A/N: Okay, the thing is that I really want to go through with the original idea that this storyline happened between Cal and Gillian off screen while the timeline of the show continued simultaneously. Since I didn't re-watch all episodes (even if I wish I had the time), the possibility remains, though, that there are scenes or dialogue that contradict or at least don't fit in with what happens in my additional scenes. So, in case you should detect anything, I hope you give me the little leeway I mentioned in my first author's note and enjoy the story, anyway.

Thank you, as always, for your reviews & alerts. They keep me writing and make my muse smile.

This is Gillian's version of events with references to 2x4 Honey and 2x9 Fold Equity.

Disclaimer: Nope, still not mine.

Dr. Gillian Foster used to be a woman of principles. Her field of expertise is a minefield of gray areas. Therefore, in her private life, she prefers clear decisions, straight lines, good or bad and nothing in between. Or rather used to prefer until she realized that her husband had a relapse into drug addiction, until she was confronted with the harsh reality that she would never have own children, until... Cal.

These days, Gillian doesn't know anything anymore. Her world is upside down, and she doesn't know how to make another about-turn so that there is solid ground under her feet again instead of the shaky I'm-not-sure-what-I'm-doing-but-I-also-don't-know- how-to-stop-it scenario she is living in. Lines were a good thing once. They told right from wrong until Cal and she decided to... do what exactly? She can't even say if they decided anything on purpose. Not verbally, at least. Somehow it happened. Then again, it's not her style to blame the circumstances or someone else. Even if Cal certainly is ready to take most of the blame because in a way he started it all, Gillian is well aware that she is just as much to blame. Maybe even more.

Cal started the game, but she participated willingly. She knows why he acts up like a child recently. He tries to rebel against her alleged rules, and she doesn't react simply because she doesn't know what to do, if she even wants to change the rules.

We need to talk about it, luv, Cal said to her the day after their first kiss in her hotel room.

Yes, it was only a kiss, or several kisses actually, although it comes close to a miracle that nothing else happened. But somehow the intensity of their kisses was sufficient to cope with the situation that night. When Cal visited her in her hotel room, Gillian didn't know what he was up to until she saw his facial expression change at the split of a second before he moved to kiss her. However, split of a second or not, the fact remains that she could have stopped him, and she didn't. Even if she hadn't expected his kiss, of course, she had thought about how it would feel like to kiss him before. And once it was now or never, she didn't reject him. It's as simple, and complicated, as that because of everything that lurks beneath the surface. It was her first step into nowhere land. An unfamiliar territory where, in her imagination, Cal is living all the time, ignoring rules and standards, doing only what he wants. It seemed to be a simple equation – her land of rules and standards hadn't worked out, so maybe the unfamiliar territory of Cal's nowhere land was the right choice. If only.

We will, Cal. You're absolutely right – we need to talk about what happened. But not now, not with everything that's going on, Gillian remembers her answer. She meant each word of it, and Cal understood and agreed. There was so much going on as part of her divorce – organizational matters, let alone the emotional baggage. Delaying their necessary talk appeared to be the logical thing to do. Save that they never caught up on it.

So, we're okay? Cal asked her to make sure that the kisses they had shared wouldn't burden their friendship, and Gillian was eager to assure him that yes, absolutely, they were.

And they really were okay in the beginning; their friendship could have survived unscathed unless...

Flashback (Gillian's point of view)

Yes, Cal, we are okay. Gillian doesn't lie when she tells Cal that; they are. The days go by; things are as they always were between them – mutual attraction, subtle tension, innuendo. Everything just the same.

Then a deranged man enters their office and takes Cal hostage. He survives; they all survive, but at that day Gillian realizes that nothing is the same anymore. She was aware that she liked Cal. A lot. That she probably enjoys his attention a little too much to classify it as harmless flirting. The moment, though, the man points a gun at Cal's head, something inside her breaks. Gillian knows in an instant that she will never be the same again if Cal dies because of everything that could have been between them, because of everything she feels. No, nothing is the same anymore. It might have been just a kiss, but it set so much more in motion, and they can't go back.

