10
A/N: Adult, not mine, all that shit from the previous chapters.
To the anon who was the anon who originally told me to post on ff, I'm not sure if you saw but I actually wrote a post to you on my tumblr and if you have time I hope you'll check it out. Here's the link: post/63553840380/so-hmmmm
For everyone else: This chapter has some of my ABSOLUTE favorite scenes in it, in terms of drama. So, read and enjoy.
Also, I think you should be sure to check out Last Semester, I've uploaded another chapter and there's good stuff in it. And yes, I'm aware that it's slow moving and so far the characters aren't quite as amazing as these, but I'm working on it. The second chapter has damn hot Rintori sex, so go read that if you hate me. Also, I LOVE Haruka in that story. Rin is kind of less exciting, but Haruka makes up for it.
I'm also thinking about doing some pure fluff Haruka/Makoto stuff, so look out for pure fluff. (This was originally supposed to be Haruka/Makoto y'all).
Next update: next week sometime probably. Maybe next weekend. It should be the last update (sadface) and will come with the sexy non-canon to this alternative ending. And I'm thinking about doing more.
LET ME SEE THE GOOD SCENES ALREADY
okay okay.
XXX
"I want to get him help, and put him in a program," Haru said. He had called up Nagisa after Rin had run off. Perhaps Nagisa could help him convince Rin to go into a program. They had all the money in the world, they could find the best, "but he's such an ass. He'll never just listen to me. He already thinks this was some game to me and that I'm just trying to fuck with him. He ran off in the middle of our talk. So fucking mature."
"Well, if you want Rin to obey you that bad, you could always hit him," Nagisa laughed sardonically and hiccuped into his drink. They were sitting in their bar in Hiroo, but instead of being in one of the back rooms, they were at the counter. Nagisa had a rough week at work and was cutting loose. He never got this drunk around Haruka. He was fucked up.
"What?" Haruka looked at him strangely.
"Sorry, I had too much to drink," he burped and knew he was soon going to throw up, "I didn't mean it and it was wrong of me. You don't have to get all protective."
Haruka was still confused, "What are you talking about?"
Nagisa rolled his eyes, Nagisa continued to sip on his drink, "Oh come on, you know what I'm talking about and I apologized. Let it go."
"No, no, I don't know what you're talking about."
"He never told you?" Nagisa asked, "I mean, I know he didn't in college, but you guys have been together now like what, five years not including high school?"
"Nagisa. What. Are. You. Talking. About?" Haruka demanded.
Nagisa winced, he wasn't supposed to tell Haruka, but it was too late now, and his lips were loosened by the liquor, "When his Dad died, his Mom started to beat the shit out of him. I guess cause he looked like his Dad or something? His long hair and the color? Anyway, that's why he left and went to Australia and then, when she made him move back home, he went to boarding school. Y'know, to keep some distance from his Mom.
"But, then, when you guys started your relation-whatever. He switched to public school which he went to for you, Haru, but I guess she made it hell at home for him. Didn't you ever wonder where he got all those little scars? Can't believe he never told you," Nagisa snorted into his cup. Rin was a fucking mystery, even to Nagisa.
Haru's eyes widened. Conversations with Rin flew through his head.
'Where did you get that scar?'
'Practice.'
...
'Yeah...Let's go to your place, Haru.'
'You never let me go to your apartment.'
'Y-You can't.'
'Why not?'
'Let's-Let's just go to your place today.'
...
'My Mom's not gonna be home today, so if you wanna come over... You can.'
...
'Why do you do that to your body? I don't understand.'
'I take them because then I don't feel anything. It's fun, you should try it, Haru. I bet you'd feel fucking incredible.'
…
'I'm thinking about cutting and dying my hair.'
'No! I-I like it the way it is.'
'Oh. If it's what you want, I'll keep it, then.'
'Good. Keep it.'
…
'I can't wait to go to college. I wanna be as far from this stupid place as possible.'
I thought it was me you wanted to get away from.
…
'I can't believe you cried cause you lost.'
'What's wrong with crying?'
'Seriously, Rin? Only little bitches cry.'
…
'Love isn't real, Haruka.'
'You don't honestly believe that.'
'It's the truth. There's no such thing as love. I thought you finally figured that out when you came onto me in my locker room. There's only hate and pain.'
...
Only little bitches cry
…
Love isn't real
...
Practice
…
Only bitches cry
…
Love isn't real
...
Practice
…
bitch
…
Practice
...
