A/N: i own nothing, don't read this if you're young, all that business.

sorry in advance you guys. i actually debated for a LONG time whether to give you a long chapter or to cut the last part until next week, i decided to cut, so, hold on to the good feels you're going to have at the end of this.

enjoy the locker scene, seriously. read it like 50 times and say you love me. because next week you're gonna hate me.

locker scene is probably one of my faves in this entire story. it's like the climax. or summatish. things change. you'll see what i mean.

for realsies.

next part: probably tuesday or weds? ionno. we'll see.

p.s. i'm working on another harurin fic. it was supposed to be happy. but i suck at writing happy things. so it starts off cutesy and then, suddenly boom. dark.

stfu already i wanna see this locker scene.

alright, alright locker scene.

XXX

Rin laid in his bed looking at the ceiling. He couldn't believe what he had walked in on Nagisa doing the other day. If I hadn't been there, what could have happened?

He looked at his hand, it still stung from when he swung it across Nagisa's face. He hadn't meant to do that and he never wanted to do that again. His thoughts went back to Nagisa. He had promised not to talk about it or tell anyone, but how could he do that? He liked Nagisa a lot, but he wasn't Nagisa's best friend or anything.

Rin realized he was going to have to call Haru. He frowned. He still did swim training, and he was the star freshman on the Tokyo University team. And, Tokyo University sports were basically on the level of the professional circuit. He had swum against Haru as a result, in these sort of events, but they mostly avoided each other. After all, Makoto had convinced Haruka to start to date him. Not that Rin had really minded. He had been jealous at first, but it was so obvious back then that Haruka still wanted him. And yet, after what happened, Haruka still went back to Makoto and, broke it off with Rin. On the one hand, Rin didn't expect Haruka and Makoto to last, but he wanted Haru to come back to him, not the other way around. Rin didn't grovel.

Still, he knew that he had to talk to him. He had to see him for Nagisa. Rin groaned a bit. He sent a quick Facebook message to Haru.

XXX

Haru frowned. On the one hand, he didn't want to have to tell Makoto that he had received a facebook message from Rin, but on the other hand, he knew that if he didn't tell him, that Makoto could potentially find out and if he did, it would be a much bigger deal.

"Makoto," he called out.

Makoto came out of the kitchen, he had been into baking lately. He went through hobbies relatively frequently, mostly he spent his time figuring out how to spend his time because Haru seemed to be busy with training all the time. He was currently baking a cake, but there were at least a few minutes before it needed his attention again, "What is it?"

"I received a facebook message from Rin," Haru said softly. As quickly as the words came out of his mouth he felt embarrassed, "I'm going to delete it, but I just wanted you to know."

Makoto's expression darkened, "No, you should open it."

Haru looked surprised.

Makoto expected it to be a typical Rin game and that maybe he could show Haru how manipulative and bad for him Rin truly was. Haru said, "O-okay."

"I wanna read it."

Haru nodded, slightly regretting his decision to be open with Makoto. He opened the document.

Hey, I know you don't want to see each other anymore, but I need to talk to you about something. It's about Nagisa. Can you come to the Tokyo U cafe tomorrow?

"See, he's trying to get you back into his life again, as I expected," Makoto said, and he headed back to the kitchen.

But, Haruka replied, "But, he says it's about Nagisa. What if it's important? What if Nagisa is in trouble?"

Makoto frowned, perhaps he should have just had Haru delete it without opening it, "Fine. We'll go together."

Haru sighed. This was not going to be fun. Makoto and Rin at the same table never went particularly well.

Okay. 2?

Sure.

See you then.

XXX

Rin was early. He normally wasn't the sort of person who was late, but he wasn't usually particularly early either. And yet, the prospect of meeting Haru had made him nervous and as a result, he went to the cafe early. He had ordered a hot chocolate with whip cream as it was a relatively rare thing in coffee shops in Tokyo, and those that had it, tended to make crappy ones. Surprisingly, the one at Tokyo University's cafe was pretty damn good. He sipped on it. He had found a small table that would be good for Haru and him, it was in a relatively secluded part of the cafe, meaning that they could talk without so many ears listening.

Rin was watching the outside world, waiting for Haru to come in. He saw Haru out the window and took a deep breath in. And then he saw, Makoto, behind Haru. This perturbed Rin a bit. Why'd you bring, him, Haru? He wondered. He imagined that Makoto had probably insisted.

The pair entered the cafe and Haru's eyes fell onto Rin. There was a certain light that appeared in them which hadn't been there before, but Rin was sure that he would deny it, if Rin pointed it out.

