Dreaming is always so disorienting, sometimes when he sleeps it's just an endless darkness but dreaming always jars him into some strange reality. He has no idea how he ended up there and there's always a lull before his mind clues into what's happening.
He's there again, this time tied up and laid out on a stone, Castiel stands over him with his hand raised and wrapped around a knife. He doesn't even flinch at the knife looming over his head, A lazy smirk splits across his lips. "We're not going to go through the whole book now, are we?"
Castiel grip tightens over the hilt of the blade, he wills himself to finish the job but his hand shakes. "Don't back down now. Finish it."
"I don't know if I can," Castiel admits but he doesn't lower the knife.
"Of course you can," his eyes harden even if the smirk on his lips stays . "You've done it once already."
Castiel squeezes his eyes shut and tries to strengthen his resolve but before he as soon as he's made his choice another hand wraps around his wrist. He opens his eyes and finds a dirty blond man holding on to him, white wings fanned out behind him and he's speaking to him but Castiel doesn't hear him. Something flashes behind his eyes, his mind floods back to something on the brink of his memory where he's holding a knife to his brother as well. A struggle, pain, a flash of light and then- and then-
"Oh God," Castiel gasps awake. He looks down at his shaking hands that are thankfully weapon free. "That was me."
It's all starting to come together, is it?
"I-" Castiel tries to swallow the lump that forms in his throat. A lady with a child in tow crosses the street to avoid the crazy man on the bus stop bench. "I killed you."
Well, you tried. He responds rather bored.
"What would I do that?" Castiel rises to his feet and turns into the small wooded area so people won't hear him talking. "I tried to kill you, I tried to kill my brother."
It's complicated.
"No, no," Castiel shakes his head, his fingers tangle up in his hair and tug, trying to make sense of his new memories. "How could I-"
Sh, don't get yourself worked up all of a sudden.
"But-"
"Hey buddy, you alright?" Castiel spins around and nearly knocks into the man behind him.
"Yes, I'm fine."
"Seem a little edgy."
Castiel, it's time to go.
"Maybe I could help you out," the man grins. He reaches for Castiel, one hand in the pocket of his hoodie.
Castiel.
Castiel tries to move back but the man suddenly whips out a shiny black pistol. Castiel freezes and raises his hands on reflex but the man's hand twitches in response, a shot rings out and Castiel feels a sudden sharp pain in his shoulder. The pain doesn't last long, it's replaced with something else, something strange, his whole body seems to grew numb and his vision dims.
"What are you doing?" Castiel gasps.
"I'm robbing you, you little shit. Give me your wallet or the next bullet goes somewhere important."
A growl sounds in his head and everything goes fuzzy, yet still his body moves, lunges toward the man with the gun. It goes off again but he doesn't feel it, he just watches as his hands move of their own accord and pushes the man into a tree.
"AH!" The man screams when his head gets slammed into tree, bark splitting against the force. Castiel tries to protest what's happening, knows that that voice has found a way to take his body over. As hard as he tries he can't say anything, can't stop the hands that grip the man's head, can't stop the quick snap that breaks his spine and ends his life.
Standing over the body Castiel slowly regains feeling in his fingers, his hands, his arms. He's back in control of his body but he in a way he still feels numb, if we hadn't been a killer when he woke up then he was now.
He was hurting you. The voice tells Castiel. I had to do something.
***It's hot. That's the only way Castiel can think of to describe it yet it's horribly lacking. It's an all-encompassing burning , it covers every inch of him and he can barely breath inside it.
"Now, this is more my scene," the blond next to him hums.
"What is this?"
"Hell." He slips his hands into his pocket and looks over at Castiel. "Do you remember what that is?"
Castiel nods slowly. "I believe so."
"We're getting somewhere then at least." Castiel doesn't understand how he can tolerate the heat and still look so composed, Castiel can practically feel flames licking at his skin and it's almost unbearable. He's just about to ask how they are supposed to get out of there when a light bursts out and blinds him, it drenches the whole place in a blue light and a loud bang follows it.
When it finally dies down and Castiel opens his eyes, there's a stream of blue shinning down from smoky sky down to some far off point.
"I need to go there," Castiel says suddenly. Something in the back of his mind snaps awake and pulls him toward that light. "I need to find-to find someone."
"Oh, please tell me that we won't be reliving the entire forty years you spent looking for that boy."
"Boy?" Castiel asks looking back at him. "Do you know who he is?"
"We both do," he tells him. "If you pushed yourself a little more you could remember everything."
Castiel frowns and looks over to that glowing light in the distance, it tugs at something in his chest, it wants him to find it but a part of Castiel was still too afraid to follow. "I've done…bad things."
"Have you?" He steps up to stand next to Castiel, watching the blue light that has Castiel so transfixed.
"I must have, for this to happen."
His brother snorts, "you'd be surprised how often the punishment doesn't fit the crime."
Castiel tries to walk down the hill they're standing on but a hand on his shoulder pulls him back. "I need to go."
"You won't find him here." He leads Castiel away from the light and his hands slips over his should and down his black. "You know what you want now, go get it."
"I'm trying to," Castiel says a little too harshly but his brother shrugs it off.
"Stop trying to live out your life in here. Everything you need is out there, this is just a dream, just a memory, and you won't gain anything from reliving it."
Castiel is pulled close against the other man, the chill that radiates off him is the only relief he has from the inferno around them. He instinctively leans into his touch and his brother wraps his arm over Castiel's waist.
"So snap out of it," he whispers against Castiel's lips
Castiel snaps awake, nearly hitting his head on the concrete above him. "I remember."
