The Daddy Test

Chapter 3

"So why are you here again?"

"Because," Fang started as he stared down at the sleeping baby, all snuggled up on his tiny makeshift crib of blankets and old clothes. "I want to further my horizons."

"…So basically Max is making you."

"Basically."

And so, yeah, Max did scare Fang. Who the hell didn't she scare anyways?

"Welp, Fang," Iggy began, not moving from his lounge like position on his bed area. "It doesn't look like the kid is going to poop any time soon."

"He hasn't in freaking hours," Fang complained. "Did you guys not feed him or something?"

"I don't feed him," Iggy told his friend. "Not to mention, that's kind of a dumb question to ask. If we didn't feed him, you know what he'd do? Die."

Fang just grunted as he continued to look down at the child. "He could at least cry or something."

"Why?"

"So then I could tell Max that I comforted him. That's way more important than changing a diaper, don't you think?"

"Not really, no."

"Well, I do."

"Tell you what," Iggy said as he sat up slightly. "When he needs something, I'll call for you. I'll even let you hold Ella's boob up to his mouth if it would make you happy. But until then, I'm trying to nap."

Fang shivered from the visual he had given him. Yuck. "How am I stopping you from napping?"

"You just are, okay?"

"You can't even see me," Fang pointed out. "So really-"

"Do I go into you and Max's treehouse?"

"Yes."

"Not unless you want me to."

"Not true. That one time you, like, walked in on us when we were-"

"It's not like I saw anything. And I was with Nudge. We had something very important to-"

"What?" Fang asked. "What was so important that you had to-"

"I don't know now," Iggy grumbled. "God, that was months ago. A year ago, maybe. Do you remember important things from a year ago?"

"Yes!"

"Fine," Iggy said. "When's Max's birthday then? Since you remember everything-"

"Trick question. She doesn't have one."

"We go through this every year, Fang. She picked June 7th to be her birthday. And every year I have to remind you so you don't get in trouble."

He scowled then over at the blind man whose child he was holding. "Don't make me drop your baby, Iggy."

"Dude, this is exactly why Ella didn't even want you holding the baby!"

"You can't deny my right to the baby. He's practically my own kid now. I mean I held him, didn't I?"

Iggy groaned as he stood up from his bed. "Bring him to me, Fang. Now."

"No." Fang held the baby to him. "He's- Oh, God, he's crying. Here, take him."

"I thought that was the whole reason you were here?"

Groaning, Fang looked down at the baby before slowly trying to rock him. Was he even doing it right? "There, there, uh, baby."

"Jason. His name is Jason, Fang."

"I know that. I just-"

"You totally just forgot my son's name."

"No."

"Fang."

"Well…it is a very generic name. I mean-"

"All the more reason to remember it!"

Fang huffed. "I just don't know what you want me to say."

"Just give me my son back. Now."

"Gladly." Fang went and handed the baby over. "Your baby sucks anyways."

"Excuse me?"

"You heard me." Fang headed to walk out of the hut. "I'm going to find a better baby. One that I actually like."

"Fuck you, Fang."

"Fuck you more."

And that was the end of that.

"Fang, you big dope!" Nudge hit him in the shoulder. "What did you go and do that for?"

"I don't like that baby. It's not a good baby. Go find me another one to take care of."

"It's not just that simple."

"How is it just not that simple?"

"Who would trust you with a baby?" she asked. "I wouldn't even trust you with my baby!"

He gave her a long look. "You had better not be having anything remotely close to a baby anytime soon."

"What would I have, Fang? An elephant?"

"I don't know. Not a baby elephant."

They were out on the beach, where Fang found Nudge eating. What else would she be doing? He planned to just tell Nudge the predicament and have her find another child for him to take care of. He didn't think it would be that big of a deal. Honestly, it seemed like a piece of cake. Who wouldn't want their baby taken care of by Fang? Seriously?

"You're so stupid," Nudge said as Fang sat there next to her. Then, sighing, she asked, "Were you hungry then?"

"No."

"Really?"

"…Yes." He reached out to grab a piece of fruit from the pile in front of Nudge. "But only because I didn't eat breakfast today."

"Whatever." Nudge rolled her eyes slightly. "So anyways, now that little Jason is out, who were you thinking I could convince to let you baby sit?"

"I dunno," Fang said, shrugging slightly. "But we have to pick someone. If Max find out that I screwed this Iggy stuff up, she's going to be pretty mad."

"I'm pretty sure that Iggy will tell Ella and then she'll tell Max first chance she gets."

"Which is why I need to find another baby," Fang reasoned. "So it seems like Jason is just defective or something."

Nudge gave him a sideways glance for that. "You really are psycho, aren't you?"

"I am not a psycho."

"You're crazy," she told him with a slight shrug. "Same thing, right?"

"No. And I'm not crazy."

"You are crazy."

"Am not."

"What is crazy to you, Fang?"

