[Longest chapter. :) ]
….:::::VERSE FIVE:::::….
'Such Simple Words Would Ruin It.'
[GUMI realizes she cannot live without the Vocaloids as GAKUPO realizes he cannot live without GUMI.]
-'Can you see
My eyes are shining bright
'Cause I'm out here
On the other side
Of a jet black hotel mirror
And I'm so weak
Is it hard understanding
I'm incomplete
A love that's so demanding
I get weak.-'
Gumi had a plan. A tentative plan, but a plan, nonetheless. She was going back to her hometown, an eight-hour trip, back to the only family she had left, her brother, Mugi.
She hadn't exactly called first.
In fact, she hadn't talked to her brother since before Vocaloid. It'd been nearly seven years now, since they'd even spoken.
But family was family. And if she demonstrated how much she needed him, and how she had nowhere else to go, she was sure he would let her stay, at least a while. She needed somewhere to go that nobody could find her. She needed somewhere she could stay all day and night, if she needed to. She needed somewhere to hide out from all the people with cameras.
She wished cameras had never been invented.
After she was safely on the interstate, she reached down and turned the radio on, to her favorite pop station.
'Home', by Daughtry, was playing.
Gumi… Gumi no longer had a home. Mugi's house would be her home for a while, but she couldn't stay there forever.
She wondered where she would go from here. Where could she go from here? Would she ever be able to get a job after all this? Could she walk into a mall and buy clothes in peace? Or go grocery shopping, without someone trying to snap a picture of her?
And what about friends? Who would want to be her friend now? Now that she had nothing, was nobody. Now that she'd thrown it all away.
She was snapped out of her thoughts by a car getting on the interstate cutting her off, almost making her slam into the back of him.
She didn't even see him coming.
'I better focus. Or I won't need a job or friends. I'll be dead. Then again… That wouldn't be so bad—No. I can't let myself go there.'
….:::::….
She pulled up to the house she remembered visiting a few times in high school.
'531 – Megpoid' read the mailbox.
She was a little nervous. Last time she had been here was the last day she talked to her big brother.
It was the week after she graduated.
The day after her mother killed herself.
And they had fought, blaming each other for what their mother had done, when the real reason was their father's death, after a long fight with cancer.
She had said 'I never want to see you again'.
He had returned her feelings.
Gumi had driven off, in her dad's old pickup truck, to Gakupo's house. A month later was their audition. They were both accepted, and the rest was history.
Mugi never tried to contact her, though he easily could have, and she never tried to contact him either, though she easily could have as well.
This was it.
She put the car in park and turned it off.
Nervously, she walked up to the door, and knocked.
Inside, a dog instantly started barking.
She winced. She'd always been afraid of dogs.
"Just a minute!" She recognized her brother's voice instantly.
She waited, her heart racing. Surely, after all these years, he would have forgiven her, right?
After two or three minutes, he opened the door.
He looked pretty shocked.
"Gumi?" It was not hostile, nor welcoming. Just… Confused. As if he was looking for the hidden camera, looking for the prank.
"Hi." She said, for a lack of anything better to say. She smiled.
"What's going on? Why are you here after all this time?"
Well, he was getting right to the point.
"I quit Vocaloid." She answered, the words still feeling a little weird in her mouth, almost sharp on her tongue.
"Alright. Cause of what you and your boyfriend did?"
"He's… He's not my boyfriend. But, yeah. That's right."
"So that still doesn't answer my question. Why are you here?"
"I need—"
A small dark-haired child, maybe five or six years old, ran up behind Mugi. "Daddy!" She yelled, "Daddy, Daddy! Ryan won't give me back my crayons back! Make him give them back!" She whined, clinging to his leg.
"Honey, I'm very busy right now, okay?" He told her, sweetly, putting a hand on her head. "Where's Mom?"
"I dunno."
"Well, just hold on. I'll be there in a minute. This is very important, okay?"
"Okay." She sulked off.
"You were saying?" He addressed Gumi once again, his voice immediately turning harsh and unwelcoming.
"I need a place to stay. Just… Just for a little while. Until I can get things sorted out, and get my own house."
He stared at her, as if he was waiting for something more.
"Please?"
"Are you kidding? No way!"
"Huh?"
"Gumi, you haven't even bothered to talk to me in six and a half years. Everything I know about you, I've learned from interviews. I don't know you any better than any other person in the country. Not to mention, there's no room in my house. I've got a wife now. And two kids. I don't have time, space, or the energy to deal with you and your problems. And I don't want interviewers knocking on my door once they find out where you are. And they will find out."
"Mugi, I have nowhere else to go! And it's only for a little while! I won't be here long. You won't even know I'm here."
