Dear Diary

I am six month pregnant now and no matter how hard I try I can't seem to enjoy this baby! I know I love this child I am not a monster but I can't stand the thought of it being a part of Alcide. I watch Eric and Earl fawning over my growing belly babbling playfully, the baby seems to respond to them by kicking and rolling when they ask which seems to be the greatest thing to them. If only I could stop picturing my baby with Alcide's hatred for me in its eyes then maybe I would be able to enjoy these moments with them after all these are supposed to be great fun and happy family moment.

For weeks now Sookie's decision was weighing heavy on her mind; she had been doing everything a pregnant woman was supposed to including giving up her coffee and junk food but this was something she knew she had to do even knowing the risks. She pulled up outside the doctor's office feeling uneasy if Eric knew she was here he would lose his mind; he made it a point to come to all of her visits she was sure it was not just because he was excited about the baby but she knew it was so he could watch her and make sure she wouldn't do anything like she was about to do.

Sookie carefully stepped out of the car maneuvering her growing belly around the steering wheel which seemed to be getting harder and harder these days, her nerves were getting the best of her as she looked up at the huge building in front of her. It felt odd being there without Eric and it was causing an uneasy feeling in her stomach, even as she drove into town she couldn't shake the feeling that something was wrong. Sookie hated the guilt she was feeling over what she was about to do but there was no way she could live without knowing no matter how much Eric told her he would love the baby.

Closing her eyes and taking a deep breath she walked into the building quickly; she couldn't help but examine every person she passed afraid that at any moment Eric would appear and she would back out. The elevator was crowded and she was about to walk away and wait for the next one when a bearded man in a ball cap scooted further back into the corner making room for her. She pressed the button for her floor before looking over her shoulder to thank him; he nodded briskly his bushy bearded face well hidden by his hat. When the doors closed Sookie couldn't help but be overwhelmed by the perfumes and colognes that filled the small space and thanks to her pregnancy nose she immediately wished she had waited for an empty elevator.

The scents grew stronger as they stopped at each floor and people bustled on and off it was all she could do at this point to keep her lunch down when the bearded man brushed past her exiting onto the second floor. His cologne was pungent and familiar and it seemed to cling to her senses; her eyes followed him as he walked away hoping to catch a glimpse of his face she had smelled that odor before and if she could only see his face maybe she could remember.

The doors closed again and reopened on the third floor Sookie hopped from the elevator quickly eager for a few breaths of clear air but the scent seemed to follow her as she walked into the doctor's office.

The procedure was quick and painless even with her fear of needles and now thanks to the hair she plucked from Eric's head while he was sleeping the night before she would have the answers she needed. Sookie listened carefully as the doctor the doctor read off the list of risks before they started, she read the paper a second time before signing it and told herself again that this was what needed to be done. Eric told her over and over again that what she was feeling was normal considering everything they had been through "once the baby is here you will feel different" he said every chance he got. The truth was Sookie didn't think she would feel different at all she was terrified that if Alcide was the father she wouldn't be able to love her baby.

Sookie watched the screen as the doctor pressed the long thin needle into her belly; the baby seemed to know what was coming and moved snuggling up on the right side of her stomach. The nurse beside her oohed and awed with every movement the baby made but for Sookie it was just a procedure and though she didn't want anything to happen to the baby she just couldn't enjoy these little things under these circumstances. Once they were finished Sookie dressed quickly trying to push her guilt back down in the pit of her stomach, before she left the doctor told her she would need to take it easy for a few days and a long list of do's and don'ts.

She figured the doctor's orders wouldn't be hard to follow in fact all Eric and Earl would let her do lately was rest; no matter what Sookie was doing whether it be dishes or tossing a light lode of clothes in the wash she was constantly being told to get off of her feet and take it easy. If it were up to the two men in her life she would do nothing but lay in bed and eat, Sookie knew she sounded crazy complaining; after all that is all most pregnant women wanted to do but after so many years of serving others and doing everything for herself it was pretty damn hard to lie around and do nothing.

The elevator doors opened to the lobby and even though the deed was done she didn't feel any more relaxed; she looked around before as she walked through the lobby still examining every face that passed. Sookie hoped no one could tell that she had just lied to the man she loved and put her baby in danger all because all out of fear, the fear that she couldn't love her baby. As she lay there having a needle pressed into her belly a scary thought crossed her mind what she would do if the results weren't what she wanted, what if this baby her baby was Alcide's.

For a second Sookie thought about giving the baby up for adoption but she couldn't live with what that would do to Earl but when she thought about keeping the baby she pictured Alcide face as he hovered over her ready to take her life. Chills ran through her body and her stomach turned before making her push the memory out of her head, Sookie walked toward the door reaching her hand out to open it when the familiar scent caused her to pause. Her head jerked up as his hand touched hers, she stood staring at him his face still hidden by his thick beard and the ball cap he pulled the door open for her.

Her eyes ran over his body and that smell was oozing off of him, that familiar smell that she knew from somewhere

"Thank you"

She pulled her hand back and rushed out of the building and jumped into her car.

