i'm just gonna put this here because fuck it, i'm confused. someone reviewed and said they remember lines and i'm like, "holy shit i don't remember any of it. how can you?" oh my god, i honestly don't remember writing the original version of this story, which i'm rewriting off the other story and twisting or changing shit as a go. ALSO, total changer after this chapter and next. i decided to mix things up a little.

AND AND AND, my birthday is tomorrow. :3 happy birthday to meeee~ you guys are getting a chapter, i feel cheated. whatevs. ha.

enjoy!

"Believe the news, I'm gone for good.
Call off the search; no one will know that I'm down here.
Believe the note I left for you.
You can't turn back the clocks, you can't pull me up from here,
... so don't try."

- Car Underwater, Armor For Sleep.

Students fled their classrooms to gather in groups around the upperclassmen cafeteria. Girls giggled ignorantly over the latest gossip and a rumor that Matt shouldn't have listened to or try not to believe. It was the beginning of lunch and the end of his slowly crumbling sanity.

Matt stood with his hands in his pockets and his mouth agape, trembling and trying to convince himself that his eyes were deceiving him. There was no way that the rumors he had been hearing all day were true. No way in hell.

This wasn't happening. Nope, not at all.

That wasn't Mello pushed into the junction between the wall and soda machine by Light. There was no way that was his blond lavishing the mouth of personified evil. Just like there was no way that one of Light's hands was snaking its way into familiar golden locks and tugging roughly. And nope, that noise that escaped his victim was definitely not familiar as it assaulted Matt's ears.

Curling his fingers into his hands, the redhead stared in awe at the sight of his recent ex-boyfriend making out with the school's resident asshole. All the laughter, staring, and very shocked conversations regarding the new - dare he think it - couple had died down and it left Matt in pain.

It was a pain he'd never experienced before as it ran through his body, skipping over his ribs, and violently attacked his beating heart from all directions. Behind the constricting pain Matt came to the conclusion that all the whispered sentiments between them meant virtually nothing. They were lies, twisted and construed to purposely force him to his knees in the middle of the crowded hallway. They were to keep him at bay when Mello couldn't get any from Light.

Matt, for the first time in his life, was dealing with actual heartbreak. Nothing he'd ever felt before came close to what he was feeling now.

He leaned against the wall for support, afraid to move - afraid to do anything in fear of falling to the dingy floor in a massive heap of tears and cracked emotions. Everything was silent, at least according to him, as he continued to torture himself with the scene before him. It was almost impossible to look away, despite all cries in the back of his mind to do so.

The scene belonged in a bad teenage flick. One where the girl cheats on her loyal boyfriend with the weird kid living next door, only to realize that he was nothing more than a pervert with mediocre skills in bed. When said slut would finally realize that she'd thrown out a good thing she would crawl back with her tail between her legs. It would be at the moment that said loyal boyfriend would confront her, demanding answers to her actions. Of course, it would be a forced 'I'm so sorry, I didn't know what I was doing' thing and he'd realize that she never loved him in the first place and he would find a girl that did. The rest would be history. Or, until graduation.

"Matt," a girl's voice broke through his thoughts, "come on."

"What?" he choked, turning to look at Sayu with guarded eyes.

"The more you watch the more upset you're going to be, so c'mon," she said, linking an arm through his and pulling him towards their table, "let's go eat."

"I'm not hungry," the redhead mumbled, head drooping as he looked at his shoes to avoid watching Mello and Light suck face.

"Matt, you have to eat."

"I don't want to."

"Matt, if you don't eat then you won't have the energy to confront him about it later," Near stated as he dropped his brown lunch bag onto the table, fishing around the inside until he came in contact with the first item that piqued his interest. "And, besides, we don't need you passing out on us."

Matt snorted, rolling his eyes. "I won't pass out."

"That's what she said!" Misa giggled, plopping down beside Near with a bottle of water.

"What?" Near sputtered, choking on whatever he swallowed.

"Nothing," she said with a teasing smile dancing across her face. Matt realized in that moment that he had smiled for the first time that day with her attempt to lighten the mood.

