The Dinner Party Convergence Act II J. Franklin
THE DINNER PARTY CONVERGENCE
ACT I
(SCENE: AMY's apartment. AMY, SHELDON, HOWARD, LEONARD, RAJ and STEVE are seated around the table. AMY is wobbling on her chair but somehow managing to stay upright. BERNADETTE and PENNY are running back and forth from the kitchen to the table with food.)
SHELDON: I really don't understand why everything is taking so long. I arrived forty-five minutes ago; and I was already late as it was!
HOWARD: Well, maybe if you learned to drive, you wouldn't have to depend on our ever-reliable public transportation system!
SHELDON: That may be true, but watching the bus driver drink what he insisted was cough syrup from that paper bag was still highly unsettling. (Pauses) I don't think some of those places where he halted the bus were even stops! (Pauses) But it still doesn't explain why dinner is taking so long!
BERNADETTE: (Arriving and scooping appetizers onto plates) Well, the appetizers took a bit longer because I had to make them. (Pauses) Myself. Without ANY help. From ANYONE! (Pauses) So, they're all going to be good and everyone's going to like them! Got it?! (HOWARD places hand on her arm and tries to calm her down.)
LEONARD: (To PENNY) See?
SHELDON: Why wasn't Penny here to help you?
BERNADETTE: (Angrily) Because apparently Leonard was being a jerk!
PENNY: (To LEONARD) See?
AMY: (Slightly woozy) Whoo-eee.
PENNY: How we doing there, Amy?
AMY: (Blinking) A bit better, Bestie.
PENNY: (Nods to mug in front of AMY) Just keep drinking that coffee.
SHELDON: I don't understand! I thought in most instances coffee was something you served after a dinner, not before!
PENNY: Yeah, well we thought we'd shake things up a bit tonight, Sheldon.
AMY: (Dreamily to SHELDON) Since I met you, my toothbrush doesn't really work for me any more…
SHELDON: (To PENNY and BERNADETTE) And I also don't understand what is with Amy's fixation on oral hygiene this evening!
LEONARD: Give it a rest, Sheldon. Lots of things aren't going right tonight.
RAJ: You can say that again. I just had another argument with my parents before coming over here.
STEVE: Really? (Shakes his head) Let me guess, they still want you to find a nice girl and settle down, don't they?
RAJ: (Nods energetically) Yes! And it's driving me crazy! No matter what I say, it's always the same thing! Why can't you just relax and find a nice Indian girl and settle down?
STEVE: (Smiling) Oh, I know just how you feel. (Pauses) More wine?
RAJ: Yes, please. Thank you.
BERNADETTE: (Uneasy) Um, Raj –
HOWARD: (To BERNADETTE) No, no, let's see how long it takes him to figure it out.
BERNADETTE: But Howie – (HOWARD spills his wine deliberately.)
HOWARD: Oh, my! Look at that! I made a mess! (Quickly uses cloth napkin to blot wine.) Let me get some paper towels! (Rises to his feet and heads toward kitchen.)
AMY: And now we have our forty-six percent. (Blinks several times and straightens up in her chair and flings her hair. Turns to SHELDON) Sheldon, I was wondering if you could help me with something –
SHELDON: Yes?
AMY: Well, I'm trying to see what I should do about my Philodendron over there by the window. (Points) I can't decide if it needs more watering or more sunlight…(SHELDON turns to look at plant. AMY quickly grabs the nearest wine bottle and refills his wine glass, splashing wine all over the table as she does so. PENNY quickly grabs wine bottle from her and sets it down.)
SHELDON: (Still looking at plant) Well, I think your first problem stems from the fact that that's actually a Pothos plant, not a Philodendron. (Smiles) It's a common mistake made by many unfamiliar with the subtle distinctions of horticulture. (Pauses. Does his quick "heh-heh" laugh.) I said "stems" when talking about plants. Sometimes my whimsy amuses even me!
AMY: (Dreamily) Me, too! (Grabs a cracker and cheese and holds it up to him.) Care for an aphrodisiac?
