I do not own the Despicable Me franchise.

For this story, the minions speak their words backwards. For example, review is weiver.

Don't Mess With Gru

"Come on, Ted," Edith coaxed. "You've been hit with missiles and bombs-there's no way a stupid mutagen could bring you down."

But the little minion was too tired to move a muscle. He was slumped at the bottom of one of the metal cages, his eyes half-lidded. "Derit," he moaned. "T'nod tnaw ot evom."

The blonde cast a quick glance over her shoulder to make sure that all the other minions had made their way to the courtyard. "Everyone good?"

They all turned to give her looks of bafflement and Edith winced. Of course they weren't good! They had been brainwashed and forced to attack their own master. "Never mind," she said hastily. Edith turned back and stared at the lone minion left in the spherical cage she was in charge of evacuating.

Carefully, Edith stepped onto the metal bars that made up the cage. She inched her way towards the center where Ted was lying. "Hang on, I'm almost-"

"Edith! What are yoo doeeng?"

Edith paused, balancing on the bar and turning her head to glance at Gru. "I'm getting Ted."

Gru quickly made his way over to his daughter and minion. He picked both of them up and exited the pod. "Edith, yoo need to t'ink t'ings through more often. We don't know eef dese pods have a set lift-off time!"

Edith arched an eyebrow. "So I was supposed to leave him?"

"No! Yoo should have come and gotten me." Gru set the two on the concrete. Ted managed to stay on his feet but he looked close to collapsing at any minute. "Hang een dere, Ted. Dr. Nefario will be back at any moment."

Edith pushed her beanie up and peered at the seemingly endless stream of yellow splayed out in the courtyard. "How many minions can fit in Dr. Nefario's ship?"

"Roughly four dozen, and eet's a tight squeeze," Gru said with a tired sigh. "He's only made four trips so far and we're not even close to makeeng a dent."

"Gru!"

Margo hurried up to her adopted father and sibling, out of breath and panting. "We emptied out all the pods."

"And other than signs of extreme exhaustion there doesn't seem to be anything else wrong with them," Lucy added, coming up behind Margo.

Gru took all this in and nodded. "Okay. Gurls, I will be here for a while. Yoo can catch a ride back with Dr. Nefario-"

"No way!" Edith exclaimed. "We can't just leave!"

"Yeah, they need us!" Margo said firmly. "After everything they do for us we can't just abandon them in their time of need."

Seeing the determination shining in their eyes, Gru gave a slow nod of acceptance. "Alright, alright. How about yoo gurls help keep de minions een high spirits? Your seester ees already getteeng started."

Margo peered around the courtyard and spotted Agnes, who was sitting in the middle of a circle of tired minions. Her face was full of animation and she was making wild hand gestures, which meant she was telling one of her rather creative (and absurd) made-up stories.

"Yeah, we can do that," Margo agreed. "Come on, Edith. I'm sure we can think up a story or two to make them happy."

The two girls ran off in separate directions, looking for the minions who looked truly depressed. Gru watched them go with a soft smile. Lucy leaned her head against his arm and smiled affectionately. "You all really love these guys."

"Eet's hard not to. Dey are irresistible," Gru said teasingly, throwing her earlier words back at her.

All of a sudden, a giant wind flew over El Macho's property. The trees bent back, the bushes were uprooted and the minions and the girls went flying. Gru wrapped his arms around Lucy and held her close until the wind died down.

"That's Silas for you," Lucy remarked, a sheepish smile on her face. "He likes to arrive in style. I should have warned you in advance but all this minion-madness kind of made it slip from my mind. Sorry."

"Eet's alright," Gru assured.

"No it's not. You're frowning." Lucy reached up and attempted to twist the corners of Gru's lips into a smile.

"De frown ees not for yoo," Gru said, gently removing Lucy's fingers from his face. He glanced up at the giant blue and silver aircraft that had landed in the now-empty courtyard. The minions and his girls had been blown to the edges and were straggling back to their feet.

A sleek black ramp stretched from the ship and touched down on the cracked concrete. The hulking form of Silas Ramsbottom climbed out, a pair of dark sunglasses covering his eyes. "I suppose it would have been too much to ask to have this case solved before it came to this," he remarked dryly, casting a pointed glance at Lucy.

Gru's frown morphed into a scowl. "Eet ees-"

Lucy placed a restraining hand on his shoulder and nodded in the direction of the yellow creatures sprawled on the greenery lining the courtyard. Gru gritted his teeth and clamped his lips shut. "We all should have listened to Gru to begin with," Lucy said to her superior. "We brought him on the team because he knows villains inside and out. He knew quickly who was behind the theft of the formula and even though his reasoning was personal we still should have listened to him."

"I do not arrest people based on mere gut feelings," Silas said flatly. "Now where is El Macho? I don't have all day. There is his boy to deal with, and that needs to be done as soon as possible."

