I own no one but my own people

"Oh FUCK!" Lewis groaned as he emptied inside of Olivia once more throwing back his head and arching his back. He collapsed on top of her, gasping and panting for breath, his meth which was keeping him awake and going strong long gone.

He glanced down at Olivia and smirked when she saw her eyes were fluttering open and closed mumbling something he could barely understand.

"What was that, Sweetheart?" he asked with a tired smile. "I wore you out?"

Olivia muttered something unintelligent and Lewis chuckled as he pulled out of her and laid down beside her. He leaned in and began nipping her ear. "this was fun," he whispered softly. "Best nineteen hours of my life."

"Br-..." she mumbled, far too out of it to have any reaction to what he was saying or doing to her. "Br- Bri... Bri..."

"Shh, Sweetheart," he muttered moving a stray piece of hair from her face. "It's over. Just relax knowing you could easily be dead before someone finds you and it's gonna be your own friends and colleagues investigating what happened to you."

He expected his words to get a reaction out of her but she didn't even flinch. All she did was mutter the same syllable over and over; 'Bri'.

Lewis chuckled as he stood up from her bed and pulled on his clothes next to the bed. He was done with her. It was no fun when they didn't scream anymore.

He sat down beside her as he pulled on his shoes before he turned towards her again and offered her a smile. "Thanks for the night, Detective. I had a blast." He leaned down and kissed her on the lips before he turned and left the bedroom, leaving her bound to the bed with no means of escaping.

"Bri," she muttered as her eyes flicked open and shut several more times before they finally closed with her body going limp, her breath and heart beat all but stilled...

6 Days Earlier

"So what'd you and Cassidy get into a fight about?"

Olivia all but choked on her water as she looked up from her food and stared wide eyed and open mouth at Amanda who slowly drank her Iced Tea with a smirk. "How do you know we got into a fight?"

Amanda shrugged as she took a bite of her salad. "Rumors," she informed Olivia once she had swallowed. "I heard that you actually left someone mid orgasm to tend to a victim. No way you'd be late for court because of sex."

"Who the hell told you that?" Olivia demanded.

"Munch," answered Amanda.

Olivia rolled her eyes as she took a bite from her cheeseburger. "That's not true at all, I've never left a guy right during sex for the job. Right before and right after yes, but not during."

"He didn't say it was a guy, he said it was a girl," she clarified. "Some blonde lawyer. I think he said her name was Alex? I mean I don't care," Amanda told her as she saw Olivia's eyes grew wide. "You feel somethin' for women the same you do men, that's your business and yours alone."

Olivia shook her head in disbelief before she looked Amanda dead in the eyes to make sure the younger Detective knew she was telling the truth. "Me and Alex have never slept together, I've never slept with a woman in my life, and I've never left anyone, man or woman, in the middle of sex to tend to a victim." Olivia picked her head up and looked over at Rollins who appeared a little embarrassed for revealing the rumors to her. "You gotta stop listening to everything Munch tells you. One time he had half the precinct convinced I was pregnant with his kid while I was undercover in Oregon."

Amanda chuckled softly and nodded, taking another sip of tea for measure. "I'll keep that in mind. But I noticed you never denied the Cassidy rumor. You two get into it?"

"I thought this lunch was supposed to be making you feel better about Lewis? Isn't that why I'm paying?"

"It was, I do, yes, and thank you. But that still don't answer my question."

Olivia sighed as she took a sip of her water, contemplating her choices.

She not only liked Amanda but she trusted her. She really did. It was nice having another woman around who wasn't making six figures who she could just talk with about things she couldn't talk to Munch or Fin or Amaro about.

But at the same time Olivia couldn't even fully understand herself the reason for the current fight she was having with Brian. How would Amanda be able to manage it?

You could always use a fresh perspective, Olivia told herself with another sip of water, ignoring Amanda's anxious look until the veteran glanced up at her. "You really wanna know?"

Amanda nodded and leaned in closer like a high school student about to receive an interesting piece of gossip. "The other night," Olivia began with a sigh. "He... He told me he loved me."

Amanda's eyes widened as she looked over Olivia's face. "Oh wow. Um... I'd say congratulations but judging by the look on your face I'm assuming he didn't get a similar response?"

"He got a thank you and an apology."

Amanda hissed as if she's been burned. "Ouch."

"Yeah. I mean we talked later that night and I told him I've only said to two people in my life and both of them broke my heart."

"Your old partner."

"Once again, don't listen to Munch," Olivia chastised. "It was my high-school boyfriend and his company transferred him to another state and my fiancee."

Amanda narrowed her eyes in confusion. "Wait your high school boyfriend and he was transferred for his job?"

"He was... older," Olivia explained.

"How old?"

"About as old as you are now but I could not have loved him more," Olivia told her with a slight edge in her voice that made the blonde detective cower under her look. "My fiancee was a whole other story but the point is both of them hurt me after I told them I loved them and I'm... not comfortable with the idea that I tell Brian how I feel only to have him get up and leave. I told Brian this and now he thinks I don't trust him and this whole relationship is just fun and games for me and neither one of them is true," she clarified for Amanda. Olivia sighed and shook her head. "I just don't wanna get hurt again."

