Hime-sama

by: Bakunawa

XIII. Crack Tales: Little Red Riding Hood

Once upon a time there was a little boy who lived in a village hidden in leaves. Whenever this little boy went out he would always wear a red riding cloak, so everyone in the village hidden in leaves called him Little Red Riding Hood.

"I refuse to be called such a name," the little boy (who is actually a tall young man of sixteen) said, frowning at the heavens.

It's still not your turn, Sasuke-kun. And you don't have a choice at the matter. You're playing the titular character. Whether you like it or not, we're calling you Little Red Riding Hood.

"Don't break the fourth wall, idiot," someone hissed from the background.

Let us now continue with the tale...

One morning, Little Red Riding Hood asked his mother if he could go to visit his brother as it had been awhile and they heard that his nii-san had fallen sick.

"That's a good idea," his mother said. So they packed a nice basket for Little Red Riding Hood to take to his brother.

When the basket was ready, the teenage put on his red cloak and kissed his mother goodbye.

"Remember, go straight to your brother's house," his mother cautioned. "Don't dawdle along the way and please don't talk to strangers! The woods are dangerous."

"I'm almost jounin level, mom," said Little Red Riding Hood, "I think strangers should be careful of me."

"I don't think those lines were on the script, honey," Mikoto whispered, sweatdropping.

"I really don't care. We are not even supposed to be in this ridiculous fanfic either," the boy scoffed.

Mikoto covered her youngest son's mouth before he could get another word out. "That's enough now. Just go to your brother's house like a good little boy and don't upset Bakunawa-san with these nonsense talk, 'kay sweety?"

Another murmur from Little Red Riding Hood before picking up his basket. Mikoto sighed but ushered her youngest son out.

Little Red Riding Hood made his way towards his older brother's home cottage just a little way out of the village gates. But when he noticed some lovely flowers in the woods, he forgot the promise to his mother not to dawdle.

"I don't not recall making any promises," the young man in red yelled to the sky, "And don't you even think about making me bend down just to pick some fucking flowers."

Well, poo you, I'm the writer and I get to be god in fanfiction.

And so Little Red Riding Hood began picking a flowers, watched the butterflies flit about for awhile, listened to the music the birds and the frogs make and then picked a few more flowers until he was able to bunch a lovely bouquet with the skills he secretly acquired from flower arranging classes.

"Damn you to hell!" Little Red Riding Hood growled.

Suddenly, a wild kitsune appeared. "You know, you really had it coming, teme," she said, "And stop breaking the fourth wall."

"What are you doing out here, Naruto?" Little Red Riding Hood turned to his blonde teammate in a ridiculous fox costume. He was also trying but failed to hide the huge ass bouquet of flowers behind his back.

"And that was supposed to be my line!" Naruto exclaimed.

"Then if you must know, I'm on my way to see Itachi who lives in a cottage in the forest, near the brook," Little Red Riding Hood replied, "and don't ask why the hell is he living there when it's perfectly logical to live inside the village when you are an A class jounin with a pretty big name in other countries' bingo books."

Naruto, or better known as the kitsune in this story, closed her mouth with an audible snap.

"And if you would excuse me, I'm already late with this appointment with my brother."

"Nice bouquet. I'm sure Itachi will love it." Naruto snickered, teasing.

"Damn you!" Little Red hissed to the skies again as he stomped down the path to his brother's house.

The kitsune, in the meantime, took a shortcut. She was a little out of breath from running when she finally arrived at Itachi's place. She knocked on the door lightly.

There was silence.

Naruto knocked a little harder.

Still no answer.

The kitsune let herself in. Poor Naruto did not have time to say another word, before a trap was sprung!

Itachi poked his head from behind the coach he was hiding from. "Naruto-hime? What are you doing here?"

"Ita-nii~" Naruto whined, tears brimming at the corners of her eyes, from where she was tied up from shoulders to ankle upside down, "Do you really have to set a trap for me?"

"Apologies, hime-sama," Itachi said as he came to untie the kitsune from the ceiling. "It's just safety precautions. Living in a cottage in the middle of the forest tends to attract the wolves."

"Well, obviously, I'm not a wolf so get me down!"

Itachi chuckled, noting the furry fox costume as he lowered the girl down and untied the yards and yards of rope.

