Author's Note: Sorry for the wait. This is pretty angsty too. Anyway, I know my chapter came as a shock but I couldn't help it. There's that dose of drama you wanted. Review for me please!
Oh and my deepest apologies to BigThaddyDaddy. You posted the song before me. I feel like such a copier. I need the angst… I am so sorry.
What if I wanted to break? Laugh it all, laugh in your face. What would you do?
Meredith replayed all of the fights she had with Derek in her mind. It was all so clear. Too clear. It was ironic. In the blink of an eye, Meredith could recall every bad moment she had experienced with Derek crystal clear. As if it happened a mere minutes ago. But the good times, the memories that brought a smile to her face, those were fuzzy. Blurred.
It was like she saw those through ice. Everything was distorted. Sure she would remember a kiss, a feeling but it wasn't in any sort of detail. She remembered every breakdown, every tear. Every damn miserable moment of her life was clear.
Damnit. Meredith cursed in her head over and over again. The scene replayed,
"ADDISON KNEW!" Derek's eyes filled with rage.
"Derek, please don't be mad," Meredith was pleading, pleading for him to calm down, for her to explain her feelings to him.
"What do you want me to do Meredith? Sad or maybe I should be jealous. Jealous that you told my ex-wife that cheated one me that you were pregnant but you couldn't take two damn seconds to tell me, the father!" Derek was sure as hell angry, his eyes blazed a deathly red shade. Meredith's breath quickened as she looked to her sides for an escape if Derek got too angry.
"I'm sorry! I just couldn't…"
Tears slipped down Meredith's cheeks. Her eyes stinging.
What if I fell to the floor? Couldn't take this anymore? What would you do, do, do?
The phone was still in her hand… Miss, are you a doctor? Miss, what is your name? Hello?
The grip on the phone tightened and Meredith hung up. She knew that she could never transfer to Mercy West. She almost scoffed at the thought. Light streamed in through the kitchen giving if an eerie glow. It was so empty. Meredith saw her only lonely self sitting at the table tears pouring down, her father looked at her and murmured something inaudible. Meredith shut her eyes tightly. She buried the memory. She needed to bury it. Meredith sat in the spot and hit her fists on the table as hard as she could, the fruit and whipped cream falling off were complete oblivious. Her fists slammed against the wood again and again. The sting of each impact was growing but she didn't care. She needed to just be happy. Find something to be happy, screw misery.
Come break me down. Bury me, bury me. I'm not finished with you.
A soft knock on the door broke Meredith out of her trance. She looked at the back door reluctantly. Whoever it was had saved her from her own self destruction. She looked out, only to see the one and only Derek Sheperd. He looked like he had been crying but it didn't matter.
"MEREDITH! LET ME IN!" He screamed at the top of his lungs. Derek needed to get to her.
Meredith shook her head. Anger radiating. Derek saw that he shouldn't have come. He was the one that screwed up, he overacted. Why? It was obvious. He loved Madison and missed the important moments. Her existence was bare none to him yet to his ex-wife, it was known. It was something where the odds were not in his favor.
"DAMNIT MEREDITH!" Derek pounded his fists on the door, hoping with his heavy heart that it would give way.
Crack
The glass now had a semi-thick crack on it. Streaming with blood. Derek's blood.
"MEREDITH PLEASE!" Derek begged.
Meredith looked off. He deserved the pain. He deserved the misery. It killed her. It hurt her. Seeing him beg like this, pleading to her. But he wanted him to know how it felt. How it felt to be pleading with your soul but disregarded. At this moment, he was wearing his heart on his sleeve and Meredith didn't care. At least she didn't want to admit that she did.
"No," the word barely escaped her lips, "NO! NEVER TO YOU," the volume and intensity in Meredith's voice escaladed. She was screaming. Screaming her heart out. What was left of it at least. "YOU HURT ME! CAN'T YOU SEE HOW HURT I AM DEREK?" Meredith held up her now blue, purple, and black fists.
Derek looked at her. Blood stained the window, casting a red glow on the wood.
"Meredith…"
"No," Meredith angrily shook her head. "NEVER! I'M NOT GOING TO LET YOU DESTROY ME ANYMORE! I DON'T WANT TO FEEL THIS WAY!"
"WHAT MAKES YOU THINK THAT I DO?" Derek looked at her. Pulling at the doorknob, Derek yelled. He yelled to try to get through to her. He needed to make her understand. "IT BREAKS MY HEART TO SEE YOU LIKE THIS MER!"
"I DON'T BELIEVE YOU!"
"PLEASE."
Meredith intently looked down at the down, her breathing irregular. It tore her apart to see him like this. She loved him. With all her heart and more. She saw the bleeding, hell she felt the bleeding.
What Meredith Grey did next, she would regret.
What I wanted to fight? Beg for the rest of my life. What would you do, do, do?
The ice graced Derek's hand. It was saving him in a way. Letting him relax. He welcomed the feeling. It cooled him down. Meredith sat atop the counter holding both icepacks to her severely bruised fists.
"You wanted to talk. So talk," Meredith's voice laced with bitterness.
"Meredith, I'm sorry." Derek looked up hopefully.
"Sorry?"
"I'm sorry for doing this. I overacted. I…"
"You're sorry?"
"Please Meredith, let me love you. Let me have you. You and Madison. Let us be happy. Tell me that everything is going to be okay again. That you care and-" Derek was cut short.
