Half way through the seventh year of their journey, as they did their best to meet all the challenges presented by their lives as a co-habiting command team, crossing one of the most unpredictable and lawless regions of space in human experience, it all fell apart.

After a great deal of reflection, and a lot of circular and frequently interrupted conversations, Kathryn and Chakotay had decided to go ahead with the re-implantation of the foetus the Doctor had placed in stasis. Kathryn had suggested they wait until after the away mission they had just scheduled, so Chakotay could be with her for the procedure.

When Chakotay and his away team returned to the rendezvous co-ordinates, Voyager wasn't there.

When they eventually tracked the ship down, they found no one aboard but the Doctor. It was a further three weeks, before they finally located the crew, on an innocuous looking planet called Quarra. They had no memory of their lives on Voyager.

Kathryn had a monotonous job in a reactor plant and had moved in with a man she had met on her first day at work there, a few weeks earlier.

Chakotay understood that the crew had been victims of sophisticated memory manipulation.

He understood intellectually that Kathryn had not been herself, since her memories of her life history, and consequently her sense of self, had been significantly altered. He was strong man, with considerable personal reserves he could call upon, but the experience of finding the woman he loved living happily with another man felled him.

He tried and failed to conceal his feelings. He cursed himself for having insisted, three months earlier, that he and Kathryn reveal their relationship to the crew. Now, they would be obliged to live out this hell in public.

After her memory had been restored, he forced himself to go to sickbay, to walk with her back to her quarters. At first, she wouldn't look him in the eye and then, when they were behind closed doors and she finally did, she wept and wept. She seemed so unlike herself he actually began to worry that some kind of permanent damage had been done to her mind, to her personality. She told him she was sorry. So sorry. She said she felt different, off-balance, guilty, deeply disturbed by what had happened. Then she said she didn't want to talk about it anymore; she just wanted to forget the whole, miserable business. Then she said she was sorry again. And again. He reassured her he understood what had happened, and she had nothing to apologise for. He knew she wasn't hearing him.

Chakotay sighed. Letting go of guilt wasn't exactly her strong point.

Weeks went by, and rather than move on together, they drifted further apart. Despite weeks of 'normality' back on the ship, all she would say was that she still didn't feel like herself. She made it abundantly clear she couldn't face intimacy; she bristled every time he came near her. When she wasn't on duty, she told him she just wanted to sleep, in her own bedroom. Occasionally, late at night he would wake to find her sliding silently under the covers with him, to sleep in his warmth, just so he would hold her. He told himself that was something at least.

Every time he tried to talk to her, she said she was fine, and she just needed more time. He told her she wasn't fine, and if she didn't want to talk to him, then maybe she should talk to someone else. That comment earned him a look he didn't want to see again, so he stopped saying it. No one but Kathryn had ever been able to make him feel that foolish. Probably because no one else's opinion had ever mattered as much.

He sought solace and answers in a vision quest, but his father was illusive this time. Chakotay's spirit guide said that he shouldn't retreat from the inner depths and the darkest recesses of the enemy. He sighed and wished that for once she might say something a bit more practical, and a bit less enigmatic. He had no idea how to apply that particular piece of wisdom to his current situation.

He avoided socialising with the rest of the crew for the first two weeks that Kathryn was back. It wasn't really intentional. He usually spent some of his off-duty time with Mike, B'Elanna and Tom, and occasionally with the former members of his crew if anyone arranged a get-together. Invitations to socialise with all these people still came his way, but he just found he had no desire to accept them. He spent too long boxing in the holodeck and too long reading in his quarters. That's what they felt like again; his. Kathryn had shut Ayala's door.

Then, at the end of the second week, he admitted to himself that he was spending time in his quarters because he was waiting for her to come through the door. And it was slowly driving him crazy, so he went out.

On the calm days, between their regular ship-wide crises provoked by aliens or unfamiliar stellar phenomena, during his off-duty hours Chakotay became a regular in Sandrine's. He played more pool with Ayala and Paris than he had in years. He knew Mike wouldn't ask him about anything unless he first volunteered information. Paris was another matter. At first, Tom had the good sense not to try and broach the subject of Chakotay's relationship with Kathryn, so he was able to find some sort of relaxation there. As the days turned into weeks however, Chakotay began to feel like Tom was watching him, and building up to saying something, so he started to avoid him.

