Surprise, bitch. I bet you thought you'd seen the last of me.

I can't apologise enough for how long this has taken for me to put out. I started writing this during a time where things were about to get busy for me as I was gearing up for my final exams and finishing schooling for good (stupid I know) but now everything's done and I'm free. Originally I said I was going to split the story in two and have a happy ending for Rachel/Quinn and Amanda/Quinn in each one but now I've decided to stick to the couple I want most together (you'll have to wait and see which one I've decided) and if there is enough interest I may write an alternative ending for the couple I haven't chosen.

So again, apologies for how long this took me –sometimes life just gets in the way of everything.

All mistakes are my own :)

-london56

Despite the bravado you frequently hold up, you still get a little nervous before you step on stage to perform. Sure, it's your life and you live for applause but there's always a moment just before you step out from behind the wings of the theatre where you feel your stomach drop and your heart leaps to your throat. It only lasts for a few seconds though; barely enough for it to affect your performance because eventually, adrenaline kicks in and you make it through - you are after all Rachel Berry.

Standing now, face to face with the love of your life it becomes apparent that the feeling isn't limited to the stage. It's lasting longer than ever as you take in Quinn; her golden eyes, her raised eyebrow (which you've always loved) and the slight smile she has on her face. You're so nervous you think you may actually throw up but you don't because Quinn's here. Quinn wants to see you. Even if it's to tell you that she never wants to see you again, at least now you get to have a proper goodbye.

"…Rachel? Are you okay?" Quinn's concerned voice breaks you out of your stupor. You feel silly now. How long have you been standing there staring at Quinn? You look around for Amanda and she's back behind the counter working and sends you a playful wink. You internally face palm as you realise you've probably been staring at Quinn for a less than acceptable amount of time.

"Maybe you should sit down" Quinn stands from her seat and pulls out a chair for you. By some miracle, your body responds and you ungracefully collapse on to your chair. Quinn giggles as she goes to pour you a glass of water, considerate as always.

"Why are you here?" You manage to force out – albeit a little too loudly and a lot more forcefully than you intended. You're pretty useless in your Quinn induced shock.

She visibly recoils at your harsh tone and a flash of hurt appears upon her face before she gathers herself again. "I-I thought you wanted to see me? The other day when we ran into each other you said you wanted coffee?...I'm so sorry for bombarding you. You know what? I'll just leave" You internally kick yourself for yet again causing Quinn even the slightest pain. She moves to stand but you reach out to her. You're not going to lose her again.

You grab her hand and hate that you still feel a shock of electricity where you connect with Quinn. "Stay. Please?" You rasp out. When did your eyes even begin tearing?

She obeys and sits immediately. The two of you sit in silence for a little while just staring at each other. Well…you're staring at Quinn, she seems to float between looking at you and sending shy smiles towards Amanda. She's making no attempt to start conversation – to anyone else that would be infuriating but it makes you love Quinn even more. She's always known exactly what you need. She knows you need a little time to recover from your shock, even Rachel Berry, Queen of verbose can be rendered speechless by one Quinn Fabray.

"So…how's….life?" You awkwardly ask. It finishes sounding more like you're asking yourself if you really just said that. You blush at how silly you sound. It's the first time you've had the opportunity to properly speak to Quinn in months and you sound like an uneducated buffoon. To your surprise Quinn actually laughs at the question, not it a patronising way but more in an 'I'm laughing with you' kind of way and you start laughing too. Suddenly, you're filled with something you thought you lost that night – hope. Maybe you and Quinn can have a fresh start. The magic eight ball in your head says 'outlook looks good'.

When the laughter dies down you feel the serious conversation is about to start. Your palms start to sweat and that feeling in your stomach is returning but not as forceful as before because you have Quinn, granted, not how you'd ideally like to have her but at least she's here.

"Quinn…I'm s-" You start, but you're cut off before you can even begin.

"Rachel, I swear, if you apologise I'm going to walk out of here" She's joking but you can see she's serious about not wanting another apology. Your confusion is cured however when Quinn explains herself. "I know you're sorry about what happened. I can see it in the way you look at me, how you looked at me that night even…but it doesn't change what happened." Your heart sinks as Quinn's voice wavers as her emotions get the better of her. She pauses for a moment to collect herself and in true Fabray spirit she swallows down her emotions and continues on.

"Rachel, what you did really hurt me. It shattered everything I believed in. We were everything I believed in. Up until that night I couldn't imagine a world where 'Rachel and Quinn' didn't exist." Your breath hitches as she tells you this. You've lived for months still believing that you and Quinn would find each other again. Its how it's supposed to be.

"I know you have lots you want to say to me, I don't even know where to start in what I want to say to you but I'm not going to just sit here and let you apologise to me" You drop your head in shame in the realisation Quinn doesn't want to forgive you. You know what you did doesn't deserve Quinn's forgiveness but you always hoped she would yet again be the better person.

