A/N: This is kind of the aftermath of the previous chapter, dealing with Gillian's thoughts and realizations that eventually change the dynamic between her and Cal. Hope you enjoy it. Thank you, as always, for your very much appreciated reviews and support.
Disclaimer: I don't own LTM. I just love Callian so much that I can't stop writing about them.
Gillian is nervous. No, correction, she is in a state of alert. That note Cal left on her nightstand... Damn right. You owe me. He is right; she owes him. But she doesn't know what it means. Will Cal have a heyday and rub her nose in it whenever possible, use it as part of his innuendos? Or will he be tactful and not mention it unless she does? She has to laugh about her latter consideration. Because Cal being tactful and unobtrusive? It's not exactly an image she can picture. Ouch! Even the hint of a laughter makes her wince immediately; this is the worst hangover ever. Despite the painkillers Cal left on her nightstand along with the note and the coffee she is sipping, she still feels bad.
She has to read the file that lays on her desk until the appointment with their client at noon, but right now the words don't make any sense, the letters a blurry mess that makes her want to close her eyes. The effect of the drugs and the coffee has to set in sometime, hasn't it? Gillian straightens herself and takes a deep breath. You can do that. Just focus on the file and let the caffeine and the painkillers take care of the headache.
Cal pops in on the way to his office a while later when she has half gone through the file.
"Morning, luv." Pokerface. No gloating smile or sly glance. Only an ordinary morning. As if.
Gillian is thankful that she is feeling better and more or less ready to hold her ground. The headache is still there, but it is reduced to a dull pain in the back of her head by now that she can handle.
"Morning, Cal." Anybody else wouldn't probably notice anything – not the way her body is more tense than usual because of the headache or the way she avoids his gaze too soon and looks down because she is nervous all of a sudden. Why is she so nervous? Because the headache slowly goes away and makes room for other things to think about, she answers her own question.
"Feeling all right?" Of course, he noticed everything, perking his eyebrows up. So much for being an ordinary morning.
Gillian has to stop herself from shifting; his gaze studying her more intense than she prefers. Then the look in his eyes softens and his smile becomes sympathetic, telling her that he understands. Been there, done that. It is Cal, after all. Compared to some of the nights he for sure experienced, the previous night most likely was a walk in the park. Gillian relaxes but when she leans back, the abrupt movement reminds her that her headache is still there, pounding in her head uncomfortably. At the sight of her wince, Cal's smile turns into a broad grin.
"That bad, huh?"
Her first instinct is to deny, to cover up, to do what she always does and does best – hide her real feelings. For a split second, she even considers pretending that she was so drunk that she remembers nothing. Then Gillian realizes how ridiculous, and moreover, wrong it would be. They eventually were honest with each other, told each other the truth and nothing but the truth last night. It would all be in vain if she denied that it happened.
Cal sees a hint of her considerations in Gillian's face, and his grin fades, being replaced by wariness, causing her to raise her hands, palms down – the classical gesture to calm someone. No. Please don't worry. I won't go there, won't deny anything.
"Yes, that bad," she admits, watching his smile return. "And you are right. I owe you – big time. Thank you for being so reasonable, for taking care of me." She remembers everything. The emotional turmoil. That she made a pass at him. Her words. His. Their closeness and how comfortable and safe she felt in his presence, even inebriated, as if nothing bad could happen as long as they were together.
"Figured you could need some water and painkillers," Cal tries to play the situation down, does it on pure instinct because that's what they usually do – adding a smart remark to an admission that is too close to the truth to take the edge off it. Then Cal discerns what he just did, and his body language changes. He can't expect Gillian to be honest with him and hide behind his well-known and well-practised sarcasm. No double standards. This isn't what he wants any longer. This wasn't what the previous night was about. No reliving of old, bad habits.
His trademark jiggle stops; the look in his eyes changes along with his body language. Gillian shivers. Oh, God, the look in his eyes. Suddenly, she perceives the details of the night before she didn't think about as yet. Cal brought her home that much she is sure of. She remembers it, albeit very blurry because she was so tired by then. She doesn't know at what time he left though – maybe right after he had tucked her in, or maybe he had slept on her couch to be there for her in case she would have gotten sick sometime during the night (and somehow, she is convinced that it was the latter). Only now, she realizes something else, remembers the first feeling she had in the morning when she woke up. A feeling that outdid the blinding headache and the bad taste in her mouth easily.
"The glass of water and the painkillers were a nice touch, but what I really missed this morning was you." As startling as the realization was, Gillian didn't mean to say it out loud, a look of utter confusion on her face when she becomes aware that she did.
Honesty is one thing – admitting this a different matter altogether. It is the look in Cal's eyes that made her do it; an expression she has never seen before. Gillian is able to recognize every emotion in Cal's face by now. If he doesn't try to hide it from her on purpose that is. She saw desire – so often that she stopped counting years ago, addressed to other women but most of the time addressed to her. She saw love – a very rare glimpse here and there. Most of the time she caught it when he looked at Emily, but sometimes it was also there when he looked at her and thought she didn't notice. But she never ever saw those two emotions, desire and love, combined in one look before as if one isn't able to exist without the other, as if he is not able to exist without her. Cal's expression floods through her whole body, beginning at the roots of her hair and ending at her tiptoes, leaving one word as an echo in her soul – forever.
Because that was exactly what she felt when she woke up without him. Of course, it would have been nice to press herself against his warm (and naked) body since they had never woken up together before (she had never stayed the night after their... encounters), but she truly missed him this morning because it had felt so good how he had taken care of her. Finally, she had caught a glimpse of how Cal behaves when she gives him a chance. It had taken the alcohol to lower her defenses and let it happen. But now, she knows. There isn't only the dangerous Cal whose behavior constantly implies the threat that she will get hurt. There also is that other part of him that cares about her way beyond desire, a part she couldn't believe is actually there until she experienced it first-hand last night. That doesn't mean Cal will never hurt her again. He will. Gillian considers it a given. But that's not the point. She doesn't want to change him or his default setting that most likely will always cause her sleepless nights. The mere realization how much she means to him and that it influences him enough to act upon it, is enough to change everything though. As simple as it is, it is what she needs to make the next step in the right direction. She is ready, eventually.
Gillian notices that Cal didn't reply to her statement or react at all. Instead, he continues to look at her, study her, his body still rigid, frozen on the spot. Only when she stands up and approaches him, he kind of wakes up as if she broke the spell.
He stops her in the middle of the last step it would have taken her to end up in contact with his body. His hand embraces her neck, his thumb caressing her jawline. Possessive. Almost aggressive. He grabs hold of her so that she can't get away, but at the same time it is a barrier so that she can't get any closer as well. A small gesture with so much meaning, representing where they stand, needing once more time to adjust. Don't come closer, don't run away. Just stay here with me. She loves the implication, loves him, knows it now without a doubt, and judging by the look on his face, he knows that she knows. Gillian feels his hand trembling, his body shivering, the weight of the moment throwing Cal off balance. It would be wrong to ruin this moment with words; the imperfection is perfect as it is.
So, Gillian does neither come closer nor does she try to get rid of his hand taking hold of her. She simply covers his hand with hers to let him know she understands. I'm close enough to feel it all; I won't run away. I will stay here with you.
Cal eventually embraces and kisses her briefly before he goes to his office. The desperately needed step forward. This was it. So far, though, it is just a theory that needs to be proven. Gillian still owes him and wonders what Cal has in mind next, when he will claim what he now knows is his.
Next chapter: Cal claims what is his. ;)