Hey everyone. Sorry for the chapter delay. Here's the first chapter so enjoy!
This will be my last warning. There is rape in this fiction, self-harm, bullying, violence, drugs (probably), mental illness and abuse. Please read at own discretion.
I was walking through the gauntlet. Hungry wolves ready to pounce on helpless prey. Their eyes watching my every movement as I passed.
Outcast. I guess that's what I was. I wasn't friendly and outgoing like my idiot of a younger brother. I didn't try to impress, I spoke how I felt even if it ostracized me. Why should I lie to not only to others but myself just to get face? This place was filled with a whole bunch of fucking useless bastards anyway, why should I care?
My sight blurs for a moment. My head span as if I rode the teacups for at least ten minutes, a headache mushrooming in my skull. I felt a little nauseous.
I turned off into the restroom. The scent of bodily excrements lingered in the air. Making my way to the sink to turn on the faucet. Slipping my long slender, almost girlish, fingers under the stream of water. Feeling the cool liquid envelope them. Cupping my hands, I gathered a small amount of water into the makeshift bowl before leaning forward and splashing my face. Placing my hands on either side of the stainless steel sink, gently closing my eyes waiting for the dull throbbing to pass.
"Looking a little pale, aren't we, mon cher."
I literally felt my stomach drop. Acid crept up my throat, bitter on my tongue. My whole body tensed just to the sound of his voice. I lift up my head to glance in the mirror, my gold eyes meet with deep blue irises. Wavy blonde hair was tied back into a low ponytail. A few strands escaping and settling loosely around his pretty boy face. Francis leaned nonchalantly against one of the stalls frames, crossing his arms in front of his chest. An eyebrow raised quizzically almost as if he was mocking me.
I turned off the tap, wiping the dampness off with the back of my long sleeve. I didn't have time for this shit. Ignoring him I walked past, avoiding all eye contact hoping he would just let me on my way. God isn't that gracious though. A strong grip latched itself to my arm. Fear spiking in my veins, sharp as blades of glass. Hesitantly I turn to look back at him. His face stoic but his eyes held a subtle venomous glare.
The final warning bell sounded. Shit, I was late for last period.
I tear my arm away from his grip, "I'm late for class." Just as I reach the door, grasping onto the handle, a strong hand behind me holds it closed. His body heat could be felt through the back of my clothes.
"Where do you think you are going, Lovino?" He whispers my name into my unsuspecting ear. An unpleasant chill creeps up my spine. He pulls my collar, chocking me and throws me into the closest open stall. I land on the toilet awkwardly, the force knocking some of the air out of my lungs. Francis locks the stall door behind himself before turning to me.
The look in his eye was nothing close to comforting. I shrunk back against his gaze. Looming over me, intimidating my short stature. I tried to hide my fear but my body trembled against my will.
"You look so scared, mon cher, like a lost little kitten," He chuckled darkly. "Don't worry." He leaned down. I could feel his hot breath on my face. "I'll be good to you." The back of his hand stroked my face. Goose bumps adorned my flesh with the touch.
A sudden surge of courage came within me. I swatted his hand away. "Fuck off Francis." I pushed myself off the toilet to face him. He was roughly four inches taller then I was. I may only be 5'5" but I'm still growing dammit!
Two long, strong, fingers grip onto my jawbone causing my cheeks to form something close to a pouting face. Leaning down to look me straight in the eye.
"Is that anyway to treat your senior? You're lucky I'm in a gracious mood today. Besides," A lustful smirk spreads on his lips, "I know you love the attention." His hand runs down my side and reaches around to grope my left buttock. I tense up and my body freezes. I raise my hand to slap his face but he catches my hand before it makes full contact. Only my nails graze against his cheek successfully scratching him. Blood begins to swell at the minor wound.
