A/N1: Thank you so much to everyone who has taken the time to read this story already and to those who have Favorited/followed/reviewed - It really made my day :) Also sorry for the late update but between Stereosonic and Taylor Swift's Concert (both absolutely amazing) I didn't have a lot of time to edit this.
Finn sat on the risers in the choir room, his hand wrapped in Quinn's as he spoke to Mike about a defensive play that the two had run in training the day before. His eyes kept darting to the door and as each minute brought the start of glee closer his brow became more and more furrowed. He still hadn't seen Rachel walk through the door and that in itself was worrying.
Rachel was usually ten minutes early and would be sitting in the front row, binder spread across her lap as she looked at songs to perform. Last year it had been for all the solos that she could sing (and truth be told she would have been amazing on all of them – but then again her voice was always flawless so it wasn't much of a surprise), but as the year had progressed she'd started to include a variety of songs – ones that would highlight the different strengths of all the club members. He couldn't help but be proud that he and Rachel had a duet section twice as thick as the rest of the group purely because they were able to cover such a diverse range of songs with their voices.
After the whole debacle with Santana and Sectionals, she no longer sat in the front row, more likely to be found sitting in the back corner. Her binder, though, remained ever present as she'd take down notes at random intervals. Still at least she had shown up.
He wanted more than anything not to care so much. He was in a relationship with Quinn now and it was Rachel who had torn their relationship apart in the end. When he slept with Santana he and Rachel weren't even together – Christ she was even with Jesse at the time – and maybe he shouldn't have kept it a secret but that still didn't mean that Rachel had to go running into Puck's arms. Though if he was being honest with himself he still couldn't tell if he was dating Quinn again because he liked her or because he was using it as some sort of payback to Rachel, because whether he liked it or not even he was still hopelessly in love with the tiny brunette girl.
Mr Shuester entered the choir room, five minutes late as usual, balancing a stack of sheet music in his arms.
"Alright guys, we have a couple of weeks until regionals and we need to make sure that we're sharp. Now I know that Rachel wanted to do original songs, but I was thinking we'd try a few other ones just to give us a few options."
"There had better be some R'n'B Mr Shue!" Mercedes interjected.
"And MJ is the definition of sharp. If we sing some of his songs there's no way we'll lose" Artie put in as well.
"Both are good ideas, but no, that's not quite what I had in mind" Mr Shue replied, and Finn watched as Mercedes and Artie's shoulders both dropped slightly. "But I think you'll be very happy with what I do have."
He began handing out the sheet music and Finn looked it over and smiled, "A Hard Day's Night" was a pretty good choice- everyone knew the Beatles and it totally fit with how hard everyone was working right now (even if he only really had his mom and Burt as a guide).
"Alright Santana and Finn why don't you take the lead on this one" Mr Shue said – he felt Quinn's nails dig into his hand but he nodded his agreement. His head may have been saying yes, he knew that he and Santana could pull the song off, but his heart was objecting feverishly as his eyes roamed the room, trying to find the one pair of eyes he knew would object wholeheartedly to this arrangement.
Looking around though he found that Rachel still hadn't arrived, so when Brad began the opening chords on the Piano he sat up a little bit straighter and started running through the first verse. His and Santana's voices fit pretty well together, and they did sound pretty good. Not as good as his and Rachel's did, but then again Rachel's voice was one in a million and despite the other girl's strengths Rachel was able to shine in a way that none of the others could. Or maybe that was just his bias speaking. He really needed to stop thinking of her like that. He was with Quinn. Maybe if he kept repeating it enough it would feel right…
Rehearsal continued on as the group began work shopping the song and getting it sounding much more polished in just a few run throughs – they'd come a long way since the beginning of last year, he thought proudly and he looked around to share his excitement with someone. All he saw though was Quinn looking bored as she inspected her nails, Mercedes and Tina trying to contain their laughter at some joke he'd obviously missed, and Puck trying to look out the glass pane in the choir room door at a few cheerleaders who happened to be walking by. He knew Rachel would have appreciated how much they had all improved, but she wasn't there.
