*bulletin board*
Well, here we are, this is the M-rated part and, not a coincidence, it's named after the ff's title. I don't remember being particularly satisfied with it but I think it's passable. Anyway, I think the most important part of this story is this particularly gloomy atmosphere...Enjoy it!
05 the unforgettable fire
My room is dusty and messy, alchemical books, ingredients, containers and chalk-written circles spread practically everywhere. When I open the door to the unexpected guest, his eyes anxiously gather all the details of my material misery. I'm unshaven, my clothes are ruined and my appearance is neglected. So is the space I'm living it.
My guest taps back his glasses and looks concerned, wittingly worried. He's not an Alchemist but he's smart enough to put two and two together.
I reassure him that I'm not trying to revive anyone, although I've actually toyed with the idea of human transmutation, rolling it around the fingers of my disordered mind.
After the end of the war, after we separated, I've been tormented and anguished.
All the ghosts of my sins have come back to me, plaguing my sleep and grieving my waking.
Yet human transmutation is strictly forbidden and its mystery is so deep and unfathomable that even the great Flame Alchemist has been left empty-handed. Even Hohenheim of Light's researchers didn't help me and in our correspondence he strongly suggested me to let the dead rest in peace. The price to pay is too high, again, and it would be impossible to bring back to life all the innocent people I have diligently massacred.
Now, my guest seems reassured from my words.
He tries to ask me other things but I hardly reply, I'm not that happy to see him here. Maybe.
Fortunately, just to remember me in which side of the world I currently am stuck to, he shows me (a bit too proudly, to be honest) a glossy apple pie his wife sent me.
His wife.
Sent.
ME.
And he says they're married now.
He's appalled, or so it seems, and I think this is really grotesque.
Because I'd like to ask something very similar to Ehi, fucker, how did you like the two of us ravaging each other's mouth in the middle of the sandy-nowhere? Ehi, you giant asshole, have you ever even mentioned it to your pure, beautiful Glacier?
But I keep my mouth shut.
If on one hand he didn't show me any possibility, I, on the other, never showed him I would have liked to try.
Anyway, honestly, how could I possibly hope something?
How can some stolen kisses in the painful war nights be compared to this fragrant, warm apple pie?
Everything is just buried in the silent deserts of the South.
My dear guest drops his act, stops talking about his usual crap and confesses me that his greatest wish is for me. That he never ceased to think about the greater good I'm destined to. He wants me to be Supreme Commander . He wants me to change all the shit that forced us to subdue a harmless population.
He will do everything that is in his powers and he will keep his steadfast just to me.
His words can still move my latent and drowsy sense of justice, the one so bitterly battered by the war.
Getting to the top is really what I want.
I want to wipe out the megalomania of this warring, violent country. I want to punish the unpunished. My pride and my stubbornness will stand for me,
And all this is what, in fact, I've been knowing for quite a while.
What I really ignore is what Maes Hughes is currently doing in my rooms.
He's in front of me, talking in a friendly distanced fashion that he never revealed to me before, and I hate him for being so polite, so righteous, so fucking virtuous.
How can I forget his hypocrite hands trespassing layers of clothes to brush their shameful fingertips on my bare skin, never crossing a precise line, never adventuring too much ahead, fearing and expecting it at the same time.
Who is this graceful, fake guy in front of me now?
While he talks to me about Central City, about the army, our projects…it grows in me, overwhelmingly, the confused desire confused intimacy.
- Roy, are you listening to me ?-
- Hn. -
I drop my head a little and wait some other glorious words of strategies and victory.
But – and I don't know if here I'm being too pretentious or not too much – is there anywhere a place for my numb heart to rest?
Maes startles, seeming perplexed, and finally looks at me like I wanted him to do from the very start.
His eyes are eventually truthful.
I slowly push my body towards him and he does not avoid our contact.
- I wondered a lot if you had forgotten. – I chuckle darkly – You know, between the distance and the apple pie, one can never know... -
I swear, I did not mean to sound so caustic.
Nonetheless, he seems unimpressed and hugs me back, genuinely.
- Oh, how could I ever forget Roy Mustang?- he almost laughs.
I shake a little while my grip on his shoulders tightens.
- Sometimes, believe me, I wish I could say apple pies have nothing to do with us.- he murmurs, his fingers leaving trails on the back of my neck.
Oh, you don't know how I wish that too.
- But…I've been caring about her for far too long, now.-
Well, not that I expected him to be clearer about it, but I can understand. That woman is his world, his garden, the fruit of his commitment with society.
I daresay he loves us both, but to be honest I don't want to be so hopeful.
I better stay off, I better not think about all the implications.
Since the beginning Glacier has been all I know about Glacier. I never hated her, I never envied her…I never even tried to think about them together.
It's a pure, solid fact of reality, something I distractedly took note of long time ago but never got me interested.
