April 2nd
Dear Alex,
It's been a busy week. I've been on patrols every night. Boring and busy at the same time. The guys and I train with the Marines, keeping in shape and keeping ourselves from going crazy. When we're not training we're either helping out with the mosque, playing pool, or helping out locals. I'm making us sound like saints, aren't I? I wish I could tell you everything we're doing, but I can't. I've seen a lot of shit so far, stuff I would've rather not seen. I can't really say any more, not unless I want to get court-martialed. Dereliction of duty and all that, I'm sure they'd claim.
I met a little girl the other day, fourteen. Her name is Amira and she might have the slightest crush on me. Don't worry, though. She's not my type, though she might be in about ten years. Just kidding. She reminded me of you, ironically. If you don't know, Amira means 'princess.' But that's not the only reason she reminded me of you. She's stubborn like you, sure of herself. She's rather sarcastic, too. She put a few of the guys to shame, which made them love her even more. Most of her family were killed during the Second Battle. She was 5 at the time, I think. She's a survivor, like you. Her only living relative is a shop owner. He's a stern guy, kind of scary sometimes, but he's not entirely bad. No one here is. Not yet.
Onto brighter things, yeah? How have you been since we last wrote each other? Knowing you, I'm sure dozens of events have taken place in the past two or three weeks. I hope you're doing well, spending time with Nikita. I know how much you love her and need her, even if you won't admit it.
Late at night I think back on when we first met. How we loathed each other. It makes me laugh, thinking how far we evolved. I called you a traitor then you hit me with your phone. It was the phone, right? I can still feel it. I found your stubbornness and pride rather charming, I don't know if I told you that.
I wish I could write more, but it's late and dark and I don't want to waste this light. I'll try to write as much as possible in the coming week. Some politicians are arriving in a few days and some of us are being assigned to help guard them. I'll keep you up to date with what's going on, with me and everything around me.
April 10th
Dear Sean,
I'm glad you're keeping busy. I have a feeling you love working your ass off – then again, who doesn't? You know I like to work hard, push myself. Of course, I usually do it to avoid my feelings. Which, again, you're well aware of. That's one of the things that scares me. You know me so well and no one else ever has, aside from Nikita. There are so many things I wish I had told you. That's why I'm telling you now, I guess. I was afraid to tell you things because of your reaction, your face. I can't handle being judged by you. This way, by letters, is easier, at least for me. I mean, I still fret about your reaction, but I feel slightly more at ease.
You're such an ass. I'm shaking my head at you right now. I'm glad you've befriended Amira, though. A girl like that, someone who's lost most of her family… she needs someone, trust me. Look after her for me. And make sure the other guys behave. If they don't, tell them your assassin girlfriend is going to kick their ass. Hoes before bros, remember?
I've been fine, Sean. Really. I mean, I'm still struggling. Now and then, when I'm alone in our apartment, I start to turn around to say something to you and then I remember you're not here. Do you know when or if you'll ever get to go on leave? I miss you.
I rescued a dog the other day. I didn't keep her. I wanted to, but I couldn't. I found a good home for her. This family with three sons that live in our building wanted the dog, but I wasn't going to give a dog not even one yet to three little boys, especially when they're such brats. There's this girl on the first floor. She's new, moved in a while after you left. I've seen her around; she looks so lonely. Kind of like I used to be, then I met you. I gave the dog to her. She loves her. She named the dog Molly. I talk to her now and then, try to keep her company. She's improved so much since I gave her the dog. I'm kind of jealous. It took me a long time to become happy. I guess –
This is something else I've been afraid to tell you, to tell even Nikita. She probably knows, but I don't know. Nikita doesn't always let on. She keeps things hidden, from me and from others. She holds things in like I do. Anyway, what I was going to say was that… one thing I'm afraid – one thing I've always been afraid of is getting close to someone. Getting happy. Every time I become happy, think I have my life in order – every time I come close to that something happens and that happiness gets taken away from me.
I push you away. I know it and you know it. I know you've been trying to figure out my deal. Well, there it is. It's you. I'm afraid of losing you. Every time I'm happy, every time – it's like there's something in the universe that says I can't be happy. Emotional distance is my thing, remember? I'm trying to get past that, I am. The first step is to acknowledge my fears, then talk about them. I'm trying to do that. And oh, do I have a lot of fears.
I won't bombard you with everything in this letter. I'll share more soon. Be safe, okay?
Love,
Alex