"Alright" Mr Shue said clapping his hands together. "That's enough for one day. Everyone go over their parts and I'll see you again tomorrow".
The group started gathering their things and heading for the door. Finn remained sitting down whilst everyone else moved around him, he was sure that Rachel would have shown. It was completely unlike her not to show up for Glee and ,yes there had been a lot more tension the past few weeks, but the worst of it was over he thought. Even in the days immediately after Santana's announcement and after their break up she had still been there, slightly less vocal, but there nonetheless.
He thought about raising the irregularity with Quinn, but he wasn't sure if it was worth the argument that would surely evolve. Besides maybe she was just sick or something?
That was it he decided. She'd probably be there tomorrow and he'd wish she wasn't. Only because it meant he would have to use all of his willpower not to talk to her. It was harder even then the beginning of last year, when he wanted Rachel but couldn't have her and instead tried to surreptitiously steal glances of her ass.
Except now he'd done more than just look.
He knew how it felt to hold her as she moved on top of him, kissing his lips with fervour, and how she felt tucked under his arm as they watched a movie or drove in his truck. It was more than just the physical contact though, because despite the fact that they had dated, more than anything she had been his best friend.
A large part of him (hell if we was going to be completely honest, all of him) really missed being able to talk to her about everything, to share his fears and insecurities and not have her laugh at them as she would try to find some way to make him feel better. He kind of hated that part – hated that he still missed her after everything she had done to him. He kept telling himself that he should hate her. Hate her for knowing his weakness and using it against him – she knew exactly how much it had hurt last year with Quinn.
So she was honest about it, upfront, unlike Quinn. Last year though they were just kids. A whole year and a half younger than they were now and it was supposed to be about making mistakes and learning from them – wasn't that what everyone kept saying?
The fact that they had been younger and dumber and stupider last year wasn't a great defence but it kinda fit. He himself had been a massive douche last year, like when he ditched Rachel to find his 'inner Rock star" but he had learned from it and grown up. Rachel on the other hand seemed to have no problem using his old pain, the lessons he'd already learnt, against him.
It hurt so much more this time as well. Maybe because his feelings for her ran stronger than those he thought he had for Quinn. Maybe because it just reminded him of everything that had happened the year before and the pain of losing a child that was never really his to begin with. Or maybe it was because he had thought he could trust Rachel, trust her to keep his heart safe and she had turned and obliterated it into tiny little pieces.
Apparently though knowing that what Rachel did was wrong and actually having his heart realise it was two different things. Now all he was left with was a traitorous heart that still longed for Rachel, barely healed wounds from Rachel's actions and a relationship with Quinn which he was starting to think he never should have restarted again in the first place.
He was brought out of his Rachel induced haze by Quinn's voice whispering in his ear.
"So my mom isn't going to be home till late. Do you want to come over to mine?"
Finn gulped, he didn't want green eyes and a perfect nose and blonde hair. He wanted a tiny brunette with chocolate eyes and a nose that was slightly larger than normal but somehow fit her face perfectly. But there was no point in even thinking that. Maybe he just needed to make out with Quinn for a little bit to get his head fixed up?
It briefly ran through his mind that every other guy would think he was insane to give up making out with their hot girlfriend to mope about some else, especially someone who had already broken his heart. Somehow he couldn't even bring himself to care that much though.
"Uh… Yeah. Yeah that sounds good" He replied instead. He really needed to remember that he was supposed to be in love with Quinn.
"Perfect – come one let's stop off at the juice bar before we do. I've been dying for a wheat grass smoothie"
Finn tried to hide his disgust at the idea of the goopy green drink. Evidently he didn't try hard enough cause Quinn laughed and rolled her eyes.
"They have banana ones as well."
