i almost forgot what matt's letter entitled until i started working on it and then a little idea popped into my head, so i'm bringing more drama to the table, even though there's already enough drama as it is. but that's okay, because i feel more motivated to finish than before with the original story.

also, thank you guys for sticking with me. i wouldn't be half as willing to keep writing this story without ya'll. especially with another fandom creeping in and new story ideas for it.

and, to let you guys know, i barely have any idea what happened on my birthday. it was july 2nd. i was completely inebriated. ha.

matt's letter is in italics as to not confuse anyone.

enjoy~!

"Broken this fragile thing now,
And I can't, can't pick up the pieces,
And I've thrown my words all around,
But I can't, I can't give you a reason."

- Only One, Yellowcard.

The last hour felt drawn out; never-ending and taunting him. It gave him too much time to think about what he'd done and where he'd gone wrong, and what he could do to fix it. Mello, like he did when it came to many things beyond his control, compiled a written list of things he could to have Matt understand him. The notebook that he'd used had been the one that he used as his journal for creative writing.

That meant his teacher would get to see what he wrote about in regards to having the redhead hear him out. Each one that was scratched out because it sounded stupid - the ones that barely made any sense and even the ones that served as a walk-through for 'winning Matt by means of sex'. Mello didn't care though, his teacher told him that the journal could be used for anything. He felt slightly justified after coming up with this reason.

Mello lolled his head back against the wall, playing with his shoestrings as he idly waited for school to let out. He allowed himself brief moments to remember what he had and what he would have, going back and forth between the differences of Light and Matt. They both had their qualities, he realized, which was shocking because he didn't think there were any endearing things about Light.

He'd been wrong.

Light knew what he wanted and he wouldn't take no for an answer. Mello liked a person that knew, without a doubt, what they wanted. Light also had a strong sense of family - he would do anything for his parents and sister. That was also a plus for Mello, seeing that for longest time (until Matt came along) it had only been him and parents. Of course, minus the few friends he had, but they didn't count because they weren't family.

But, no matter how much he tried to convince himself that this relationship with Light would work and that it was the right thing to do, he couldn't do it. He couldn't have done it if he tried and his life was hanging on by a thread. Light was the enemy, he wasn't meant to be the trusted, perfect, person that Matt was. Also, the fact that his parents were dead set against his 'homosexual ways' didn't help either. Though, his mother had hinted that if he absolutely had to be with a guy then she would prefer it be the Yagami heir.

Mello hadn't asked her why. He really hadn't been curious enough, though in the long wrong, he probably should have been.

Without warning, the bell sounded and Mello jerked to full attention. He could hear the student body filling the hallways and he hurriedly gathered his notebook and shoved it into his bag. Reaching up to unlock the door, he slung the strap over his shoulder as he stood, brushed off his pants, made himself look more presentable, and walked out of the bathroom with a sway in his step. The blond couldn't let people see him breaking down. That would have to wait until he got home in short fifteen minutes.

However, as fate would have it, Light caught up to him as he was walking towards the buses in the back loop of the school. He had every intention of riding the bus home, but that looked like it wouldn't be happening because of mister knight in shining freaking armor. It really didn't shine, it was more dull and rusted.

"You're riding with me," Light said, grabbing Mello's bag and pulling him back towards him.

"No, I'm not." Mello said, jerking away.

"I won't have you taking the bus, Mello." Light told him. Mello could already see the anger etching across his face. "Do you know what that would do to my reputation?"

Mello snorted. "Fuck your reputation."

"Stop being such a bitch,"

"I'm not. I just want to go home."

"Get in," Light demanded.

Mello honestly couldn't remember walking with Light to his car, but when he saw the first bus pull out, he sighed. He opened the door and tossed his bag into the floor before sliding into the passenger seat, defeated. He'd been so determined to take the bus home, but look at where that had gotten him. Stuck in Light's car with the one person he didn't want to be around and listening to crappy music.

