The Lisatronic Misplacement Act I J. Franklin
THE LISATRONIC MISPLACEMENT
ACT I
Note: This story takes place shortly after "The Egg Salad Equivalency," S6 E12.
(SCENE: HOWARD'S lab. LEONARD is with him; SHELDON is in the doorway holding up his smartphone.)
SHELDON: I just got the message! Why are we at DefCon 5 again?
LEONARD: Howard's Lisatronic robot has gone missing.
SHELDON: (Puzzled) What?! That doesn't call for a DefCon 5 situation. DefCon 5 is peacetime. The scale escalates as the numerical value diminishes. (Ponders) If Howard's robot and her lady parts have gone missing, this is clearly more like at DefCon 3 – or even a two!
HOWARD: (Irritated) Sheldon…
SHELDON: What?! I'm just trying to help prevent misuse of the defense condition designation! We don't confuse yellow alert with red alert –
LEONARD: Sheldon! Please! We need to focus on Howard's problem right now.
SHELDON: (Shaking his head) Why? I don't see how Howard's missing robot qualifies as an emergency requiring any of our precious time! He built the woman with the animatronic breasts, let him lie with them!
HOWARD: (Angrily) I would, but in case you overlooked what we just tried to tell you, SHE IS MISSING!
SHELDON: (Pauses) Again, I don't understand. (Looks at LEONARD and HOWARD quizzically.) If your whole purpose for bringing us down here was to help you get rid of her; but she's ALREADY gone, then isn't that just the fulfillment of your original intention without any necessary effort on our part? Shouldn't you be glad rather than sad?
HOWARD: (Shakes his head) No way. My people learned long ago never to take it calmly whenever someone suddenly disappears…
SHELDON: Oh. (Pauses) Ohhh! I had no idea. I merely thought Lisa represented yet another of your failed attempts to satisfy the needs of your perverse libido!
LEONARD: She did.
SHELDON: Well, then why is he upset if she's missing?
HOWARD: (Unable to take it any longer) BECAUSE IF SHE IS MISSING SOMEONE ELSE MIGHT FIND HER!
SHELDON: (Quizzically to LEONARD) Once again, I still fail to see how this represents MY problem…
LEONARD: Sheldon –
HOWARD: (Cutting in) Okay, okay, OKAY! Let me see if I can put this into words the great Sheldon Cooper will understand –
SHELDON: Fine. (Pauses and crosses arms) Although if you'd done that first, it would have saved us from having this part of the conversation now…
HOWARD: (Leans in) Remember how Alex got you sent to the HR office for sexual harassment?
SHELDON: (Frowns) Yes…
HOWARD: And remember how you could have simply taken your punishment like a man but instead chose to drag ALL OF US down with you in your pathetic little tantrum that just about nearly got us all fired?
SHELDON: (Still frowning) Yes…
HOWARD: (Pauses for effect) Well, I'm prepared to do THE SAME THING RIGHT NOW if you don't help us find out where Lisa is! (Pats him on the shoulder) Got it?
SHELDON: (Frowns.) Oh. (Eyes widening) Oh! Oh, my God! That poor girl! We have to find her!
LEONARD: (Checking his watch) Yeah, and we better do it fast, too. The alumni dinner is scheduled to start in a couple of hours, and you know what Dr. Gablehauser told us last year…
SHELDON: (Quizzical) As I recall, he said we didn't have to attend any more alumni functions at all! (Pauses) In fact, I specifically remember him saying after we attended the last one, "Consider yourselves permanently excused from any future alumni gatherings!"
HOWARD: (To LEONARD) Let me take this one, too. I always enjoy shattering him with reality. (Turns to SHELDON) I think his EXACT words were, "I better not find any of you anywhere near any alumni functions in the future or I'm going to boot your sorry asses off this campus for good!"
SHELDON: (Blinks several times) Well, yes, I suppose if you wanted to include the original language he used that I was uncomfortable repeating…
HOWARD: Enough! Enough! Can you please just help us find Lisa?
LEONARD: (Quietly) And her six breasts.
SHELDON: What? Six breasts?! I always thought that was just simple bragging on Howard's part!
LEONARD: No, it was real. It was a feature Howard insisted on adding. She has six breasts (gestures awkwardly) – three across and…then…another row of…three underneath.
SHELDON: Well, that certainly seems rather superfluous. Why on earth would a robot have a need for so many mammaries?
LEONARD: Because he wanted to outdo the hooker from "Total Recall."
SHELDON: (Startled) The hooker from "Total Recall?" (Ponders) That movie was made over 20 years ago! Surely those things are sagging by now –
HOWARD: Enough! Enough! Let's just go find Koothrappali!
(Fade to: RAJ's office. The boys are walking in the door. HOWARD is talking.)
HOWARD: " – we just need to get Koothrappali to help us and we can find Lisa and – " (Sees animated mannequin-like robot head atop barber's cloth seated across from RAJ) OH, MY GOD!
RAJ: (Unfazed) Hi, guys! (Pauses and lowers his voice) Hey, I'm on a practice date now, so, can you come back later?"