"You'll pay for that." His hand tightens around my wrist. Painfully crippling it from any type of motion in his hold. A dark cast clouding his bright blue irises. My eyes widen with horror as he spins me around, bending me over the toilet. Without pause he pulls down my pants, along with my briefs and inserts a dry finger at my entrance. I grunt from the odd uncomfortable feeling. Shit, I must've pissed him off. Too soon he inserts a second. I quiver at the pain, raw and sharp. Roughly trying to stretch me out, it hurt, it hurt so fucking much. He pulls out his fingers and I hear something unbuckling. "Here's your punishment." Without missing a single beat he fully sheaths himself. I let out a strangled cry. Oh my god, fuck. FUCK FUCK FUCK! Tears sting my eyes. I try to form words, to scream at him to take it out, but my voice is lost. My insides feeling as if they are being ripped apart. "Relax, Lovino." It's not that fucking easy you asshole. I gasp for air. He starts to move.
My legs tremble with each thrust. Skin slapping against each other. I try to grip the toilet to give myself some leverage. He lets out deep husky moans. I let out grunts and gasps against my will. I bite my lip to stop the inhuman sounds to continuing escaping from my mouth, it was humiliating.
"Fuck, Lovino." Francis airily gasps, leaning forwards, his teeth finding the crock of my neck. That was going to bruise. Not much later he releases while moaning my very name. Bucking his hips forward a few more times to ride out his climax. Unwanted warmth fills my insides. Once he pulls himself out, I can feel the semen seep from my now gaping, probably bleeding hole. It felt gross. I collapse down on the toilet. All strength holding myself up was gone.
"Looks like I wasn't the only one enjoying myself." I glance a look at Francis. He nods to the toilet. I look down and see that my own semen has painted the toilet in a thick creamy white. My gut twists.
A hand cups my face and turns my head around. Lips press against my own. Francis's lips. I wanted to vomit, feeling the acid slowly creep up my throat, I really wanted to vomit.
"Thanks for the fun, Lovino." A sick smile plastered on his face. He says before dropping his hand and exiting the stall and leaving the washroom.
I sit there. Slumped against the cold, hard porcelain. Tears burn my eyes. Spilling over, streaking my face. I bite my trembling lip. Trying to hold back to wracking sobs. It was useless. I pull my knees up to my chest, wrapping my arms around them. Trying to hold myself together from falling apart into broken pieces. Hands fisting the material of my hoodie. I am so fucked up. To think I got off from that. From, rape. Rape that I let happen, again. God what is wrong with me? Sick. That's what I am, sick. A twisted fuck. I laugh. It was hysterical. I must be insane. Right? Tears still running down my cheeks as I wear a broken smile.
Dark grey clouds hang in the sky, heavy, waiting to just pour rain on my pitiful self. A gentle cool breeze rustles the leaves in the trees. I leave the school early. There was no way I was going to last period. Walking awkwardly along the sidewalk to my house. This limp was so fucking obvious, Jesus, was this my walk of shame? I rub my eyes; they were slightly swollen coloured with a blotchy red.
"Well, well, well." A deep loud voice calls out. "Look who it is."
Fuck, not today, give me a break.
I turn a little to look behind myself. It was the last person wanted to see. Sadiq. He towered over me, a freaking giant reaching 6'5". Sun kissed honey skin was defined and muscular. His angular features made him the embodiment of what every guy would die to be. He wore ripped denim jeans and a tight black t-shirt that showed how defined his muscles were. The sleeves of his sweater rolled up to his elbow. Tattoos wrapped around his forearms. Not to mention the creepy white mask that he wears to hide his eyes.
"You look like shit. What? Has the little baby been crying," he says in a patronizing baby voice. Laughing as he does so.
"Fuck you." I say with not as much vigor as I hoped.
Sadiq immediately stops laughing, "What was that little shit?" He takes an advancing step towards me.
Fuck fuck FUCK!
Grabbing onto my hoodie, pulling me up on my toes choking me slightly as he bends lower to meet my stature. His breath hot against my face, nostrils flared as a raging bull. "I dare you to say that again to my face."
I stare at his masked eyes. He was forced to wear it once he joined his weird mob cult thing. They dealed with drug hustling and importing gun artillery. He got into too many gang fights and was a threat to the school so he was expelled. Though, this is just the rumor that I heard.
"Fuck you." SHIT SHIT! Shut up Lovino, just fucking shut up!