"So, uh... I thought you guys were like, y'know," Sayu made a motion with her hands that Matt assumed meant they were an item, "together."

"Yeah. Were," he answered, his vision clouding as the lovebirds walked by. Matt knew that Light wanted him to notice the way his arm was wrapped around Mello's waist as he pulled the blond closer. Apparently Light hadn't been kept in the dark on their status.

"What happened?" she questioned, cocking her head to the side in confusion.

"Sayu, I don't think this is the appropriate time to ask him," Near said, idly picking at the bag of chips before him. "It's fairly obvious that he's upset over it, so leave him be."

"But..." she started. Near glared at her, stopping the girl from continuing.

"It's okay," the redhead spoke softly, turning his head to the side so that he could look at the three students he considered friends. "Just don't expect me to answer everything."

With the approval to bombard him with questions, Sayu turned her body toward him. "Okay, that's cool. So, I guess I'm safe to say that you guys aren't together anymore?"

"Correct," he answered.

"How come? I thought you guys were happy," Misa chimed in, placing her head in her hands as she leaned in to better hear the conversation, clearly interested in Matt's half of the story.

Matt briefly looked at the sincere expression on her face before directing his gaze to the table, eyes tracing the darker lines running along the mahogany plastic. It was supposed to look like real wood, he assumed, as he drew a face in the lines. Matt started with one knot in the ink, trailing it down to a line that had been rejected and singled out, standing by itself. From there he focused on a larger knot barely an inch from the first one that would make up the mouth to the set of eyes he'd already found. The only left to find was the nose.

"Matty?"

"We were," he finally told them, forcing back a round of tears that had begun to creep along the bottom of his eyes. "We were happy, but sometimes happiness isn't enough."

"Of course it is, silly!" she nearly shouted with a small smile, covering Matt's exposed hand with her own. This action made him freeze and look down at their hands, studying how small her hand was in comparison to his.

"Then again, sometimes," Near began, shoving the empty chip bag back into the brown bag, "too much happiness is a bad thing."

At this point Matt zoned out, listening to them talk but not really hearing or understanding them. It wasn't his fault. His thoughts were somewhere else entirely.

"Guys, really? This is about Matt, not your points on being happy." Sayu deadpanned, looking from each face as she uncomfortably settled on watching secretive tears splatter on the table. She was curious, yes, but did she really want to ask him what happened? Was her own curiosity worth the pain she'd inflict on Matt by asking him to relive their break-up?

Of course, she'd rather hear it from him than get a butchered version from Light when they got home. No doubt Mello would have told him and possibly lied so that Matt would be the bad guy. She knew how he was around her brother and she hated it.

"What happened?"

"..."

"Matt, please, tell me." her voice was barely a whisper dripping with actual concern.

Matt sighed heavily as he looked up, tears staining his already pale complexion and causing his eyes to pop. Sayu gasped as he watched her carefully; his eyes were electrifying. They were bright, riddled with humiliation, guilt, regret, pain and more importantly, love. She had never seen such an intense shade of green before.

The redhead pulled his hand away from Misa, lifted the other from his its resting place on his thigh, and laid them across the surface of the table in front of him. Matt opted to keep some things of their break-up private, so he tried to reason with himself the best way to answer her. Matt's eyes searched the cafeteria for something to look at while he told them the story. "We were caught."

"... I had been stupid and decided to go visit him at his house when it got dark Friday." Matt recalled. "We hadn't been in school a few days and I already felt like we were drifting... because of the barrier between his clique and ours. I wanted to make sure that things were still the same, y'know? That even though we had to hide our relationship from the prejudices of school we were alright." Matt inhaled deeply, allowing his tears to freely fall. "I just... it was starting to feel diff-"

"Matt, you don't have to continue." Sayu protested his answering and instead offered him a shoulder to cry on. She knew it was tearing him apart.

Matt took her offer as he leaned his head against her, stiffening when he felt her hand against the small of his back. "You know how it feels, right?"

"How what feels?" she asked.