HOWARD: WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH LISA?!
RAJ: (Confused) I just told you. I'm on a practice date!
LEONARD: A practice date?!
RAJ: Yes. I always have problems talking to women, so I thought I would borrow her for a practice date so I could get some experience. I even programmed my Siri phone to be her voice! Watch! (Turns back to LISA.) Lisa, what is your name?
LISA (in SIRI's voice): Hello. My. Name. Is. Lisa. (Pauses) Oh. Hot. Indian. Hunk. Of. Mine!
RAJ: (Embarrassed) Um. She may have gotten carried away with my programming...
HOWARD: (Mortified) Oh, my God! How could you do this?! I've been panicking for the last half hour about this! (Runs over to LISA)
RAJ: What? I just borrowed her for a while –
HOWARD: You BORROWED her?! Did it ever occur to you that that might cause me to have a heart attack?!
RAJ: (Innocently) Well, um…no!
HOWARD: (Incredulous) What do you mean, NO?!
RAJ: Well, I always figured if you had a heart attack, it would be because of what Sheldon always says about your diet of deli meats!
HOWARD: (Looking over LISA) Nevermind. Let's just get her back to the office and lock her back up, okay?
RAJ: We can't do that! I'm not finished with my date yet!
LEONARD: Actually, I think you are, Raj.
RAJ: What?! Why?!
SHELDON: (To LEONARD and HOWARD) Permit me to explain. (Turns to RAJ) Wolowitz and Hofstadter are convinced that if Lisa is found, Dr. Gablehauser will have us all thrown out of the university.
RAJ: Why?
LEONARD: Because tonight is the alumni dinner! In another couple of hours, this entire building is going to be crawling with rich academics who want to see what their donations are buying. And if they see this…(Gestures to LISA)…we may all be applying for full-time jobs down at the cafeteria!
RAJ: (Confused) I don't understand. (Turns to SHELDON) You told me Dr. Gablehauser said we never had to attend any more alumni events…
HOWARD: (Interrupting) Look, let's just TALK ABOUT THIS LATER, OKAY?! (Lifts sheet) Is the rest of her around here?
RAJ: Of course! I only set up the top! (Pauses) I wanted to look into her eyes that are like little dimple-dots of the purest ink!
LEONARD: (Pausing) Yeah, we ah, really have got to get you to start reading guy-books again…
HOWARD: (Checking under sheet) Well, where's the rest of her?!
RAJ: Oh, relax. The rest of her is over there –
(Cut to new camera angle: A steel cart in the foreground with the guys in the background. The cart is empty.)
RAJ: (In the same voice as LEONARD and HOWARD from the Prologue) Uh-oh.
HOWARD: (Horrified) What do you mean, uh-oh?! (Approaches camera) WHERE IS THE REST OF HER?!
(Camera angle returns to wide view)
RAJ: (Frightened) STOP SHOUTING AT ME! (HOWARD says nothing but immediately begins grappling with RAJ. LEONARD and SHELDON quickly break them apart.)
HOWARD: YOU LOST HER! YOU LOST LISA!
RAJ: I DIDN'T LOSE HER!
HOWARD: THEN WHERE IS SHE?!
RAJ: I DON'T KNOW! I ONLY WANTED HEAD FOR MY PRACTICE DATE!
SHELDON: (Smirking to LEONARD) Kind of gives new meaning to the term, doesn't it?
LEONARD: Sheldon! (Turns to RAJ and HOWARD) Guys! Guys! GUYS! C'mon! (Tries to break them apart)
HOWARD: (Still grappling) He's going to get us all fired!
RAJ: (Fighting back) No, I'm not!
HOWARD: How can you say that?!
RAJ: (Through clenched teeth) Simple. If this goes down, you're the only one who's getting fired! (They continue fighting.)
LEONARD: (Still trying to break them up) Guys, c'mon! This isn't helping!
HOWARD: I'm not interested in helping! I'm interested in hurting!
RAJ: Oh, really? (Mockingly) That's pretty tough talk from a man who had to build his own girlfriend!
HOWARD: (Retorting) Oh, this from the man who has to borrow that same girlfriend – BECAUSE HE CAN'T TALK TO REAL WOMEN!
(A cellphone rings)
LEONARD: Guys! GUYS! Hold on a second! (Answers phone) Hello? Oh, hi, Bernadette!
HOWARD: (Still grappling) Why is my wife calling your phone?
RAJ: (Likewise grappling) Maybe because she wants to talk to a real man instead of someone who is still fixated on his mother!
LEONARD: Guys! Guys! GUYS! She says she called because she already tried Howard's phone and got no answer!
(RAJ and HOWARD stop grappling)
HOWARD: (Quietly pats his pockets) Oh. Must have left my phone back in the lab!
LEONARD: Hold on. (Listens) Okay, I'll tell him. (Hangs up phone) She says that Penny is going to have to drive her over here tonight to help with the dinner because your car is in the shop.
HOWARD: What? Why is she helping with the dinner?
LEONARD: She said it has something to do with Dr. Gablehauser telling her (makes air quotations) "she needs to step in since her husband was such a donation killer last year."