Sadiq just smirks before raising up his fist. Clenched till the knuckles were bone white, veins popping out slightly and hitting me square on the jaw. The impact sent my head to snap backwards. I spit out bright red blood from my mouth. My left cheek and jaw throbbing in pain.
"Still got that smart mouth of yours I see." Sadiq darkly chuckles.
I look back at him, "And you're still a drug addicted criminal gang piece of shit street rat." Do you want to die Lovino? Seriously?!
Sadiq lets go of my sweater and full on punches me in the gut. I fall back, clutching my abdomen before turning to my side and finally releasing the contents of my stomach. Acid and a slimy film coat my tongue.
A bulky shoe kicks my side, over and over. "You are pathetic." Sadiq says in a quiet yet menacing tone. "You can't even fight back. Worthless piece of shit." He hisses before kicking me once more for good measure and spitting on me before leaving me in a crumpled mess.
I just lay there, hoping he'd come back and beat me some more. I hated this. I just wanted to disappear. A drop of water falls onto my cheek. A few more fall, darkening the cement below my body. Slowly and steadily the rain begins to crash down. I wait a bit before sitting up. My clothes completely drenched and clinging tightly to my body. I slowly stand up, holding my aching ribs with out arm. Stumbling along the broken concrete, ignoring everything, drowning everything out.
I don't even remember how I got to my front porch. I hesitantly grasp the doorknob and twist it open. I try to walk in as quietly as possible.
"Fratello!" A shrill voice calls the moment I close the door. Fuck. "Where have you been? Nonno and I have been worried-Fratello! What happened to your face?" A look of pure horror masks the usually bubbly auburn boys face at the very moment I look at him.
"It's nothing Feli." I say quietly but sternly. I try to walk past except Feli blocks my path.
"Fratello, this isn't nothing!" Similar golden eyes look into mine.
"Just forget about it?" I try to brush it off.
"How can I when this keeps happening? Why don't you tell Nonno or I what's going on? We can help fratello. Don't you realize we care about you?" Feli's eyes glisten with tears.
Yeah right. Nonno has never cared much for me. He only has had eyes for you. The perfect little brother. Got good grades, was kind with everyone, a great cook with Italian cuisine and an amazing artist to boot. Then there's me. The failure. I ruin everything I touch. My mouth just goes off on it's own before I can stop it. No one even puts a second glance at me. They all bow to the great Feliciano Vargas.
I open my mouth to say something but Feliciano beats me to it.
"Are you getting bullied again?"
I grit my teeth, "God, Feliciano. Just shut up! Leave me the fuck alone. It is none of your business! Why don't you just go play with your potato bastard friend? He's the only one who can put up with your constant pestering! Fuck!" I enunciate the last word before roughly pushing past him upstairs.
Feli calls after me but I ignore him completely locking myself in the bathroom. My whole body was racking with shivers. I strip off the wet clothing and throw them into the hamper. I turn on the faucet in the tub, pulling the little lever to turn on the shower. Hot water beats down, I step in and sit there in the tub not even bothering to stand. The feeling of Francis's touch still lingered on my skin. I take the loufa put a generous amount of body wash on it. Scrubbing it against my skin hoping to wash away the trace feeling of fingers touching him. Why do I feel so filthy? Dragging the rough fabric across my body. It won't fucking go away! I scrub harder and harder but his touch lingers. His disgusting hands all over my skin. Feeling me in every place possible. I stop once I see how raw my skin is I turn off the water, grabbing a clean pair of briefs that I always leave in the washroom and sit on the toilet. Not even drying off myself. I open the bathroom drawer. I open Nonnos shaving kit. Pulling out the electric razor and prying out the part that is a mould that gives everything a place. Taped to the bottom is a small but sharp razor. I could have chosen a better hiding place but I doubt that Nonno would even think of me hiding such an object in such a place.
Feliciano and Nonno don't know of this. I've kept it a secret. It's tough especially when you have a family that is very open. I started at 13. I don't know why I did anymore. Maybe it was just to feel something. To escape. That's what it was, an escape. A release from reality. I had to throw out all my t-shirts. It would reveal the scars to anyone who looked. It's a little brutal in the summer but I don't go out much anymore anyways. I even wear long sleeves in gym class. I'm too scared of anyone finding out. I didn't want to be on constant surveillance. I just wanted to fade into the backdrop.