"Mmmm." He took a moment to think. "People who eat other people."

"That's cannibalism, moron."

"Cannibalism is crazy!"

"To humans."

"Name another mammal that eats each other."

"Uh, mother spiders eat the daddy spiders."

"Spiders aren't mammals."

"Well excuse me for not getting a formal education like you. Oh wait. You don't have one either!"

Huffing, Fang took a long moment to just sit there and think. Talking to Nudge only ever brought him heartache, honestly.

"Hannah has a baby," he said slowly. "That really ugly girl with the messed up teeth."

"Really, you do need to work on your people skills."

"Whatever," he said dismissively. "Just get me the kid, alright? And we'll go from there."

"You're so bossy. As if you're the leader of this operation."

"I'm the leader of every operation." Then he thought. "That Max's not involved in."

"No way. I am totally heading this adventure."

"More like misadventure."

She rolled her eyes. "For someone that's being so pessimistic about this, you sure do want my help, don't you?"

"Well…yeah."

"Alright then. God. You know as well as I do that Max is going to be on this baby kick for at least another week or so. You just have to get through that looking like you're ready to be a daddy."

The thought alone made him want to gag.

Honestly.

After spending some time with Nudge, Fang headed back to his own treehouse, planning on sleeping off the horrible funk he had been in recently. It was the baby shit though that was messing him all up. Who could expect him to be normal when Max was…hormonal?

He was busy napping when he was joined in the treehouse. He heard someone enter before opening his eyes, but didn't stir. He knew who it was.

"Fang?"

He only grunted. The he heard the girl sigh as she came further into his home.

"I thought you'd be working, so I went to look for you, but you weren't building anything or in the labs."

Another grunt.

"Are you sleeping?"

Grunt.

"Oh. Well-"

"What do you want, Angel?" he groaned as he rolled onto his back before sitting up. "Huh?"

She was standing there, at the edge of his makeshift bed, staring at him. "I just wanted to hangout with you."

"Hangout with me," he said slowly, blinking while staring at her. "What do you want to do exactly?"

"Hangout."

"Come here," he sighed, watching as she went to sit down on the bed with him. "What's wrong?"

She only shook her head, sitting there next to him with a dead expression on her face. Fang elbowed her gently, trying to get her to talk to him, but she just wouldn't look at him.

"Angel, what's-"

"I didn't something wrong, Fang," she whispered, her voice cracking slightly. "And I-"

"What?" Fang shifted to look at her, wrapping an arm around her shoulders. Nudge, Gasman, Max, and Iggy were one thing. Angel was a complete other. If she was in trouble or something, he was always the first to get himself involved. "What's up?"

She turned into him as well, even though he was kind of sweaty and stank a little bit Fang frowned when she sniffled, clearly holding back tears. He didn't do crying. Not even with Max. Not well anyways.

"Angel, if you would just tell me-"

"Promise you won't be mad?"

"Did you kill someone?"

"No," she moaned, leaning more heavily into him then.

"Then what? What's-"

"I think…" She rubbed her face into his shirt, no doubt getting it covered in snot. "I haven't had my…in a few…and I just…"

"Did you and Max get into a fight?" Fang was frowning then, more annoyed than concerned. Why wouldn't she just tell him. "'cause I'll talk to her. I'll tell her that-"

"Oh, God. Max!" Angel was crying some more then. "She's going to hate me too."

"Too? I don't hate you, Angel." Fang slowly moved to wrap both arms around her. It was kind of awkward, considering they were in his and Max's bed, but she was still their baby. "Why would I-"

"You don't get it, Fang."

"Yeah," he agreed. "Because you just won't tell me what's going on. Tell me. What's wrong?"

"I'm pregnant," she moaned.

"You…You're…" He pushed her back from him then. "What, is this some kind of a joke?"

"Huh?"

"You're lying," he accused. "'cause of all this baby shit that Max has been talking about, Nudge or Max or someone sent you to-"

"I missed my period, Fang. I'm late. And I've been feeling-"

"Ew. I don't want to hear about this!"

She was literally crying then and moved to burying her head in her hands, hiding her face from his eyes. "Just leave me alone, you big jerk! God, I hate you. I really-"

"Look, just…" Fang looked around for a moment before shaking his head. "Just calm down, alright? You don't even know if you are, right? Huh?"

She sniffled. "I think I am. I mean-"

"Well, just calm down right now. You're not, like, certain," he told her. "Missing one of…those isn't that big a deal, is it? Max does sometimes. She's told me."

"I'm usually really regular," she told him softly. "She's not. I-"

"Ew." Fang shook his head at her. "Let's not talk about this anymore."

"Fang-"

He pulled her into a hug then. "Let's just both be quiet. For awhile, okay?"

She leaned against him then. "What am I going to do?"

Fang just sat there, staring past her at the wall of the treehouse.

What were any of them going to do?