B'Elanna was less tactful. After Chakotay had started to avoid Tom, she came in one night when Ayala and Chakotay were playing pool, and she ambushed him when he went to the bar. She refused to let him change the subject. She told him people were saying it was obvious the short-lived romance between their commanding officers had burned itself out. He snorted into his drink and said they should mind their own fucking business. She took the drink away from him and dragged him back to her and Tom's quarters for coffee.

Once inside his own quarters, he lay on his back on his bed, his mind blank. His self-respect prevented him getting drunk in front of the crew, but it was lucky Kathryn was still using up his replicator rations for coffee, because at that moment, he might actually have been tempted to replicate some liquor.

A month later, Chakotay was stranded on a primitive planet with Seven for three days.

Seven seemed to develop a marked interest in him; it was so blatant, that even he noticed.

On their return to the ship, she continued to seek him out at meal times each day, and attempted to engage him in conversation on a wide range of topics. Whenever he had business in astrometrics, she would keep him talking for minutes on end, enquiring about his duties; his interests; his spiritual beliefs; the cultural heritage of his tribe; their decision to move off-world. The list of things she wished to be informed about seemed quite without end. He was incredulous. She'd never shown the slightest inclination to get to know him before. He felt vaguely as if he was being interviewed, for a job he hadn't applied for.

He answered her questions, slightly bemused. He was completely preoccupied with trying to figure out how to get through to Kathryn, however, so there wasn't much space in his head to worry about what Seven's motives might be.

Seven requested an audience with the Captain.

Seven stated that she been informed by several members of the crew, that the Captain and the Commander were no longer romantically involved. Now that the Captain was no longer engaged in a liaison with him, Seven wished to know if it would be acceptable to the Captain, for her to approach him herself with a proposal.

She explained that following extensive research, she was ready to explore her sexuality, and had selected the Commander as an appropriate first partner.

She thanked the Captain for her guidance and her support for the last three years, and told her that one of her reasons for selecting the Commander was that the Captain clearly held him in high regard, and Seven trusted her judgment. She added that she would not want to cause the Captain any emotional discomfort, so she would not proceed, unless the Captain's feelings would not be affected by the Commander becoming intimately involved with another crew member. She also wished to know if the Captain considered her choice to be a wise one.

She enquired as to how long it was customary to wait, before approaching someone who had just ended a relationship elsewhere. She said she did not wish to offend the Commander's sensibilities, by suggesting an intimate relationship, if it would be considered too soon. She needed to know what the conventions dictated. It had not been possible to ascertain this information from the data base. Would three months be sufficient?

Stunned by this speech, Kathryn replied that it would be inappropriate for her to discuss with Seven, the status of her relationship with the Commander.

Seven regarded her calmly for a moment, and then thanked her. She said that such a response provided her with enough information from which to proceed. She would review the results generated by her initial search parameters. Then she left.

Kathryn went into the bathroom and promptly threw up.

Two days later on the bridge, Kathryn overheard Tom Paris quizzing a squirming Harry Kim about his first date with Seven.

The following day, Chakotay had just turned the bridge over to Tuvok at the end of his shift, and was in the turbo lift on his way to deck three, when his communicator chirped.

"Sickbay to Commander Chakotay."

"Chakotay here."

"Can you come down here immediately please, Commander, I've got a…. situation."

"Acknowledged. What sort of a situation, Doctor?"

"I'd rather tell you in person, Commander. Please hurry."

"On my way."

The doors of sickbay opened, to reveal the Doctor immediately in his path. He ushered Chakotay to the far side of the room, and spoke in hushed tones. "Commander, I'm glad you're here."

"What have you got, Doctor?"

"See for yourself."

The Doctor nodded towards his office and Chakotay looked across to see the back of Kathryn's head. She was sitting at the Doctor's desk, facing his monitor. Chakotay looked back to the Doctor for an explanation.

"She won't let me in. She's sealed the door. When I attempted to bypass her command codes with my medical override, she threatened to decompile my programme. She hasn't threatened me with that in years, she's really not herself, Commander."

"How long has she been here?"

"About half an hour."

"What did she come in for?"

The Doctor looked uncomfortable. "She asked to see the extrapolated holographic projection again. It's hard to see the monitor with her in front of it like that, but I believe she was viewing the projections from birth to age three again."

"I see."

"I'm sorry, Commander, I realise this is difficult for you. If I'd suspected this would happen, I wouldn't have allowed her to view them, but she appeared quite composed, until she locked me out. It's not difficult to see what's going on here, it's clearly some sort of delayed reaction to assimilation, the dilemma around the unexpected pregnancy and her experiences on Quarra, but knowing all that doesn't mean I can help her, unless she agrees to talk to me. Which we both know is unlikely."

