It's happening again. I'm having new ideas, but not old ones (if that makes sense). Whatever. Here's a little something that…honestly? I have no idea what it is.

My Girlfriend, Yuffie
Chapter 1: In Which My Best Friend's An Asshole

Few people understand me. Most of the ones who do live thousands of miles away, because I met them through Tumblr. Then there's Marcus. He understands me. He's also a real dick about it sometimes.

I should explain. Marcus is kinda-sorta a genius. He doesn't spend all his time gaming (like me), but he does spend it inventing and/or creating programs. He also drinks. A lot. Which is another thing I don't do.

So anyway, he's around at my house one day and he tells me, "Hey, so, you know how you're sorta obsessed with video game characters, right?"

"It's not an obsession," I correct him, "it's just a healthy affection that really isn't as healthy as the phrase implies."

"Right," he drawls, drawing out the word sarcastically. "Anyway, I think I've found my magnum opus, and it ties right into that. I created this program on one of my spare laptops…"

"Please, stop reminding me of how rich you are."

"…and its sole purpose is…" He leaves it hanging.

I sigh. He always does this, being theatrical about things. And I was the one who did Drama in high school (I always played Mercutio in productions of Romeo & Juliet, and a friend of mine was always Tybalt. I think the universe was trying to tell us something). "What is its sole purpose, Marcus?"

He poses dramatically. "A dating simulator."

I blink. "You've gotta be kidding me. Your magnum opus is a dating sim?"

"Wait for it, though. I programmed it with a heap of characters from that…uh…Final Fantasy thing you like. The girl in pink all the time, the one with ridiculously big tits…"

"Don't say 'tits', it's demeaning to women," I say reflexively. The extreme branch of Tumblr feminism seems to be rubbing off on me.

Marcus just rolls his eyes. "That ninja girl's in there too."

I shake my head. "You're an asshole, you know that?"

"Yeah. But I'm willing to give this thing to you."

"Nu-uh, no way, not a chance in the nine Hells."

"C'mon, Gohan, give it a shot."

I glower at him before staring at my feet.

Before I go any further, I should explain about the whole "Gohan" thing. Back in high school, Gohan was my nickname – partially because I bore a vague resemblance to the Dragon Ball Z character of the same name, but mainly because of a game a friend and I used to play in Japanese class. We'd both grab a Japanese-English dictionary and read out "Are you a…" and a Japanese word, and the other would have to answer yes or no. I always seemed to answer yes to things that surrounded rice, and so my nickname became Gohan, because gohan means "ricebowl" in Japanese.

Anyway, back to my thought process. I really didn't want to do this whole Final Fantasy dating sim thing (not seriously, anyway), but Marcus had this ridiculously earnest look on his face (complete with puppy dog eyes). I could never say no to it.

Today is no exception.

"Alright, fine, I'll take it."

"Great!" Marcus beams, digging into his backpack (how had I not noticed that before?) and pulling out a mangled laptop. I say "mangled" because it looks a little weird, with parts that shouldn't really be there on it, but otherwise it was a brand-new laptop. "Here," he says, handing it to me, "this is it. You just have to construct a profile on it – being honest, mind you – then pick who you want to…er, 'interact' with."

I just look at him.

What have I gotten myself into?

The next day, I don't see Marcus (he's too busy working on a cure for cancer, probably). I just sit glaring at the laptop, my knees clasped against my chest. It all seems so stupid and condescending. But…at the same time…my interest is piqued.

Ah, screw it. I may as well.

I grab the laptop and start it up. Immediately, a questionnaire you'd expect to see in a stereotypical teenage girl's magazine pops up with gems of questions like "Do you like long walks on the beach?" or my personal favourite, "If you were stranded on a deserted island, what three things would you bring with you?"

After that, I get asked to pick a character to "woo", as the program tells me. When I see Tifa's name, I pause. I'll admit, I've crushed pretty hard on her for a long time, but… Eh, she belongs with Cloud, anyway.

I see Yuffie next. Each character has their own model when you highlight their name, and Yuffie's was amazing, I'll admit. Apart from a moderately larger bust (which I put down to Marcus being more than just a little perverted), she looked exactly like she had in Dirge of Cerberus. Oh, what the hell? I think, clicking her name. The model of her bounces up and down for joy in a very Yuffie-ish way when I pick her.

Then it gets down to the usual thing. Setting up a scenario where virtual-me meets her in Edge just after she's visited Cloud and Tifa in 7th Heaven one day, virtual-me attempting to turn on the charm, Yuffie reacting in both typical fashion and all blushy, which is new on me. I'm surprised that Marcus has gotten her personality down to a tee; he's never played a video game in his life.

It stays like this for a while, virtual-me talking to her, virtual-her replying, until I notice the time. Crap. I need to sleep. Luckily, there's an option in the program to say "I need to head home", which I pick. 'Yuffie' acts all sad, but lets 'me' go, but not before giving me a piece of paper that has her fake phone number (I say fake because she's a bunch of pixels, OK?), before the program closes.

Rolling my eyes and cursing Marcus slightly (but only slightly; I was actually having fun with this), I take a shower and head to bed.

A little later, thunder rumbles overhead. I'm still wide awake, but I think nothing of the storm. Nothing's on or plugged in, so it's fine, right?

A massive crash of lightning begs to differ. Shortly after that, there's a thump. Huh. That sounded like…a person.

Startled, thinking someone's trying to rob me of my precious gaming materials, I jump out of bed and open my bedroom door, heading towards the source of the noise.

When I get in there, Marcus' laptop is on and shining with a white light. I thought I'd turned that off. The light is illuminating a body on the floor, one that shifts a little and groans. Whoever it is, they're on their stomach. Curious, I flip the person over.

I recoil a little and whisper, "What the fuck?"

Yuffie Kisaragi is lying semi-conscious on my living room floor.