What would have taken fifteen minutes to get home took close to thirty. Mello knew Light was doing it on purpose; he was toying with him. Light knew that the blond didn't want to be near him, so he wanted to torture him. At least that's what Mello figured. If he was right he really had no idea, but it made sense in his head, so he went with it.

Light tried to talk to him on several instances, but Mello would shut him down by turning the music to insane volumes, ignoring him, or offering one word answers to every question he asked or statement he made. At one point he even pretended to take a light nap, which proved to be a lot harder than he imagined it would have been. It was impossible to sleep or try to when the system in the car kept spouting off random sexual innuendos and talking about drug use.

As if Light would ever do any of the things that the song said. Mello couldn't see him lighting a bowl and doing the old puff-puff-pass. Nor could he see Light trying to 'roll around in the dirt' or getting 'hoes and money'. The thoughts were funny though.

"Aren't you going to thank me for the ride?" Light asked as Mello opened the door once they pulled into his driveway.

Mello rolled his eyes, clearly indicating that the auburn haired teen needed to go fuck himself. He slammed the door behind him and all but drug his bag to the house, a silent prayer of thanks falling from his lips when he realized that his parents weren't come home. That meant he could get to the bottom of the papers in his bag in peace.

Shutting the storm door behind him, Mello kicked his shoes off in the walkway and walked towards the kitchen, intent on getting something to drink before locking himself in his room for any random amount of time. He was sure that his parents would come knock on his door when they got back home. His mother would probably want help cooking dinner; a task he wasn't entirely sure he wanted to help do. The outcome of the letter would be the deciding factor, he thought.

Mello dropped his bag onto his bed, unlatched the bottom hook and pulled the folded papers out of the small compact compartment that was normally used to to hold pens and pencils. He paused momentarily to shut and lock his bedroom door before hopping onto his bed and pushing his bag into the floor. Whatever homework he had could wait until later, he had more important matters to tend to.

"Okay," he exhaled, steadying himself. "I can do this."

Mello,

His eyes ghosted over his name and his stomach dropped; to say he felt unsure was an understatement. He was ready to puke and he'd only read his name. Mello knew that he wasn't exactly stable enough to read what Matt wrote, but he also knew that if he didn't, he would be wondering what the papers said for the remainder of the night. That was definitely not happening.

I love you.

No, wait, scratch that. I don't want to start off that way. You probably don't care anyways. I mean, shit, I wouldn't care either if I was Light's arm candy.

Then... hey, how do I start this, Mels?

My mind is swimming with things I want to say, but I can't do it. It's hard to trust someone when they completely fucked up and took you for granted.

Say, Mello...

Did you enjoy the sex? Did you enjoy the whispered frailties? The affection; the attention; the kisses; the cuddled under the stars. Did you enjoy the way your name rolled off my tongue during our most passionate moments? Did you enjoy that?

Mello nodded in response to all of his questions. He had enjoyed it, all of it. The sex, the words, every little thing shared between them. Hell, he'd even enjoyed the things that the redhead had forgotten to list.

I know I did, Mello, and I thank you for everything.

However, there is one thing. I regret not going through with it. I regret not making you mine when I had the chance. I'm sure Light will be surprised to find out that you've not been tainted in that sense. I hope he'll be half as good as I would've been. That's one thing I'll never get and it bothers me. What's a guy to do, huh? Nothing; not anymore.

Mello frowned, thinking back to that night and remembering why they hadn't done it. They both wanted it, God forbid, but Matt decided not to. He wanted to wait until they were at his house, but once there, it never happened. The blond shook his head, unsure of how to react to Matt telling him that Light would be the one to take him. He wouldn't give anything to the auburn teen, that particular thing was solely reserved for Matt.

Wow. I'm starting to stray from my original point. My bad.

Did you enjoy me, Mello? I hope you did, even if I wasn't all that good. I apologize for that, by the way. I was a virgin until we met. You were pretty much my first everything. Did you like it? Did you like me?