"Sorry. You have a wife. You left Seattle for you wife. Leaving me here. Heart-broken. Pregnant. With your child no less. You come back five years later, tell me that you still "love me" and "care." I take you back. I love you. You love me. And Madison. You-"
"Since when is this about me?" mumbled Derek quietly. Meredith's eyes suddenly became ice cold. She heard.
"Do you have any idea of what I went through when you left? You shattered me heart and me into a million tiny pieces. A huge part of me died. Just faded away. Everything that I wanted. Everything that I needed. You killed me Derek. You broke me. You did this. Not my mother, not my father. You."
"I can make it go away."
"No, you can't. I take you back. I let myself love you. I let you love Madison. Then one day, I decided to be honest. Something you lack. I told you I went after you. So I consulted your wife for medical advice for my child-"
"Our child." Derek corrected. It had become a habit. Every night, they would lay together and Madison would want to stay with her parents at one point or another. Derek and Meredith would tell her stories and hug her until she feel into a peaceful slumber. Then every time, Meredith would gently whisper, "This is my daughter/child." Derek would instantly correct her with 'our.' It was perfect what they had. It was love and family.
"No. You go crazy, angry. And now you're sorry. Sorry for what? For being angry? For hurting me?"
"For everything. I really am-"
"SORRY ISN'T ENOUGH DAMNIT! DO YOU EVEN KNOW WHAT YOU DID DEREK? DO YOU KNOW THE PAIN THAT I FEEL?"
"Yes, I do."
"NO YOU DON'T!I'm tired. I'm exhausted. From you. From you pretending to care about me. Pretending to love me. Pretending to feel what I feel. Because you can't." And that was all that Meredith Grey could take she threw herself off the counter letting the icepacks hit the floor smashing open. Ice spilling everywhere.
You said you wanted more. What are you waiting for? I'm not running from you.
"WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT DAMNIT!" Derek challenged her. He challenged her to open up and tell him.
"I want you to leave. To go. TO LET ME HURT ON MY OWN! I DON'T WANT YOU TO KILL ME!"
"In all honesty-" Derek was cut short by Meredith's disbelief, her cold eyes melting exposing the pent up anger she had hidden deep beneath her.
"HONESTY! ARE YOU FREAKING KIDDING ME? Now you want to be honest?" Everytime Meredith said honest, her voice filled with disdain. She was looking right into his eyes. Screaming out for him. For him to let her go. Let her heal.
"I'VE BEEN HONEST! I POURED MY HEART AND SOUL TO YOU!"
"If you honest, none of this would have happen Derek. You know damn well that you broke me. I've told you. You have barely been honest. Since the beginning of our so-called relationship, I wore my heart of my sleeve. All barriers gone. I thought I found the person I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. You told me nothing. I told you everything."
"Why is it me? WHY AM I THE ONE THAT YOU BLAME? I WAS HURT TOO!"
"You hurt? Bullshit." Meredith looked at him in the eye again. Searching for some reason, some reason that she should hate him. A reason to make the hurt go away.
Look in my eyes, you're killing me, killing me. All I wanted was you.
"Meredith look at me. Look at how much I want you. I need you. Isn't that enough to show you that I'm hurt too? To stand here and argue knowing that I can probably never have you again."
"Then what the hell are we doing here?" Meredith almost whispered those words. Her temper cooling, "I hate this. I HATE KNOWING THAT I LOVE YOU!"
"I LOVE YOU MEREDITH! WHY ARE YOU MAKING THIS HARD?"
"You yelled at me. Threatened me. You made everything this way. Not me."
"I love you. I need you. When will that be enough?"
"Enough? Derek, how many times will we have this conversation? There will never be enough."
"Meredith…"
"I want you to go upstairs, kiss Madison, tell her you love her, go home and go to work tomorrow. I don't want this Derek."
"After all this time, you still trust and love me. Shouldn't that be enough?"
"Enough… there will never be enough Derek. I'm a sink with an open drain. The day you left, you pulled the plug. There is no enough."
"When will there be enough Meredith? Today I poured my heart and soul to you and Madison."
"There will never be enough."
"Meredith…"
"Just leave Derek. Let me feel again. Let me love again."
What if I wanted to break? What if I? What if I?
"Please. I can't go on without you."
"You can and you have." Meredith's words became grave. Her expression indifferent.
For the first time, Derek fully understood what he had done. He had hurt her worse than he could imagine. He had taken everything he ever truly cared for and ruined it. He was the one to blame. Not Meredith, Meredith had been kind, she had been okay with everything. For the most part at least. He made her into this. He made her cold. He made her indifferent.
"I have to go pick up Madison," Meredith's voice broke his trance just as his did a mere 15 minutes ago. Meredith glanced up at his eyes before reaching for the ice bowl, they suddenly changed, guilt filling every part of his irises. Meredith felt her heart scream to her, tell her to tell him that she loves him. Before its too late. But Meredith knew she had said it too many times already, that one more would kill her more than the others had. She disregarded the feeling but opened her mouth as to say something then shut it quickly.
Derek nodded before turning around and leaving looking at Meredith, his heart nearly stopping. I did this.
Just as the door was about to shut, Derek whispered, "I'm sorry. I understand."
Meredith held the bowl of ice in her hand, for the first time, she believed him.
Reality hit as Meredith's pager came to life. She looked at it, it was Izzy.
911 Madison.
WHOOAAA. That was more intense than I thought it would be. But there you go 2161 words of Derek/Meredith angst. It will be a happy ending. I can guarantee that. Review please. I'm begging. Oh and the song is The Kill by 30 Seconds to Mars.
--somedays you're singing outloud
Say Anything (Else) by Cartel