They bought croissants and some fruit and water and joined Rin. Rin had to roll his eyes about the croissants. He knew that in Haru's current circuit, he did some traveling to Europe and that Makoto went with him, and Rin was sure that Makoto thought that they were being oh so cultured. Haru took the seat across from Rin, and Makoto grabbed another chair and slid in between them. Rin did his best not to smirk about how obvious it was that Makoto was insecure, but it did annoy him, "Did you have to bring him?"

Haru looked at Makoto. Makoto simply said, "I don't see what the problem is."

"Are you really so insecure that you can't possibly trust Haru to see me by himself about something that has utterly nothing to do with your relationship?" Then, Rin smirked, "Although, I guess I can get it. If he looked that bored next to me, I'd probably be scared too."

Makoto didn't rise to Rin's bait and instead turned to Haruka, "As I expected, he's just fucking with you, Haru. This probably wasn't about Nagisa at all, he just wanted to-"

But, to Rin and Makoto's surprise Haru interrupted him, "Why did you want to meet?"

Haru sounded cold and distant, but his body obviously was reacting to seeing Rin. Rin sighed, "I'm worried about Nagisa."

"Why does that concern Haruka?" Makoto asked, trying to keep distance between the two of them.

Rin rolled his eyes, "You know what? This is bullshit. Haruka," Rin intentionally used Haru's full name, "I'm not going to have a moderator for our conversation. Just fucking give Nagisa a call once in awhile, okay? I'll fucking deal with it myself. I didn't realize this was going to be some big event."

Makoto shook his head, "It's because you always have to make it one."

Rin stood up and grabbed his hot chocolate, "Really, this wasn't about us. I'm worried about Nagisa, and you should be too, Haruka. And as for you Makoto, he's your friend too, or used to be, it wouldn't hurt for you to check in on him too."

With that he left. Haruka grimaced, he knew that this was going to cause a big fight with Makoto. As for Makoto, he shook with anger. How did Rin do it? How did he manage to always get Haruka to do whatever he fucking wanted?

XXX

Rin shifted uncomfortably, the two boys had been making out a lot lately, and that had been amazing. Rin had planned on going to take it farther with Haru, but Haru had recently said that he had never done anything like that, and he was nervous. Rin said that they didn't have to, but then today, Haru asked a certain question that was difficult for Rin to answer.

"I told you I hadn't been with anyone, but you -" Haru paused, "you have, haven't you?"

Rin looked away, finally, he said, "Nitori, my first time. Then, once in awhile with some other people."

Haru's eyes widened and he felt jealousy bubble up inside of him. He wasn't a big fan of Nitori to begin with, because Nitori got to be close to Rin when Rin was in boarding school, and this made that worse. A whole lot worse. "S-still?"

"I told you, Haru, I'd fuck other people. You could too. If it upsets you, we don't have to..."

Haru's brow furrowed, he hated this. He agreed to it, but he hated it. He wanted Rin to be his and his alone. But, there were times when Rin was so distant that he may as well have been back in Australia. Finally, Haru shook his head, "I want to be with you, I want to do this with you, and I'm okay if you fuck other people, but...not anyone we know, okay?"

Rin's nose twitched a bit, but he shrugged, "Okay, that's fair. I won't fuck Nitori again."

Haru nodded, but he still had questions. He wanted to be the most important person to Rin, he wanted to be the only person for Rin, and if he didn't fuck Rin soon, then maybe Rin would get bored of him. That thought scared him, "Will you tell me about it?"

Rin winced a bit, that didn't seem like a good conversation to have with Haru, but the look in Haru's eyes begged him to. Rin sighed. He finally asked, "What do you want to know?"

Haru blushed, "Who...who did what?"

Rin chewed on his inner cheek, Rin spoke uncharacteristically quietly, "He fucked me."

This had surprised Haru. He thought for sure that the answer would have been different, "Why did you guys..."

"I was having a bad day, and he was trying to comfort me and it just happened."

"But, it was your first -"

Rin interrupted him coldly, "It's just a first time, Haru, it's not like it matters. It's just sex."

It matters to me, Haru thought sadly. He couldn't help but be jealous. He had known Rin was more active than him, but he wanted Rin to only have him and only want him, "I-Okay, I wanna do it."

Rin eyed him carefully, "Are you sure?"

Haru nodded, and it was true. He wanted to make Rin want him, "How...how should we?" Haru was embarrassed to ask such a question, but he simply didn't know.

Rin eyed the dark haired man, "I wanna do you. And when you're comfortable, I want you to take me, Haru."

