so, i want to start off by saying that i'm apparently going to otakon this year. i feel like this is the first time i'm going to a convention EVER, and it most definitely is not. in fact, this is convention number... uh, 20.

that good news made me finish this chapter! i hope you guys aren't too annoyed with me for changing things up, but i felt like i needed to do something to give me motivation for this. i didn't like that i was just basically rewriting this story off the original. it was starting to get on my nerves. things will stay the same, mostly, but i'm adding in more drama. yay or nay? i say yay.

oh, oh! matt's location in this story when he's alone is a place that actually exists. i'm not sure if i told you guys this or not, but i'm basing places of this story on places i've actually been. i'm not going to tell you my actual city, unless you know what i'm talking about, then you have to guess and i'll give you something. a one-shot maybe? i don't know! all i'm telling you is that i live close enough to maryland to go to otakon without it breaking bank. :3 give me a city name, not a state, ha.

again, letter is in italics.

enjoy~~

"I remember a day when I could walk right down the street.
And feel so confident and know everything's okay.
Take my hand, don't let go, but please remember, hearts can grow.
We still have to take it slow.
I love with caution and trust, alone."

- Love With Caution, Silverstein.

To say that he wasn't looking forward to school was definitely the understatement of the century. Mello had been dreading it after waking up in day old clothes and suffering from hunger pains. The blond hadn't meant to fall asleep so early in the evening or skip dinner, but he had.

Still, even with the consistent hunger problems, he could barely bring himself to eat any of the food his mother prepared for breakfast before she left for the day. A few pieces of bacon and a light nibble on a pile of scrambled eggs was more than enough. It wasn't that he didn't want it, because he did, but the more he ate the more he felt like he was going vomit.

Frayed nerves are a wonderful thing.

Honestly, the most Mello felt like doing was standing in the shower so that the hot water could work miracles on his tired body. Maybe work out his muscles from the awkward way he slept the night before. After that, he thought that he'd find something to occupy his time with until he had to get dressed and leave to ensure that he got to school in time.

Mello had two entire hours to kill since he woke up much earlier than normal; one consequence for going to bed so early. It couldn't have been helped. The sleep, or resting period, was well needed.

The homework from the day before was burning a figurative hole in his carrier bag, but that didn't necessarily mean that he wanted to do it. There was something else he felt like he had to do before completing the work that his teachers had given him. Something more important.

Mello knew that the homework would get done, he'd have more than enough time on the bus ride to school to finish it. The morning ride that Light wouldn't bother keeping him from ever, claiming that his mornings were totally full. This, in all actuality, meant that he was too busy perfecting his royal, pain in the ass attitude and his appearance to go along with it. It clearly meant that Light really didn't care about his reputation.

Why moan and groan about it the day before when he wanted to take the bus home and not complain because he rode the damn thing to school?

Yeah, it didn't make much sense to Mello either.

Sighing, he reached into his bag and pulled out the first notebook his hand came in contact with. It was for math, but Mello didn't care since he was only going to tear out a few sheets to write on. With a pen in his hair, resting on his left ear, and a pencil tapping against his lips, he thought about what he wanted to say before he began to write. Mello knew that this would keep him busy for a while.

"Feel any better today?" Sayu asked Matt as she sat down beside him on the hood of his car.

They were early; much earlier than the rest of the student body. Sayu because Light was her ride in the mornings and he apparently had some important student president stuff to deal with before everyone else arrived.

Matt, on the other hand, was early because he was waiting to watch the buses file into the bus loop.

"If getting no sleep means better," he yawned," then yeah, I feel better today."

"How come you didn't sleep?" That's not healthy," she said, leaning back against the windshield.

Matt didn't know what to tell her. He wasn't exactly comfortable with her knowing about his nightmares or darkest secrets. Hell, he had even hesitated telling Mello that one time when he accidentally let his sleeping problems slip. Mello had been persistent, and Matt knew that he wasn't going to get away with keep his mouth shut. The redhead also refused to tell her about the letter he gave Mello the day before and how not knowing Mello's feelings towards it was eating at him. That left him telling the girl a small white lie.