"…I'm not going to let you apologise because I forgave you a long time ago." Wait. What? "What happened wasn't only your fault, I am partially to blame as well. I can't sit here and let you take 100% of the responsibility for what happened" You go to protest but your silenced as Quinn asks you to listen first and rebut later.

"This is going to be really long winded but it's everything I've been thinking about the last few months and I need to say it so I can fully move on from what happened. Rachel, do you remember what we were like before you slept with…him?" You flinch at her inability to even say his name. "We were barely friends anymore let alone a couple. We'd go days without having a meaningful conversation. I was so swept up in my studies that I didn't even realise there was a problem until it was too late so then I ignored it because it was the easier thing for me to do. I ran from our problems instead of trying to fix them before they got worse Rachel and it is because of this that I am truly sorry. It's also why I don't blame you completely for what you did. I mean.." She pauses and takes a deep breath. Your heart hurts as you see talking about what happened still pains Quinn.

"I'll never be okay with what you did Rachel but I don't have the energy or will to hate you. I tried, I really did but I can't feel such negative feelings towards you because as much as I hate what you did, I understand why you did it. I became complacent. I lost the fight in me. You deserved more than that Rachel. We deserved more than that." You're both crying now. You momentarily think how funny the two of you must look to everyone else in the coffee shop, laughing with each other one minute then crying the next.

What Quinn saying is such a foreign concept to you that you immediately go to reject it. You want to keep all the blame on you because it's how you punish yourself for what you've done but Quinn apologising to you lifts a little bit of weight off your shoulders.

"I wish I could go back to the person I was 10 months ago and shake the stupidity out of me, I really do. Maybe then we could have had a chance Rachel. You know, I always feel a little guilty when I do things for Amanda that I should of done for you when we were still together, it's the little things like bringing home flowers that make all the difference" You wince at her mentioning flowers. To this day any flowers you see remind you of the beautiful Gardenias thrown angrily to the floor by Quinn. You remember crying whilst cleaning them up before you left her that night. "I kind of use our past relationship as a map to how I should be with Amanda; how I can be better for her and it makes me feel guilty because you deserved that." You look up at her at this. You know you shouldn't say it but you can't help it. Your rational thinking is clouded by the slight hope of being Quinn's again.

"Would you…would you ever want to try again? With me I mean?" You're surprised at how strong your voice sounds as you say it. Perhaps because it's something you're passionate about, something you want. You know it's spoilt but Rachel Berry always gets what she wants and she now knows more than ever that it's the same person she's wanted since she was 16. You want to respect Quinn's relationship with Amanda but you have to know.

Quinn takes a deep breath and blows out. "Rachel…If you asked me that before I met her I would have given you a different answer but I'm in love with Amanda as in I want to spend the rest of my life with her kind of love" Fuck. You really didn't want to hear that. "My relationship with her is different to how ours was, ours was innocent and pure and a little naive…it was everything I needed" Needed. You really don't want to hear this. "Our love was consuming in the best possible way but with Amanda…it's an adult relationship. And I'm sorry, I know how hard this must be for you to hear but I need her. She put me back together after we ended and she filled a missing piece of me" Yep. You're crying again.

Quinn reaches across the table and takes your hands in hers. If you weren't already crying you would be now as you're reminded of how perfectly your hands fit together. You wonder if Amanda and Quinn's fit together as seamlessly. "Rachel, I will always love you. You were my first love and more than anything I wanted you to be my last…but life sucks sometimes. You can't always get what you want, you know? If love could be enough for the both of us we'd be back together already but it isn't, it never will be. I don't think I'll ever really recover from what you did." She ducks her head to try and connect your eyes. You see nothing but love and care in those eyes and for a second you feel like 'Rachel and Quinn' again, like the two of you are the only ones in the room, like the two of you are all that matter. You're momentarily transported to the numerous times spent with Quinn in your bedroom in high school, lying on your bed and just talking. Even though you were hormonal teenagers, sex never dominated your relationship, your love for each other always lead the way. God, it feels like you're never going to stop crying.

"That's funny," you choke out "because I don't think I'll ever really recover from losing you". She grips your hands tighter.

"You haven't lost me. Like it or not I think we're tethered to each other. We'll always be important to each other, that's why I think we've snapped back so easily to talking to each other and sharing our feelings. It might even be why neither of us can bring ourselves to be hostile with each other. Although I tried to ignore it the past few months I think we'll always need each other, at least, I know that I'll always need you" She finishes the sentence almost as a question. Almost asking you for permission to need you, to care for you.

"Quinn, I'll always need you. You're still my everything even though what I did obviously infers otherwise" You want to badly to add that you're still in love with her but you can't burden Quinn with information like that. Not when this reunion has been going so well. "Maybe…maybe we could be friends?"

Her face lights up in a way that reminds you of when you two were younger. She's smiling at you in a way you know you and only you can bring out of her. Despite everything you've lost this past year you've gotten back the one thing you need the most.

You have your best friend back.

next update coming waaaaay sooner than this one took