Chapter Five

The road back to Sacramento seemed longer than what he had driven to get away, and Jane had to admit that, despite his usual hectic driving style, he was quite surprised he didn't have any accident. He couldn't concentrate, his mind was concentrating on how much he wanted to get back to her and how much he wanted her-always had, actually.

He had missed Lisbon, he knew it, both with his mind and his heart, but accepting it was another thing. Accepting that he wanted Teresa in his life was like admitting that he was ready to move on from Angela and Charlotte's deaths, and he didn't know if he would be ever ready to do such a thing. After all, hadn't Jane always said that it was like he had had the knife in his hands that faithful night?

But… he had come to realize that he didn't have to choose between past and present and future. He didn't want to, and he was sure that neither did Teresa, nor Angela would have wanted for him to be miserable for the rest of his sorry life. He could love more than one person in his life, and his heart and his memory palace, were big enough to host them all. It was the right thing to do. He deserved happiness, and so did Teresa. She had been at his side like a partner and a friend for years, risking her career and her life as well, and then, once accepted that she was in love with him, instead of pushing him away or trying to get him in bed, she had just been there for him, waiting for the right time. For an occasion, an opportunity, one he had never given her. Getting back to her, it wasn't just right for himself. It was the right thing to do towards Teresa too. She deserved it.

But, again, knowing that one thing was right didn't mean he was ready to jump in anything yet. Jane was still full of regrets, of sense of guilt and self-doubt. He was still an hunted man, but instead of Red John, right now his own worst enemy was himself. Was it right to "impose" himself upon Lisbon? Did she deserve more? Did he have to suffer a bit more to be worth forgiveness from his beloved late ones? He didn't know yet, so he did the only thing that came to mind at such an unholy moment: instead of announcing his impending arrival, he kept it quiet, and took a room in a no-tell motel, one of those places he used to camp in in his "dark days". He needed to think. And to think, he needed to be alone with his thoughts.

That night, he didn't sleep.

His mind was filled with images and memories of both Teresa and Angela. He had often wondered if he had ever deserved any of them, he had always doubted, but deep down, he liked to think that he had been chosen by them for a reason, that he had some good in him, buried deep down within his "soul" or whatever it was that gave him some semblance of morality. That was the only thing that the two women had in common, the fact that they had both decided that he was the one for them. Otherwise, they were so different… one would have wondered how he could have fallen in love with such different personalities. Teresa and Angela were like night and day. It wasn't just in the body (Angela was tall, blonde, blue-eyes, slender, grace made flesh; Teresa was petite, short, dark hair, dark eyes, a tomboy) but in their "spirit" too. When she wanted something, there was no way Angela wasn't going to get it, she was just resolute that way, while Lisbon thought to others first, coming last herself. Angela… well…yes, both women didn't allow him to get away with too much, that was true, but Angela was a bit more submissive than Lisbon. Yes, she told him to stop playing the psych, but she had never complained about the money, nor insisted too much. Teresa? When she though he was amoral, she didn't have any trouble shouting him off for good.

And maybe… that was the whole point. He could love both women, and he loved them not despite the fact they were different, but because they were different. He was a different man himself too, after all.

But again that traitor thought invaded his mind: just because he loved Teresa, it didn't mean that he have to love her in every sense of the word. He didn't need to have her, right? He could be like the joker of the court, that often in the middle age tales loved the queen or the princess but only from afar, in what he had once referred to as a "platonic love". He had done so until Red John had died, why couldn't he keep that up?

Well, it wasn't an answer so hard to find: because he didn't know if he was strong enough. Could he look at her from afar and reach happiness into the arms of another man? He wasn't sure. But could he impose her to never be happy with another man, when he, himself, couldn't give her that very happiness? It wasn't like she didn't deserve it. Teresa had always craved love and a family, but she had never gotten one. Why? Because she had always been too busy taking care of others, putting them and their needs before her own persona.

She had to look after her father after her mum died- she couldn't ask someone else to do so, nor to get involved with her and her crazy family.

She had to raise her brothers after her father killed himself- she was just too busy.

She had to catch criminals and work insane hours- nobody was going to defend the weak, if not her.

Jane needed someone to look after him, he needed time before even contemplating the idea of dating, let alone having a real relationship- she just had to be there for him, help him out, and wait for him to see she had always been there right before his eyes.

Maybe he didn't deserve her. Maybe she deserved more. But what if he was what she wanted? He couldn't deny her this. If they both wanted it, it had to be somehow right, right? What if she had changed her mind? God, he really didn't know what to do. Maybe a night hadn't been enough. Maybe he needed more time to just clear his head and come up with his decision. Yes, that had to be it. He was going to do like when he had restricted the Red John list. He was going to stay in his room for more or less a week and analyze all pros and cons. Then, he would leave the room and contact Lisbon, and he would do… he would follow his plan of action, whatever it was going to be, no matter what.

But obviously, his life never went according to plan, and when he was reaching for a notepad to start his list, his phone rang. He really didn't want to answer, but what if it was important? What if it was Lisbon? Maybe it was about her. Maybe something had happened to her. Maybe it was about Red John. No, as much as he hated being delayed, he just had to answer.