"Not tired enough," Matt said.

"Oh."

"Yeah, no big deal. It means I'll sleep better tonight."

That wasn't true, but she didn't need to know.

"I hope so," she started, watching a cluster of rain clouds move across the sky, adding as an afterthought, "you look like you're getting sick."

"I'm just tired, is all."

In reality, he was beginning to feel horrible. Perhaps it was still the break-up, as that wound was still very fresh. Maybe it was not knowing how Mello would react or maybe it was Matt's uncertainties and how he didn't know how to approach the situation with Light. Or, like Sayu said, he could just be coming down with something.

Matt stopped paying attention to Sayu as she began to prattle on about how unfair it was that they were being given too much homework. Instead, he stared off in the direction of the bus loop, knowing that the blond was on the second bus to arrive and that it normally pulled onto the school property five minutes after the first. How and why the redhead knew such information was a mystery to anyone other than him. It wasn't like he spent a lot of time hanging around to wait so that he could see which bus Mello got off of. He just happened to be in the right place at the right time.

Completely coincidental.

"Hey, I gotta go!" Sayu announced at random, sliding off his car and waving back at him from over her shoulder. Matt hummed, figuring that it was time for him to head over to the bus loop in hopes of getting Mello alone.

Maybe he could coax a response out of Mello or, at the very least, get some kind of reaction from him. Anything would work, really. Being told to fuck off, to meet him in the old teacher bathroom. Matt would do, without second guessing himself, whatever Mello of him.

The walk from his car to the opposite side of the building was boring. As any type of walk or leisurely stroll would be. It was starting to drizzle and people were scrambling to get inside to save their clothes, and in cases for the girls, their make-up and hair. Matt welcomed the rain with a half-hearted sign and thoughts of how to address Mello.

He could do the standard approach and ask him for his opinion, but that really wasn't his style. Or, he could pull Mello into his arms, kiss him with enough heat to rival the sun and then walk away like nothing happened. Matt was too much of a romantic for that.

What he really wanted to do was walk into the center of the before school meeting spot with a stupid smile on his face and holding a radio that was playing a song that reminded him of their relationship or a song that was about begging to be taken back. Alright, so he got the idea from watching Say Anything the night before. It would have still made an impact, though!

Matt stood off in the shadows as he watched Mello step off the bus. He was wearing a jacket that Matt had never seen before, the hood pulled up over his head. Matt assumed this was to keep his hair from getting wet, as the blond hated wet hair, claiming that he didn't like the way it stuck to his skin. The real reason for the hood was to shield his face from people and hide his swollen eyes. He hadn't been crying all freaking morning. Nope, never.

Mello moved so that he wasn't stuck standing out in the open and caught under the rain that was progressively getting heavier, phone in hand. He was staring at the device, much to Matt's dismay. It appeared that he was waiting for someone; the obvious question was who.

Adjusting the goggles that hung loosely around his neck as a mock necklace, Matt stepped away from the side of the school building and slowly began to walk towards where Mello was standing. He was a little behind schedule after trying to decide if the blond was, in fact, waiting for someone. However, the redhead had come this far and he wasn't going to back down. Not when he'd finally convinced himself that this was the right thing to do.

It was now or never, and never wasn't an option.

"Hey," the redhead greeted softly.

Mello lifted his head, slightly startled, offering a small smile. Immediately Matt knew that something was wrong and it sucked because he didn't know what he could do to take all of Mello's pain away. It wasn't like he could wrap his arms around Mello and whisper strings of sweet nothings. While that normally worked, their situation was anything but normal. He was afraid to touch the blond; afraid that Mello would push him away with a heated glare and words ordering Matt to leave him alone. Matt could handle being dumped, barely, but he didn't think that he could deal with being rejected while trying to comfort the other teen.