How could I have not seen it? How did he not tell me? Why didn't he trust me? Why didn't he talk to me? But, Haruka knew why and that hurt. This was his fault. This was all his fault. For a while there was silence between the boys. A part of Nagisa felt a bit badly about telling Haruka, but mainly, he was too drunk to fully appreciate what he had done.
Finally, Haru said, "I have to break up with him."
"What?" Nagisa asked. That came out of left field.
"I have to. He…He doesn't know how to be in a relationship and he never will. He's supposed to trust me, to believe in me, and I had no idea. He never thought I could help him. And he never will. I did this to him partly. I always thought he was just an ass, but he...he...oh god..." Haruka felt sick, to be by me he let her...And I was no better to him. Instead of showing him real love, I...this whole time, what the fuck have we been doing? What the fuck have I been doing to him?
"S'not your fault."
"But, I..." Maybe if you practiced more, you could actually stand a chance. You're pathetic you know that right? You were never able to swim on my level, but now, you're not even close, "I have to go home and see if he is there."
"Whatever," Nagisa slumped onto the counter.
XXX
"Oh, Haru. Welcome home! So, good to see you. Since you fucking destroyed our other hobby together, I thought we could have a new one."
Haru looked at his bed, this was his apartment, and apparently, Rin had decided to bring Nitori to it and fuck him. If he hadn't been sure that it was time to end things with Rin, this would have definitely pushed him closer to there.
"Get out," Haru said to Nitori.
Rin waved a hand and commanded Nitori, "No, no. Stay."
Then he turned and spoke to Haru, "You see, I was thinking, I was like, I like swimming and that's all fucked up. What else do I like that would hurt you as much as you hurt me today? And then I was like I like fucking and Haru hates when I fuck other people. But, you know what else I realized? That wasn't mean enough. I fuck other people all the time.
"So I was like, how can I fuck Haru's day as much as he fucked up mine? And then, I knew! All I had to do was call up, 'Tori. But, after I was balls deep, I realized this wasn't fair. Swimming was our hobby, we did it together. But, we can't fuck 'Tori together. Well, we can, but I already did," Rin laughed, but then he continued, "Then it hit me, you could fuck him too. I asked him if he'd mind. He said no. So, go ahead Haru, fuck 'Tori, I don't fucking care. I don't care about anything," he burst out laughing, he was some combination of drunk and high.
"It wasn't like today was particularly good for me either," Haru said. His expression was empty.
Rin nodded, "I know. Today's the anniversary of the last time you saw, Makoto. The day we swam our relay together and you fucked me in my locker room. I guess that sort of makes it the anniversary of us fucking each other's lives up. Doesn't it? Happy Hate-versary! How was your little whine fest with Nagisa?"
Drunk, high, whatever Rin was, was bad enough, but Haruka did not want to do this in front of Nitori, "Please get out."
Nitori rolled his eyes, but started to walk away, "Your boyfriend's so boring. I don't know why you let him be by you so long."
"S'not my boyfriend. I don't have boyfriends. You know that, 'Tori."
Haru eyed Rin thoughtfully. Nitori laughed and shut the door behind him, leaving Haru's apartment, Nitori had obviously been on something too, but it was nothing compared to the level that Rin was at right then.
"What's with that fucking look, Haru? Are you sad cause I broke our rules? Does it hurt? Cause it's nothing compared to what you did to me today."
Haru furrowed a brow, "Let's just put you to bed, okay?"
"Nothing?! Are you fucking kidding me? I fucked Nitori, who you hate, who you specifically asked me to never fuck, in your bed, on a day that always makes you sad and nothing?!" Rin snorted, "you really don't give a single shit about me, do you?"
Haru ignored Rin's attempts to incite an argument and instead asked, "Rin, did you ever love me? Ever?"
Rin rolled his eyes, "No such thing, Haru."
Haru knew Rin would reply with that, but it made him even sadder than it used to. A different type of sadder, because for once, when Rin said it, Haruka honestly believed Rin felt that way. Rin continued, "It's something people tell themselves because we're all alone in the end. The only way to be connected is to fuck someone, so c'mere and fuck me. It is our hate-versary after all."
"Not gonna fuck you, it's time for bed," and Haru tucked Rin in to his bed. He'd deal with the breaking up when Rin was sober enough to remember it.
Rin's buzz wore off and he sobbed a bit as he came down from the high, and Haru ran his fingers through Rin's hair. Then, Rin passed out.