Sookie made it to the house just in time for Earl to get home from school she made it a point to always be there when he got off just in case his day didn't go as planned and judging by the smile on his face today wasn't one of those days. Earl looked up to see her waiting for him as he walked through the door; it was a rare thing but Sookie loved to see him so happy and relaxed.

"So what's that about" she swirled her finger in his face jokingly pointing at his smile,

"Nothing" his smiled widened as he spoke

"Awe I have seen that smile before, it's a girl"

Earl blushed as he walked past her to the fridge pulling out a container of juice and grabbed two glasses from the cabinet.

"Promise me you won't get all weird and I will tell you"

Sookie always enjoyed these moments with Earl he was such an easy kid and she couldn't help but hope that a little bit of him would rub off on the baby.

"I Promise, now spill" she said eagerly

"Ok so you know Sheriff Andy's niece Jessica?"

"Yeah the red head" she motioned with her hand for him to continue,

"Well she is a little older than me and she is a grade above me so when I was having trouble in math they made her my like mentor/tutor right"

'Yeah" Sookie couldn't help but smile at his excitement.

"Well she was helping me in study hall today and I did it I actually asked her out" Earl's smile grew bigger as he stared down into his glass

"And what did she say?"

"Oh yeah she said yes"

Sookie suddenly felt a rush of emotions ranging from giddy to fear, was he ready to date, was he old enough, oh god what if it doesn't work out and she brakes his heart will he be able to handle it, at the same time she thought of how happy he was in that moment and how great it would be to see more of it.

"Ok so I don't really know how this works, am I supposed to let you date aren't you to young?"

Earl laughed at her response "umm are you supposed to be asking my opinion?"

"Probably not but you can cut me a break, I am new at being a parent you know"

"Ok so how about this we wait and talk to Eric and come up with some rules for dating and go from there?"

Earl smiled and nodded before throwing his arms around her and kissing her "Thanks mom" he whispered as he grabbing his book bag and rushing out of the kitchen.

Sookie was taken aback by his words he had never called her that before and the sound of that word in reference to her brought tears to her eyes, she slumped down into the kitchen chair and rubbed her stomach as she cried.

"Damn hormones" Sookie mumbled to herself

There were still a few more hours before Eric would be home and he mention bringing home Chinese food for dinner as he was leaving so she didn't have to cook and the house was clean thanks to Tara so Sookie decided this would be a good time to do as the doctor said and rest. Sleep didn't come as easy as she thought it would instead she lay there pushing and pulling her pillow from side to side she knew it wasn't her discomfort that was postponing her nap it was the guilt she was feeling about earlier that day.

She planned on telling Eric once the results were back and she was positive the test hadn't caused any issues in her pregnancy, she hoped that by then he wouldn't get as mad and maybe even understand why it was so important to her. After an hour and a half Sookie gave up her fight with her pillow tossing across the room as she climbed out of bed, it was no use trying to nap; her mind wouldn't shut off long enough for her to sit still let alone fall asleep.

"Sookie" the sound of his voice made her jump

"Sookie, where, oh there you are" Eric pushed the door open to see her standing in the middle of the bedroom her hand cupped under her stomach and a strange look on her face.

"What is it, what's wrong" Eric wasn't sure what she was doing but he could tell she was not herself,

"Um nothing just a little achy" Sookie lied sure she was achy she had been every day since she began her second trimester but this was different this was more than achy there was an odd pain pulsing in her bottom of her stomach.

"Well you should take a nap and relax" Eric moved closer placing a kiss on her forehead,

"Actually I'm hungry and I thin k we need to talk to Earl"

"Why what's wrong with Earl?"

"Jesus Eric why is it always something wrong" she snapped feeling self-conscious as another pain worked its way across her pelvic bone.

Sookie made her way into the kitchen sliding slowly into the closest chair, the doctor told her to take it easy and she did say there would be some cramping but this was more than cramping the pain was shooting through her entire lower half now and it only seemed to be getting worse.

"So what's going with Earl?" Eric stood staring at the odd expression on her face,

"Seriously Sookie what's going on?"

"Nothing Earl asked a girl out on a date that's all"

"No that's not all I can tell you have been crying, and you look strange what else is going on."

She didn't want to tell him about what she had done earlier that day but there was something seriously wrong and it had just gotten worse. Sookie felt a warm wet sensation running down her leg as another sharp pain shot through her, this was it she thought this was her worse nightmare coming true she knew one of the risks was going into early labor and possibly losing the baby and what if it was Eric's baby could he love her knowing she lied to him and caused this.

"Eric I" pain

"Eric I need" more pain

"Hospital" pain

Eric froze looking down at the small puddle forming under Sookie.

"EARL" he screamed as he lifted Sookie out of the chair and carried her to his truck,

Earl came running into the kitchen just in time to see Eric carrying Sookie out the back door; he didn't say anything just followed quickly behind them piling in the truck, he knew from the tone of Eric's voice that this was bad. Earl reached for Sookie's hand and squeezed he didn't ask any questions he knew she was frightened and he wanted to be strong for her but he couldn't stop the tears from running down his cheek as they drove to the hospital in silence.