"What's up?" Matt asked, shuffling awkwardly, waiting for Mello to acknowledge him instead of standing there looking at him like he'd seen a ghost.

Mello, torn between wanting to talk and being uncertain of everything, didn't know what to do. It wasn't that he didn't want to talk to Matt, because he did, but he was unsure of what to say to him. He'd played out this conversation several times on the way to school, and despite that, he was still at a loss for words. What was he supposed to do? He knew what Matt wanted.

"So, I was thinking," Matt began, removing his hands from his pockets, "an-"

"Here," the blond interrupted, holding a hand out. "Is this what you want?"

There, trapped between his fingers was a folded piece of paper, and Matt found himself not wanting to take it. The redhead suddenly found that he didn't want to know what Mello thought about his million page letter. Matt felt like he wanted to run, escape from the place he'd willingly put himself in. He needed to get away, hide, lock himself up until he was ready to face Mello and the rest of the world. Matt realized that this was too soon; his nerves were shot and he couldn't do it.

"Uh," the redhead sounded. "Yeah, I guess."

The silence that feel over him was not welcomed. It felt heavy and full of everything they didn't want to acknowledge.

"You better go," Mello said, sliding the paper into Matt's hand as he gently pushed past him. "I'll see you in class or something."

Matt stood, trying to process what just happened, his fingers curling into the paper that was weighing his hand down. There was no possible way that he could read whatever was written before or during school, it would be too much for him. Matt carefully slid it into his pocket, turned on his heels and with a rushed walk, he made his way back to his car. He was leaving for the day; there was nothing wrong with skipping class every once in a while.

"Holy shit," he breathed, tossing his bag into the passenger seat and shutting the door. Matt felt like he had just finished running a marathon, though he actually hadn't and he never would.

Matt didn't know where he was going as he peeled out of the school parking lot like a bat out of hell. He didn't want to go home because he knew his dad would be there, probably with a cup of coffee and watching the morning news before getting ready for work. He wasn't ready for all the questions that he knew his dad would ask.

No, he wasn't okay.

And, no, Matt didn't want to talk about it. He wanted to figure things out on his own.

Camping out in a random parking lot wasn't a good idea either. It was starting to get to that point in the morning where people were going out and about, so automatically that meant that someone would notice a high school student skipping. The redhead wasn't too sure about the truancy policies of this place, but he suspected that they were similar to the ones that were in place where he used to live. They'd find him, take him back to school, and if the officer felt like being a complete prick for some reason or another, his father would be called and that would cause Matt more trouble.

He didn't know the area well enough to know where to go; he didn't know the best places to hide from prying eyes.

After driving around for what felt like hours, the redhead finally settled on a small, secluded area he remembered seeing one time when he and Mello decided to go down to the river. It was hidden back far enough where people doing their morning jog, walking their dogs, or just taking a stroll wouldn't see. That place seemed like the best idea.

Of course, he realized as he pulled into the nearly full parking area, that he would have to walk a good ten minutes off the main trail to get to the spot. Sighing, he turned the car off and got out, locking the door after he attached his key ring to the back of his dark jeans. Matt pulled down his black shirt to keep the keys from jingling as he slid one hand into his pocket, fingers idly stroking the folded paper as he began his descent towards privacy and possible future heart break.

Matt made little marks on trees as he walked by, pulling off strips of bark or creating little huts out of sticks so that he could find his way back. Yeah, there was a trail leading back to the spot he was going to, but it was barely there - a sure sign that it was hardly used. The last thing he needed to happen was for him to get lost.

When he reached his desired location, Matt sat on the ground, leaning back against a decaying part of the building that used to stand tall and proud. Matt could remember Mello telling him that area had been used a slave trail back in the day, and it made sense, seeing as how ships would come up the river. The remaining wall he sat against housed whomever got off the ships, usually long enough for auctioneers and plantation owners to pick through the weak and young, killing off any that didn't seem suitable. Matt blanched as he thought about how he was using the place to try and recover whatever he had with Mello.