Haru nodded slowly feeling himself harden at the thought of being inside of Rin. He was nervous though, still. His hands were in fists on his bed. His heart was pumping. But, when Rin leaned in to kiss him, he relaxed.

XXX

"You can come in the bath, if you want," Haru offered. It was certainly big enough for two.

Makoto hesitated. Haru was so comfortable with him, it almost felt like he was acting as though nothing had ever gone wrong between the two of them.

Haru shrugged, "Was just offering. We can go sit in the living room."

Haru stepped out of the tub and was of course wearing a swimsuit. Makoto could not help but feel an ounce disappointed. What exactly do I want from him? Haru turned off the jets and drained the tub. He grabbed a towel, and led Makoto to his living room. The living room was western style and so, they sat on a large couch.

"So, tell me why you're here, why you wanted to see me, and what happened with Rin," Makoto said flatly.

"I'm here because you're here," Haru replied, "and I had to see you. I've wanted to see you and talk to you since the day of my debut. I was really mad at you that day, the fact that you left right before I had to swim made me mad."

"Not that it affected your time," Makoto spat.

This surprised Haru, he hadn't expected Makoto to have kept up with his career. In fact, the day Haru debuted had registered one of his best speeds ever. He set records. Haru lowered his eyes, he kept his voice even, "I suppose not."

Makoto let out a sigh, he didn't meant to be so rude to Haru. It had been a long time since Makoto had broken up with him. It may have been a bit unfair to still be this bitter. But he couldn't be blamed, Haru was here. Haru's presence was affecting his life. Still, Makoto wasn't here to discuss his break up with Haru. Makoto was here to understand what Haru's being here meant for their future.

"Anyway, shortly after you left, I..." he paused, looking for the right word, "reconnected with Rin. But, around that time, I started having nightmares."

Makoto's interest was peaked.

"I had nightmares about you. And so, I spent a long time looking for you. You couldn't be found though. Who would have thought, you really weren't that far from home? I figured you were off in another country."

Makoto smiled at this, he had enjoyed Europe, when he had gone alongside Haru, who went there for training, but it was too expensive for him to go live there.

"Anyway, the nightmare was always the same and I couldn't stand it, and I felt so guilty. So, when Nagisa found you, I knew I had to see you."

"Nagisa visited a long time ago though," it hadn't been that long, but it was at least a few months.

Haru sighed, "He made me earn your number."

Makoto smirked, "What?"

"He didn't give it to me for eight weeks and he still didn't want me to come here," Haru replied.

Makoto raised a brow.

Haru explained, "He felt badly about what happened between him and Rei. Said I would only hurt you again."

Makoto nodded, he was still getting used to being in the quiet position in their relationship, but he wanted to let Haru explain himself while he processed the information.

"Anyway, I thought maybe if I saw you, you'd be happy and the nightmares would stop."

Makoto said, "I see. And?"

"And they haven't," Haru answered.

"What are they about?" Makoto asked.

"You drown and die in the ocean and it's my fault. I make you swim in it and you get all tangled up. Usually I wake up before you die, but not always," Haru explained. He was craving tea, but he wanted to speak until Makoto was content.

"I see," was all Makoto said, "And, what about Rin?"

Haru sighed. That was the long part. He asked, "What about him?"

The question may have sounded snarky, but it wasn't intended to be. There was just a lot he could say about Rin, and he didn't know what exactly Makoto wanted to know. And he preferred to avoid discussing Rin with Makoto, as much as possible at least.

"Why'd it end?" Makoto asked, "Or at least, I assume it's over."

"It's over," Haru confirmed, "And it will be forever."

This surprised Makoto, "Is he dead?"

Haru raised a brow.

"Sorry, maybe that was rude, I just... I never thought you'd end it with him permanently. I always figured if that happened, he'd have to have died of an overdose or something," that sounded pretty bad, Makoto realized, but it was true. Rin lived a life on the edge, and that came at a price. Also, the thought that Haru could ever believe that his relationship with Rin was permanently over, indicated to Makoto that Rin had to be dead.

Haru nodded acknowledging that, "Yeah. He's not dead. At least, as far as I know. He's still friends with Nagisa. I think they last saw each other a month or so ago. I dunno, they may be hanging out now. I haven't seen Rin since we broke up, but they tend to hang out when I'm busy or away."

Makoto nodded, "And why exactly did you break up?"

"That's a complicated story," Haru answered. And it was, Haru wasn't the best guy in the story either, "Basically, I guess, after you left, Rin and I realized we hated each other. And so, we spent our lives making each other miserable, but we had no one else and so, we kept falling into each other and hurting each other. Eventually, something happened which caused me to evaluate what we were to each other. As part of that, I did something which was misinterpreted by Rin, and of course, Rin was Rin about that, but while Rin was being Rin, Nagisa let something slip that changed the entire scenario. So, when Rin sobered up, that was the end."