SHELDON: (Quizzical) Excuse me?
PENNY: I think she meant, "appetizer," right Amy?
AMY: (Blinking again) Yes. Of course. (Picks up SHELDON'S glass) Have some wine, too!
SHELDON: I beg your pardon?! You know I don't drink alcohol! I only have wine to compliment my meal. (Pauses) Although my mother always insisted if it was good enough for Jesus, it was good enough for the rest of us.
AMY: Then maybe you should have some. (Raises glass to his lips. SHELDON takes a reluctant sip.)
SHELDON: Mm. Not bad!
AMY: I know. (Pauses. Takes deep breath and pants.) Have some more!
PENNY: (Cutting in) I think maybe we should take it a bit more slowly, don't you, Amy?
AMY: (Still focused on SHELDON) No, I think the problem is I've taken things way too slowly for long enough now…
PENNY: (Reaches across and removes wine glass from AMY'S hand) Well, why don't we just hold off until dinner comes, okay?
AMY: (Blinks again) Okay.
HOWARD: (Returning with paper towels) And here we go! I brought some extras in case anyone else makes any (Makes quotation marks with fingers) "mistakes" tonight.
SHELDON: Why would anyone else be making a mistake tonight?
HOWARD: Oh, I don't know. (Reseats himself and refills his wine glass.) The night is still young. Who knows what might go wrong before the dinner's over? (Winks at BERNADETTE, who glares at him.)
LEONARD: Speaking of dinner, what is tonight's special, anyway?
BERNADETTE: (Focused on HOWARD. He nudges her.) Huh? Oh! Well, Amy and Penny and I had to do some figuring, but we finally decided on something that we thought would be suitable for everybody!
SHELDON: Really? What's that?
PENNY: Spaghetti and meatballs. Made with ground turkey and bread crumbs.
LEONARD: Really? Ground turkey?
AMY: (Stares straight ahead and talks as if on "autopilot"mode.) It satisfies the basic male need for carnivorous nourishment while still respecting any possible religious prohibitions that would arise from other assorted meat and meat by-products. And since it is poultry, it can be paired equally with red or white wine depending on whether you want to serve with a tomato-based sauce or simple olive oil and parmesan, and makes for an effective dinner selection!
(GUESTS exchange glances)
BERNADETTE: We spent a bit of time at the gourmet grocery this afternoon.
PENNY: Amy? More coffee?
AMY: Oh. Yes. (Takes another sip from her mug.)
RAJ: The gourmet grocery downtown next to the flower shop?
HOWARD: (Smiling) Yes. Ah, that would be the one. Right next to the florist.
RAJ: I always liked that place. It reminds me of the floral arrangements our servants would make back in India.
STEVE: (Eyes widening) You have servants back home?
RAJ: My parents do. My father was a gynecologist. He wanted me to follow in his footsteps. But, I couldn't do that – you know, for obvious reasons!
STEVE: (Nods) I see. (Reaches for wine bottle) So, good looks and wealth too, huh?
RAJ: (Shrugs) You'd think so, but it never worked out that way for me. I guess that's why I went into astrophysics. I could spend all of my time working on equations without having to worry about looking up a woman's skirt every day and not knowing how to talk to her.
STEVE: That makes perfect sense to me. (Begins refilling RAJ'S glass.) More wine, Raj?
RAJ: Sure. Thank you.
BERNADETTE: Raj, I think –
HOWARD: Ah! Shouldn't we be checking on that dinner now, sweetie?
BERNADETTE: (Horrified) Oh! That's right! I left everything still on stove!
HOWARD: (After she leaves) She's always forgetting things. Makes me worry sometimes given that she spends her day working in a lab filled with viruses and mutant strains of bacteria! (Pauses) Sometimes I even have to remind her to wash her hands before she cooks dinner!
(GUESTS all exchange uneasy glances.)
BERNADETTE: (Off screen) Oh, that reminds me! Amy, where do you keep your soap?
