The first two weeks after the shuttle crash proved uneventful in Delta Quadrant terms, and Chakotay was profoundly grateful for this respite from ship wide crises at such a crucial time for his new 'arrangement' with Kathryn. Their appetites for each other were well matched, probably due to their unspoken understanding that there were three years of enforced celibacy they were entitled to make up for, when circumstances allowed.
At the beginning of their involvement, she had suggested they have a meeting in his quarters to lay down some ground rules. She had made it very clear that they had to adhere to the 'only in their quarters' rule, with absolutely no exceptions.
No stray hands in the ready room; no trying out that couch in his office; no lifting her onto that long table in the conference room; no fumbles in the weapons lockers; no bouncing off the walls of the Jeffries tubes; no hoisting her up to straddle him in the turbo lift; no sequestering themselves in the science lab to undertake dubious 'research'; no chancing it inside those huge storage containers in Cargo Bay 2; no simultaneous shore leave in rooms with connecting internal doors; no away missions alone in a shuttle craft; no pushing her up against the wall of the changing room in his boxing programme; no pulling her into the shower in there with him after a fight...
After they'd recovered from her recital of the list, lying together less than half-dressed in a tangle of entwined limbs on the sofa in his quarters, she reminded him that they weren't teenagers and if she ever felt their 'arrangement' was distracting her from her focus as captain, then it would have to end. He tried hard not to let the seriousness of this warning be undermined by the manner of its delivery; her mind might well have been focussed exclusively on captain-like concerns, but her body was still reclining invitingly, mostly on top of him, sporting very little of her black lace underwear, and even less of her uniform. He had to concede that he was impressed; after three years of barely suppressed fantasies, his list was a little longer perhaps, but Kathryn's was definitely more creative, he'd never even considered the science lab, or those containers... She was still talking, so he tuned back in.
No holodeck dates either, since sealing the doors was an impossibility without arousing suspicion, as was spending too much of their leisure time together.
He continued to play hoverball with B'Elanna, and play pool in Sandrine's with Ayala or Paris. She continued to take breakfast with Tuvok occasionally, and sometimes shared meals with Kes, and they agreed there should be one weekly dinner together, taken in plain sight in the mess hall.
The only crewmember she said she was wary of, was that disarmingly perceptive Talaxian. She said she was convinced he feigned naivety at times, and his role as chef meant he simply had more opportunities to observe them together at length when they were off duty in the mess hall. Chakotay tried to reassure her; he didn't think Neelix would pick up on anything.
Paris and B'Elanna were his main concerns. The helmsman had always had a sixth sense for certain matters, and B'Elanna just knew him too well. For those first two weeks, Chakotay made sure he kept himself in check around his friend, determined not to allow her to see any abrupt changes in his mood or his outlook on their life on the ship. He told Kathryn he thought he had it under control.
As for Paris, Chakotay suggested that if she were to continue to publicly refuse his invitations to dinner with a sympathetic pat, that might be enough to convince the pilot that nothing was changing between them. She failed to suppress a smile and said she didn't used to do that...did she?
A month later she sent him on an away mission and they lost contact with his team for three days.
When they did finally locate him he was unconscious and barely breathing, his skin grey, covered in some sort of volcanic ash. It took the Doctor and Paris over an hour to even stabilise him. As soon as she had been assured he was out of danger, she left sickbay and didn't return.
He spent a further forty-eight hours confined to sickbay. Later, when the Doctor informed her he would only grant the Commander's request to be released to his quarters if someone agreed to monitor him for the first four hours, she sent B'Elanna. If Tuvok hadn't insisted that she take breakfast with him on the second day, Kathryn would have gone almost two days without consuming much more than coffee.
When Chakotay returned to duty, for three days she avoided him wherever possible, refused to talk to him about anything other than ship's business and she slept in her own quarters again. He tried and tried to talk to her, but she wouldn't answer her door to him and cut him off the minute she ascertained that his comm calls weren't work related.
They were some of the longest three days he'd ever spent on the ship.
He went to bed alone again on the fourth night, but awoke in the small hours to find he couldn't roll onto his back, because her sleeping form was moulded to him.
She told him about her first fiancé. He held her as she sobbed uncontrollably for hours.
Two months later, during some less than successful trade negotiations, he lost the plot and decked an alien lothario who insisted on pawing her. Later, in her quarters after dessert, she forgave him.
The fact their arrangement obliged them to keep their relationship secret added an undeniable tension. As the weeks went by and their connection grew stronger still, keeping his own hands off her in public was harder some days than others.