Finn just nodded sheepishly and headed over to his truck, opening the door for his girlfriend. He glanced once more around the parking lot trying to catch site of Rachel's little hatchback. Not seeing it anywhere he sighed and moved around to the driver's side, resigning himself to spending the rest of the afternoon with Quinn.
The next day, when Glee met again, Finn arrived 5 minutes earlier than usual. It meant he had had to skip getting a chocolate bar from the vending machine, but he was sure that it would be worth it. With any luck he would be able to talk to Rachel before Glee started, without the angry eyes of his girlfriend watching on.
He hadn't actually seen Rachel around the school that day, despite going out of his way to walk by the classrooms he knew she was in (walking her to class had had its benefits). He figured though that she'd probably show up for Glee even if she wasn't feeling well enough to go to her regular classes.
His efforts were in vain though because by the time Glee started he was left with a chocolate sized hole in his stomach and no Rachel. This time though the rest of the group seemed to notice.
"Where's the Midget?" Santana asked. "I mean I'm only asking because I'm actually enjoying the fact that I can hear myself think and the fact that I get to sing lead, but I would have thought she'd have something to say about that".
Mercedes laughed "Tell me about it. When you got the lead yesterday I expected her to have kittens or something. But really though, where'd she get to – it's kinda weird it being so quiet in here."
"Maybe she's just sick or something" Mike put in. "I mean it happens to all of us at some point".
"Well hopefully it can keep her out for like a week. I'm not ready to give up my peace and quiet just yet" Santana intoned.
Finn frowned, yes Rachel was outspoken and yes, even he had gotten annoyed by her incessant talking at some point or other. But she only did it because she cared about the group and about getting the best out of everyone.
He wanted to say something but he could feel Quinn's gaze on him so kept his lips firmly closed as everyone continued to talk about how nice it was to not have someone asking for perfection every single minute. It kind of defeated the purpose Finn thought, to practice something half-heartedly. It didn't really achieve anything and just wasted everyone's time. Rachel had been the only one ready and willing to keep everyone on track – even Mr Shuester seemed to slack off half the time – citing his need for a coffee break (3 times in an hour seemed a bit excessive to Finn but maybe it was his prejudice against coffee…).
He kept his opinions to himself though. He really didn't need any more drama in his life right now and he was trying to stay on Quinn's good side. The truth was, and he was sure everyone knew it even if they weren't willing to admit it, they needed Rachel.
Her voice, even when it wasn't singing lead added that extra degree of greatness and her extensive knowledge of staging and musical theatre really was invaluable. She always knew where the best places were to highlight a performer, mainly because she had spent a lot of time practicing in the spotlight so that she could get the best exposure, but still it benefited everyone in the end.
She also knew how to make the music her own. She would add crescendos, move it up or down a semitone and change the tempo slightly as she pleased to get the most meaning out of the song.
It was clear in her solos how beneficial her ability was. She could literally reduce a room to tears if she chose to or have them on them tapping their feet along and swaying in their seats. Of course she also managed to reduce herself to tears more often than not, as if she was pouring her whole heart into very single note. To be honest she probably was, he thought. Maybe that was what set her apart from everyone else in the club. They might all like music, love it even, but none of them lived and breathed it quite like Rachel did.
Finn knew that despite his own misgivings towards her they really needed her there, on their team. There was only so much longer that they could continue without her.
A week and a half later and Rachel still hadn't shown up to rehearsal. By the third day of her absence Finn had texted her, trying to sound as nonchalant as possible as he asked where she was and when she would be returning. He didn't want to sound like he missed her or needed her - god knows where that would lead them - but he was starting to worry about how well the group could actually function without her. Sure they could sing the notes, but that wasn't necessarily good enough.