AMY: Under the sink!
HOWARD: (Turns to LEONARD) So, Leonard? You've been rather quiet this evening. How have things been with you?
LEONARD: Oh, not too bad, I suppose. (Pauses) You know, when I'm not (Turns to PENNY) being a "jerk" and making us late for friends' dinner parties, I've been told.
PENNY: (Loses temper) Oh, my God! Will you give it a rest already?
LEONARD: (To AMY) You got anything stronger than wine, Amy?
BERNADETTE: (Cutting in off camera) I think some of us have had enough alcohol for one night!
LEONARD: What? Why? We haven't even had dinner yet!
SHELDON: (Sighs and looks away) And some of us are wondering if we're ever going to!
(BERNADETTE returns with an enormous bowl of pasta and meatballs.)
BERNADETTE: (Trying to put the best face on things) Dinner is served!
HOWARD: (Excited) Oh, boy. This looks great!
PENNY: (Trying to be supportive) It certainly does! Thanks, Bernadette!
BERNADETTE: (Starts to seat herself) Oh, wait! I forgot the freshly grated parmesan!
AMY: (To SHELDON) Do you remember that scene in "The Lady and the Tramp" when the dogs shared spaghetti?
SHELDON: Oh, yes. Mother was a big fan of Disney. She always said it was the sort of wholesome entertainment parents could rely on with their children. (Pauses) Which didn't stop me from having nightmares when Sleeping Beauty's wicked queen turned into a dragon, of course.
AMY: I'm glad. (Begins slurping single spaghetti strand while staring at him. Makes loud kissing sound when she finishes.) I'm feeling pretty…hungry…tonight, Sheldon...
SHELDON: Oh. Well, that's nice!
HOWARD: (Cutting in) Yeah, that scene at the end of "Sleeping Beauty" was pretty terrifying as I recall.
LEONARD: Tell me about it. I was wetting the bed for months after that.
STEVE: How old were you when you saw it?
LEONARD: (Pauses. Clearly uncomfortable.) High school…
SHELDON: At least you were a teenager when you were in high school. Some of us didn't even have that luxury!
STEVE: I remember that movie well. I think the prince was my first-ever crush when I was a little boy. (To RAJ) Who was yours?
RAJ: I'm not sure. Probably Ariel, I guess.
STEVE: Oh. Before you knew, then?
RAJ: Knew what?
HOWARD: (Cutting in) I always remember wondering why the prince wasn't wearing armor when he fought the dragon. It seemed like he was really just asking for trouble taking on an evil queen like that without any protection.
SHELDON: I agree.
PENNY: Speaking of outfits, Raj, where did you get yours today?
RAJ: What? Oh, I got it downtown at the place next to the flower shop and the gourmet grocer.
STEVE: (Eyes widen) Did you say next to the grocery?
RAJ: Yes. I think it was called "Billy's Leather Emporium" or something.
STEVE: (Aghast) Billy's Leather Emporium?!
RAJ: Yes, I believe that was it.
HOWARD: Why did you go there?
RAJ: (Confused and defensive) Because the sign said, "For the man who is not ashamed to be who he is!"
STEVE: (Increasingly agitated) What did you say to the guy behind the counter when you went in?
RAJ: I said I was going to a party tonight and wanted to change my image because I was tired of having so many problems dealing with women! (Pauses) He was very helpful!
STEVE: Was his name Brian?
RAJ: (Thinks) Yes, I believe it was. Nice fellow!
STEVE: (Looks down at plate) Oh, boy…
(A knock at the door.)
AMY: I'll get it. (Wobbles to her feet.) It might be Fed Ex.
SHELDON: Are you expecting some kind of new package?
AMY: Yes. Last week I ordered a new toothbrush with a stronger setting. (Heads toward door)
SHELDON: I really don't understand why that girl is so obsessed with dentistry. Her teeth look fine!
(Cut to: AMY's door. She opens it to reveal a large man in leather attire similar to RAJ'S.)
AMY: Hi. Can I help you?