"Like hell I won't." He snapped, leaning in close, speaking softly, so nobody else would hear him. "You're the most overdramatic, impulsive, self-centered person I know. You always were, growing up, and you haven't changed."
She looked up at him, hurt. "I'm sorry." She said.
"You should be. But I'm still not letting you move in. I'm not going to let you set such a bad example for my children, or do anything to keep them from having a normal life. And look, you had your chance, years ago, to apologize to me. And the fact that you only came back here because you need something from me really tells me that you never intended to."
"You could have apologized to me, you know. You could have called me, sent me a letter, an email, anything. Why didn't you?"
"Because my life is just fine without you. Just because you happen to be related to me, doesn't mean I'm obligated to love you."
"Alright…" Gumi gave in. "Alright. I'll go. Sorry for coming here."
"You should be." He shut the door.
….:::::….
In the empty parking lot of an abandoned restaurant, Gumi gave herself a new identity. With the right amount of makeup in the right places, a stringy blonde wig, and some thrift-store quality clothes, she didn't even look like herself.
She drove and kept driving, until she came to a tiny town, with a cheap hotel right off the interstate.
There, she checked in under an alias, paying upfront with cash, insisting she had no credit card.
The man at the counter stared and stared at her.
"Do I… Know you from somewhere?"
Gumi shrugged, seeming nonchalant, but feeling like she was having a mini heart attack. "Dunno. I've never seen youbefore." It was, indeed, the truth.
He stared a moment longer, before shaking his head dismissively. "Of course. Sorry. Enjoy your stay."
He handed her a key, and she took it and hurried to her first-floor room.
She shut the door behind her and collapsed onto the bed.
'Now what? Mugi was the only plan I had. I thought for sure it'd be okay to stay there. Now I really have to start over, all alone. All by myself. In a new place. A new town. Where I know nothing and nobody.'
That was kind of a big deal. She had always known someone. She had gone straight from high school to Vocaloid. She had never known complete aloneness. She'd always had someone.
More specifically…
She'd always had Gakupo.
And even if being lonely was okay, she had to get a job somewhere. She had to buy a house. She'd never bought a house before. And she'd never done anything but sing. Nothing else seemed right. What was she supposed to look for in a house? In a job? What could she do with her life, now that music was no longer a part of it?
….:::::….
Back at the Vocaloid house…
Gakupo sat at the kitchen table, poking at a bowl of vegetable soup. Deliberately, he picked out all the carrots and ate them first.
The soup looked so boring without their bright color.
He stirred it, disinterestedly.
Luka snagged the chair beside him, looking as concerned as one can while eating a bowl of raspberries.
He didn't acknowledge her.
She didn't take the hint.
"How are you feeling, honey?"
He looked up at her, eyes slightly squinted. He looked as if he hadn't slept or smiled in days. He had no intention of answering.
"You can talk about it. It's okay. She hurt you, I know. I mean, she kinda screwed up your career, and then just left, without even doing anything about it. I understand, you know?"
He pushed back his chair, got up, and poured the rest of the soup in the sink.
He left the room.
….:::::….
-TWO WEEKS LATER-
-NEW TEXT MSG-
10:30 PM
RIN KAGAMINE
Gumi, where are you? Why haven't you answered? We're worried about you. You don't have to come back, but at least let us know you're okay.
-NEW TEXT MSG-
10:45 PM
MIKU HATSUNE
I know you haven't been writing anyone else back, and I know you have your reasons, but I miss you, Gumi. I worry about you. Please talk to me.
NEW TEXT MSG
10:55 PM
PIKO UTATANE
Gumi. I've always looked up to you as a big sister. I miss you. I know you're gone, and you're sad, and stuff. But I miss my sister. Please say something back. Anything?
Gumi pulled the blankets up, so they were at her neck. She turned on her side, staring at the bright red numbers of the bedside clock.
The room was freezing cold, but the white and gold hotel blankets were clean and soft and warm. All the lights were out, and the curtains drawn, so the room was pitch black. It had been a long day. A long day of hearing again and again that nobody wanted to hire a twenty-something with green hair, no college degree, and no job experience.
She couldn't sleep. Between worrying about everything she had to do, and checking her phone every time she got a new message, she was wide awake.
The truth was, she was waiting for one person, and one person only. She just wanted to know that he was at least thinking of her.
She mentally debated with herself. She swore that she would leave everything from her old life behind. And to do that, she had to forget all of them. She had to forget him.
But just hearing his voice one more time wouldn't be so bad. Just one more hit, then she would quit for good.
No!
She had to stay strong. She couldn't go back, she couldn't. This was a new start, a new life for her. If she gave in on this, she might give in on something else, and then she'd eventually end up right back where she started.
…
…
But, then again, it was only Gakupo. He wasn't even trying to convince her to come back. He wouldn't try to convince her to do anything she didn't want to. Of course.