When that hadn't worked, and he'd received no reply, he had sent a couple of angry texts - trying to get a reaction out of her. He was sure that accusing her of being childish and selfish for not so much as telling him she wouldn't be at rehearsal would have gotten him a reply. In fact he had been expecting a whole block of text ranting at him with words he didn't even understand. Or something along the lines of how he didn't own her and didn't control her and she could act as she pleased.
He would have preferred that though to the resounding silence that he had received instead.
He kept staring this phone screen, careful not to let Quinn see whose messages he was looking at. There still wasn't a reply and his foot bounced up and down anxiously as he tried to take his agitation out on his surroundings, rather than bottling it up inside. Most people who got sick were out for a week max but Rachel wasn't like everyone else. She refused to accept that she was sick - Her bout of laryngitis last year had definitely proved that - and she was likely to only be out for a few days tops. Yet the extra seat in glee club remained stoically empty.
The rehearsal started and Finn didn't miss the way everyone kept glancing around at each other or at the door, almost willing Rachel to come back through them. They were still working on "A Hard Day's Night" and had most of the choreography down (well the rest of the group did he was pretty sure he was going to have to get Mike to give him a few extra directions – his feet just didn't want to be coordinated with the rest of his body). It wasn't like they sounded bad. It was just that they could sound better.
Finn couldn't help but dwell on the fact that Rachel had always offered up her advice on how the lines should be sung –although it often wasn't appreciated. There had been a number of times that Santana had told her to "shut the fuck up before I have to go all Lima Heights on your ass". Despite the protests or feigned nonchalance though, often than not they had heeded the advice - because it did make them sound crisper, or elicit more pain or give off a more excited tone.
The rehearsals had generally been more relaxed without Rachel there to insist they stay on topic or run the second verse again because they hadn't got one semiquaver in the exact place it should be. Her dedication and drive surpassed that even of Mr Shuester and although most of the group had resented her in the past for it, Finn was starting to think that perhaps the group was missing it more than they wanted to admit.
"I'm just saying that the last few note should be raised an octave" Santana said, directing her statement at Mr Shue.
"Are you kidding me?" Tina interrupted. "That would through the whole balance off".
"Tina's right. It actually should go down a semitone" Artie interjected.
Mr Shue just glanced between all of his students, unsure of what to say. Finn knew that he had usually had extensive meetings with Rachel when he had assigned new pieces. Not that he instigated them but Rachel really was quite unstoppable when she put her mind to something. From what Rachel had told him, Mr Shue had usually written them off, or pretended like he had planned to do it that way all along, but Rachel insisted that he just didn't want to admit how right she was and had persisted, showing up without fail to his office to talk through her in depth notes on the piece. Finn was starting to think that maybe Rachel had been right about Mr Shue, and that he had actually needed her advice as a vital part of his directorial decision making process.
Hell he was pretty sure he had no idea how they should end the first verse.
"Let's just leave it as it is" Mr Shue said, trying to sound authoritative, despite the fact that he had probably just made his decision on the spur of the moment with nothing backing it other than the fact that it already sounded ok now and he didn't want to mess with it.
Finn sighed. He knew that the way the piece sounded now didn't guarantee them a spot at Nationals. They couldn't just be good – they had to be great. They had to stand out from every other group. Groups that probably had their own power house voices.
Hell they didn't even really have their real powerhouse with them at the moment. Sure Santana was fantastic and her voice had that awesome raspy, sexy sound going for it and Mercedes could belt a note like no one else could but they still needed Rachel's soulful, soaring voice in the mix if they wanted to really push themselves over the edge.
He didn't know how much longer the club was going to work without having some of Rachel's input.
Apparently Mr Shue had come to the same realisation at some point during the rehearsal because instead of just dismissing them and sending them on their way as he usually did he spent the last few minutes asking the group if they had heard from Rachel. His voice was filled with a sense of urgency as he asked if any of them knew when she would be back.
"Sorry Mr Shue, I haven't seen the tiny diva around at all." Mercedes replied.
"Yeah and I haven't seen her in class since the week before last" Artie put in.