MAN: Hi. Is Raj here? (Looks behind her.) Ohh, I see! (Moves past her.)
STEVE: (Eyes wide) Brian, go away!
BRIAN: (Irritated) So, only two weeks after we agree to start seeing other people, this is what you do?
STEVE: We broke up, Brian.
BRIAN: (Nods toward RAJ) And with a closet queen, too!
RAJ: (Confused) Excuse me? (To STEVE) He seemed so much nicer down at the store!
LEONARD: Closet queen?
BRIAN: Oh, please. (Turns to RAJ) I see guys like you in my store all the time. You probably haven't even had the nerve to tell your parents yet, have you?
RAJ: Tell them what?
STEVE: Hey! That's between him and his parents! And it's certainly no business of yours!
RAJ: What is everybody talking about?!
STEVE: (To RAJ) Relax. You're fine.
BRIAN: How long were you seeing him behind my back?
RAJ: (Looks back to STEVE then to BRIAN) We just met this evening!
BRIAN: Sure, you did. (To STEVE) You're such a slut. I should have listened to all those guys at the gym.
STEVE: The past is the past, Brian. Maybe if SOMEONE wasn't such a stalker –
BRIAN: Oh, don't give me that crap again, you selfish bitch!
STEVE: (Pushing back his chair) I'm a selfish bitch?! I'M a selfish BITCH?
RAJ: (Shouting) WILL SOMEBODY PLEASE TELL ME WHAT IS GOING ON?!
HOWARD: (Unable to contain himself any longer) They think you're gay, Raj!
RAJ: (Horrified) What?! Gay?! Why would they think I'm gay?!
(Everyone looks at him silently.)
LEONARD: Well, uh…
SHELDON: Um…
HOWARD: Well, y'know…
STEVE: (To RAJ) Relax. It's okay. I know how you feel. I was once there, too.
RAJ: WHERE?! Confused at a dinner party?!
BRIAN: (Sneering at RAJ) Closet queen!
RAJ: I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS!
BERNADETTE: (Arriving back with enormous bowl of grated cheese) COULD ALL OF YOU PLEASE PIPE DOWN!? I'M TRYING TO SERVE A DINNER HERE!
LEONARD: (Standing up and trying to calm everyone down) Okay, hold on a second. Let's all try and get a grip here –
BRIAN: Oh, I don't need to get a grip. What I need to do is forget I ever dated a two-timing son of a bitch!
STEVE: How dare you! (Grabs wine glass and flings wine in BRIAN'S face)
BERNADETTE: (Horrified) No! That was the expensive bottle!
BRIAN: (Pauses. Licks lips. Turns to BERNADETTE) Riesling with pasta? Seriously?
BERNADETTE: (Defiant) Hey, it was on sale!
HOWARD: (Quietly to PENNY, LEONARD, and SHELDON) See? She's not even one of the tribe but my mother's already taught her never to overlook the value of a discount!
LEONARD: Uh, Steve? Maybe you and Brian should take this whole thing somewhere else?
BRIAN: (Looks down on the more diminutive LEONARD) Oh, really? And who's going to make us?
PENNY: (Stands up and grabs wine bottle) I am! (Begins beating it against the palm of her other hand.) I've had enough of all this crap tonight. I've got a splitting headache, a hostess who's drunk, a girlfriend who's frazzled, another friend going through an emotional crisis, and a boyfriend I'm already fighting with –
BERNADETTE: And a dinner THAT'S GETTING COLD!
PENNY: And a dinner that's getting cold! Our craziness quota is all filled up, so you guys take your drama someplace else!
STEVE: (To BRIAN) See? I hope you're happy. You're ruined someone else's pleasant evening!
BRIAN: I ruined it? I ruined it? Seems to me someone else ruined it with all his lies and deception –
PENNY: (Losing it) I SAID, TAKE IT SOMEPLACE ELSE! (Starts to climb across the table. LEONARD stops her.)
RAJ: Steve?
STEVE: What, Raj?