Amanda took a long sip of her tea before she put it down, carefully thinking of her words before she spoke. "I know you ain't gonna like this but it sounds to me like Brian has a point, now hear me out!" she said quickly as Olivia opened her mouth to argue. "I was in my last year of school and I started dating this guy. Real good ol' boy mechanic. I mean our first date was deer hunting. We dated about four months, I told him I loved him. He told me 'Okay'. I don't think nothing in the world hurt more then telling him I felt that strongly for him and trusted him with my heart but he didn't care enough about me to tell me."

"But that's not my situation though."

"It doesn't matter. You let your heart open that much and the other person shoots it down? It don't matter the reason, you think it's your fault."

Olivia sighed as she rubbed her temples. "But I DO care about him. A lot. I just... I don't wanna get hurt again."

"Okay you don't wanna get hurt. But imagine how much it hurt Brian to open his heart up to you and you spat on it because you were selfish. YOU don't wanna get hurt, YOU don't want your heart broken, YOU wanna be saved the heartache by not saying it back to him. But what about him?"

Olivia opened her mouth to argue with the blonde but closed it after she realized Amanda was right.

It wasn't fair to Brian. He had trusted her in a way she wouldn't and he had been hurt too. Why did Olivia get to cop out by claiming she was hurt when Brian had been just as hurt?

Olivia sighed as she leaned back in her chair while Amanda looked on with a smirk. "Shut up," she told the grinning blonde as she took another bite of her burger.

"Sure thing, Liv." Amanda stabbed the last few pieces of her salad as Olivia finished off her burger.

"You ready to go?" asked Olivia when both women had finished their meal. Amanda nodded as she downed the last few sips of her tea.

After Olivia paid the bill, they drove back to the precinct where they found their respectable partners working diligently on their computers.

"Anything?" Olivia asked Amaro as she approached the two adjoining desks.

"Not a thing," said Amaro not looking up from their screens. "Just looking for anything on Lewis. Lewis take the deal?"

"He wants to go to trial," Olivia said dryly as she threw her coat over the back of her chair. "And got off ROR."

"Are you kidding me?" Amaro exclaimed, his and Fin's eyes going wide. "He wouldn't take the deal?"

Olivia shook her head. "He's hiding something. He's gotta be."

"Whatever it is he's good at hiding it. We haven't been able to find ANYTHING on this guy," Amaro sighed. "It's like he dropped out of the sky."

"Crawled up from the ground is more like it," Amanda muttered as she flopped down into her own chair.

"But when I say nothing I mean nothing. The social he gave us is a fake, no prior address, no DMV records, no nothing," Amaro continued with a shake of his head. "I don't understand this guy."

Olivia shake her head as she too began searching every database she could think of and emailing and calling every one of her contacts that could have been of any help but by the end of the day they had gotten nowhere.

"This guys a ghost," Amanda groaned, just as annoyed as the rest of the squad hours later. "There's nothing on him."

Amaro sighed as he leaned back in the chair, running a hand over his face. "This is insane," he groaned. "How the hell can someone have NO history?"

"Witness protection?" Amanda offered.

Olivia shook her head. "You take Witness Protection away from places like New York City, not put them in."

After the four sat there and debated several more scenarios, all more unlikely then the first, Olivia called it a day and to start fresh tomorrow, giving them all the hope that they had three good witnesses and Barba.

After Olivia let Cragen know that Lewis was going to trial and smirking over the fact her Captain appeared WAY too joyful over the prospect of letting Alice Parker know, and finishing up some paperwork and emails she had sent earlier in the day that might help them track down Lewis but ended up giving no help, she was the last to head home, not getting home until after midnight after Cragen..

Olivia walked up her four flights of stairs, dreading waking up in five hours, and saw something sitting at her doorway. She approached it with caution until she got close enough to recognize it.

A dozen roses with etiquette scroll written on the heavy white paper pinned to one of the stems. Still eying it carefully, she picked up the paper and read the message, her heart melting and a smile growing on her lips as she did;

"I can see it in your eyes that you despise the same old lines you heard the night before and though it's just a line to you for me it's true and never seemed so right before. I practice every day to find some clever lines to say, to make the meaning come through but then I think I'll wait until the evening
gets late and I'm alone with you. The time is right, your perfume fills my head, the stars get red and the night's so blue and then I go and spoil it all by saying something stupid like 'I love you'. Liv; sorry for saying something stupid. Call me when you get a chance. Like a lot, Brian."

Olivia's smile fell as the lyrics and his words sank in. He was apologizing for something she should have been. It wasn't his fault; he didn't know she had such an issue with those three little words.

Olivia looked at her watch and considered calling him now, knowing he would be awake until at least three AM even if he had to to be up at seven.

But at the same time she could barely keep her eyes open after staying awake for almost nineteen hours straight.

'I'll call him tomorrow' Olivia thought as she unlocked her apartment, bringing her flowers into her apartment and locking the door behind her. Olivia put the flowers into a vase and set the letter next to her favorite picture of her and Brian, him embracing her on the beach both with smiles on their faces.

The detective smiled down at the photo of the two, reading over the letter once more before heading to bed with a smile.

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