XXX
Haru brought Rin breakfast in bed. Even though, Rin had slept most of the day, it was the morning for him.
"Wow, breakfast in bed. I thought you'd get pissed at me over what happened with Nitori. That or you'd go on and on about my partying," Rin was surprised.
Haru said nothing.
"Ah, so you are mad. Go ahead, lecture me," Rin nibbled on the eggs.
"We need to talk."
Rin rolled his eyes, "Didn't we do enough of that yesterday, when you told me that I needed to quit the team and get my shit together?"
"We need to break up, Rin."
Rin started to drop his fork, but quickly recovered it, "You can't break up with someone you're not in a relationship with. We can stop fucking if that's what you want. I've told you since the high school, Haru, we could stop anytime you wanted. We have in the past," he was referring to when Haru had tried being with Makoto.
"It's more than that," Haru was firm, "we need to be out of each other's lives."
"Are you that mad that I started using again? And that I fucked Nitori here?"
Haru sat on the bed, "No."
"Then, what?"
"You and I, we, don't work."
"You're just figuring that out? Aren't you the one who always wanted more than just whatever this is?"
Haru didn't answer, instead he blurted, "How could you not tell me about your Mom?! In all these fucking years?"
Rin made a puzzled expression, trying to determine how Haru figured it out. Finally, he realized, "Nagisa can't hold his alcohol worth a shit, can he?" Seeing Haru's expression though, he added, "S'not like it matters anymore."
Haru didn't smile or smirk or anything, "Oh, but it does."
Rin raised a brow.
"I always thought someday we'd stop fucking with each other and just be happy. Rin, that day, in the locker room, when I told you I hated you, it was a lie. I lied to you. I've loved you since the minute I met you, but you-"
"Love doesn't exist, Haru."
"It does, Rin," Haru put a hand on Rin's cheek. It had been a long time since he had made a truly romantic and gentle gesture towards Rin, and the softness of it seemed to catch Rin off-guard, "And it's partly my fault that you're this way. If only, I'd seen the full picture back then, maybe I could have been different and we could have done this right. But, I didn't. And you refused to talk to me. And that's just how we are. We don't communicate, and so, we hurt each other. We let everything get bottled up, and now -"
"Now, it's all coming apart."
Haru nodded.
"So, what does this mean?" Rin asked.
"It means we live our lives. Separately."
"You're really serious about this?"
"I've been fucking up a long time, Rin, and so have you, but now, now I have to stop. I have to do the right thing."
Rin frowned, "And that means, no more..."
Haru nodded.
Rin thought in passing, so this is what a hangover feels like.
XXX
"So, Rin was essentially playing a different game than you? That's why you didn't work out?"
"No, see, I thought we were playing games and eventually, I don't know, we'd get old and settle down. But, I don't think Rin was playing a game at all, I think Rin really believes that love and pain are the same thing and that what we were doing was how it was supposed to work. And when I realized that, I couldn't do it any more. It was too sad."
"But, why do you think it's over permanently?"
"Because he can't be changed. Not by me at least."
Makoto was surprised, "I would have expected you to try to fix him."
"Nagisa said the same thing. But," he closed his eyes, "some things I can't fix."
"Is that what you think I think of us?" Makoto asked.
Haru nodded, "I'm sorry for what I did, Makoto."
Makoto didn't reply to that. He still had some questions about Rin, "Have you seen him since then?"
"No."
"So, you have no idea what he's doing now?" Makoto asked.
Haru shook his head, "Nagisa mentions him once in awhile, but other than that, no."
"Do you worry about him?"
He did, but he also knew it was futile, "Rin will be Rin."
Makoto went over the conversation in his head. Makoto was tired, he had visited Haruka at what was early in the morning, and now, having heard the whole story took him well to mid-morning, "I appreciate you doing this. I really do, and I do forgive you for back then, so you shouldn't have any nightmares. It's not exactly like I was blame free. But, I need to process. I need to think about this, and until I'm ready to talk with you about it, I'd appreciate if you would let me be."
Haru nodded slowly. He wanted Makoto to forgive him and things to go back to normal between the two of them, but the latter would take time and he knew that.
XXX
Rin and Nagisa were sitting on the Shinkansen going to the countryside town where Nagisa had been only two and a half months before. Nagisa was asleep on Rin's shoulder, but Rin was wide awake. He ordered a drink and some snacks for the train ride, and was nibbling on those. The pair were sitting in the green car, in first class seats. As Rin was sipping on his drink, his thoughts were about what would happen next. His plan was to take Nagisa to Rei and then, what? He figured he'd just have to head back to the hotel, but that could be so damn boring. I'll probably spend the whole time in the bar. Nagisa is going to fucking hit it off with Rei, Haru must have known that or he wouldn't have sent that fucking text. So, then what am I doing here? Am I going to cause some scene with Makoto and Haru? What would be the point? He dumped me.
