Chapter V: Hat Chat
"-details."
The Doctor stumbled and blinked rapidly; the dungeon had, without warning, vanished. He was now being held by two Raston Sentries facing the opposite direction, just behind his back. The Doctor has suddenly found himself in the middle of the throne room of Card Castle.
He looked up and smiled at the two Cards.
"Oh! Hello, lads! Anybody for blackjack?"
The robots did not reply.
"Oh, I forgot: no voice box. How very dull."
The Card Guards suddenly released him, pushing him at the same time. The Doctor tumbled onto his back on the floor.
"Very good," came a voice from behind him. "Guards, you are dismissed. I'll call when I need you again."
Quick as a wink, the Rastons were gone.
The Doctor stood up and brushed himself off, as casual as a lounge chair.
"Well, well!" the voice said again. "It has been a while, hasn't it, Doctor?"
The Doctor turned at last to face his opponent. The Mad Hatter was sprawled lazily across the throne. His hat, with the crown circling it, tipped back slightly on his head. His legs crossed and stretched over one armrest as he rhythmically smacked the scepter of Wonderland in his hands like a club or a bat. The Hatter smiled, almost gently, at this rival Time Lord.
The Doctor blinked mildly, pausing, before turning away again, brushing off his hat.
"It has, indeed," he said. "You should teach your henchmen more manners: I was in the middle of a conversation when they picked me up, you know..."
"I noticed," the Hatter observed. The Hatter then reached behind him, where a tea tray sat, taking up his cup and sipping from it. He licked his lips as he finished his sip, right before turning his mismatched eyes back on the Doctor.
"Speaking of manners," he piped up, "Would you like a cup of tea?"
The Doctor smiled and shook his head, replacing his hat.
"No, thank you."
"Hm. Suit yourself," the Hatter shrugged, and took another drink before putting the cup back. "So, tell me, how have you been?"
"Oh, quite well, all things considered...losing my spoons, being dragged mid-flight by your Rrrabbit Hole, being imprisoned in a dungeon, et cetera, et cetera. However, something tells me you didn't have me brought here merely to exchange pleasantries...particularly since I don't see your rrrambuctious little thugs with you."
"Who? March and Dorma? Ah, they are not 'thugs,' Doctor...they are the only creatures I have ever known that I could really call friends. But, yes, I had them leave...for the time being."
The Hatter giggled maniacally.
"Ohh, Time...such an interesting word...dear Time."
"I quite agree."
"Yes, but anyway, Doctor, can't a Hatter just summon an old friend for some chit-chat?"
The Doctor frowned.
"We are not friends. We were never friends, Hatta."
The Mad Hatter smirked, eyes blazing—a mismatched look on a mismatched face.
"You know better."
Then, almost immediately after, Hatter sighed in mock-sorrow, clapping the back of his hand to his forehead dramatically.
"Still, alas, you seem to have seen through my clever ploy!" he said. He laughed hysterically before sitting upright and clapping his hands together. Hatta grinned as he leaned forward eagerly. "Go ahead, Doctor: guess why!"
"I prrresume that you intend to gloat—with me, your mortal enemy, standing powerless before you—all as your heinous plan unfurls?"
"Prrrecisely!" the Hatter said, mimicking his foe.
The Doctor rolled his eyes.
"Ah, typical. You megalomaniacs are all alike, with your sick sense of humor. Like spoiled toddlers, you toy with the lives of innocents as if they were simply playthings to be broken, and obsess over things you can never have..."
"Yet here I sit, on the throne of the Madhouse, closer than ever before to ACHIEVING that goal!" the Hatter leered, spreading his hands out as he spoke. "The Jabberwock approaches: the day the most senior of our...er...citizens declared would one day come to pass is, at long last, coming true! It's like a sunny sort of dream!"
"More like a grim, moonlit nightmare..."
"Oh, don't be so pessimistic, Doctor!" the Hatter snapped, standing as he spoke. His grin turned into a pout for the briefest of moments, before his green and blue eyes lit up and the smile returned. "Picture it: everybody entrapped and ensnared in this planetary asylum free! Off to have grand little adventures as they break the temporal chains that bind them...and me, at the head of the metaphorical pack, commanding them all and setting their tricks, like a universal ringmaster!"
"Yes, thus opening a Pandora's Box of violence, vengeance, and villainy," the Doctor retorted. "Hatta, don't you see?! I brought you here for a reason! You were a danger then, and you are even more dangerous now. I cannot possibly allow you to escape, the madman who is like so many on this planet: a lost cause of malicious intent and dark desires that will never be realized!"