- My family is my duty and forever it will be…- Maes says in a scratchy voice, his chin rested on my neck – And still no apple pie can make me forget you…-
- I told you that time, I repeat it now. Stop talking nonsense. -
I separate (reluctantly) from his shoulders registering with the corner of my mind our slight difference in height.
He looks hurt and I snort, tossing the stupid apple pie somewhere in the little kitchen.
When I come back, Maes Hughes is still awkwardly in the middle of the room, looking at me with an undecipherable expression.
- What do you want?- I ask blatantly.
He sighs and squeezes his eyes under the spectacles.
- You now…- he begins, and my heart sinks again, because something big is arriving and I know -…I kept repeating myself, day after day, that she was the perfect choice, all that I ever desired wrapped up in a perfect present, with the ribbon and all the rest.-
- You're not helping me.- I growl, offended, but he ignores me.
- But deep inside me, I could never let you go. I couldn't force myself to. We met and I can't think of it as a coincidence.-
- So, what? You'll be on my side and together we'll overcome everything? Do you even realize how much lame it sounds?- I spit, angrily, thinking about the amount of time I'm losing after this useless, manipulative jerk.
But he's as stubborn as I can remember and he grabs my hands vehemently.
- Can't you see it, Roy? You…you have a power on me, I never felt like this towards anything!-
- Yet still I can't have you…-
- I KNOW! Listen…I know I shouldn't be here to begin with, I shouldn't say these things, but I can't ignore you, I couldn't help but come here to see you, to talk to you!-
Nice little speech, really, I shake my head in disbelief.
He's trading love - let's say love, it makes everything easier – for success, he's saying this is for justice's sake. And he's ready to support me, no matter what. A part from letting me loving him as I always wished.
Well, knowing that I don't have much choice a part from rotting here in this shitty room, this exchange doesn't seem so bad to me, even if still not equivalent at all.
- We could do this together…You know, I trust you, I'll be like your shadow…-
Suddenly...I find myself wishing strongly for him to remain here with me and I don't really care about this career he's rattling about. It's just that I don't want to be alone anymore.
- Stay, then, - I hear myself say - stay here with me, now. I need it. I need you.-
- I can't…stay…- his voice trails off.
I grasp his hand and forcefully put it on my face, kissing it.
He winces, taken aback.
- Roy…please…this is…wrong…-
I bite his fingers and I make them trace the shape of my lips.
Ah, God only knows how much I desire him in this very moment.
- Please…- he whispers.
- Hush.- I say, almost mercilessly, and I know at once that he won't resist me.
Hughes knows me, he has seen my worst and my best, he can tell that no other human being has ever had the privilege to see me so weak, defeated, needy. The nature and the power of my own craving can't be mistaken, it is clear, I never did anything to hide it.
I fix my eyes upon him and let the man do all the rest.
- I won't lie to you. – he says, very carefully – I'm not promising anything…-
- You never did it…-
- Do you understand what I'm saying?- he asks.
- Yes, I do.- Oh, I'm not that dumb, you idiot, I know what you're implying with your usual politeness.
Disgraceful, dishonorable occasional affair. No interfering, no wedding issues, casual meetings: all the condensed retardness we're capable of if relating to love issues. Great. It will be amusingly destroying.
- And do you fully agree?-
- Yes, I do.- Are there other options? I guess not.
- Shit…- he comments, briefly.
I know I should feel guilty but I can't force myself, I feel somehow lighter.
:::::::::::::::::::::::
He gets far from me slowly; he walks towards the window to close the heavy curtains.
He sighs again, in disbelief I presume, and then he removes carefully his glasses.
Then, he comes near me and finally let all the things flow.
His hands are all over me without further hesitations and before I can even process what's happening, he gently tilts his head and touch my mouth with his tongue, leaving wet marks on my wanting lips.
It's been a long time…and I clearly underestimated the effects of his touch on me...so when he fully kisses me, covering all my mouth, uncontrollable heat inflames my cheeks, my skin, my guts.
Soon the world outside Maes Hughes ceases to be part of my field of vision and everything blurs in a very rapid sequence of events.
While deepening the kiss, we attach one another, and his tongue, touching mine, sends shivers down my spine. We separate, panting, trying to breath, and he stares at me, furiously flushed and as handsome as I never saw him.
He comes to me again, even with more fervor than before; he kisses me, he licks and bites my neck, and pushes me through all the room until my back bangs loudly against the wall.
Now I see why he has always controlled himself: he can be quite intense, but I don't complain when the tip of his tongue draws the tender line of my jaw, from the earlobe to the chin, also nipping strongly at my neck.
We start to pant heavily and the heat becomes pressing as his hands starts to wander all over my body and his groin is suddenly pressed against mine.
