As soon as they settled into a comfortable pace, with Martin consciously shortening his stride so that Louisa could keep up, he continued telling Louisa what his life had been like since he left Portwenn.
"I had no time for the distraction of women until an old medical school friend visiting London asked me to show her around. I was glad to do so. She knew of my haemophobia and my exile in Cornwall. We had kept in touch over the years. She reminds me of a lot of you – warm, bubbly, thoughtful, so full of life."
Seeing Louisa grimace, he added, "She's happily married now, and has remained my friend and confidante. Her name is Victoria. Years after when she moved to London to take up a job, we began meditating together. This led to museum visits, dinners, walks, you name it. One day she invited me home for dinner. I didn't realize we were getting close until I felt myself looking forward to being with her."
He felt Louisa's hand tighten. He stopped, gently caressed it until she relaxed.
"She wanted to say thanks for my generosity, she said. But her real reason was to tell me some truths in private. After dinner, as we sat on her balcony looking across at the lights of London spread out before us, she took my hand and in her warm, kind voice said, 'Martin, you don't love me. To pretend you do is not being true to all the pain you have gone through to overcome the effects your childhood has had on your life. Continue to seek what you need and allow it to come to you. Live in the present and accept what it brings.'
"Anticipating my resistance, she had written a Zen proverb on a slip of paper and left it with me. It read: The obstacle is the path.
"I was crushed. I understood what she meant, but I still thought there was mumbo jumbo in there somewhere. Shortly after, you wrote to say that James was in his last year of high school and asked if you could send him to London in my care and for me to help him to get into Imperial's medical programme. I knew then that I was on the path.
"I understood why James was angry, how difficult it was to ask for help from a virtual stranger. To him, I was the dad missing in action who salved his guilt with generous cheques. I expected the obstacles and vowed to stay on the path. I wanted to open my heart and learn to be a real parent to James. "
There was silence for a while. Neither wanted to break it, until Louisa said, "It's getting late, we'll have to go back soon."
"Let's go back to my hotel and regroup," Martin suggested. As they walked back, he shared what the first two years with James were like.
"Many times I felt like giving up, but I thought of all the nights you had been up with him as a baby, the illnesses, homework, managing your job and family responsibilities, your own pain of rejection by your parents and then me, living on your own with him, the ridicule the villagers must have subjected you to after I left, and I trudged on. I was very grateful to Nathan for looking after you and James, I never wanted you and James to be unhappy.
"James had his frustrations. At first, he had stayed with me until he got a student flat and found a roommate. The distance helped. Sometimes we would study until so late that he stayed over. He was a good student, I was proud of him. After a while he understood why I worked as hard as I did. Yet, deep down he was angry that I had not always been a part of his life. Worse, he felt that I had used and dumped you just like any other sod. He couldn't reconcile that with the great Martin Ellingham people went on about.
"You were the glue that held us together. Neither of us wanted to fail and disappoint you. One night after a particularly grueling study marathon, he stayed over in the bedroom which I had kept as his. When he got up, I was on my mat meditating. I invited him to sit quietly and not disturb me. I don't know for how long he sat there, until he came closer and joined me. Whether it was the chants, the release that comes with relaxed breathing or the energy of the moment, he reached for my hand and said, 'I forgive you. I don't want the burden of holding the disappointments of my life against you.'
"This took me by surprise. His forgiveness was something I had neither sought nor expected.
"Thank you, James, was all I could say. We sat for a long time reflecting on what had happened, until it was time for him to leave. That's when our relationship took a turn for the better. The obstacles had shown us a path we could take. Without us even being aware of it, we began to build a father and son relationship."
By then, they were almost at the hotel. As we crossed into the car park. Martin took my hand, "Come up with me," he pressed. Wordlessly, I followed him
As we passed the Front Desk, the clerk held out an envelope. "A message for you Mr. Ellingham."
When we got to his door, I hesitated, then timidly walked inside. We sat down on the sectional sofa in the lounge of what appeared to be a suite as he carefully opened the envelope: "Mum, won't be coming home tonight. Going to help Adam fix his car. He's prepping for a race next week. If Dad can't take you home, please stay over with Uncle Chris. Sorry for the short notice." Adam and James had been friends since primary school. He worked part-time as an ace engineer and as a skilled racing driver in Truro. I was glad they had remained friends.
I looked around. There were fresh yellow roses on the small dining table, next to a door that led to a kitchenette and a rolled up blanket on the floor next to the window that overlooked the cliffs. Pretty standard, but the furnishing were posh, especially the rug on the wooden floor. The clock on the wall read 4:30 pm.
"Would you like some water, espresso, tea, wine?"
"No, not espresso or wine. They will push me over the edge. It has been an afternoon. Water is fine."
Martin filled glasses with mineral water for us and sat down beside me. "Last night you said you wanted to talk. Now would be a good time. After dinner, I'll take you home. Would you like to freshen up? The bathroom is through the bedroom."