"SAVE IT!" spat the Hatter. Suddenly, he threw his teacup towards his prisoner, which the Doctor easily sidestepped. The Doctor smirked up at the lunatic Time Lord.
"You can't accept it all, can you?"
"Oh, be quiet," Hatter sneered. "Don't pretend like you're not one of us. Come on, Doctor. Do you remember those old tales, ancient myths spoken only in whispers of Salyavin, the one who defied everything the Time Lords stood for? Tell me when you left Gallifrey, you weren't thinking what I thought: where was the fun in staying there?"
The Doctor glowered and moved closer.
"You have forgotten who you're talking to, Hatta..."
"Wrong, Doctor!" the Hatter countered as he began to descend the stairs of the throne. He pointed and gestured wildly as he spoke, his voice growing frenzied and discordant. "I know exactly who I'm talking to; I simply do not care! And did you care? Surrounded by bickering old idiots, doddering around and doing nothing truly substantial with their own lives, unless, of course, you count endless arguing and pointless conversations held in those bloody bingo halls they called meeting places? Did you not see the High Council as I did, and still do? When you defied their rules, and decided to go fluttering about between galaxies in that blasted blue box, why did you do it? Was it not for the reasons I wanted to go: a chance to make the universe, and all universes, as you saw them, a bit more...shall we say, exciting? No...interesting? No, no...fulfilling! That's the word, yes! A chance to fill some sort of gap within your soul—if one even exists—and make things better! More fun, and wonderful, and utterly perfect!"
The Hatter and the Doctor were inches apart. The Mad Hatter paused, then, suddenly, grabbed the Doctor's shoulders. The other Gallifreyan wore a perfect poker face over Hatter's wild, manic, and oddly hopeful grin.
"Don't you see?! We're exactly the same!"
"You wanted to destroy the universe..."
"Nay, Doctor! Not 'destroy!' 'Reinvent!' Something you do nearly on a daily basis, I understand! Granted, I'll admit, being...cooped up as I am, I can't be certain of how intentional you make it...but that's another tale altogether. Doctor...deep down, you and I are not so different after all! We just view things from different angles: you see black, I see white! You go left, I go right!"
"That makes us antonyms, not synonyms!" the Doctor shouted, and abruptly shoved the Hatter back.
"Pish-posh!" the Hatter said, waving a hand dismissively. "A mere matter of language! I'm talking people here, old friend, not words!"
There was silence for a moment. The Doctor watched the Hatter warily, with his fist wrapped tightly around his umbrella. The Hatter stood, sweating and panting as if he had run a marathon. That huge, hopelessly insane smile still graced the madman's face.
After a moment, the Doctor suddenly flicked his wrist, and a black silk handkerchief appearing in his hand from his sleeve. He handed it to the Hatter, who took it gratefully and wiped his brow with it, then removed his hat and dropped the kerchief inside. He then smirked as he revealed the inside of his hat to the Doctor.
It was empty.
"Doctor," the Hatter began again, considerably more subdued, "I'm going to give you one chance now: why you continue to deny our similarities, I don't believe I'll ever know...but perhaps this chance can help you understand yourself."
"And what chance would that be, prrray tell?"
"Why, isn't it obvious? Join me! Me, the March Hare, the Dormouse, and all the rest of us weirdos whom our societies have scorned, like yourself!"
The Doctor snorted.
"You truly must be mad if you think I'll accept that offer."
"Well, of course I am! It sort of comes with the name." The maniac was suddenly a bundle of energy and optimism again. He flipped off his top hat, and bowed theatrically. "The Mad Hatter, King of Wonderland! And why not join his team, Time? Why not work for our cause; you sort of do already! Please, come with me! Together, we'll create a greater history, present, and future, and make our faint existence much brighter! A twinkling tea tray in the starry skies over every-!"
"And how do you plan to do that?" the Doctor interrupted, harshly, pointing with his umbrella. "By clogging up the Big Bang? By blowing up what might have once been a lively planet, just to see what color the explosion makes? By making yourself the emperor of time and space, then eliminating all of it with nothing but pesticide? By murdering, maiming, and stealing everything living creatures hold dear to their hearts? Giving the newly appointed office of monstrous monarch of madness to yourself, guns to infants, nuclear bombs to adolescents, war the title of peace, insanity the title of strength, Great Space Vampires the title of some chocolate cereal?!"
