The Daddy Test

Chapter 2

"Hi, Nudge. And oh, you brought Fang," Ella said slowly, looking the man over. "That's so…"

"Fang came to apologize for vomiting when the baby pooped before," Nudge said as they landed on the deck of Iggy and Ella's treehouse.

She was out there, nursing the baby. That in itself about made Fang sick. Women on the island seemed to think that they could just plop their boobs out anywhere and let their little brats suck on them. Disgusting.

Now, if some of the women suddenly wanted to, you know, just walk around shirtless, that was fine. Acceptable. Fang would very much enjoy that. Just so long as they weren't, like, lactating. That's what made it so disgusting.

"I did not vomit," Fang told Nudge, almost frowning at her. To Ella he said, "I want to…improve my relations with your child."

Ella looked to Nudge. "Please explain that to me in a way that doesn't sound perverted."

"He wants to get better at taking care of babies."

"Why?"

"Because Max is all hormonal and jealous," she said. "Now she wants a baby like you and Fang isn't very…good at taking care of things."

"He can't be that bad."

"When we were kids, he and Iggy kept a pet snake in a little box. One day it got out and when Fang found it, he was so angry that he killed it."

Ella held her baby tighter to her chest. "Are you serious?"

Fang just blinked. "Is it about done…eating? Or drinking? I kinda need to hold it."

"No!"

"…No it's not or-"

Nudge put a hand on Fang's arm, silencing him. She had come this far. Ella's maternal fears were not going to stop this!

"Ella," she said slowly, taking a concerned tone. "Think of Max, your dear big sister."

"What about her?"

"Max really wants a baby. What if Fang impregnates her? And he's never learned? You know what will happen then? The baby will cry and make him angry and then Fang will bash its head in.

"I will n-"

"'Shush," Nudge cut Fang's protests off. To the other woman, she said, "Ella, this is important."

"Is Iggy around?" Fang looked into the treehouse then. "I bet he'll let me hold it."

"Stop calling my baby an it."

He just stared at Ella. "Fine. Now let me hold…him."

There was an awkward beat where, as he was waiting to get the baby, Fang saw his girlfriend's sister's nipples, which was not at all like the fantasy most guys have. Fang got the hotter of the two sisters, hands down. Not to mention, Ella was a mom now and stuff. Ew.

"There you go, Jason," Ella mumbled as Fang shifted the baby in his arms, trying to hold it the way he had been shown the other day when he held him. "Be gentle, Fang."

Gentle and Fang went together about as much as olives and ice cream. Shaking his head, Fang started down at the baby, who was staring back up at him with its stupid green eyes and baby face. Fang didn't like babies at all. The other day, Iggy told him that the thing puked on him. Puked! On the person that freaking cares for it. If it would do that, what motivation did the kid have not to do the same to Fang, the person that would rather release him into the wild and let him age up until he was four or five and then take him back?

"See, Ella? He's doing just fine with phase one," Nudge told the other woman.

"Phase one?"

"Yes. Holding the baby."

Fang looked around the deck then, his arms starting to get tired. This baby thing was simple, apparently. Holding it at least. It didn't move at all, which was great. The baby did stink at that moment though, as it reeked of milk. It's mother's milk. Ella's milk. And when Fang had a baby, the baby would smell of Max's milk. It made his slightly nauseous just thinking about it.

Blood, guts, intestines? Fang could do those. His girlfriend producing…milk like some kind of cow or something creeped him the hell out. When he had mentioned this to Iggy once, he told him that he was being immature. Fang couldn't help it though. Max's boobs were for him, not for some…thing that he didn't even want around.

"Good job, Fang," Nudge told him, her voice hollow. She didn't want the man to drop the baby, of course. There was no part of her that wanted to see any harm come to the little Jason, but there was a huge part of her that wanted to see Fang muck something up. That was her whole drive behind this little experiment anyway. It's not like she really cared if Fang was a good father or not. Sure, Max being pregnant would be fun, but not that much fun.

Still, Fang took her seriously and looked back down at the baby. She had said that he had done good after all. Good job, Fang. Ha ha! So see? He was as good as Iggy. Nudge was crazy.

While he was staring down at the baby, Fang started to notice how happy Jason looked. Jason. Jason. He was a pretty alright kid, the man decided then, continuing to cradle the baby. How could he have ever though otherwise?

And then it happened.