Inevitably, the illicit thrill of the forbidden heightened their already intense level of desire for each other, and when days were uneventful, the end of the shift couldn't come soon enough. Once inside their quarters, clothes would start to fly seconds before the computer had finished announcing it's acknowledgement of their now familiar instruction.
Their arrangement also forced them both to give award-winning performances to the crew on a regular basis. They both enjoyed their public greeting each morning; it became like a scene in a piece of improvisation, neither one knowing exactly what the other might throw in that day.
"Good morning, Captain, how was your evening?"
"Very stimulating, thank you, Commander."
"Oh? How so?"
"I've found a wonderful old novel in the database, it has been something of a revelation actually."
"Old?"
"Well, it's a relative term, Commander, old enough."
"And it's a revelation, you say, would you care to expand on that?"
"Oh, well, there's an unpredictability to it that's surprised me and had me breathless with anticipation."
"Really?"
"It just keeps getting better with each chapter. Some of the techniques the author employs are truly inventive."
"Well I'm delighted you've found enough to keep your interest in this ancient work of art, Captain."
"Oh, I'm certain it'll be one I keep rather than recycle."
"I should hope so!"
It kept them entertained on slow days, when there was nothing but space to cross and routines to follow.
She seemed to have fully embraced her role as the politely tolerant and eternally unattainable object of his attentions, and came up with ever more inventive excuses each time for patronisingly declining his regular, public invitations. In fact, he suspected she was rather enjoying it. Unsurprisingly, he was utterly believable as her hapless suitor.
Having her there to talk to, to make love to and to hold, got him through so many days of delta quadrant conflict, confusion and alien madness; days that would've taken so much more of a toll on him, in so many ways, if she hadn't been there to patch him up and rejuvenate him, and to push him out of bed to do it all over again the next morning. He firmly believed they were more resilient together than either could possibly have been apart.
Near the end of the third year of their journey, he was abducted from the mess hall by a saurian alien and, once again, they had no idea where he was for days.
She was occupied twenty-four hours a day dealing with the Voth authorities and desperately trying to keep her crew from being imprisoned and her ship impounded. She coped on automatic pilot and refused to countenance the possibility he wouldn't return. They got him back in one piece and fully conscious this time, before she'd had time to become desperate.
The week that followed was unusually uneventful and allowed them the luxury of a succession of quiet dinners and very early nights. She certainly knew how to leave him in absolutely no doubt about just how much he'd been missed.
At the beginning of their fourth year in the Delta Quadrant, they clashed over the Borg.
They tried at first to keep it separate, but, within hours, the debate spilled over into their off-duty time, what there was of it. It was just too much to deal with, so she retreated; he didn't try to stop her.
Then the cube she was on exploded and she was seriously injured. He stood over her unconscious form in sickbay and cursed their situation. Struggling to achieve some objectivity, he decided on a course of action he knew she would vehemently disagree with. When it was all over, he apologised repeatedly for disobeying her orders, keeping to himself his conviction that his actions had probably saved their lives, but it wasn't enough. She shut him out.
He sensed her resolve to keep him at arms length finally faltering, when Kes's sudden departure left her distraught. She didn't resist when he pulled her into his arms.
Only a month later, his shuttle disappeared yet again, on what should have been a routine away mission.
He'd been abducted and subjected to a sophisticated programme of propaganda pertaining to an alien conflict he'd been coerced into fighting in.
When they finally got him back, he was a wreck and he knew it. Night after night his nightmares disturbed her sleep, so he begged her to go back to her own bed. She refused. She said she just couldn't bear to leave him alone. She was clearly beyond exhausted. For two weeks, she survived on coffee and then more coffee. Gradually, with her support, he dragged himself back to his life on the ship.
Six months later, they made contact with the Alpha Quadrant. She received a letter from her former fiancé telling her of his marriage. She told Chakotay she was genuinely happy for Mark, and relieved for herself.
Chakotay received a letter from a Maquis friend, telling him of the massacre of almost all the remaining Maquis and their families.
In a vision quest, his father told him he should open himself completely if he believed he had found the woman he wanted to spend the rest of his life with. In bed that night, he finally told her something about the life he'd led before they met. He told her things he'd presumed he would carry with him unspoken to the grave.
Eleven months had passed since the shuttle crash that had marked the beginning of their relationship, and he tentatively asked her whether she still felt the same about being open with the crew. She sighed and went silent on him. He dropped it.