The Hatter's grin fell. His eyes narrowed. He stood quietly, straight and tall.
"I would rather die than join you, Hatta. You are insanity, and in and of itself, it is not a crime...it's the way it manifests that makes you a threat, not just to other Time Lords, but to all that exists! You would gladly snap and crush the whole of time and space into a twisted shell of what it is, make moons into sculptures of yourself, define the laws of physics to fit your twisted perception of how reality should be. And why? Because it was Saturday night, and you were bored! You tried it once before...and if I let you out, you'd do it again. The cosmos is in a certain place, Hatta...we can't change it, and if we tried..."
He trailed off.
The Mad Hatter looked the Doctor up and down. He sighed and returned to his throne. The gangly madman sat back down, drumming his fingers on the arm rests for a few seconds. He bit his lip before speaking.
"You are a fool, Doctor. And a hypocrite, as well. I really thought you were better than this: from the stories I hear, from the Cheshire Cat, and others...it sounded so marvelous. I honestly started to like you a little, despite all you did to me and to them..."
He growled like a rabid panther.
"But I see now I was mistaken: you're like all the rest of Gallifrey. Drab, stubborn, and bereft of any true imagination. To think a wretched human waif, vanished here and back home centuries—at least, I think it was centuries—ago, was more intriguing...sickens me."
He chuckled.
"Oh, well...it really doesn't matter. I've won already. You have brought me the key to my victory, and I thoroughly intend to use it."
Hatter leaned forward again, smiling wickedly.
"But not just yet: I want to savor things a little more. I've waited this long, so, I suppose I can wait a while longer...particularly if it means I might get to see you grovel before my feet. But I will tell you right now: it won't matter if you do."
He giggled madly.
"Do you know what I plan to do with you?"
"Ohh...let me guess: off with my head?"
"Nothing so simple. No...I intend to send you to the tea table eventually, along with your little pet. That is, of course, after I have taken your TARDIS, and set the rest of my fellow inmates go, before taking my own leave. I shall leave you two behind, to wait for ages and ages, where it is always six o'clock, with nothing but an infinity of sweets and tea to live on...until, someday, I remember that I left you here in the first place, and come back. At first it will all look the same in this golden sphere...but soon, you will see that it is darker each time you look at it, and then so much brighter than the time before, until you forget what it looks like entirely. Soon after, you will begin to lose all perception of time, with each second feeling like another eternity, all spent bathed in damnation. And, if, perchance, you have managed to survive that...then I will kill you. Slowly. And. PAINFULLY."
The Doctor glared at the Mad Hatter, but said nothing.
The Hatter sneered, and then snapped his fingers.
In a flash, the Cards reappeared.
"Guards, take Time-"
"Did you ever solve my riddle?"
The Hatter paused, tilting his head.
"Sorry, what was that?"
"'Why is a raven like a writing desk?' Did you ever figure it out?"
Hatter snarled.
"It is a mere, childish puzzle. Why is a partridge like a parasol? Why is crow like a cow-bell? Why is a bat like a tea tray? Why is a croquet mallet like a baton? There need not be an answer because there is no answer, treacherous Time!"
The Doctor smiled faintly, and shook his head.
"You're wrong, Mad Hatter. That will be your undoing. I'm warning you now...it's your move."
The Hatter tilted his head the other way, baffled...then his wicked smile returned.
"Very well. In that case..."
He cleared his throat.
"Guards!" he commanded again. "Take him back to the dungeon!"
And they did. They all disappeared as quickly as they came.
The Hatter stood still, and silent, for a moment, in the center of the room.
A chuckle bubbled in his chest.
"Marchy? Dorma?" he called, between giggles. "You can come back now..."
The door to the throne room opened, and the March Hare and Dormouse entered.
"Did your little meeting go well?" the Hare asked.
Hatter shook his head, still chuckling softly.
"No," he chortled. "Not really..."
"Oh...well, then, why are you laughing?"
In an instant, the soft chuckles changed into a shrieking, howling laugh that shook the whole of Card Castle. The March Hare jumped back in surprise, while the Dormouse, silent as ever, barely even flinched.
"IT DOESN'T MATTER!" the Mad Hatter screamed, head thrown back as he cackled. "THE LOOKING-GLASS IS MINE! WE'VE WON! HA HA HA HA HA HA HA...!"