"Why are you apologizing for that?!" Mello shouted, placing the papers on the bed and laying down, his feet kicking back against the wall. "You were amazing..."

I should probably stop the questions now. I'm not going to get any answers, so there's really no point in asking you anything. This letter - or is it note? - has my questions written down, so I'm not sure if that really constitutes as me asking them. Unless, you hear my voice when you read this... that would be kind of weird.

Okay, enough of my rambling...

You know, the day I met you, I thought I'd found an angel. Silly, right? I thought that for once my life was beginning to look up and it was all your fault. It was because you spotted me in the crowd when nobody else was paying any attention to the secluded kid playing video games against the wall in artist alley. That kind of stuff is normal for conventions. But, you did, Mello. You noticed me, and when I realized that you had, I felt like everything would be okay.

And, you know, that's why I disappeared. I was afraid that the moment things started to get better that it would all be taken from me. Is that a good enough reason to be scared? I think it might be, but I'm not sure. I digress. I watched you turn around to look for me, your eyes were wide and bright. So very, very, bright. Were you curious, Mello? Curious of the boy that looked like he was paying no attention to his surroundings and was more focused on a gameboy. I'd be curious too, you know. And, if you want my honest opinion, I was.

Mello remembered seeing a blur of black and white disappearing from his sight. The corners of his lips twitched at the memory. Mello could recall not wanting to get up from the chair he was comfortable in, but his curiosity had, indeed, gotten the better of him and that prompted him to look for said mysterious individual. Mello eventually found Matt leaning nonchalantly against the wall in a nook beside an exit. He was staring down at his hands with mild interest; he looked absolutely intriguing.

Mello had been nervous when approaching him, but if asked if he was, the blond would blatantly deny it and claim that he just didn't want to scare Matt off with how straight forward he was. Regardless, Mello remembered the first time he'd seen Matt and he could still recall the things that swam through his mind as he waltzed up to the recluse. The first moment he laid eyes on the redhead would forever be etched into his mind as one of his fondest memories, located somewhere behind their first sexual encounter and situated to the left of the time when Matt confessed his undying love for him.

Why did you notice me, Mello? And why were you so eager to find me after I deliberately evacuated the area? There you were, standing in the center of the hall and searching for me, a boy you'd never seen or met before in your life, with two ear buds in your ears and confusion on your beautiful face. I smiled when you finally spotted me leaving the alley, and that smile became much larger when I looked up to see that you were walking towards me. You wouldn't have noticed though, because I played it cool by staring at my game, despite the fact that it had been paused when you came around the corner.

Fuck, you have no idea how good you looked at the moment. I knew you were nervous, your eyes gave you away. I could tell from a few feet away that you weren't really sure how you were going to talk to me. No worries; it's okay, I get that a lot. It's always been something about me, I guess. Am I intimidating, Mello? I don't think I am.

Mello could picture Matt asking him if he was threatening with a raised eyebrow and serious expression adorning his face. The image made Mello chuckle.

Still, you made your way over to me and the moment you opened your mouth and stuttered your sloppy greeting, I could see myself falling for you. Your voice made me shiver, but I don't think you noticed, thank god. Oh, and to clear the record, I know that I came off as a little rude (maybe more than a little) and I'm sorry for that. As I'm sure you've learned, I can't help it. That's how I am when it comes to meeting new people.

You do know that, right?

Anyway, the small talk wasn't really important, however the request you gave me to ease my boredom was. I used to think that you were only using me to relieve yourself of all of the convention boredom (because, believe me, I know how it gets when things start shutting down for the night and you have almost nothing to do), but then I rationed with myself that that hadn't been the case. You wanted to make-out with me as much as I wanted to with you. Don't lie.

Mello smiled softly. He couldn't deny that he wanted Matt then.