"This. It feels like... I can't describe it, Sayu. It's there and it hurts like hell, and fuck, if I hadn't been so stupid I would still have him!" Matt seethed at his own stupidity. "He'd still be mine, Sayu!"

Sayu furrowed her brows, pausing in her comforting movement. "What did you do?"

"It's personal," he chuckled.

"Did you guys, y'know, do it?" Misa, who had been silently listening, asked.

"Not exactly," Matt said, pushing his hair out of his face and looking at Misa. "Either way, his mother caught up, apparently. She caught him go-"

Matt caught himself, an 'oh-shit' grin flashing across his face momentarily. He would leave the rest of that explanation up to their imaginations, if they chose to use it.

The table's other occupants blanched, looking at one another with wide eyes before they settled on staring incredulously at him.

"Dude! Who watches their kid like that?" Sayu disrupted the awkward silence.

"Mello's mom," Matt retorted.

"And she's the reason behind your break-up?"

Duh. Didn't I say that?

"You know what doesn't make any sense, though?" Matt asked, lifting his head from Sayu's shoulder and wiping his eyes. With slender fingers running through his hair he sat up. "If she hates the idea of Mello being gay, and if Mello knows this... then why is he with your brother? Mello knows damn well that someone is going to tell his mother about them today, he has to fucking know!"

"I honestly don't know, Matt." Sayu said, fingering the hole in the sleeve of her jacket. "Maybe he thinks she won't find out?"

"Because that makes the situation better," Near vocalized, earning a snort from Matt.

"Right? It doesn't make sense. What if," Matt paled. "What if he didn't love me? What if he was just using me to get to Light?" Matt's face scrunched up at the mere thought of being used.

The blond had been his world, and at one point he'd been more than positive that he was the center to Mello's universe, but he was having a hard time believing it now. Matt had given his all to Mello, and for what?

In his distraught mind, Matt decided that Mello was, in fact, using him to gain Light's attention. That Matt was a fling and not a person with legitimate feelings, needs, and wants. To Matt, he'd been used in one of the worst ways possible.

The redhead turned around, clearly intent on finding the people that were to blame for his recently changed outlook on life. And, of course, there they were, huddled together at the same table he'd seen them at before. Mello was leaning into Light's touch with one hand placed on the auburn teen's leg and a serene smile painted on his face. Matt wanted to gag.

Light, it seemed, was paying no attention to the blond. Instead, and Matt's eyes were most definitely not playing tricks on him, Light was looking directly at him. Smirking like he'd just won the god damn lottery. Matt narrowed his eyes as the start of a staring contest began. He wouldn't lose to Light. Ever. Nobody would take Mello from him; they were supposed to be together, supposed to have their happily-fucking-ever-after.

Mello was the girl in the movie that Matt had directed in his mind, aside from the cheating aspect. At least Mello had the decency to wait until after they'd broken up before staking his claims on the weirdo next door. That was just as bad as cheating. Light played the role of the perverted, no sexual skilled dumbass. And Matt, even though he lacked the courage to march up to them and take Mello back like he wanted, was the loyal boyfriend.

However, in this version, Matt wouldn't need to find someone better than the school slut. He wouldn't have to replace what he'd lost because he would get Mello back, even if it killed him.

In the midst of all his thinking Matt realized a little too late that Mello was looking at him. It was because of Light's intense gaze that Mello bothered to look back, to follow what had captured his attention. Mello was shocked, but not as much as Matt was when he shook his head, eyes wide like a deer in headlights. Even though they were seated on opposite ends of the room, Mello didn't fail to notice the tears glistening in Matt's eyes or the forlorn look that twisted his beautiful features.

Frowning, Mello momentarily looked up at Light, who had, at that exact moment, taken it upon himself to place an open mouth kiss against the younger male's lips. Light pulled Mello closer to him, but was stopped when Mello brought his hands up to push against Light's chest. This broke the kiss.

"What the fuck? You little prick!" resonated from the far end of the cafeteria. Matt took this as a sign to get away as fast as he could. All the confidence that he'd gathered during their childish game of staring each other down vanished, leaving him broken. Matt knew that he was done for if he didn't retreat immediately.