- HNN !-I protest, uselessly, biting my lip, while my hand slips under his shirt and presses on his smooth abdomen.
This was never meant to be sweet or beautiful, really, so no wonder he starts roughly to suck on my tongue while our hips grind violently and an unmistakable choir of laments rises from us.
Another cloud of torrid kisses, my brain and pride are washed away and the urge of the instinct emerges in all its hungry essence.
I'm still gasping when his hand slides between our legs and gives friction to my hard, throbbing desire.
- AH! - I moan, and then, I shove him away and I violently grab the cuff of his shirt, dragging him behind me on the way to the bedroom.
I send him forcefully on the bed and I jump on him, clamping his pelvis against mine and tormenting his length through the agony of our covered up skins.
I hastily take my clothes off, so does he, and I close my eyes, feeling, clearly, the outline of his hard sex against mine. They touch, they rub, desperately trying to get rid of obstacles.
Now bare-chested, I lean on Hughes, swallowing, and I kiss him.
So I instantly forget everything.
I don't know these bodies, these two men, this uncomfortable bed, the meaning of an unfair war, the possibility of a secret love.
I can only feel fire scorching my limbs and hardening my cock as Hughes discharges all of our remaining clothes, pins me down to the bad and grasps a hot boiling handful of flesh, writhing with pleasure. Man, I can't say he doesn't know what he wants!
He tads my pale tight and his touch is surprisingly tender as he seizes my testicles – oh…my – and my flushed cock. He strokes it, up and down and I almost jump when he bows himself to lick and suck me impatiently, from the wet, shiny head to the tender folds of my perineum. A brave finger prods me down there, and I moan loudly: inside my flesh churns and pulses with the desire to be filled. Hughes fingers me, and his hips automatically swing, anticipating their moves, then, even if I ask him to go slowly, he tries to gape my hole, and I can't help but cry with pain and pleasure.
His tongue wraps around my cock again, and even if the penetration is hurting, I want it, more and more, and at certain point I hear myself clearly asking for him.
Hughes comes to me, kisses me again, his fingers still delightfully busied with me.
- Control yourself, someone may hear us... - he sighs and I grasp his thick length, feeling it against the palm of my hand, stroking it and pleading him to fill me deep inside. He bites my shoulder and gasps, he could come at anytime now.
- Absurd ... this is absurd ... - he murmurs in my ear, shaking.
- I want you…– I purr as a unashamed response –…fuck…me…-
So he moves aside and he makes me lie fully on my back, lifting my legs a little.
I see his length fully exposed in front of me and I gulp down, impressed, feeling the urge of tasting it.
I close my eyes and my body flinches as soon as his fingers enter me again, preparing me for the last time.
- If it hurts, just say it. I'll stop.- he rattles and I nod, speechlessly.
It takes me quite a while not to feel torn apart as he penetrates me. After a long time of trials and errors, in which Hughes stoically resists to the urge of splashing me with his semen, I can follow through the whole thing. It's a matter of seconds and I'm feeling pleasure whenever he hits a precise spot inside me. I moan louder and louder.
In that moment, his overfilled will spilling, Maes grabs me, no more patient, and thrust his hips inside my lust-filled flesh with growing strength.
We swing in total abandonment against each other, pushing deeper, panting faster as the rhythm gets steadier. My hand floats around the head of my pulsating shaft and only when Maes calls repetitively my name with a low, husky voice, I touch myself, choking my breath in response.
Hughes bends over me, I feel his pubic against my skin and it drives me mad: eyes wide opened,
I feel him hitting the point of no return until a thick gush of semen spurts inside me and splatters my buttocks and legs as Maes keeps shoving frantically.
I cry and my liquid pleasure flies above my stomach and my neck, plastering our trembling skin as we glue together again in a kiss, sticky and fumbling, still shivering with orgasm.
I know I'm looking at the ceiling .
I know there is a fan, a lamps and a terrible green and lemon striped wallpaper, but now I can't see anything; a deep, stunned exhaustion falls on me .
Hughes speaks to me after a long time.
My eyelids are already heavy with a strange sleep when his voice brings me back to the reality.
- How are you? -
- Hnnn ... mmmhhhh... - I mutter , not very convinced .
- Did I hurt you ? -
- Nope - I minimize - just normal business, I suppose. -
- Mpf... - he grumps, rubbing his nose on my cheek. I turn around and kiss him lightly .
He smiles, this time with his eyes too, then closes them and sighs:
- Fuck, I can't get up. -
You could stay I think.
- Stay. - I say immediately.
I limply slip my arm around his waist and we fall slowly fall asleep.
In general, I dare not think about this.
It's easy to say certain things, in the spur of the moment, it's easy to do damages.
I don't know what we will become.
But this corner of warm heaven now saturates me completely and I can finally feel brighter after months of perdition.
And this, for me, is far than enough.