"Thank you, Doctor, I'll deal with this."

"Of course. Computer, deactivate EMH and set for reactivation in one hour."

The Doctor shimmered out of existence.

Chakotay walked up to the Doctor's office and tapped gently on the glass. Kathryn didn't react. He tapped again and said her name. She turned her head and took him in. She stared blankly at first, and then seemed to make sense of what his being there meant.

"Open the door, Kathryn."

Once they were back in her quarters, she announced quietly that she was tired and just wanted to sleep, so she was going to bed. He knew that was his cue for dismissal, but he'd had enough of being excluded. It seemed to him like she'd had enough sleep recently to make up for more than twenty years of her insomnia, and all this time on her own she thought she needed just wasn't doing her any good. So left her and returned to his quarters. He gave her enough time to complete her night-time routines, did his own, then opened Ayala's door and went into her bedroom.

It was dark and she was already in bed, curled on her side, facing away from where he stood. He climbed in next to her and pulled her against him. She turned in his embrace, slid her leg between his and slotted herself into his body, almost climbing on top of him. Her small body was cool against his skin, her hands and feet were ice. After a while he could feel her warming up as she absorbed some of his body heat. It was so good just to hold her again. Eventually she spoke.

"Do you want to see the projection yet?"

He looked down at her, she was looking straight ahead into the darkness, eyes wide open.

"Do you need me to see it? Would it help?"

"I don't know." Her voice cracked, and the sound pulled his heart open a little.

"Don't you think it might be easier if you didn't view it again? Until you're ready?" He suggested gently.

She didn't reply, but just buried deeper into his warmth. He tried to keep the depths of the exasperation he felt out of his voice, as he spoke softly to her again. "We need to move on, Kathryn. We can get past what happened on that planet, we can find a way together if we talk about it, but you need to let us move on. Please." This time, after only a few of seconds silence she whispered her reply.

"Okay."

"Then, you won't need to look at the projection, we'll get back to where we were, and then, one day, not too long after that, you can look at the real thing."

He watched as her eyes shut and he pulled her closer and felt her body shudder. As he allowed his own eyes to close, he prayed that when she was done weeping she would let him in; prayed that she would find her way back to him and to her life on the ship.

A few weeks later, as they neared the end of the seventh year of their journey, Admiral Janeway arrived from the future and threw them all into confusion yet again.

When Kathryn remained unconvinced by the course of action put forward, the Admiral decided to share enough of the future she came from, to ensure her plan would be adopted. Her tactics were ruthless.

She stood rigid in the corridor, and hit Kathryn relentlessly with the details of trauma after trauma, reciting a catalogue of death and tragedy from her past. She knew that Kathryn would do everything within her power to prevent this past from becoming the future for herself and for her crew.

In three years time, on an away mission, Seven of Nine would be injured. She would make it back to the ship, but would die in the arms of her husband, Harry Kim. Harry would never recover from this loss.

Between that day and the day she got Voyager home, she would lose twenty-nine crewmembers.

Then there was Tuvok, he was suffering from a degenerative neurological disease he hadn't told her about, a cure for which existed in the Alpha Quadrant. Without this cure he would go slowly insane.

And what of her own life?

In a few months time, she and Chakotay would decide to make the most of what happiness they could grasp and would get married. She would choose to go ahead with re-implantation of the foetus and she would have a child.

Two years after that, in a catastrophic encounter with the Fen Domar, she would send her husband on an away mission from which he would not return.

They would never find his body.

Another year down the line, they would encounter a species who had never seen children.

The Admiral refused to share with Kathryn what would happen, but she stressed that it would traumatise the whole crew and would be something she, B'Elanna, Tom, Sam Wildman, six other crewmembers would never recover from.

All she would add, was that in the immediate aftermath, there would be one unsuccessful suicide attempt and one member of the crew would succeed in taking their own life.

Then the Admiral slipped her hand inside her jacket, pulled out a small locket and opened it.

Kathryn stood bewitched by the single image it held.

They both knew the Admiral had already won.

Kathryn worked late into the night with the Admiral. They resolved to devise a plan that would allow them to have their cake and eat it. They would travel through the transwarp hub to the Alpha Quadrant, and collapse it from within leaving only destruction in their wake.

And within hours, that was exactly what they had done.