But why would he even text her, or call her? What was the point of stressing out about all this anyway?
She watched the clock change from 11:02 to 11:03.
…..::::::…..
He watched the clock change from 11:02 to 11:03.
He was worried sick.
He hadn't slept since the day she left, just laid there, for hours at night, feeling as if life had cheated him, but that life had cheated her even more. She'd only screwed up once, just that once.
He hadn't been himself for days, and he knew it, and everyone else knew it.
He was dying to talk to Gumi, but he knew she wouldn't answer, and he just couldn't deal with that.
She hadn't answered anyone else's texts or phone calls.
He hadn't tried to call her.
He hadn't been able to think of anything but her. She could be anywhere, doing anything. With the kind of money she had, she could easily have left the country, could be halfway across the world. She might have a new place already, a new job, a new life.
But she might not.
She might come back. She might be miserable. She might not know what to do without Vocaloid. She might be lonely and empty and scared. And he was just sitting here, doing nothing about it, not comforting her, not offering her a place back where she belonged, nothing.
He sincerely hoped that the former was the case and not the latter. He knew that coming back for her would mean accepting defeat. He knew she would do everything in her power to make a new life, away from Vocaloid, away from him.
He knew it, he knew that she would be better off alone, but God, did he miss her. It was a selfish emotion, he knew, but it was one he could not, for the life of him, stifle.
If only he could talk to her, one more time, to make sure she was doing okay. Then he could stop. Then he could leave her alone, stop thinking about her. He just had to know she was alright. It had always been his job to take care of her. And now, without the job he had had all his life, he felt… Empty. Useless.
Before he realized what he was doing, he was picking up his phone, dialing her number. He just had to, whether it was right or wrong.
…..::::::…..
11:06.
Gumi's phone buzzed, drenching the room in cold white light.
She looked at the caller. She did not answer it.
She sat up in bed, hands clasped tight together, physically restraining herself from answering the phone call.
She got out of bed. She ran. She locked herself in the bathroom.
She could not give in. She wouldnot give in.
She flipped on the light. She stared at her reflection. She saw messy green hair. She saw eyes ringed in black, due to the makeup she hadn't quite removed. She saw hands, nails bit down to the quick from stress. She saw her favorite old pair of pajamas, the ones with the eggplants, that Gakupo had gotten her as a joke. She saw Gumi, but she did not see herself. She saw a shell of all that used to be, but she did not see what now was. Because now she was nothing, she was no one.
She saw tears streaming down Gumi's face, heard a sob escape Gumi's throat, but she was not Gumi. She saw Gumi's eyes grow wide, saw Gumi's hands clench into fists. She saw Gumi reach out and strike the mirror, but she did not feel the pain of the glass shattering against her knuckles. She watched Gumi ram her fists against the glass repeatedly, until there was nothing left but shattered remains on the counter, and a big black square where the mirror had been. She saw the blood running down her own hands. But she felt nothing. She felt nothing but the relief of not having to see Gumi any longer. She was laughing, crying, hysterically, it was all the same.
She slid down onto her knees, laughing, laughing, then laughing no longer. Only crying. She cried openly, like she needed to, like she had needed to since the incident with Gack had started, since that drunk night that had careened out of control. She cried until her breathing slowed, cried until she realized what she had just done.
She had vandalized a hotel room. Because she couldn't bear to look at herself.
How do you explain that?
She couldn't live like this.
She had to go back.
She stumbled out of the bathroom and back to her bedside table. She picked up her phone, and stumbled back to the scene of her crime.
The matter was as simple as hitting 'call' twice.
Gakupo answered after only one ring. He had been waiting. "Hello?" He answered, his voice expectant, excited.
In that moment, his voice was the most beautiful thing to ever grace her ears.
The shower of broken glass glittered beneath her feet. She could not speak. She only wanted to hear him speak again, hear him say her name, hear him say that everything was all right.
"Gumi? … … Are you there? Are you okay?"
Gumi reached out and touched the black square where the mirror used to be.
The mirror was her life, wrecked by her own hands. Only Gakupo, with his loving touch, with a patient, everlasting strength that she did not possess, could fix it.
She sobbed, outright and honest.
"I'm so weak…" She whispered, that breathy, whiny, emotional whisper of trying to cry and speak at the same time.
She heard Gakupo gasp softly, on the other line.
"Where are you?" He asked. "I'm on my way now."
Shakily, she managed to relay the name of the city she was in, the name of the hotel she was staying at, and her room number.
There was silence after that. Both of their minds screamed 'I love you', but the two knew that it was too serious to say. Such simple words would ruin it.
So not another word was said before Gakupo hung up.
….:::::VERSE FIVE END:::::….