And then, as you said I was 'hot' and placed your lips on mine, I knew that we were meant to be more than just some petty convention hookup. I felt the sparks that everyone talks about when it comes to first kisses; it was an electric feeling that shot up my spine and inevitably turned me on. Did you feel it too, Mels? You had to have. It was there and it was obvious, and if the fan girls were any indication to our chemistry, well... you know where I'm going with this one.

With a shaking hand, Mello lightly brushed his fingers across his lips. He could still taste Matt from the last time they were together, even after Light had tried to taint the taste with his own. Mello could still taste him and he caught himself wondering if Matt could taste him too.

Mello blinked, forcing back the tears that were beginning to fill the bottom of his eyes. He couldn't cry; he wouldn't cry. He wanted to save the waterworks until the end, when he knew that they would be expected to stain the wrinkled papers. If he knew Matt at all, he would make the end touching, raw, and honest. The blond had to mentally prepare himself for what was coming.

Your hands were on me and mine were on you and were lost in a sea of lust that neither of us could contain. And then it was over just as soon as it started. Of course, this was after I heard the sound of several cameras snapping pictures and a girl squealing over the fact that she taped our session. I still haven't looked for that on youtube, Mello. Maybe I should, for old times sake. It'll probably hurt, but that's okay. It was one of the best days of my life.

Leave it up to Matt to consider searching for their make-out session online. Mello laughed at the idea of the redhead sitting in front of his computer and typing into the search bar 'hot boys making out at convention'. Would that video even be posted? Probably. Most definitely. Yes.

Hey, hey! I have a question!

If you knew what things were like for you at home then why did you let yourself get caught up in our weekend romance (or whatever you wanna call it)? I would've totally pushed me away if I had an egotistical bastard back home swearing that I was his property. That would have saved us a lot of trouble, Mello. We wouldn't be in this situation had you, oh I don't know, remembered that the asshole king was awaiting your return. None of this would have happened, damn it!

I wouldn't be spending the majority of my nights staring at the ceiling with 'what if' scenarios running through my head. I wouldn't find my pillow wet in the morning because I'd spent the better part of my night crying over what we had or the nightmares that are slowly starting to come back. I wouldn't have any nightmares. I wouldn't feel like I need to vomit every single time I see you and Light together or hear about what a 'wonderful couple' you guys make.

None of this would be happening.

"Oh, Matt," he whispered.

Wait. Hold the fuck up. I thought Light was straight. Isn't he straight?

I'm running of lines to write on. I've exhausted the blank space given to me and I'm starting on the next page. I didn't think I had this much to say to you after everything, but damn, looks like I was wrong. Again. And, you already know this, but it's going to get worse from the point on. If you're still reading... I recommend stopping before it gets too late.

I don't think you want to read anything else. I'm already trying to convince myself to keep going, so it probably won't make much sense, but at least I'll feel better? Maybe. Will I, Mello?

I've never gone through this before, so I don't know...

What's it like kissing him, Mello? Do his lips feel the same? Do butterflies flutter in your stomach when he leans in and steals a silent promise from you? I know they did when we kissed. Almost, if not, every time.

Do his hands the feel same as they caress your body, Mello? Are they as soft as they look? I bet his hands have never been dirty before or that he's never had to work to obtain anything or anyone.

You know, the more I think about you two being together, the more I believe that you were never mine. At least, it was a nice to assume that you were mine until school started back up. But, when looking at the big picture, you weren't mine to claim. You always belonged to Light or your parent's righteous ideals.

Sighing heavily and pushing himself up so that he was seated with his legs crossed, Mello ran a hand through his hair. Mello closed his eyes, squeezing his fingers into his free palm, and mentally scolding himself for giving up the on the only person that had been a constant in his life over the last several months. The only person that made him feel wanted, needed, and loved.

And, Matt had been right. He never belonged to the redhead because Light was always looming in the background like the boogie man awaiting a newly punished child. It pained him to admit this to himself.

"Matt," he murmured, "it doesn't have to be this way."

When I walked into the cafeteria and saw you guys together a thought ran through my mind, and as much as I hate to think that you were lying in using your mom as an excuse to leave me, I can't help but wonder.