"So what brings a fox-or should I say little vixen-to my humble abode?" Itachi asked.

"You're younger brother, Little Red Riding Hood-wow, that's a mouthful! He's coming to visit you and he should be arriving soon if he isn't sidetracked... or if he keeps his mouth shut long enough." She whispered the last part to herself.

This earned a confounded look from the older Uchiha.

"So I figured I'd set a prank on him or something. Wanna help me out?"

Itachi took a moment to consider, head tilted to the side and lips pierced in contemplation. The next second, he agreed with a mischievous grin on his usually stoic face.

A few minutes later, Red Riding Hood knocked on the door. The kitsune jumped into bed and pulled the covers over her nose. "Who is it?" she called in a deeper voice.

"It's me."

"Little Red Riding Hood! Do come in, brother," croaked the kitsune, pretending to be sick.

"My name is not Little Red Riding Hood," Little Red Riding Hood hissed again, an angry red vein was throbbing on his forehead as he entered the little cottage.

The moment he saw his older brother, he could scarcely recognize him.

"Nii-san, your voice sounds... odd. Is something the matter?" he asked.

"Oh, I just have touch of a cold," squeaked Naruto adding a cough to prove the point.

"But nii-san! What big ears you have," said Little Red Riding Hood as he edged closer to the bed.

"The better to hear you with, lil' bro," replied the kitsune.

"But nii-san! What big blue eyes you have," said Little Red Riding Hood narrowing his eyes.

"The better to see you with, lil' bro," replied the kitsune.

"But nii-san! What big teeth you have," said Little Red Riding Hood.

"I do not!" roared the kitsune and she leapt out of the bed, fangs and all. The prank she had in mind all gone.

Almost too late, Little Red Riding Hood realized that the person in the bed was not his older brother, but a ticked off Naruto in a fuzzy fox costume.

He ran across the room and through the door, shouting, "Help! It's the Kyuubi no Yoko!" as loudly as he could. He stopped on his tracks abruptly. "The hell am I running for?" he said, turning around and stomped back inside the cottage.

Meanwhile, the Hokage of the village, who was chopping logs nearby for no apparent reason, heard a cry for help and ran towards the cottage as fast as he could. And he was pretty fast, if you know what I mean.

Upon his arrival, he was surprised to see his only daughter in an appalling fox costume battling it out (Valley of the End style) with Uchiha Fugaku's youngest son.

"Hokage-sama," the calm voice of Uchiha Itachi said, "Lovely day for a stroll, isn't it?"

"Itachi!" Minato nearly jumped out of his skin when the older of the Uchiha sibling appeared right beside him. But he did not just because that would have been uncool for a Hokage. "Oh, yes," he agreed, "It is a lovely day for strolling... and for chopping wood too!"

Itachi nodded his head his agreement instead, a single sweat dropped from his forehead.

"But Itachi, tell me, why is my daughter currently gnawing on Little Red Riding Hood's head? Aren't you worried about your cottage? It's almost beyond repair!"

"The cottage is just fine, Hokage-sama. This is fanfiction after all."

"Your reasoning make absolutely no sense but I'll acquiesce to your logic anyway."

Both men nodded in mutual agreement.

"But Itachi, I would really have to break this fight."

"Of course, sir," Itachi bowed, taking a step back as the Hokage grabbed the kitsune by her big fuzzy ear.

"Young lady, you have some explaining to do."

"Daddy, ow~" Naruto whined.

"Oh Itachi, I was so scared!" sobbed Little Red Riding Hood, "And have no idea why I just said that. Damn you to hell and thousand times over, Bakunawa!"

"There, there, Little Red Riding Hood. No need to break the fourth wall."

"The fuck I care about a damn wall! And for the last time, my name is not Little Red Fucking Hood!"

"You've learned an important lesson," Itachi continued, choosing to ignore his younger brother's dismay, "And I have not a clue as what to that is."

"Fuck you all..." Little Red Riding Hood whimpered.

The Hokage dragged out his daughter, the kitsune, and took her back to the village where he wouldn't bother Uchiha brothers any longer.

Little Red Riding Hood and his older brother had a nice picnic and a long chat about the finer points in life.

It was more of a long drone from Itachi while Little Red Riding Hood contemplated between suicide and murder.

The end.

Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto or Little Red Riding Hood.