RAJ: I hate to tell you this, but I'm not gay.
STEVE: (Eyes widen) You're NOT?
RAJ: Yes.
STEVE: Are you sure?
RAJ: (Looks slowly around table at everyone else before back to him.) Pretty sure, yes!
STEVE: But – all the things you said about being uncomfortable around women, your leather outfit, the stuff with your parents –
RAJ: That's because I'm SHY! Not because I'm GAY!
BRIAN: So, wait. You mean, you're not even in the closet at all then?
RAJ: No. (Pauses) I don't even know what that means!
PENNY: (Lowering her voice) Guys? Please? Can the rest of us just get back to our dinner now? You two go grab coffee some place and talk all this over between yourselves?
STEVE: Well…
BRIAN: Well…
STEVE: The little place down the street maybe?
BRIAN: What? They make the worst espresso! I never understood how you could drink that stuff!
STEVE: Oh, please. It's all in what you add to it – (They begin heading for the door. As they do, a large Fed Ex employee arrives at the door.)
FED EX EMPLOYEE: Package for Amy Fowler?
AMY: (Raises hand) That'd be me.
FED EX EMPLOYEE: Sign here. (AMY begins scribbling her name. FED EX EMPLOYEE notices BRIAN.)
FED EX EMPLOYEE: Brian?!
BRIAN: (Suddenly uncomfortable) Oh. Hello, Fred…
FRED: Why haven't you called me back? Tony told me you were single now! (Notices Steve) Ohh, I get it. I was just your dish on the side to make your boyfriend jealous! (Takes signature tablet from AMY and turns to leave.)
BRIAN: No, that's not true –
STEVE: Sure it's not. You're always doing stuff like this –
BRIAN: I am not! (AMY closes door.)
HOWARD: He's right. They can be just as bitchy as women.
(Everyone notices AMY still standing with her Fed Ex box by the doorway.)
PENNY: Amy? Are you alright?
AMY: Yes. I'm fine. (Pauses) I think I'm just going to go brush my teeth for a few minutes. (Heads into bathroom.)
SHELDON: I don't understand. First, it's coffee before dinner, now she's brushing her teeth during it? Is this some kind of sociological study I'm not aware of?
LEONARD: Just let it go, Sheldon.
SHELDON: Okay, but the whole things seems strange to me -
(We hear a loud buzzing noise from AMY's bathroom. Suddenly, there is a loud popping sound. All the lights go out in the apartment.)
BERNADETTE: What happened?
HOWARD: I think a circuit breaker got tripped.
PENNY: Wow. She wasn't kidding about the power settings on that toothbrush…
RAJ: Maybe she has a flashlight in her closet? (Pauses) Or is that another expression I'm also unaware of?
HOWARD: Never mind. Hang on. (We hear stumbling around in the darkness.)
LEONARD: What are you doing?
HOWARD: Trying to find some matches so we can light some candles! I was helping Bernadette earlier before everyone got here and I thought I saw some in one of Amy's kitchen drawers. (More stumbling.) Ow! (Rummaging) Oh, here we go! (We see him light an enormous rolling-pin sized candle.) This should give us plenty of light!
SHELDON: That candle's so large it could practically be a sword!
LEONARD: Yeah. You look like He-Man holding that thing!
HOWARD: Yeah, I know. (Looks at candle and laughs) By the power of Grayskull! (Raises candle into the air.) I HAVE THE POWER!
BERNADETTE: (Alarmed) Howie! You're standing right underneath –
(The smoke alarm goes off. Suddenly, the apartment sprinkler system kicks on, drenching everyone.)
SHELDON: (Deadpanning) Nice to see the fire alarm and suppression systems are run on separate power lines!
PENNY: Well, that pretty much ruins the evening.
BERNADETTE: AND the dinner!
RAJ: (Pauses) Hey, be happy.
PENNY: What for?
RAJ: (Shrugs) At least none of you still have five more payments on a leather outfit you're never going to wear again…
(Cut to Commercial)
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