That night, after the hostage-taking, when Cal knocks on her door, they are desperate to be close to each other, to hold each other. Nevertheless, it is not a physical need, not that night. They don't even kiss; their emotional closeness is enough. But it adds another layer to their relationship that is as tender as dangerous. The closer they get emotionally, the higher the risk that this thing between them gets out of control and that they will end up hurting each other.

They get a foretaste of this risk and its consequences when they go to Vegas shortly afterwards. Business takes them there. Anyway, they are both highly aware that this town and its temptations have the ability to reveal Cal's dark side. He is the caring, wonderful man who knocked on her door some nights ago and wanted nothing more than hold her in his arms, but he also is the daring, unpredictable man who can't take his eyes off a blonde that Gillian would describe as slutty (even if she wouldn't say it out loud on a normal day), ignoring in the process that said blonde is on their suspect list. Perhaps it would have been the right time to talk, to address some things. But what exactly? That he apparently has a huge range when it comes to his taste in women? That she doesn't know how his obvious interest in her fits into that? What could she say? How could she start? So, she plays his game instead, teases him as if she isn't affected by his behavior at all, well aware that she irritates him as much as she irritates herself.

He finds her at the bar when evening is about to turn into night.

"Is this seat taken?"

Gillian smiles at him detached. She doesn't know how to act or what to say when he's around as long as they are in Vegas, in the city that turns Cal into another man or at least brings out a side of him she doesn't want to see.

"I was wondering what you're up to tonight," Cal asks and takes the bar stool next to hers.

"Why?" Answering a question with a question. If this is not deflection, then what is? Gillian hopes that he doesn't hear the unease in her voice, but he most likely does.

"Just wondering," Cal replies casually although his face changes exactly the way it did before he kissed her for the first time.

Save that this time Gillian is dead certain kissing is not the only thing he has in mind. Not that she didn't also imagine it. But... Is there even a but? Yes... no... yes, here in Vegas, there is the big, fat BUT that this is not the version of Cal she wants to share a bed with.

Nevertheless, she isn't able to find the right words or any words at all. What is she supposed to say? I'm not sure I can do this even if I want to because... It sounds complicated in her head already. Moreover, it would be in contrast to the new, venturous version of herself.

Gillian avoids eye contact, looking at her drink. No, she can't say anything. Not with her thoughts swirling like this and her emotions running high. She wants him, but not now, not here. All the same, she let's her hand drop down onto her thigh, pulling her dress up. Even months later, she blocks out why she did that although the psychiatrist in her could easily explain that she did it to fulfill the role she had chosen for herself in the hope that it would change her life for the better. Her movement is confident and natural. Still, it feels wrong. Completely, utterly wrong. Cal is almost drunk by Vegas, by the atmosphere of gambling and women. Out of the corner of her eye, Gillian notices how his gaze is fixated on the skin she revealed by pulling her dress up, watches him lick his lips in anticipation. But Vegas does nothing for her, and the expected rush doesn't set in. Obviously, her new self takes a break.

Suddenly, Cal is close beside her, hands at her waist, pulling her toward him. It takes her breath away. Literally and not in a good way. Gillian almost panics. She sent him the wrong signals; she can't do this. Not now. Cal is looking for an adventure. Maybe he wants more in the long run, maybe not. Gillian knows that she means a lot to him, but that doesn't necessarily exclude the possibility that he is able to separate their friendship from their new-found physical closeness, the latter meant to be no more than a fleeting affair. Gillian wants a change, wants a new life. She has no idea as yet, though, how Cal fits in, if she even fits in herself.

Cal notices the change in her behavior and steps back.

"What is it?" he asks confused and worried. She can't blame him. If he is only half as confused as she is right now, he can't think straight.

Again, even months later, Gillian doesn't know (or at least pretends not to know) why she chose those words as an answer. And again, the psychologist in her could easily explain that all she did was speak the truth. She is angry with herself, angry with the other woman Cal seems to have the hots for, angry with him in the first place for being his unpredictable self – the words come out before she even has a chance to give them a second thought.

"I'm not a slut like this other woman, and I won't be a surrogate just because you need to blow off steam in Vegas."

