"Okay kiddies," Murdoc announces as he slams Stuart's door open. Squawking in shock he dives under the bed and tries to squash himself as far back against the wall, as he can get himself. Grinning at that and happy that he made such a big impression on the younger man. The bassist makes his way over to the bed, dragging a chair behind him. "It's me again and Faceache is still being a pussy."
"No I'm not!" the singer calls from under the bed. "You scared me and I just find it hard to sleep knowing that that whale is prowling around outside my window."
"Eh, whatever. So here's a story about a short chick called Thumbelina." Shaking his head at the title, the bassist wrinkles his already crumpled nose. "What a stupid name. This woman wanted to have a little child. Mm, then they grow up to become big dolts like the one next to me. But as much as she squeezed, she just couldn't pop one out. So she went off and had a tear about it at the local fairy. You know what really makes me wonder about all these stupid tales?" Murdoc says, lifting his head from the book and looking at the empty pillow. Blinking in surprise, he suddenly remembers that 2D is under the bed.
"What?" the bed seems to reply. Accepting that with a shrug, Murdoc answers.
"Nine times out of ten there's bound to be some cross dressing, gay bastard at the centre of it. Anyway. She has a bitch at him and he says-" Adopting a gay accent, Murdoc clears his throat. "I can fix that duck. Just take this seed and plant it in a flower pot." Ha!" Returning to his usual gravelly drawl, the bassist tuts softly. "Stupid gay bastard. Probably sniffed too much fairy dust."
"What cross dressing gay person? I just went through all the stories you've read me, and I haven't found one?" Stuart snaps from under the bed. Feeling much braver than normal because he knows that Murdoc is reluctant to bend down and drag him out.
"Fairy," the bassist answers in annoyance. Thinking that the older man is referring to him as being one. Stuart huffs angrily and glares at the side of the bassist's boot.
"Well fine, you don't have to be rude about it." Regarding the bed with a look of disdain, Murdoc rolls his eyes.
"I was answering the question dullard. The cross dressing bastards that I'm talking about, are the fairies! You knob." Pausing for a moment and thinking about it, he then grins cruelly. "Heh, he's insulting himself these days. Now that's efficiency at work." He laughs. "So she paid him fer the seed, racked off and stuck it in a pot of dirt. Instantly it grew into a flower."
"Wow, instantly?" Stuart asks.
"Yep, instantly."
"I wonder what she used as fertiliser?" the singer mumbles softly, more to himself than Murdoc.
"She pissed on it."
"Eww." Disgusted by that Stuart screws up his nose and presses himself back further against the wall. "I don't know why I'm surprised to be honest. All your stories are horrible in some way."
"Well if you're not interested I'll go then," the bassist shrugs with an air of indifference, then moves to get up and leave.
"No no! I'm listening," Stuart says and finally pokes his head out from under the bed. Murdoc grins and snapping his hand down, grabs the back of the singers shirt and hauls him out. Grabbing the older man's wrist in panic, Stuart winces uncomfortably, only to see Murdoc jab a finger at the bed.
"In and shut up." Sighing the younger man does as he's told. "So at first she thought it was just an ordinary plant. So for some dumb arsed reason she kissed it. And that's when she spotted the little kid sitting in the centre of it. Ha! It is. This story is about drugs." Murdoc grins. "I licked a toad once and hallucinated that Cortez had Frank Sinatra's head on his body."
"Did you?" the younger man smiles.
"Yeah. Still not a great conversationalist, but we sang old show tunes fer the rest of the night and ate pizza. Anyway, she and her stupid husband liked the kid and decided to call it Thumbelina. What a stupid name." Murdoc shakes his head at the name again, becoming even more annoyed with it.
"What would you call her then?" Stuart asks pleasantly.
"Digit." Murdoc responds, reasonably firmly. "Anyway..." he adds with a deep sigh. Looking rather tired for a moment.
"Digit? Wasn't that the name of the big monkey in that Sigor... Sig...? Ripley Alien woman film.?" the singer sucks the end of a finger while he thinks about it, not really noticing the strange tic that has developed in the corner of Murdoc's eye.
"Sigourney Weaver?" he grunts, not entirely sure if answering is the best way to stop the singer talking. Knowing that 2D will keep muttering about it until he either works it out, or is beaten unconscious. He'd felt compelled to do one of the two and he couldn't be bothered moving at the moment. So that had helped choose which was better for him personally.
"Yeah, that's the one." The cheesy smile tips the balance and suddenly the singer is once again being beaten viciously with a pillow. "I'll shut up. I'll shut up!" Dropping the pillow, Murdoc continues reading the story.
"So they built her some stupid furniture out of walnut shells and shit."
"Eww." Stuart squeaks when he's hit again. "Shutting up!"