The irony in knowing that those people died in the spot he was sitting in made things seem more surreal. Here he was trying to salvage what was left of his dying relationship in a place where many people lost their lives. Matt almost wanted to laugh as he pulled the paper out of his front right pocket.

Matt,

I don't know how to do this. I've never done this before. Oh, fuck, what do I say?

I love you? Yeah, that sounds like a good thing to say.

The idea of Mello losing his cool over not knowing how to write a note made Matt smile softly. Mello, who was always calm and collected, was unsure of how to write his thoughts down.

I love you, Matt. I really do, which is why I need you to understand a few things. And why I need you understand what I'm going to tell you. Don't take it the wrong way. I'm doing this for the good of our relationship.

Matt arched an eyebrow, battling with himself over whether or not he should skip forward to find whatever Mello wanted him to know and understand. He decided against it, knowing that Mello read everything he wrote. The least he could do was read everything Mello had written.

Things with Light are complicated, but I need you to know that we are not in any shape, way, or form together. We're not an item. We are not dating. At least, according to my side of the story.

"Bullshit," the redhead whispered, his thumb ghosting over Mello's neatly written 'I love you' above.

I know you probably don't believe me, but it's the truth. Yeah, Light has been into me for longer than I've known you, but that's all. See, uh... how do I put this? Um...

When I first started hanging out with Sayu he was always there. I guess he thought that I would try to put a move on his little sister or something, but I never did and he caught onto that. Light told me that he knew my secret and that if I didn't do what he wanted then he would tell everyone. You know how my parents are, Matt. It would have gotten back to them if he'd said something and I didn't want that to happen.

It was the day before the convention and I'd been looking forward to going for so long. My parents were originally against it, but after much persuasion, I got them to let me go. You can only imagine the stupid shit I had to go through in order to get them to say yes. Light would have ruined that and then we wouldn't have met. I'm almost thankful for him keeping his mouth shut.

This deal extends until he finds someone else to play with, I come clean about who I am, or I find a girlfriend. I'm stuck and I'm sorry that I'm putting you through this. I never meant to get someone - you - involved.

Matt blinked, eyes scanning over the words he'd read and wondering if Mello was telling him the truth or if he was trying to make up some kind of elaborate story to appease him. It sounded like something out of a movie, some twisted plot that would make no sense until the very end and then the screen cuts black and the credits start rolling. Matt compared his life to movies a lot, but he figured that was okay.

With that out of the way, I hope you understand where I come from when I tell you that my heart belongs to you. It did the first time I saw you.

You asked why I noticed you out of everyone there, didn't you?

You were alone. You looked bored. Matt, you looked so fucking hot standing there while the rest of the convention went on around you. It was like you didn't care at all; a great, big 'fuck you' salute to everyone who was too caught up in their convention agenda and drama. You were intriguing.

Also, it was because of a dare.

Matt couldn't help but grin around the pain and confusion that Mello was causing. If that's what he looked like to the blond then he could only imagine how other people viewed him.

I didn't know you, but I wanted to know you. I forgot about the shit back home, forgot about Light, forgot about my parents. It was only you. I wanted you from the start and now that I have you, fuck... I don't want to let go.

Matt felt his eyes water; his heart start pounding harder against his ribs. Seeing it written on paper in his script, Matt didn't know what to think. He'd been so convinced that Mello was playing with him and that he was relieved to get rid of the redhead.

I know you think that you meant nothing to me, but damn it, Matt, you're wrong! I meant and still mean it when I said I love you. You're my world and nothing is going to change that. You're the reason I get up and come to the hellish place we call school every morning. If I can't touch you, at least I can look and know you're there. It's not ideal, but it's all I can work with right now. I hope you understand that.

I love you. I will never stop loving you. You're my reason for everything, Matt.