Lucy pointed to the stone steps leading to El Macho's elegant mansion. The large, furry unconscious form was clearly visible. "We didn't administer the antidote. I figured you would want him in this form for solid evidence, since he's done a pretty great job of covering his tracks."

Silas gave a curt nod of approval and snapped his fingers. A dozen or so men in dark blue suits and sunglasses descended down the ramp, bearing heavy chains and several Tasers.

"You know, I think a Fart Gun would work better in subduing him when he wakes up," Lucy suggested.

"A Fart Gun?" Silas echoed, scandalized. "What moron would come up with such a ridiculous weapon?"

"My personal scientist and dear friend, Dr. Nefario," Gru said in a deadly quiet voice, silently challenging the man to the insult the gifted scientist further.

But Silas knew of the evil scientist's reputation and did not comment further. He turned on his heel and went to oversee the arrest of El Macho.

"He really grinds my gears," Gru growled, glowering after him.

"He's always been that way. You get used to it." Lucy shrugged. "When he gets really insufferable, bringing up the A.V.L Union normally shuts him up for a while. The last thing he wants is for an employee to complain about harassment or something like that." She paused for a moment before turning to Gru with a puzzled expression. "By the way, why would you want Fart Gun?"

A grin curled across Gru's expression. "Eet was actually supposed to be a Dart Gun. Dr. Nefario does not have de best heareeng."

"I think a Fart Gun is cooler than a Dart Gun," Lucy said thoughtfully. "It's more creative."

"Well, eet's gotten more use than I t'ought eet would."

"Poka! Tup em nwod! Boss! Boss!"

Roger's frantic cries met Gru's ears. The ex-villain whipped around to see his minion thrashing in Silas' grip. The man held the minion carelessly, gingerly keeping him aloft with two fingers pinching the black denim pant-leg. Gru was over in an instant, his face becoming a storm cloud.

"And just what do yoo t'ink yoo are doeeng?"

"I am taking this creature back to A.V.L labs," Silas informed. "We need to test for any lasting side-effects of the antidote. We very well can't test the antidote on El Macho. Who knows what side-effects might develop?"

"I don't recall giveeng yoo my permission to test on my minion," Gru said coldly. "And I'm not giveeng eet."

"You have every single minion on Earth," Silas snapped, irritated. "You won't miss this one-you have ten thousand, three hundred and ninety-nine just like it."

"Roger ees a he," Gru growled. "Despite what yoo, El Macho and many other villain masters before me t'ink, de minions are not t'ings to be abused and bashed around."

"You experiment on them," Silas said slowly. "I know this for fact."

"I test chemicals on dem. All chemicals dat Dr. Nefario creates do not have deadly eengredients een dem. And eet ees not about whether or not Roger can withstand de testing. Eet's whether or not he wants to go with yoo."

At this Gru turned to Roger expectantly. The minion rapidly shook his head in the negative, as he didn't trust anyone other than Gru or Dr. Nefario to do any sort of testing on him.

"Dere's your answer," Gru said shortly. "Consider eet the answer from all of my minions."

"This is ridiculous! I am taking this thing with me and-ouch! You vile beast!"

For Roger had managed to reach up and sink his teeth into Silas' wrist. As the man went to strike the minion in hopes of getting him off, Gru's fist sailed right into his nose.

Stunned and in severe pain, Silas immediately relinquished his hold on Roger and cupped his hands over his bleeding nose. Roger scrambled behind Gru and looked up at his boss with an expression of admiration and awe. "Knaht uoy."

Gru gave a nod in response, his stormy gaze never leaving Silas. "I am goeeng to tell yoo somet'ing right now. No one hits my minions-EVER. Yoo are goeeng to bring El Macho to your airship. Yoo are goeeng to bring him to justice. When yoo drop El Macho off een prison or een your lab or wherever, yoo are goeeng to bring de aircraft back so we can speed dis process up. All dese minions are goeeng to be at home by tonight. Finally, yoo are goeeng to forget about dis eencident because eef yoo try to come after me I promise eet weell be de biggest mistake of your life."

In that moment Silas understood why Felonius Gru was considered the best of the best when he was a villain. His escapades may not have been top notch, but his demeanor was.

Aware that Gru would truly do harm if he did not back off, Silas sent Gru a cold glare and stiffly walked off with his men in tow, lugging the limp mutated form of El Macho behind them.

Extremely pleased with himself, Gru turned to see his girls and Lucy gaping at him. "Er…uh…I am not normally dat violent," Gru said hastily, suddenly fearful of what those he held dearest would think. "Eet was an impulse action and-"

But he didn't get to finish, as Lucy and Edith both breathed in unison,

"That was awesome!"

What? Roger still trusts Dr. Nefario? What nonsense is this?

You'll find out the (simple) reason in later chapters.