Mr Shue's brow creased as he too seemed to take in the significance of Rachel not having been at school for at least a week.
"And no one knows where she is? No one's heard from her?"
He was met with a unanimous no as everyone shook their head.
"Alright well you're all free to go. Have a goodnight and we'll work out a few of those choreography issues tomorrow. Mike maybe you can run through a few of the steps with Finn?"
Mike nodded and turned to look at Finn who gave a sheepish shrug of his shoulders – it so wasn't his fault. No one else had to contend with a 6 foot 3 body…
Instead of the whole group leaving though everyone remained in place as Mercedes turned and looked at everyone.
"Ok so I'm the first to admit that I'm not Rachel's biggest fan, but like it or not we definitely need her. Mr Shue has absolutely no idea what to do with the song other than what is printed on the paper – and everyone knows that you have to go above and beyond that if you want to stand out and sound different."
Everyone nodded their agreement.
"So what are we going to do?" Sam asked. "Like can't we just text her and ask her where she is?"
Finn shifted uncomfortably as he spoke up "I kind already did." Quinn's nails clawed at his skin as she clenched her fist around his arm – he was pretty sure there were going to be some pretty impressive nail marks at the end of this.
"And… What did she say white boy?"
"Well- uh she kinda didn't say anything. Like she didn't even reply"
"What seriously?" Puck interjected. "You say "jump" and she pretty much asks "how high?" No way she'd leave you hanging."
If it was even possible Quinn dug her nails in even further – yeah thanks a lot puck.
"Uh … well… yeah... I still got nothing. Like I didn't even get a 'leave me alone' or anything".
"Alrights, I'm not going to pretend like I actually like the Hobbit because I don't. But I sure as hell want to win this thing and even if she's not signing lead she does actually have some good things to say about the music –and if you ever tell her that I will cut you because there is no way I need to hear her voice more than I already do- but we need to cut the crap and deal with this. So we're going to go to her place and prop her up on pain meds or whatever it is she needs and tomorrow she's going to walk into rehearsal and annoy the shit out of everyone. Then hopefully we'll be able to make this song into something that will win us the damn competition. Got it?"
Finn rolled his eyes – leave it to Santana to pass off a somewhat caring action into an insult – but at least they'd be able to get Rachel back into the choir room.
The group followed each other through the darkened streets of Lima towards the Berry's house. Finn and Quinn were in the lead, guiding everyone back to Rachel's house.
"I just don't understand why you had to be the one who was texting her?" Quinn whined.
Finn groaned, fighting the urge to smash his fist on the dashboard. He was sure this had been the only topic of conversation for the whole drive over to Rachel's place and he was tired of having to defend his actions – which weren't even remotely challenging his relationship with Quinn.
"Because I'm the Glee co-captain. And she's the other one and it doesn't look like anyone else took it upon themselves to find out what was happening does it?"
"Why do you even care so much?"
"I don't" he lied, as his heart thumped out 'I do, I do'.
"You obviously do. I mean –"
"Look Quinn, just drop it ok. Yes I texted her but it was to find out why she hasn't been at Glee. You know as well as I do that we need her if we want to even have a chance of getting to New York this year." Finn cut her off unwilling to have Quinn examine his already jumbled emotions any more than necessary. It would only end in an even bigger argument and there were only so many things he could deal with at one time.
"Fine" Quinn grumbled and Finn knew this wasn't going to be the last of it - but for now it would enough.
He made the left turn into the Berry's street and watched in the rear-view mirror as the rest of the entourage followed his lead.
He pulled up in front of the house but was surprised to find the lights off – every other house on the street had a soft yellow glow emitting from the front windows. He threw the truck into park and jumped out as the rest of the gleeks met on the path outside the house.
His eyes though were no longer fixated on the windows, but on the white wooden sign staked in the frown lawn with the words "For Sale" printed in bright red, bold lettering splashed across the front.