"Oh, God, get it out of my arms," Fang complained as they all smelt why the baby had been so smiley. "It stinks. Oh, God, Ella-"

"Suck it up," Nudge ordered him, putting a hand against Ella's arm when she moved to rescue her son. "Smell that shit, Fang!"

"Nudge!" Ella shoved the other woman off her before moving to take her son. "God, what is wrong with you?"

The twenty-two year old just stood there indignantly while Fang opened his wings once more, preparing for a take off.

"I am trying to save the life of Max and Fang's not yet conceived child, Ella. I'm sorry that it's not that much of a concern to you."

"I-"

"Fang, where are you going?" Nudge cut Ella's response off as Fang turned to jump off the deck. "Come back. You have to change his diaper now. It's part of your training!"

"No way." Fang took off into the air, not even looking back. If Fang didn't know better, he'd say that was Gazzy's kid, not Iggy's. Atomic craps much?

"You smell clean."

Fang nodded his head frantically as Max came into their hut. "I had to freaking scrub down."

"Why?"

"Ella's baby pooped while I was holding it again."

Max just blinked as she came to sit down on their pallet with him. In front of him sat a small pile of fruit, no doubt meant to be their dinner. "Why were you holding it?"

He shrugged. "You know, 'cause of you or whatever."

"Me?"

He nodded again, though that time it wasn't as frenzied. "Since you want a baby and everything. I thought that if I-"

"Oh, Fang." She elbowed him in the side. "That's so sweet."

Fang just shrugged again as he reached forward to grab a pear out of the pile. He had waited for Max to eat. You know, the way Angel should have done him.

"So," Max prompted then. "How'd it go?"

"I just told you it pooped on me."

"Well, did you change him?"

"Ew, gross."

"Fang-"

"I'm seriously never changing a diaper. I'd vomit."

"Then what else did you do?"

"Hmmm?"

"What else did you do with Jason?" she asked as she got her own piece of fruit.

"Oh, nothing," he said, shaking his head. "I'm not going to be doing anything with that brat."

"What?"

"I've decided that we're never, you know, doing this kid thing. Or maybe, in the very, very far away future, we can adopt a teenager that knows how to take care of itself or something," Fang told her. "If you want. But as far as you having a baby or whatever, no way- Ow, Max."

She had hit him in the shoulder. "You big doofus."

"What is your problem?" He stood up then, frowning down at her. "Max-"

"You are going back tomorrow and changing that baby's diaper."

"What?"

"You are, Fang."

"No, I'm not."

"Do you want to continue to have sex with me?"

"Yes."

"To be in a relationship with me?"

"Well-"

"Fang."

"Yes," he groaned.

"Then you're going back tomorrow. I'll walk you there myself if I have to."

He let out a loud growl as he collapsed back into their bedding. His life sucked. Seriously.

"But, Max," he whined as he cuddled back into their pillows, his nasty socks clad feet almost touching their fruit pile, causing Max to bat at them. "I saw her nipple."

"Whose nipple?"

"Ella's."

"What?"

"She basically flashed me," he told her.

"When? What are you-"

"She was feeding the baby and-"

"Oh, Fang."

"What? Why is it okay for her to show me them then and not when I want to see them?"

She hit at him again, causing him to kick at her. "You want to see them?"

"You know what I mean," he complained as he rolled onto his back.

"Oh, I know what you mean."

"Max-"

"It's okay for her to breastfeed in front of you, Fang, because it's natural. That's what you do. That's how the baby eats. It's nature."

He stared up at the roof of the treehouse. "Masturbation is natural. Is it okay for me to just whip it out and start playing with myself in front of- Ow! Stop hitting me!"

"Then stop saying stupid things. And sit up. Your dirty socks are getting all over the fruit."

Huffing, he did as asked before saying, "I just don't get it."

"And you're not going to because you don't want to."

"Damn straight."

"You are, though, going over there again to help care for the baby."

"But Max, what if I see her nipples again?"

Rolling her eyes heavily, she said, "You know what? We can't have a baby. You're too much of a baby for me to even deal with. Why add another one?"

"Exactly."

"I was insulting you. I wasn't serious."

"I took you seriously. Now we're never having a bab- Stop hitting me. God."

"You're going tomorrow," Max told him, making eye contact with him as the words came out of her mouth. "Or else."

Or else. Or else. Or freaking else. Ha. Like Max scared him. She didn't really think she scared him, did she?