A small voice in the back of his head replied, You're going because you're Nagisa's best friend and this is the right thing to do. Just stay away from Haru and before you know it, you'll be back in Tokyo. Remember what you promised yourself. Even if you realized you love Haru, it doesn't matter. It's selfish to do anything about it. Haru deserves better than you, he deserves a chance with Makoto. So, just get through this and get back to Tokyo. Hell, if Nagisa and Rei do work out, maybe it'll finally be time to leave Japan.
He shut his eyes, they had a long ride to go, may as well relax for as much of it as he could.
XXX
When they arrived in the town, their first stop was to their hotel. Even though Nagisa had figured out that Rei was the owner of one of the nicest ryokan in the area, and Rin was more than willing to oblige, they both decided that it would be better to stay in the small business hotel that Nagisa had stayed in during his original visit. Just in case things with Rei went south as Nagisa was sure was going to happen, they'd have their own place to stay.
After dropping off their bags, they headed for Rei's ryokan.
"Do you think he knows I'd come looking for him?" Nagisa was behaving different than Rin had seen him behave in a long time. He was much more on the edge and much more nervous.
It made Rin a bit sad, but ultimately, Rin found it cute, "I think you'll surprise him."
"Will you come in with me?"
Rin frowned, he wanted to be as supportive as possible for Nagisa, but he and Rei had not exactly been known for getting along, "I'll take you there, but I think it'd be best if just the two of you talked. I'm sure that it'll all work out after that."
And, Rin meant it, which surprised Nagisa. Nagisa was not as sure as Rin about what to expect. Since Rei, there had been no one in the world that filled the void. It was one thing to fool around with Rin, but he never expected that to be as serious as what he had with Rei. Although, if after all these years, things with Rei went as south as they had the last time that Nagisa had seen him, he knew he could at least have some happiness with Rin. Haruka could be with Makoto, and Nagisa with Rin. After all, like Rin said, no matter what they always had fun, "Thank you. I know this isn't easy for you."
"You're the most important person in my life."
This also surprised Nagisa, "But, what about -"
"He's not in my life anymore, you know that," Rin continued, "I don't care about what happens between you and Rei. If it goes great, that's fine with me, if it goes horribly, I'll kick his ass. I just want you to be happy."
Rin patted Nagisa on the back. The pair were standing now in front of Rei's ryokan. Nagisa smiled, "Thanks Rin. And for the record, I want you to be happy too. Even if this goes well, you're still my best friend."
"Even better than Haruka?"
Nagisa shuddered a bit, hearing Rin call Haru, Haruka, always caught him a tad off guard, but he nodded, "Yeah. It's just different."
"I agree. Now quit stalling and get your ass in there."
Nagisa went inside and Rin turned his heels and headed back for the hotel. He spent a long while inside of it, but when he had run out of ways to entertain himself, he headed for the bar which was recommended in the hotel guide. After all, Nagisa had sent him a text telling him that he didn't have to stay up waiting for him, and things were going great.
XXX
Rei had been having a rather bad day. He knew from the text that Makoto had sent him, that he had decided on talking to Haruka. This wasn't a complete surprise, after all, Haruka undeniable for Makoto, especially after all these years. Not that it didn't make Rei upset. Haruka's presence which had apparently been brought upon by Nagisa generally upset Rei. A part of him always regretted not going to see Nagisa or not going to talk to Haruka afterwards, and perhaps, now was that chance. He'd have to apologize to Haruka for how he behaved the other day, but maybe, just maybe, he'd be able to see the blonde again.
Rei had not yet heard from Makoto about what exactly was said, Makoto simply told him that he was tired, he wouldn't be in the store today, and that he was heading home. Rei planned to stop by his apartment later on.
Right now though, Rei was standing in the ryokan kitchen, cleaning dinner plates and getting ready for the night shift. New guests would be coming in soon, and while he didn't need to work, he tried his best to always greet and get to spend time with everyone who stayed there. After all, these were things that helped family business survive.
Nagisa walked inside and found the place to be utterly beautifully decorated. It was somehow modern and yet classic. He walked into the dining room, and the server sat him down at a table. He told the server that he was here to see the owner, that the owner was an old friend of his.
