Broken

by Fenrir Vanagandr

I have a penchant for fixing broken things, but how can you fix something if you're the one that's broken? How do you right a wrong you didn't know you had to begin with? How do you change what already is? How do you take back what you didn't know you said? How do you fix something if you're the one that's broken?

2. Tired

Tired.

That is what I feel.

Lost.

That is what I am.

Alone.

That is all I will ever be. Forever alone.

I'm tired, so tired of smiling when I have nothing to truly smile for, to truly make me happy, when on the inside I feel like I'm slowly losing my self, fading away into a what was once a dream now called a nightmare. A distant memory of what once was, what could have been and now will never be.

Oh so tired am I.

So I smile that fake smile in hopes that it will mean seeing you happy, seeing your spirit so bright and vibrant that it is blinding to the eye of the beholder. Yet I envy you just as much as I love you, you have something that I wish I had, wish I could have again, but know that will never be. I accepted that when you walked away from me the first time, and I will accept it again when you realise that you cannot fix me. Nobody can, not even you, no matter how much I wish you could. Believe you could.

Oh so tired am I.

So I smile that broken smile. A smile so heart breaking that even the happiest of characters with the sunniest of dispositions will turn away from the sight, to try and wipe their minds clean and un-see the blinding, never ending pain etched onto my face. A smile filled with such misery and loss and never ending sadness of the people that have died because of me. Oh so many, but it is just too painful to talk about and to make me relive it is subjecting me to the worst kind of torture.

These people will never know that, why should they, what gives them the right to know how I feel, to sit there and feign sympathy, while their eyes show me pity of which I do not want nor do I deserve, whilst their thoughts convey that I got everything that has been thrust upon me in this life. That it was my fault. My entire fault, even if they do not know half the story. It is heart breaking to see into someone's mind and see what they truly think of you, how they truly feel about you, it is a sorry sight to see the people you have known you're entire life think you insane, truly insane and think you are some stupid, trashy backwoods hick with no education and no possible way of escaping this horrid godforsaken town.

Oh so tired am I.

As you may recall I said that I loved you, and I do, I truly love you. Yet you cannot love me. I wish you could, I really do but I know that vampires do not feel. No joy, no happiness, no love, or so I was told. Maybe if you were you human we could've had a life together, a happy wondrous life, where you would come home and sweep off my feet and I would smile and laugh and ask about your day and our children would come rushing in screaming "papa, papa your home!" and you will smile that heart clenching smile and say "no matter how long I am gone, no matter how far away I am, even when I am lost, I will always find my home, I will always return to you my dearest children as you are my heart. How could I live without my heart, when it is the only thing that keeps me strong, keeps going, and keeps me alive? I will always return to you, never forget that." And then you would give me that look, the look that says just how lucky we are to have such loving, caring children and a wonderful life. The house that has belonged to the Stackhouse's for over a 150 years, passed down from generation to generation. We would sit on that porch for the rest of our days looking out and smiling fondly watching our grandchildren play and their children's children, and when it is time for us to part on this earth and give our last dying breath you would give me that look and I would now that is time to say one last final good bye. With my last breath I will ask "Carry me?" and you always reply the same way "Always" and with that we close or eyes that once were looking out at the sun rising over our family grounds and walk hand in hand into our forever.

That was if you were human. You are not and in some respects neither am I, and yet I wouldn't change it for the world, change you for the world, and I doubt you would change anything about me.

I am a true romantic at heart, hoping someday to meet my one true love who will sweep me off my feet and carry me away from here. At some point I wished it could be you, I guess I will have to stick to my romance novels and my fantasies of another life we could have had together.

Yet envy you, your will to keep going and your vivacity for life is something I could only dream of, if I ever dream at all. 1000 years you have walked upon this earth, you have seen so many things that I could only ever begin to imagine. I wonder how much more there is for you to see?

I guess I will never know.

Oh so tired am I.

And I am. I'm tired, tired of walking, tired of breathing, tired of fighting, tired of feeling, tired of living.

What can I do?

The answer is I don't know. I don't know my own mind any more. You were my last hope yet you do not answer me when I call. When I cry out for you, scream for you! Have you abandoned me like all the others?

Have you had your fun with the little virgin telepath?

Was I just some sick, twisted game? My answer, is that yes, yes that is all I am to you and you are not even here to contradict me in my thoughts. I loved you and a part of me always will, but I am tired of having my heart broken.

Now I have no heart, I have no life, I have no one.

My one hope.

My life.

My saviour.

My heart.

Where are you now?