"Fuck you, Light!" Mello shouted and tore his gaze away from said jerk, looking longingly at the table Matt had once been sitting at. The only people there were the ones he claimed were his friends, despite barely talking to them. Matt had already left.

His movements were sluggish; it was getting harder to walk. The hall was closing in on itself, ridding all available space as it began to devour the redhead. Still, Matt pushed his way through the tight area towards his creative writing class, where he hoped to find a brief period of solace. Time seemed to slow down with each agonizing step he took, minutes turning into short seconds as he sped up. Everything was in tunnel vision, and if he hadn't known any better, Matt would'e laughed at the fact that he felt like he'd smoked too much. Too bad he actually hadn't.

Using the wall as support, Matt continued on his journey. It appeared to him that no matter how fast he walked, he wasn't able to avoid the voice calling out his name from the opposite end of the corridor.

"Matt!" the voice followed him, bouncing off the beige walls and assaulting his ear drums.

In response, Matt darted around the corner and basically - but, not exactly - sprinted into the classroom. He wasn't up to dealing with humanity on any kind of level. Mainly, it was just the blond. Mello, who was surprisingly frustrated, as he entered the room seconds after his ex-boyfriend. Matt winced, curling in on himself as the clicking of Mello's shoes against the floor got louder the closer Mello got. Why had he picked a seat close to Mello? Fuck, he was so stupid.

"Matt...?" Mello spoke softly, sliding into his chair and turning to face the redhead.

"What?" Matt snapped.

"Look... I can expl-" the blond froze as Matt looked up from his spot, eyes coaxing Mello into momentary submission.

"You can what? You can explain?" Matt snorted. "I'd like to see you try." Matt shook his head, voice growing quiet, "... as far as I'm concerned you were just using your mom as an excuse to leave me."

Pain riddled his voice as he spoke, and Mello noticed based on how shaken up he sounded as he fought to calm himself. Mello could see that it was taking a lot out of Matt to keep himself composed and not cry; because, God forbid, he couldn't cry anymore even if he wanted to. Matt tore his gaze away from the blond and placed his head down on his hands as they folded across the top of his desk.

Mello blinked.

"Matt," he tried again, reaching a hand out to tap on Matt's desk.

"If you wanted Light so fucking bad you should have just told me, damn it. It would've saved us a lot of trouble," he cringed at the thought of not having experienced the last couple of months, his voice small as he finished speaking, "it would have saved us a lot of time."

Mello pulled his hand back as Matt audibly sighed. The accusation that Matt threw at him smacked him like a freight train and he found himself wanting to flee the room. It wasn't like the redhead to assume things without digging deeper for the truth, more so when it had to do with his love life. Then again, Mello wasn't normally the type of person to jump from one relationship to another; falling from heaven and landing in hell.

Matt fumbled around with his bag, located against the base of his chair. He knew the minute their teacher arrived he would ask them to restart their work and he wanted to be prepared. Searching for the notebook he'd slipped back into his bag before lunch was also a good distraction from being forced to stare at Mello.

The room they were in, much like how the walls had acted, were growing smaller. Each of the four walls pulled inwards, suffocating both boys as they occupied themselves. Mello found it hard to breath, but that didn't stop him opening his mouth to speak as Matt dropped his notebook and pen onto the desk.

"Matt," his voice was soft, "it isn't like that... I, fuck, this thing with Light... I need you to understand."

Mello slid a hand through his hair, tugging at the roots as he looked over at Matt. Why couldn't he explain the situation without getting choked up? It was extremely unnerving for him to hear the words stumble out of his mouth, mocking him as he tried to form a simple sentence.

If he couldn't be with Matt the way he wanted to be, then he still wanted to be part of his life. Mello would take being his friend, if anything at all. It would be going against what his mother wanted, but he didn't care. She wasn't going to keep him from being a part of Matt's life. If anything, he felt more inclined to push for a friendship with Matt.

Mello, who was finally starting to get irritated with his ex's attitude, grabbed Matt's arm, forcing the redhead to look up at him. "No, Matt."