"And she sits there singing stupid songs..." Murdoc blinks and reads that back again, completely confused. "Hang on... She was only born a few seconds ago and the bitch can already sing? What a daft story? So later that night this big toad rocks up and looks at Digit sleeping in her bed and says, "Oh look a little hallucinogen. I reckon my son would like a bit of that." So she opens the window and swipes the little bitch. When Digit wakes up and sees the ugly mum toad and her uglier son. She has a little tear. Awww, the stupid cow. So the mum said he should go get her some... flowers? Obviously never heard of a tissue then. So he bogs off with digit in a little walnut shell boat, and in the middle of the swamp he sees an island of lilies. So he dumps her arse there and she bawls here eyes out about that too, because she can't swim. So the mum toad says, "Don't cry. It'll be better once you're both married." So Digit says. "Fer him maybe, the ugly bastard." And bursts into tears again."
"Awww, the poor thing," Stuart says sadly with a sniffle.
"Yeah..." Rolling his eyes and not feeling the least bit of empathy about it. Murdoc reads on. "So these fish had rocked by and had heard what the mum toad said. So they decided that they couldn't let her do it. They swum down and started chewing on the stem of the lilly pad that Digit is sitting on. Until eventually it broke and she floated down stream past lots of towns, until she was seen by some birds and a couple of butterflies. Digit took off her girdle and tied it around the butterfly and it flew off further down the stream and away from the toads." Holding the book out in front of him and staring at it incredulously. Murdoc reads that again trying to make sense of it. "Seriously, what drugs was this Christian on? Eventually a cockchafer saw her and he picked her up."
"A what?" the singer asks, just as confused.
"Cockchafer." Murdoc grunts, only half listening because he's still annoyed at how ridiculous the story has become.
"Err, that's what I thought you said?" Stuart grunts back, raising an eyebrow.
"So he stuck her in a tree. Winter came and the bitch nearly froze. Even though the cockchafer gave her honey and shit to eat. He wasn't very clever. Obviously, I mean a nice woollen coat versus a bit of honey." Murdoc wavers his hands in front of them as if weighing them up. "I know which one I'd prefer if my nutsack was about to become one with a damn tree." Turning his gaze towards 2D, he suddenly sees that he appears to be thinking hard about something. "What?"
"I don't understand how a... penis shaver comes into it?" the younger man mumbles, bowing his head and blushing with embarrassment.
"What the bloody Hell are...?" Letting the words die on his lips, the bassist runs that back through until he catches the meaning. "Cockchafer! A Beetle you knob!" he roars impatiently.
"Oh!" Stuart sniggers into his hand. Feeling rather silly but amused at the same time. "Sorry Muds."
"Perv. So this mouse comes along and he takes Digit back to his warm house and feeds her. Then he says that she can stay, if she keeps his house clean and tells him stories. So she does and they're very happy. Eventually he says that they'll be having a visitor soon. Not that Digit cares, because the visitor is a blind mole and there's dishes to do. So the mouse talks to the mole and they discuss some money that is owed. And suddenly Digit finds herself fobbed off onto the mole in payment for the debt, so she lives with him fer a bit. Telling him stories. Gah..." Hanging his tongue out in disgust, Murdoc feigns choking. But silently reads on a few pages. "This story is far too long and now she's talking to some dying bird!"
"Awww, why is the bird dying Muds?"
"Herpes," the bassist grunts, distracted by what he's reading. 2D makes a sick face and hides under the blankets again. "Needs some PVC rubber outfits and a couple of sex slaves." The bassist suggests with a point down to the page. "She visits the dumb bird a few times. Made him a blanket so he wouldn't freeze and eventually he got better. He wants her to go with him but she says no. The mouse wants her to spin some wedding clothes out of wool, because he's apparently marrying her off to the mole. She finishes the clothes and has a tear, because she doesn't want to marry the mole and live underground with him. Ack... I hate this story. Drugs, midgets and bestiality. Everything a good porn should have, but it sucks." Murdoc wails, hitting himself gently in the head with the book in frustration. He sees Stuart purse his lips to say something and instantly shoots his a look of warning to stay silent. So the singer sucks them back again and does so.
"The sparrow comes back and says he's going off to warmer countries this winter, so she should come with him. She says yes and he flies off with her on his back. They head to a warm country and he deposits her in his nest. Ah, now why could I see that coming?" He rolls his eyes then reads on a little further. Hoping that there will finally be some nasty sex involved to make him feel better. "No wait, he introduces her to a fairy... Heh, like he'd be interested, the poof. A bunch of fairies appear and they give her some stupid wings. She marries the faggot and he changes her name to something gay that I don't care about, because this story sucked monkey balls." Murdoc slams the book shut and blindly tosses it over his shoulder in disdain.
"I liked it," Stuart smiles, slowly pulling his head out from under blanket.
"You would you faggot," the bassist growls and hauls himself to his feet. Making his way to the bedroom door, he spots the book on the floor and stops to kick it into the corner before he continues on.
"Heh heh, night Muds." Stuart sniggers, grinning at the rude gesture the bassist snaps back into the room before the door closes.