If she hates homosexuality and the prospect of you being with another guy, then why are you with Light? It doesn't make much sense for her to condone that relationship, but not ours. Maybe there's another reason behind it, one that I don't know. Because seriously, Mello, one would think that you would've jumped onto the straight bandwagon instead of throwing yourself at Light like a wanton whore. You must really hate yourself if you're willing to give up your happiness for him.

... that's not my problem. It's yours and yours alone.

Well shit, I'm really starting to run out of space to write and there's only fifteen minutes left in class, so I better say what I wanted to say in the first place. I just hope it doesn't end with you wanting to completely avoid me, though that would probably be the better option when it comes to the healing process.

Only...

I don't think I'll ever get over it. Over you...

A lump formed in the back of his throat and he brought his knees up to his chest, wrapping an arm around them, one hand tightly clutching his pant leg and the other still holding a single sheet of paper in front of his face. The tears that he had pushed away were starting to resurface, waiting to stain his face. He knew it was futile, holding them back - he wasn't strong enough.

Pulling his eyes away from the grey letters that were beginning to mix together to form incoherent words, he stared off into space in a weak attempt to collect himself and clear his vision.

I love you, Mello. I love you more than anything else in the world - more than you know.

You mean the world to me and if I have to give you up to Light in order for you find happiness (false happiness), then I will. I only what what's best for you, and that obviously isn't me. I'm sure he'll treat you well enough, if you let him.

And, Mello. I'm sorry that I couldn't be your everything, but I want you to know that you were mine. You still are. You mean everything to me and that will never change, even when we've both gone our separate ways and no longer remember anything about each other - you'll still be the person I think about when I fall asleep at night and the person I think about when I wake up. I'm sure you'll always be on my mind, Mello.

Just... holy shit, I can't. Wow. I think I'm going to cry, Mels. I don't think that'd be a good idea in class. I'm pretty sure I'd get weird looks and you would worry... and that would only get you in more trouble with Light.

A single tear hit the paper that he couldn't remember laying on his lap. His blurry eyes caught random spots of darker paper, where words were slightly distorted and off. It was then that Mello realized that Matt had been crying while he was writing; he'd been silently suffering beside him. The proof was on the paper, next to the fresh wet spots from the tears dripping off his face.

It made sense that Matt left the room in a hurry when he thought back on the last time he saw the redhead. It made perfect sense.

So, hey. It's fine if you want to forget about me. I completely understand. I'll go back to being a fly on the wall and I'll stop being hanging around your group of friends that you never actually talk to. It'll be like we never happened; like I never existed.

I've been told throughout the day that I don't understand what love is, Mello, that I'm too young to fully grasp the idea. Well, they can kiss my ass, because I do get it. And, the way I see it is...

True love only happens once in a lifetime, and even then most people don't ever get the opportunity to experience it... but, I believe I'm one of the lucky ones that has been given the chance to experience it at such an early age in life.

I love you, Mello. I truly do, with everything I am.

So, later, Mels. It's been fun. I hope you enjoyed yourself.

I love you.

Forever and always,

Matt.

P.S - I have an idea on how to win you back, Mello, and the moment I see your relationshit with Light go down the drain, I'm going to fight for you. I'll never let you go.

"I'm sorry," the blond choked, releasing the sob that had been hurting his chest. "I never meant for things to turn out this way..."

Mello fell to his side, eyes closed and body quaking. Mello cried, brokenly voicing his opinion on the situation to the open air of his bedroom. He ignored his mother calling him to come into the kitchen, opting to curl himself into a ball, hug a pillow to his chest and fall into a slumber he'd hope would last forever.

The last things on his mind were Matt, his mother's disapproval of homosexuality, and an idea that might work out for everyone.

so i have a kinda sorta surprise for the next chapter, something i should have done before. i hope you guys like it. or not, that's cool too.

review, please. thank you.

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