A sob wrecked Matt's body. He curled in on himself, the paper falling onto the wet ground as he blinked away unwanted tears. Leave it to Mello to hit him where it hurt. Matt didn't know if he could handle his heart breaking into smaller pieces, despite how sure Mello sounded about his affections for him. Matt knew it would be harder to repair his heart.

And, to answers your questions, I enjoyed every moment we spent together.

The day we found each other in the mall; you were playing some game in the arcade and I was with the group (friends that I'm going to try to get back in touch with). That time when your dad almost walked in and found us with our clothes off. I'll never forget the look on your face when you thought we were doomed. That was priceless.

Or, what about that time in the park watching fireworks on the fourth? Everyone was so caught up in watching, drinking, and talking with friends and family. They didn't care about us defiling their children's play house. I swear, that was one of the best nights I've ever had.

Matt remembered that night fondly. The way Mello pulled him into the shadows and all but forced him up the small ladder so that they could sit and cuddle while they watched as colors lit up the sky. Only, things didn't turn out that way. It took one touch from the blond to send Matt over the edge.

Mello had their clothes off faster than Matt could blink. It was cliche, yeah, but at that moment, neither cared. There was something amazing about doing it under the stars - under the bright, flickering lights of designs creeping into the nighttime sky. Mello had never been more beautiful to him up until that point.

The fact that they could easily get caught also made things much better. It was a thrill that they'd never experienced before and it was probably why they became so comfortable with their relationship. They never were caught and even if someone had noticed, it wasn't like they would have known it was two guys. For all they knew Mello was some random girl riding her equally random boyfriend.

Matt felt his chest get tight as he thought about that night and how he didn't think that he could love Mello anymore than he had then. His tears were falling faster, plopping onto the paper laying on the ground.

I wish I had enough room to highlight every little memorable thing we did together, but that would take an entire notebook because our entire relationship is worth remembering. It's all worth it. You're worth it.

I'm almost out of time, Matt. I decided to write this instead of doing my homework, which I didn't do yesterday because I was too busy reading your letter and sleeping off the pain. I'm stupid, I know. I've fucked up on a lot of things, but you're not one of those things.

We'll be together again, but until then I need you to lay low. I have an idea and I'll work around Light. I need you to be okay with secret meetings, small moments, and maybe a quickie or two. I'm going to work this out and I'm glad you're so eager to fight for me. It'll make things much easier in the long wrong.

So, please, don't read too much into what I'm about to say.

Matt brought a hand up to his face to wipe the tears away, knowing that he needed to be able to clearly read what Mello seemed so adamant about.

I'm going to ask Sayu out today. I've talked to her briefly about it and she agreed to 'date me' in order to help us out. This way Light have to leave me alone, seeing that his little sister comes before anyone, even himself. Surprising, huh? It'll also please my parents to the point where they'll be wanting me to spend all of my time with Sayu... where you'll be.

On that, Matt, I have to stop writing. I have five minutes before I have to catch the bus.

I love you so much it fucking hurts. Don't ever forget that.

Yours forever and always,

Mello.

Matt sat, brows furrowed and eyes shining with a round of new tears. All thoughts escaped him as he tried to come to terms with what Mello had shoved in his face. What was he supposed to do with this news? How was he supposed to react when he saw them holding hands in school? Or, when they kissed and hugged? Because they'd have to otherwise things would look weird. Light would question them. Hell, everyone would question them if they didn't show a little public display of affection.

The redhead didn't know what was worse - seeing Mello with another guy or seeing him with a girl. Either this idea could be a blessing in disguise or it could completely backfire and ruin their what little hope they both had.

Matt hoped it wasn't the latter as leaned his head back against the building, his eyes shut as he considered all the possibilities of what this could do to their relationship.

sorry this chapter seems so rushed! i kind of planned it that way, but i don't know if it works now that i've gone back to edit it. ahh. forgive me.

review, please. thank you.

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