He flipped his phone open, and on the screen he saw the name of Cho. He shivered. He didn't dare to breath. What if something had really happened to his Teresa? He would just end his life then and there. God, if she was dead… he had promised her once to always keep her safe, the he would always be around to protect her, and now she could be dead, on in danger, or maybe in a hospital bed because he hadn't been able to do as he had said. Of course she didn't deserve a man like him. She was worth so, so much more than the sorry excuse of a living being like he was!

There was silence on the other end of the line-Cho was probably waiting for Jane to say something- and Jane didn't dare to say a word. Getting to talk about it would make it real. It could mean that Teresa wasn't hurt just in his mind, but in reality too. Or maybe… or it could be worse. He had acted like a man on solitary since he was gone, he didn't know what had happened. Maybe… she could be lost to him forever. Dead like Charlotte and Angela, because yet again of him. Because he had abandoned her. Because he hadn't been able to keep a promise, showing that she was right when she told him that all he could do was empty ones.

"Jane?" Cho finally asked. Jane could feel emotion in his friend's voice, more than he had ever seen with his own two eyes on the Korean's face. Cho was worried, it didn't need a genius to get it.

"Yes?" he answered, closing his eyes. Jane suppressed the tears that were menacing to break free, and gulped down a mouthful of saliva. He really didn't want to talk about it, but he knew they had to, whatever it was. He couldn't hide from reality, he had to face it. Back then it had been a smiley on a wall and butchered bodies in his daughter's room, now he still didn't know yet, but he felt all the hairs on his arms stand, like electricity was running through his body. He knew he didn't have any powers and it was just fear talking and giving away such signals, and yet…he felt like he knew that something was wrong.

"Jane, I need you to do something for me now. Will you do that?" Cho asked, as calm as usual. Jane nodded, then he remembered that his partner wasn't there to see him, and that he had to actually talk with him if he wanted to be understood. Body language in such a situation was pointless, it lacked of utility.

"Yeah" Jane said. It hurt to talk, it was like he had never drank a sip in his whole life, he felt like he was burning from the inside out, and yet he couldn't stop shivering.

"Jane, I know you are at that motel you used to live when you worked with us." Cho said, and Jane looked instinctively around. Were they there? He felt like he was in Spy Game. "You paid with your credit card, and I put a fraud alert on it just to be sure wherever you could be." Jane grunted. Of course his friend did it. Grace was a genius with computers, but the redhead was probably furious with him for leaving. So, instead of begging for help and risking blackmail, Cho had done the next best thing, making sure that it was the bank to do all the dirty job. Clever man.

"Yeah, well, then, please man up once in your life, ok?" Cho said. His voice was low, like he feared being over-heard (and in fact it sounded like he was at the office) but he was… maybe furious was a word too big to use in such a situation, but the agent sounded definitely exasperated. So, then… what did he really wanted from him? And mostly: how was Lisbon?

"Cho?" Jane asked, tentatively, and when silence followed on the other side of the line, he knew he had just had the green light to move on with his statement. "Sorry if I am bothering you by asking this, but… is Lisbon ok?"

Cho sighed. "I guess it depends on your definition of all right. If, by all right, you are asking me if she is alive and healthy, I can assure you that this isn't the problem at hand. But if by all right you want to include her stubbornness and her incapacity of admitting she may be wrong and that jumping head first into something too big right now is wrong… then no, she isn't all right."

"Oh" Jane simply answered, his mouth a perfect o. He was glad she was alive and well, but he was starting to be worried about all that other stuff. Also, he didn't know exactly what to do, or what Cho wanted from him. He just hoped that he hadn't signed up for murder in the first degree.

"Yeah. And actually, I think she had stopped being all right a long time ago. I don't say that she stopped being all right when she met you, but trust me, man, you leaving again did a pretty good job at making sure she wasn't all right."

"oh" Jane answered again. Actually,. He was starting to be a little scared. It wasn't just that Cho knew where he was. It was that Cho sounded man in that scary kind of way. Cho mad was never a good thing. Maybe he had indeed signed up for murder. Only, it was his own.

Cho at the other side of the line sighed desperate. He had kind of figured out what his friend was thinking, and he was wrong. Jane could be a mentalist. But sometimes he could be an idiot. Especially when he was concerned. And if Lisbon was involved, things could even escalate past the point of idiocy. That was how bad he had it for the brunette.

"Ok, listen to me. I need you to take a quick shower, wear something decent and then grab your car and go to St Michael's." Jane shivered, and Cho didn't need to be there to know it, so he took a big breath and then started talking again. "Jane, listen, you need to be there in less than two hours, ok? Because then it will be too late." He paused, and shook his head. Lisbon would have killed him, but it was the right thing to do. " Jane, in two hours, Lisbon will get married with Heist there, and you need to stop her. Because she may not know it yet, but I think she is doing a mistake."

Jane hanged up, and hurried to keep his word.