"Then what?" Matt jerked his arm away, rubbing the soft where Mello's fingers dug into his flesh. Mello, for the first time that day, got to see the raw insecurities that had been plaguing Matt from the start. Emerald eyes were shining, guarded, and riddled with tears as his body trembled. Matt wasn't nearly as strong as he pretended to be.

"Oh," a third voice came into play. "Eager to get back to work?"

Mello's gaze shifted from Matt to their teacher, Mr. Cates, as he stepped into the classroom. Dropping a very unorganized binder onto the table in front of the room, he sat down, his head tilted to the side as he watched the two lone students. They weren't doing the assignment he'd given them, but they were in class before lunch let out. That had to mean something, right?

"So, Mello. What's your short story about?" Mr. Cates asked, taking a sip from the black coffee mug settled between his hands.

With a raised eyebrow, the blond shrugged. He hadn't really cared about something as trivial as a short story. Not when Matt was sitting close to him with the side of his face pressed against the cold surface of his desk.

Mello barely listened when the teacher recited a line from his stack of papers, presumably something from one of his favorite authors. Apparently that one line was the prompt for the short story they were doing and it had to be completed by the end of the period. Only, Mello didn't care enough to bother remembering the prompt or what the rules for finishing said paper were. He was too preoccupied by thoughts revolving around him and Matt.

"I don't know," Mello stated, earning a shake of the teacher's head. It was much easier to tell him that he hadn't decided what to write about than to tell the man that he didn't listen to him, thus making him not care about the assignment.

"I suggest you decide quickly, Mello. You have until the class to finish," his teacher commanded, "take a pointer from Matt there and start working on it before the bell rings. It's not hard, so it shouldn't take you long."

"The fuck?" Mello muttered, eyes quickly leaving the teacher and focusing on Matt, who had his head low and right hand moving diligently along the paper below his face. The once white page that Mello had seen before was full of words that he couldn't see, save for several lines at the bottom that Matt's pen was scribbling across. There was no way Matt had managed to write that much in such a short time.

How had he managed it? And, better yet, what was he writing so enthusiastically about?

"Matt?"

"What?" the redhead looked over at Mello from behind a crimson curtain, a bored expression on his face as he waited for the other to speak.

"I'm sorry," he spoke gingerly behind the ringing of the warning lunch bell, unsure if Matt heard his apology or it had been wasted.

Matt rolled his eyes and turned back to his notebook. He tightly gripped the black ballpoint pen between his fingers, lined the top on the paper and crossed out the last line he wrote. It was already embarrassing enough to know that he was working on a note that would probably be shoved into the abyss of Mello's bag, so he really didn't feel the need to further said embarrassment with cheesy one liners. It wasn't like it would mean anything to Mello, seeing that he'd apparently moved on. Matt's feelings would probably be a joke, if anything.

A startling shrill brought Matt from his notebook. After staring at his paper for what felt like forever, he finally noticed that his fellow students were packing up their books and getting ready for their next class. Blinking, he wondered when the hell lunch ended and where the remainder of his creative writing class had gone to. When Matt was caught up on something, focused, he wasn't exactly the most observant person around. Although, he had heard the lunch bell ring for his class to resume ages ago. That had to count for something, he thought.

Matt's eyes scanned over the words he'd written and he sighed, hardly pleased with the way his note - letter - had turned out. Yes, he'd put a lot of thought into what he wanted to convey, but he hadn't been able to put in everything. There was more he wanted to say. A lot more. That wouldn't happen though, because if he didn't give the letter to Mello now then he wouldn't get it at all. He'd been able to capture most of what he wanted Mello to know, so it was good enough. Maybe.

The question was, would Mello accept it? Secretly the redhead feared that his ex wouldn't bother, if his earlier actions were anything to go by. Regardless, he'd spent the last forty five minutes trying to perfect his emotions onto this piece of paper and he hoped that somewhere in Mello something would nag at him until he decided to read the two pages full of his confessions.