Nervously, I nodded and went in that direction.
The bedroom held a ginormous four-poster bed, covered with a rich wine coloured duvet piled with pillows. His clothes must have been neatly put away because none were in sight. His bathroom was pristine with just one or two toiletries out. When I was through, I returned to the lounge to find Martin waiting on me, eyes closed, head back, his hands outstretched along the top of the sofa.
I walked into his arms, sort of, sat down, took a sip of water and shivered again. "Are you cold? I'll get you a blanket," Martin offered.
"No," I answered, as I tried to compose myself for what was to come.
"Wait just a minute." He disappeared into the bedroom and returned with a lovely, rich navy coloured blanket.
"Keep it beside you. If you feel chilly, you can use it."
"Thanks," I said meekly. With what I planned to say, it might come in handy.
"Louisa, we don't have to do this now. When I start on the Project I'll be coming to Truro twice a month. If you like, we could see each other then." This was the first I was hearing about the Project so Martin brought me up to speed.
"It's my turn now," I said determinedly. When I told him about my talk with James last night, he visibly winced. Grabbing his free hand, I shared some of that conversation and other things buried deep.
"When you left, it took me a long time to get over you. I tried to be strong for James. I loved him even more because he reminded me of the happy times we had shared. I thought that If you saw him, how he looked like you, you would love him instantly. Many times I planned a trip to London, then abandoned it at the last moment. I was scared you would not want to see us. Many times my heart ached just seeing him playing with other children and wishing he had someone to do male things with. Al helped when he could and Bert was happy to have James tagging along. Chris and Jenny had him for weekends as often as they could, but it was not enough."
Martin groaned. "Louisa, please …."
I ignored him because if I stopped, I might never have the courage to do this again.
"One day when he was about four, he asked, 'Why don't I have a daddy? All my friends have daddies.' I didn't know how to answer him."
Martin's hands tightened on mine as I choked at the memory. He wrapped me in the blanket and held me until I calmed down. I took another sip of water, then deep breaths. Remembering it was painful, hearing myself recounting it was hell.
"That's when I decided to put away any thought of your coming back into our life. You were at the top of your profession again and I didn't want to interfere with that.
"At first it was hard opening up to any man, nobody could measure up to you, the real you. I promised myself that I would not allow James to experience the lonely childhood I had. I thought about your childhood, and felt it was up to me to break the cycle. I met Nathan when James was five going on six. He was discovering the outside world and Nathan was just the person for him at that age. They liked each other immediately. He was there for everything. I never loved him for me at first, I loved him for James. Nathan was a good, decent man. He accepted me as I was, still yearning after you, and he was all we could have asked for."
She stopped again. Martin caressed her hand and put his arm around her shoulder until she composed herself.
"Over time, the village had changed, but I always felt it was home. There were many still there who had been kind to me, especially Joan. I couldn't leave her. She was the mother I never had and I couldn't take James away from her."
She poured her heart out, every ache, every hurt, every crisis for herself and James, the people who helped and those who taunted her, only stopping when she could talk no more. Exhausted, she fell asleep in his arms.
When she opened her eyes, she was in Martin's bed, her shoes off and covered with the blanket. She got up, rubbed her eyes, unsure of where she was until she remembered. She washed her face then went in search of Martin. He was stretched out on the sofa, clutching a worn slip of paper with the faded words, The obstacle is the path. Gently she took it from him and sat down beside him with her feet stretched out. A line from Adele's Make you feel my love crossed her mind "... I could hold you for a million years." as she saw how vulnerable and peaceful he looked asleep. She listened to him breathing, watched the half-smile hovering on his lips, until he realized where he was. He looked at her and asked, "Do you feel better now?"
"Yes," she responded shyly. For the first time since they had known each other, all these many years, there was nothing to hide. Everything was out in the open.
"It's time to eat. How about we order room service and I drive you home after?"
"That would be fine."
They ate in silence, occasionally stealing glances at each other. Neither wanted to talk, busy as they were with their own thoughts about the incredible confessions they had made to each other and how it had helped to close the gap time and distance had created.
They drove home in silence, no music, just their breath. Martin had to concentrate on the narrow roads but he would check in with her every now and again to ask, "Are you comfortable?"
When they arrived at her home, Martin took the key from her shaking hand and opened the door. He came in, checked that the windows were locked, gave her a hug and walked through the door. "See you in London at the graduation."
Over the next two months, we spoke on the phone almost every week at first and then most days, usually last thing at night before I fell asleep. I had initiated the first call, then Martin began calling to find how I was doing. I did most of the talking as Martin still wasn't much of a talker. We never talked about us, mostly about James and how our day had been.
My house sale had gone through. I got a good price and this gave me more money in my hands than I had ever had. I was in no hurry to do anything. But even my landlord wanted to know what my plans were. I didn't have any. I had worn out myself worrying. The graduation would be a reprieve from my anxiety, I hoped.