That was the very abridged version at least. Haru had said it all very fast, his thought was that maybe if he said it all quickly, Makoto wouldn't ask for any more of the details, but things are never that easy.

XXX

They finished the race. It went absolutely amazingly, and Haru remembered instantly why he fucking wanted Rin so much. He remembered why it was not the same with Makoto. Not that losing Makoto hadn't hurt, but Rin was right there in the lane near him, and so fucking sexy. There was something about being in the water with him that was absolutely electric. They each had their own private locker room, but Haru followed Rin to his.

Rin eyed him suspiciously, "You do know this is my locker room, right? I'm the rookie, but it does say 'Rin' on the door. What are you doing in here?"

Haru shut the door behind him without a word.

Rin smirked, and the wheels began to turn, he purred, "That was one of our best times you know? Record setting. As to be expected of a relay featuring you and me."

Haru still didn't say anything, he looked at Rin like he wanted to eat him. And he did want to, but these things were best enjoyed slowly.

Rin smiled, "I noticed Makoto wasn't in the crowd. He dumped you, didn't he? Bet he was jealous of how fucking horny you get swimming with me."

"Shut up," Haru replied, but it was true. Haru wanted Rin, now. Slowly, he reminded himself.

Rin raised his eyebrows. Haru walked over to him and pushed his lips against Rin's. Rin closed his eyes and accepted the kiss. When Haru pulled back, Rin asked, "Suppose I had said 'no'?"

"You could never say 'no' to me," Haru breathed out.

Rin's lips curved upward.

Haru stared at him for a moment. The kiss had been fantastic, and yet, there was something wrong with how he was feeling. What was it? What could be wrong with kissing Rin after how long he had to wait for this?

This isn't love, he realized, suddenly. He hadn't loved Makoto, Makoto was just Makoto. He thought he had loved Rin, but he didn't love Rin either. But, he did feel something strong for Rin, "Do you remember when you got me high for the first time?"

Rin nodded slowly.

"Remember how you fucked me bare for the first time and then, I told you that I loved you and you said fucking nothing back?"

Rin continued to nod wondering, Where is he going with this?

"I was wrong. You were right."

Rin raised a brow.

"Love's not real, Rin. It doesn't exist. I didn't love you. I didn't know what love was. I still don't. Because I still don't love you."

Strangely, that hurt Rin a bit. Even after all this time, Haru was special to him. Not that love was a word in Rin's vocabulary.

"No," Haru said, his voice devoid of emotion, "It's hate. I hate you. I hate you so fucking much."

Rin smirked.

"Don't smirk at me, I'm dead serious. I seriously fucking hate you. You ruin everything for me, Makoto is perfect for me. He's nice to me. He loves me. He cares about me. But, he's so fucking boring. And I thought that it was because I loved you that I found him boring by comparison. That it was my fault that I couldn't love him like I loved you. But it's not that at all. It's cause I hate you, and I can't hate Makoto. But, it's the hate that means I can't get rid of you either. And so, I can't stop going back to you. My hatred for you is so fucking strong that it draws me to you. You suck me in and you fuck me up and I fucking keep doing this with you and it makes me hate you more. I hate you so, so fucking much. It's not love at all that makes me go back to you, it's hate. We're tied together by hate."

"Yeah?" Rin asked eyes burning. He was the one who always told Haru that love wasn't real. He was the one that had to spend years waiting while Haru was in a relationship, "I hate you too, Haru. I hate you so fucking much, you have no idea."

"Yeah, you might hate me. But, not as much as I hate you. But, you'll hate me more and more as it goes on. Cause it's my turn to mess you up," Haru said and he leaned down to lick Rin's neck.

The look in his eyes almost scared Rin, but it was Haru, "Yeah? What makes you so sure? You're a little bitch, Haru. You may be a good swimmer, but you're fucking mesmerized by me. You can't even begin to hurt me. You don't hate me. You don't know what hate is."

"Shut the fuck up, Rin, just shut up. Everything I feel is hate, Rin. I definitely hate you."

Rin closed his eyes.

"Now, I'm gonna fuck you so hard, you're gonna cry," and with that Haru started to bite Rin's neck.

Rin exhaled. Haru was biting him forcefully. Rin groaned a bit, "Gently, Haru."

"Shut up," Haru bit harder.

Rin winced and leaned against the locker, he had no idea what was going on with Haru, but damn if he wasn't going to enjoy it.

XXX