"Place your work on the corner of my desk," Mr. Cates said, motioning to the spot where he wanted the assignments to go, "and I will see you guys on Wednesday. And, don't forget that it's journal day, so bring your journals with you!"

Shaking his head at the teacher, Matt pulled out a third sheet, holding it in his free hand as he slipped his note onto Mello's desk, wary of touching the blond as he struggled with sliding his notebook back into his bag. Surprised with himself for having given Mello the papers without touching him, he smiled sadly to himself as he grabbed his carrier bag, put his daily assignment on the front desk, and walked out of the room.

The rest of the day would pass smoothly, Matt hoped. He didn't dare stop to see if Mello had noticed the gift he'd left behind, instead opting to continue towards his next class.

"What the...?" Mello looked down at his desk, puzzled. "The fuck is this?"

Oceanic eyes ghosted over the chicken scratch. It didn't take him long to register that this didn't belong to him; he knew his handwriting was much neater than the scribbled mess on the paper. Who did it belong to then? And, of all places, why was it left on his desk?

Mello shrugged, feigning interest in the sheets as he slipped the strap of his bag over his shoulder, fingers curling around the paper. Quickly he retreated from the room and began his descent for his final block, hoping that he wouldn't be stopped from finding out what was written on the papers locked within his death grip.

Mello was very curious. He wanted to know what they said. No, he needed to know; he had to know.

"Mello," a familiar voice demanded his attention, "get over here."

"What?" he stumbled, looking up from the papers he'd been balling up in his fist.

"I said get over here!" Light barked. Mello jumped.

"What do you want?"

"You know what I want," the older spat, capturing Mello's lips.

"What the fuck?!" Mello growled, pulling away from the auburn haired teenager.

"What? You want to play it that way, Mello?" Light stepped closer, an evil glint dancing in his yes as he watched Mello. Two could play this game.

Retaliating for the way he had been publicly humiliated, Light extended a hand out to tightly grasp Mello's arm, his nails breaking skin as he leaned in, words cold as he threatened, "if this if how you want to play, then we'll play. Keep your eyes on your little boyfriend, Mello."

"H-he's not my boyfriend!" Mello shouted as he pushed Light backwards, his body colliding with a group of unsuspecting girls that had decided to watch the scene unfolding in the hallway. One girl squealed, surprised or just happy to touch the bastard, Mello wasn't all that sure, but he did know that he needed to get away before anyone noticed his tears.

Walking towards the bathroom at the end of the hall, he stopped only to make the sharp turn into the vacant room. The warning bell mocked him as he weakly strode over to a single stall, shutting and locking the door as he took up residence on the floor, his back up against the wall.

Why did everything feel like it was against him? Why couldn't he get a moment of peace?

Since his mother had found out about his relationship with Matt he'd been put through a whirlwind of tests, forced into something he didn't want. Why did his parents have to shove him towards the one person he hated most? Light Yagami was, and would always be, his enemy. Nothing would ever change that.

Abso-fucking-lutely nothing.

"God damn it!" Mello yelled, slamming his head back against the wall and pulling his knees up to his chest. This wasn't how to expect to spend his day and it definitely wasn't how to intended to confront Matt with the truth.

Plucking the crumbled papers that had mysteriously gotten into his pants pockets, Mello eyed them warily, a sense of confusion overriding any traces of anger that he had in him. Mello barely noticed the name elegantly written along the back. A signature.

"Matt...?" he choked, unfolding the balls and straightening them on the floor in front of him.

What was so important that Matt couldn't tell him to his face?

Mello stared at the first word, his name, afraid to take the plunge and read farther. He knew that the redhead had spent his time writing the entire second half of the class, but he never thought that he'd been working on something for him. Despite his desire to read the paper in his hand, Mello folded the two sheets and neatly slipped them into a separate compartment in his bag. He would read it when he got home, nestled in his room.

There was an hour to go before school let out, and Mello, angry and confused, opted to spend the rest of the day hidden in the back of the unused bathroom.

ahhhhh, now comes the task of rewriting the note. oh god, i think it sucked last time. DDD:

review, please. thank you.

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