When the new server found Rei inside the kitchen, an old friend, he had expected the man to be Makoto, inspite of the fact that the server swore it wasn't Makoto. Rei couldn't think of any other old friends. Perhaps, Haruka came to me?
But, when he stepped out of the kitchen and into the dining room, Rei couldn't believe his eyes. Sitting at the table was a blonde, a blonde who had once meant the world to him. No, who still meant the world to him.
Nagisa looked at Rei and then lowered his gaze. He remembered immediately why he never found anyone as appealing as Rei. Not even Rin could compare with Rei's looks in Nagisa's mind. And upon just a glance, he was thrust back into the past when he had to tell Rei that he was going to go to Tokyo University. He felt overcome by the guilt.
Rei came over to the table and sat down beside Nagisa. Nagisa said nothing, there were too many things that he wanted to say, but he wanted the words he chose to be perfect. And that left him without any.
"I'm surprised to see you here," Rei began.
Nagisa raised a brow, "It's hard to believe that a few months ago, I was so close to you and somehow still didn't run into you."
Rei nodded.
"I wasn't sure, if I should come, to tell you the truth, but then, a friend of mine ensured that I had to."
"Haruka?"
Nagisa shook his head, "Rin."
Rei narrowed his eyes.
Nagisa winced, "I want to apologize for what happened when I went to college. I...I should have kept you more up involved in my application process and I should have been more open with you about it all. Included you more…"
Rei frowned, "That was a long time ago, Nagisa."
"Yeah, I guess it probably doesn't matter to you anymore," he was sipping now on the tea that the server had brought him.
Rei thought perhaps he was being too cold. Nagisa had come a long way to talk, and he had waited years to talk to Nagisa, "It hurt a lot when you went to Tokyo. It hurt more when you had such a blast in Tokyo -"
Nagisa cut him off with a snort, "Had a blast?! You're kidding, right?"
"What are you talking about - you used to always post all the great things that Rin and you were doing and you posted all those photos of different places you went around the city. You two went to a shitton of bars, you were just two peas in a pod."
Nagisa shook his head, "Rin practically bullied me into posting what I put up on the internet. He dragged me everywhere to get me to smile," Nagisa thought back, "By sophomore year I was a bit better, but I was miserable my freshman year."
"What?" This surprised Rei. He and Nagisa hadn't spoken, and all he had ever seen were things that Nagisa posted, but could it have been that Nagisa was just as miserable as he had been?
Nagisa fiddled with his wrist a bit. This was a nervous habit of his that he had mostly stopped, but being around Rei and the fact that Rei had thought that he had been happy without him, had made it come back. Finally, he thrust the wrist across the table at Rei. All he said was, "I wasn't happy. I wasn't happy without you at all."
Rei examined it and then, looked back at Nagisa. He started to say something, but it was Nagisa who went first, "When Haruka had his big match, I thought...I thought maybe we could talk. But, you never showed up. Rei, it may look healed, and I may look fine, but this whole time, I've been so damn alone."
"I thought you were happy without me. I...I've been miserable the whole time, Nagisa. There was no one who was ever you, and frankly, I've been ready to settle."
Nagisa smiled, he had been feeling the same way lately after all. But, Rei continued, "I went to Tokyo. I really did, I didn't stay, but I went. I went because I wanted to show you how much better off I was without you. But, in reality, I wasn't."
"You were in Tokyo?"
"For Haruka's match. I actually went to Shinjuku when I was there. I think I saw you across the train tracks -"
"I thought that was a hallucination. I had no idea you actually came," Nagisa was in a bit of shock.
"What?"
"I saw you too, but I saw you everywhere back then. Well, by that point it was a little less, it was much worse when I first went to Tokyo. I saw you everywhere I went, I heard your voice in my head, every day," to fill the silence he added, "but it wasn't actually you, of course."
Finally, Rei spoke, "I'm sorry. I thought when you left, that it was you abandoning me, but I think maybe I abandoned you."
Nagisa shook his head, "We were both idiots."
Rei was afraid to ask his next question, but it slipped out, "Will you stay here awhile?"
"As long as you want me to," Nagisa's voice was silky. In spite of the troubles he had been through, the years had not hurt his looks.
"I don't want you to go back to Tokyo."
"Then, I won't."
For something that spent so long being put off, and had sat for such a long time, it was surprisingly easy for them to untangle, when they were finally able to just talk.
XXX