Fantastic.
"I need to find him."
We better get started then. He tells him, though he doesn't sound all that enthused about the idea.
"I need to find…"Castiel pauses and tries to recall a name. "Whoever he is."
With that vast amount of information, we should find him in no time.
Castiel resists rolling his eyes at him. "Do you know who we're looking for?"
We? I never agreed to do any of this, I am just forced to come along for the ride.
"Brother."
I do know who he is.
Castiel waits for him to continue but is met with only stony silence. "Are you going to tell me?"
No.
"Well why not?" Castiel huffs annoyed.
Because, in the long run, that wouldn't be helping you. He says softly, as if worried Castiel might have another break down. You need to do this on your own.
Whatever faith he had in Castiel was clearly misplaced. Castiel had tried everything he could think of to remember who had caused that light to break through the smoky black of hell. He tries to sleep, in hopes that another dream will bring a new memory but each one is more unhelpful than the last.
One day he walks by a billboard with a phone number splashed across it and it sparks something inside him. A series of numbers flash across behind his eyes, 5196660586, no that's not right, 8665015960, no, no that's still wrong. He sits next to an old muddy stream that day, his finger digs into the dirt and writes hundreds of combinations hoping that one might suddenly jump out as the one he needs. The moon is already past its prime when he hears a sigh and the voice pipes in. Perhaps you could find a better way to do this.
"I think I almost have it," Castiel nods to himself. He has mud caked up to his elbows, on his shoes, his clothes, smears of it across his face. An hour ago a group of teenagers chose to cross the dirty stream instead of walking anywhere near him.
I know I said you needed to do this on your own, the voice sighs, but I am starting to get a little bored.
"I am trying my best," Castiel grumbles.
Perhaps I could point you in the right direction.
"Oh, now you'd like to help?"
You remember how you escaped those hairless apes at the church? Castiel nods. Well, let's start with that.
Castiel sighs and closes his eyes, he tries to picture where he wants to go but he can't find that place. He can imagine the fiery pit from his dreams, though he hardly wants to go there. Instead he tries to focus on the light he saw there and the gentle pull he felt towards it. Even that seems to be a useless endeavor and Castiel frowns. "This is pointless."
Something splatters against his cheek and in the split second it takes him to open his eyes he's already soaked with the torrential downpour of rain. He finds himself in dark parking lot, unfortunately still in a muddy puddle, but he can instantly feel the tug in the bottom of his heart.
Not quite there, little one.
"Where am I?" Castiel grimaces. He climbs to his feet and tries to scrape off some of the dirt encrusted against his skin. The voice doesn't answer him and Castiel spins in slow circles trying to decide where to go next. The harsh glow of the overhanging sign tells him that he's at a Motel 6 and when he looks at the row of rooms all lined together he just seems to know he's close to whatever he's supposed to find. Still there are a lot of rooms and he doubts each one would open for him.
While people dart from their car doors to their rooms with newspapers and coats acting as subpar cover from the rain, Castiel walks slowly between the cars, trying to decide which door he should try. It all seems like a hopeless endeavor until he spots an oversized, black car near the very back of the parking lot. Running his fingers over the shiny metal of the trunk he felt a jolt of recognition, something too small to place but it was definitely something he had seen before. He turned to the right and looked at the door with 86 hammered against the pale yellow paint.
Looks like you found him, Castiel can feel the amusement in the other man's voice. And it only took you a few months of wandering the country to do it.
Castiel hesitantly steps towards the hallowed door, behind it was the missing piece of himself and he was so close to it that everything seemed a little unreal. At the same time it created a sickening feeling in the pit of his stomach. What if wasn't what he wanted? What if it didn't fix him? Worse yet, what if it was exactly what he needed but Castiel had fallen so far that he was now unrecognizable.
Oh, don't be such a drama queen. The voice chastises. Castiel's jaw clenches and he stands in front of the door, building up the nerve to find out what was behind it. Perhaps you could try knocking?
Castiel raises a shaky hand and gently raps on the rough wood. He stands silently waiting as the seconds stretch out and he is about to try knocking again when the door swings open.
"Yeah, what-" the man cuts himself off when he sees Castiel standing, dirty and wet, in his door way.
Castiel opens his mouth to say something but his mind draws a blank, there are a thousand things he could say but they all seem lacking. Yet he instantly knows he picked the right door. He feels a piece of his grace spark with the sight of this man and his mind lights up with a memory. He's back in the pit he dreamed of, it's hot and dark and there's red everywhere, all he sees is a flash of green eyes before the blue of his grace drowns out all the vile things around them. It lasts a mere second but it cements that this is it, the man in front of him is what he's been looking for.
"Who is it Dean?" Someone calls out from behind the green-eyed man.
"Cas…" Dean breaths. Castiel's head tilts to the side as he studies the man in front of him. He's taller than Castiel, green eyes and stubble on his jaw. Dean looks surprised to see him, even a little spooked but under all that he just looks tired. There are lines on his face that shouldn't be there, Castiel thinks he's too young for them, and bags under his eyes.
Another man comes up behind Dean, he's taller, with darker skin and he looks just as worn out as Dean does. His eyes are different, even though they both have the same tired look to them, his eyes still seem to hold a brightness that Dean's just don't anymore. The taller one pushes past Dean when he sees Castiel, clearly just as shocked to see him as Dean was. "Castiel."
It clicks who they're talking about. "Oh, that's me."
"What?" Dean asks trying to shove Sam back so he can get closer.
"I am Cas." He nods to himself. The two men stare at him and it makes him doubt the connection he made. "Aren't I?"