I didn't want to do this again. Each time you do it, there is a risk. But…I need it. I need it so much.
I rip off the tape and grip the razor. I gently drag finger over the flesh of my left forearm. The pale skin was adorned with white scars. Some quite faded. Others fairly fresh and scabbing. I poise the little blade against my arm. Dragging it across with some force. I groan at the euphoric sensation. Head feeling a little light. Blood runs down my arm. Fuck I need more. I do another, and another, and another. I don't stop. Each a little deeper then the one before. I bite down on my lip. The corners of my mouth turning upwards. Watching rivers of blood paint my arm in a brilliant red. Dripping into a dark pool below. All tension slowly releasing it's suffocating grip hold on me.
I finally stop, I lost count to how many cuts I did. Blood was everywhere. Fuck.
I run my arm under some water to wash away the blood, but it wouldn't stop. It just kept flowing. Shit. I take a towel and wrap it around to staunch the bleeding. Not much later bleeding through it completely, fuck.
There's a knock on the door. "Lovino?" A deep voice asks.
I still try to stop the blood.
"Y-yeah?" I reply.
"You've been in there for a while, is everything okay?"
Shit. My head feels really light.
"I'm just not feeling very good." My vision starts to fizzle out, stars forming in front of my eyes. Fuck. Not good, not good. I start to panic. The blood isn't stopping. Why won't it stop? Oh my god. Shit! My limbs start to feel heavy and numb. Perspiration forming on my brow.
"Are you sure? Feli says you came home with some injuries. Do you want to talk about it?" Feliciano and his fucking big mouth.
"N-not…really." I struggle to say. My breathing becoming erratic. Blood was everywhere. Everything is fucking red. Am I going to die? I don't want to die. Oh my god oh my god oh my god. I try to grab onto the sink to steady myself and knock over the shaving kit with a loud crash.
"Lovino? What was that? Are you okay? Lovino?" The door knob jostles, as Nonno tries to let himself in. My legs collapse underneath myself. Shit. Shit. "Lovino? Lovino! Open this door. Fanculo. Aprite questa porta in questo istante!" Nonno starts shouting in frantic Italian. His voice sounds as if he's calling through a tunnel. Becoming more muffled and muffled with each passing second. Is this it? Is this how I die? I guess in a way it isn't so bad. It isn't painful like I thought it would be. Almost numbing actually.
The door finally bursts open.
"Gesù Cristo! Lovino! Che cosa hai fatto? Resta con me! Oh dio, Lovino, per favore non morire su di me!" Nonno frantically calls to me. But it's hardly coherent. Kneeling beside me checking my pulse. "Merda." He mutters under his breath.
"Fratello!" I hear a high pitched scream.
"Feli! Chiamare il 911 ora! Ora!" At this point I only see stars, but I can imagine Feli nodding before running off.
"Lovino. Ascoltami. Non si ha intenzione di morire. Non si ha intenzione di morire su di me…Lovino?...Lo….ino!" His voice drifts further and further away until I can't hear it anymore.
I slip back, underneath black murky water. Slowing sinking lower and lower. Drowning in the engulfing darkness. No sound. No light. No feeling. Nothing except…
Black.
A/N: This was done by google translate so I'm sure it's inaccurate but it makes the story more interesting in my opinion.
Translation:
Mon cher - My dear
Fanculo - Fuck
Aprite questa porta in questo istante! - Open the door this instant!
Gesù Cristo - Jesus Christ
Che cosa hai fatto? - What have you done?
Resta con me! - Stay with me!
Oh dio, Lovino, per favore non morire su di me! - Oh god, Lovinio, please don't die on me.
Merda - Shit
Feli! Chiamare il 911 ora! Ora! - Feli! Call 911 now! Now!
Ascoltami - Listen
Non si ha intenzione di morire - You are not going to die
Non si ha intenzione di morire su di me - You are not going to die on me