HOWARD: Oh. (Pauses) Nice to know she has my back…
SHELDON: (Checking watch) Gentlemen? May I remind all of you that we are now at t-minus two hours and still have not found the missing robotic lady parts?
HOWARD: (To RAJ) Where did you last see her?
RAJ: (Exasperated) I told you! Right over there on the cart!
LEONARD: When did you bring her down here?
RAJ: Last night!
LEONARD: Okay, so the rest of her has to be around here somewhere.
SHELDON: What parts exactly are we missing?
HOWARD: (Quietly) Just the six breasts.
SHELDON: Six breasts?! What happened to the rest of her?!
HOWARD: (Quietly) There…really…wasn't…any rest of her!
LEONARD: Why not?
HOWARD: (Sheepish) I got a little…hung up after doing the breasts and all…
LEONARD: (Thinks for a moment) Was this last year when you told all of us you had tennis elbow?
HOWARD: (Meekly) Um…maybe…
RAJ: You know, I always wondered how you could get tennis elbow if we never saw you playing tennis…
HOWARD: (Exasperated) Look, can we just focus here?! We need to find the rest of Lisa –
SHELDON: You mean we need to find her missing breasts!
HOWARD: (Nods awkwardly) Well, yeah, I suppose if you want to put it bluntly…
LEONARD: (Face palms) I can't believe you're asking us to go on a treasure hunt for missing robotic boobs…
RAJ: Hey! Don't talk about Lisa like that! She's a lady!
LEONARD: Oh, come on! She's a robot!
RAJ: To you – to me, she's a beautiful, delicate flower!
LISA: (Coming back to life) Oh. Yes. Raj. That. Is. It. Give. It. To. Me. Harder. Baby! (The guys look at RAJ.)
RAJ: Hey, I never said my phone was a delicate flower…
HOWARD: (Taking control) Okay, look! (Pulls sheet over LISA) You guys get started – I'm going to disassemble Lisa and lock her back in storage. (He grabs the empty cart.)
RAJ: Hey! You can't do that! We haven't finished our date yet!
SHELDON: Actually, by our measure, you have. She's already talked dirty to you about things you haven't even done yet, so clearly she's just faking it.
RAJ: (Aghast) Faking it? But why would she do that?!
SHELDON: Good question. As a scientist, it's not as though you're made of money –
HOWARD: Guys! Please!
SHELDON: Oh, right.
LEONARD: (Checking watch) C'mon! We don't have much time! (They begin heading for the door.)
SHELDON: Where should we start?!
LEONARD: I don't know. You check Kripke's office, Raj and I will check around the rest of the department.
SHELDON: Why Kripke's office?
LEONARD: Because if there is anyone in this department more hard up than Raj and who has a bona fide (makes air quotations again) "bwest fettish," it would be Kripke…
SHELDON: Oh, good point…
(DISSOLVE TO: PENNY and BERNADETTE in PENNY's car on the way to campus.)
PENNY: (Disbelievingly) Tell me again why you're doing this.
BERNADETTE: (Prim and proper, as always) Because Dr. Gablehauser said they needed some help with the alumni dinner this evening!
PENNY: (Dubious) You're sure this has nothing to do with what happened last year at this thing?
BERNADETTE: (In denial) I don't know what you're talking about.
PENNY: (Shaking her head) Oh really? You mean, you don't remember Sheldon getting tipsy on too many glasses of wine and the president telling Howard and Raj had to take him someplace else before he mooned the faculty again?
BERNADETTE: I don't see what's so wrong about that!
PENNY: Bernadette, they LOCKED HIM IN THE MEDICAL RESEARCH LAB WITH THE CADAVERS!
BERNADETTE: (Becoming angry) Howie said THEY LOST THE KEY!
PENNY: (Shaking her head again) Whatever. (Pauses) The whole thing wouldn't have been so bad if Sheldon hadn't passed out on one of the gurneys down there. (Clenches jaw) That poor cleaning maid got the scare of her life the next morning when he woke up and started throat singing…
BERNADETTE: (Cocking her head) Was that what made the entire cleaning staff resign?
PENNY: (Sarcastically) I don't know – YA THINK? (Her phone rings) Oh, hang on…(She answers.) Hello?
BERNADETTE: Should you really be answering that while you're driving?
PENNY: Not to worry. I do this all the time. (A car horn sounds sharply. PENNY yanks the wheel back and yells out her window) Hey, UP YOURS TOO! (Turns back to her phone.) What's up? (Pauses) Yeah, she's right here with me. We're almost there! (Frowns) You want me to tell her WHAT?! (Pauses again) No, don't hang up, I –
BERNADETTE: (Becoming increasingly nervous) Your "check engine" light is still on!
PENNY: (Ignoring her) What?! No, I can't – hello? HELLOO?
BERNADETTE: What's wrong?
PENNY: (Putting phone down) You have the weirdest husband.
BERNADETTE: What makes you say that?
PENNY: I don't know. I think they did something in the medical lab again. All he said was he needed our help finding some missing breasts before the alumni dinner…
(Cut to: Commercial)