Envy thought he was going to be sick.
He was a monster, and not overly upset by the fact. He killed people, and enjoyed it. He had started the Ishbalan war, had helped in the attempt to destroy all of Amestris. He was a bad fucking person.
But here he was, watching Edward Elric sleep on a hospital bed. Just like he had been all night.
What was wrong with him? No, that wasn't right. What was wrong with the shrimp? How had he managed to hit upon the one thing—cutting himself—that actually made Envy sympathetic? And then to ask Envy to come to the hospital, to beg him to stay…it was almost like the pipsqueak was doing this just to torture him.
Envy didn't want to feel bad for Edward. If he did, then he would open himself up to other weak emotions, and that was not a road he wanted to go down. But it was, Envy admitted, too late. Far too late.
Because when Edward had been standing there, digging his fingers into his well-abused legs, Envy had wanted to stop him. Had needed to stop him. Had stopped him. And Envy had agreed to stay, of his own volition. Because, honestly, he didn't want to see the shrimp doing that to himself.
He—really, he was going to throw up, how could he be acting so unlike a homunculus?—wanted to help.
Envy told himself it was just because it was self harm. That he only felt bad, that he only had these stupid, weak human feelings because this was something he identified with.
Because if he allowed himself to consider the alternative—that he was simply going soft, wasn't as tough as he looked—he might just explode.
That is what Envy tried to tell himself as he cooked up a game. A goddamn game of all things, just to try to help Edward fucking Elric.
Edward sat, chewing his toast as inconspicuously as possible. Still, he could not help but glance furtively over at Envy.
What had possessed him to force the homunculus to stay the night?
No, that was a stupid question. Edward knew why he did it…but that didn't mean he had to like it.
What was he supposed to say? He wanted Envy there, but he was afraid to speak. He didn't think the homunculus would hurt him, and he didn't really care if he ended up being wrong about that. But he didn't want Envy to ask him about why he had to stay again…
So they sat in silence.
Edward gulped down the last of his toast and brushed his hands free of crumbs. Out of the corner of his eye, he noticed Envy watching him, and he put down his plate on the side table self-consciously.
As soon as he did so, the homunculus spoke. "We're going to play a game, Ed."
Edward raised his eyebrows, staring at Envy. "A game? I'm not a kid."
"Look," Envy growled. "Do you have any idea how weird it is for me to do this? To play the nice guy? I'm not the nice guy. This shouldn't be my job, but you made it my job. So suck it the fuck up, and play the goddamn game."
Taken aback, Ed agreed. "Fine. What game?"
Envy took a breath and…was that a blush? "Look, I'm just assuming—again, because I'm not getting a lot of information here—that you're cutting at least partially because you hate yourself. So the game is supposed to remind you of the good things about yourself. We'll do me first, then you, so you can get the idea. I'll list all the things I love about myself, and then you can tell me what I missed. And then I'll do the same for you."
Edward could not believe he was in this situation. Envy, the murderous homunculus, trying to make him feel better about himself…through a game.
"Ready?" the homunculus prompted. He seemed eager to get it over with.
Ed nodded.
"Alrighty then. I love that I can shape shift. I love my hair and how weird it is, even if you think it looks like a—"
"Palmtree."
Envy glared. "I love how I can fight and—at least in my mind—it looks elegant, like a dance." Edward was surprised to hear that come out of the homunculus's mouth; it was so dainty. "I love that I'm confident. Regardless of what everyone else thinks, I love being sadistic. I love my expressions and how overdone I've made them and how exciting that is."
He stopped. Ed stared at him, and he finished lamely: "That's it."
As though the words had been a trigger, Edward's eyes widened. He had just realized; now it was his turn to compliment Envy.
Oh, this was going to be awkward.
He looked down at his blanket as he began in a whisper, trying to prevent any red from creeping into his face. "This is so weird," he muttered. "I…I love your eyes. How they're purple and that's just so strange, but it fits you. I love how even though you fight for things I don't believe in, you give it your all. I love how you can be sitting here right now and not be trying to kill me. I love your voice and your creepy laugh, because even though it sometimes scares the shit out of me, it's just so you. I love that I know there's more to you than just hatred, and I love that I can still hope that some good lives in you."
As he finished, Envy stood, rising from his perch on one of the chairs to lean across the bed. "You put a lot more thought into that than I would have predicted," he murmured, a sneaky smile on his face.
Try as he might, Edward could not stop a blush. He tried to hide it with irritation. "Yeah, well, this game was your idea!"
Envy leaned back and grinned. "Do yourself, then. That's the whole point. What do you love about you?"
Ed looked towards the ceiling this time as he contemplated his answer. "I love my hair," he stated. "I love my smile. I love my scars, even the ones from cutting, because they tell a story and that's important to me. I…well, I hate this and I love this. My ability to care for people. I think it's important, but it's also a pain…" Absentmindedly, he pulled at the bandages on his wrist. "I love that I take care of Al…" His face fell, and he added, "But I've done a pretty good job of screwing that up, now."
Envy shook his head. "See how hard that was for you? You have to love yourself, Edward."
Ed glared up at him. "Let's see what you have to add, then."
The homunculus tapped his finger on his chin as if thinking. "Well, I love your height," he started, grinning wickedly. "So perfect and tiny and good for teasing. Also, I can't imagine you being taller. I don't like the idea. I also love your eyes, how they look like they're lit up from the inside. I love how angry you get; again because it's fun to mess with you, but I guess also because it shows your spirit. I think it's stupid, but I also love how you don't ever want to kill people, even when you could save someone you care about by doing so. It's something I can't comprehend. I love how you can fight someone like me and not lose hope even though you'd have to kill me a thousand times to be rid of me."
Edward stared up at Envy, unable to believe what he was hearing. Fierce, raging joy swelled up in him before he could stop it. This was Envy, the person (for lack of a better word) that he loved…telling him about his good points. But still, he had to remind himself of Envy's past, of what he was.
As the homunculus trailed off, he caught Ed's gaze, and seemed to realize how much he had said. He scowled slightly, but couldn't keep it up in the face of whatever he saw in Edward's eyes. The two stared at each other for a moment, lost in the surreal situation, until Envy coughed and broke the spell.
Looking away, Ed muttered, "Thanks for that."
"No problem…Shorty."