Cal looks at her as if she hit him, and the realization that she hurt him lets her anger disappear in an instant. Now that they are out, Gillian regrets her words. However, the result stays the same. Nothing will happen between them tonight.

Gillian perceives that her hand still clutches the hem of her dress that she pulled up. Shame washes over her, causing her to jump up and practically run away.

"Gillian..." Cal tries to hold her back, but she won't let him.

She also doesn't open the door of her hotel room when he knocks on it later, stands in front of it for what feels like forever, waiting for her to let him in. Sometimes, in her dreams, she still hears his desperate voice.

Please open the door.

Let us talk.

Please.

Gill...

Finally, Cal gives up and goes away.

Gillian barely finds sleep that night, and as it turns out the next morning, so did Cal but for completely different reasons. He slept with the slut. Cal makes no pretence of it, and it's all Gillian can think of when she sees the two of them together. The blonde is dressed to kill, and Cal has practically written reckless risk taker all over his forehead. No wonder he chose the blonde and not her. Save that he chose her, and she rejected him.

So, that was your revenge? Gillian thinks, trying to remain cool and composed albeit her stomach turns as if she has the worst hangover ever.

She doesn't see the guilty glances Cal darts at her when she isn't looking, doesn't know that Cal also feels as if he has a hangover although he didn't drink that much. Vegas has this effect on him. Whenever he is here, he ends up doing something that is not good for him. Like sleeping with the wrong woman for the wrong reasons.

They ignore the elephant in the room until they head home again.

"Can we talk about it?" Cal asks when they have a moment on their own.

She didn't expect him to address it so soon, expected him to wait until what happened would be water under the bridge. Then again, will it ever be? So, can they talk about it or rather does she want to?

His facial expression gives away that he anticipates the rejection, and for a brief moment, Gillian feels an almost overwhelming urge to talk, really talk, to him, to address everything – the whole truth even if it means that there will be no happiness as Cal always likes to quote. But then she remembers how she could smell the cheap perfume of the other woman on him the next morning.

"Actually, no, we can't," she answers instead. "At least not now."

Cal watches her face with such blatant intensity that Gillian blushes.

"Will you at least let me say sorry?" he then adds contritely.

They are about to leave Vegas, and Cal is on his way back to the caring, wonderful man who is her friend and maybe more or maybe not. All Gillian can see, though, is the risk taker who hurt her badly.

"Yes," she says and gives him as much after all, leaving open whether this includes that she accepts his apology.

He doesn't ask to clarify. Perhaps he is no risk taker when it comes to her (well, he isn't, but he only tells her later).

In the end, it's not the kiss that changed their relationship. It's the unpredictability they can't handle. Reliable, stable – that's how their relationship used to be. These days, it is fragile, characterized by qualms. They still trust each other as friends and business partners but as to the rest...

It is the first time Gillian silently has to admit that they are not okay anymore no matter how hard they try to pretend otherwise.

Present Day

Cal wants to stop. Gillian knew it even before he tried to push her away softly. It was written all over his face when he opened the door. That's why she approached him rather aggressively. He might want to resist her, but she is well aware that he won't manage to go through with it if she puts enough effort in it. Already, and no matter how hard he is trying to fight it, she feels his resolve crumbling.

Even while they are kissing, though, Gillian can't get the words out of her mind. So similar back then and earlier today.

So, we're okay? It felt so natural to tell him they were back then.

You tell me we're okay. She couldn't tell him the same earlier today because they aren't, and they both know it.

But here they are, and as wrong and twisted as it is and as much as they should rather talk than do this, Gillian feels how the tension of the day retreats and gives way to the anticipation of an impending release. Only Cal can make her feel that way.

Nevertheless, she is not remotely as confident of her actions as she probably appears to be. Gillian wants Cal, desperately. However, the doubts are there, overshadowing every touch and every kiss.

Does she really want it to happen like this? Again?

Forgive me for teasing you a bit more with the last passage because things didn't actually move forward, but I liked the identical ending in relation to the last chapter.

Next chapter: Not like this? Like what? It will be explained, and things will move forward eventually. Promise!

Thank you for reading & reviewing if you feel like it. ;)