Louisa ... the hours leading up to her wedding.

"Come on," she mutters, struggling to prevent her carryon and handbag from overturning. "I'll have to remind James to get this lock fixed. Damn and blast. No swearing, Luisa" she admonishes herself.

"Not on the day before your wedding. Don't want to jinx it."

"There you go, and about time. What the hell took you so long?" she mumbles to herself as the key finally goes in straight and she lets herself into James's flat for her self-imposed exile from home.

She also wants to escape the calls, those from Caroline and Gary, for one. Let Martin deal with whatever comes up, she trusts him. All she wants to do is turn up with James and walk down the aisle to meet her lover. Well, that's a switch she thinks, Martin her lover! I can't recall thinking of him as a lover, although he is. She remembers how tight he held her this morning, unwilling to let her go, yet resolved to respect her wish.

An hour or so later, with a cup of chamomile tea and a few chocolate digestive biscuits to calm her nerves set out on the coffee table, her "me" time begins. She had long outgrown her emotional eating, but just for today, she indulges herself. Her phone is off and tucked away in her handbag. She sinks into the sofa with her feet stretched out, ready to deal with the business at hand. She lays out her tools on a metal tray, also on the coffee table. There are matches, a small covered square tin, sheets of the best cream parchment writing paper and matching envelope she could find at the card shop she had stopped at on her way to James's, a lovely antique pen borrowed from Martin and a cream lavender-scented pillar candle. She lights the candle. That should calm me some more, she hopes.

She reviews what she wants to accomplish.

First, she will select the personal qualities which will serve her well in her new life. She knows that being clear about her role in the marriage is her best chances for its success. She and Martin have gone through too much to get to each other. But first, she has to decide which negative qualities she must discard.

Then, she wants to make her peace with her old life. She knows too well that starting fresh means acknowledging those who have helped her to get where she is.

She looks at the clock on the mantle. It's 10 am, almost 24 hours before her new, legally sanctioned life officially begins.

"Best get to it then," she resolves, and bites off a piece of biscuit. She checks her notes, picks up her pen and begins writing in her clear, bold penmanship. She pauses often to check her list, arranged in no particular order, making sure nothing is left out. It is concise and tailored specifically to who she is. When finished, she holds it up for scrutiny.

The Terrible 10

Jealousy

Pride

Intransigence

Insensitivity

Complacency

Greed

Arrogance

Disloyalty

Loose lips

Insecurity

Looking at the list she thinks, "I could go on and on, but I'm going to keep it real. Ten is enough."

She folds the sheet of paper into accordion pleats to give it a fancy touch, uncurls herself from the sofa, takes the match and tin from the coffee table and walks into the kitchen.

"This is it," she tells herself softly, "burial by cremation."

She carefully fits the paper in the tin, touches the match to it and sets the tin in the sink. She respectfully watches the edge of the paper curl as the flames reaches it, then run unobstructed around the edges until it seeps all through, leaving gossamer-thin remains of charred paper that crumbles to the touch. Making sure that the fire is out, she fills the tin with water, closes it, then bins it. She places what's left of the box of matches on the kitchen counter.

Everything is carefully choreographed and for her, this is the beauty of the exercise. She wants to give the act the respect it deserves by being thorough and attentive to details.

Sinking back into the sofa, she ponders her symbolic act of cleansing by fire. She knows that from time to time those vices may rear their head and she commits herself to not allowing them to take root. As she watches the flames from the candle, she yearns for company, makes to retrieve her phone, then stops herself.

"No temptations," she chides. "I made a promise to myself to do this alone and I will. Music will have to do for now."

Soon, she's singing along with Cyndi Lauper's Girls Just Want To Have Fun playing on her ipad.

I come home in the morning light
My mother says when you gonna live your life right
Oh mother dear we're not the fortunate ones
And girls they want to have fun
Oh girls just want to have fun

The phone rings in the middle of the night
My father yells what you gonna do with your life
Oh daddy dear you know you're still number one
But girls they want to have fun
Oh girls just want to have...

Almost out of breath, she follows with Lady Gaga's I'm on the Edge.

There ain't no reason you and me should be alone tonight
Yeah baby, tonight, yeah baby
I got a reason that you
Who should take me home tonight ...

I'm on the edge of glory
And I'm hanging on a moment of truth
Out on the edge of glory
And I'm hanging on a moment with you...

The last note dies and she looks at the clock.

"Ooops, it's almost 11. 'Tempus is fuguting'." Still humming, she settles back into the sofa and writes her final list. Her thoughts flow uninterrupted. She has been mulling about this list for some time and is grateful for what she has learned about herself from her sessions with Dr. Milligan.

10 Keepers

Unconditional love

Honesty

Compassion

Joy

Kindness

Curiosity

Generosity

Loyalty

Dependability

Respect

The list completed, she takes a deep breath and reviews the 10 Keepers. Of the ten, she feels closest to unconditional love. You love your child unconditionally, you can't help it. With Martin, I have gone through the fire yet I have never stopped loving him, warts and all. That must be unconditional love, she reasons.

She allows herself the luxury of dreaming what it will be like for her and Martin to say their vow to each other. They had written it together, well, more her. Martin had said he didn't need a vow to pledge his love to her. If she wanted one, he would gladly say it to her. Then he had totally distracted her by inviting her to sit beside him. The memory makes her smile.

She walks to the fridge and takes out the bag with the lunch he had packed for her.

"Always looking out for me. He can be fussy, but I'm enjoying it." Underneath it all, she knows that's Martin's way of showing his love.

"Nothing here to spoil my appetite for later," she notes, although she's curious about a small bag, placed underneath the sandwich. "I'll eat first then see what surprise Martin has for me."

And with that, she eats the cheese sandwich, boring and healthy as it is. There's a bottle of orange juice. Finally, as she opens the mystery package her eyes widen in surprise. There are a couple of chocolate digestive biscuits.

"Oh my God, this is bribe. He wants me to come home." She smiles at the thought. "Hope our life will always be full of surprises."

She opens the small sheet of paper on which the biscuits sit. There, in Martin's distinctive handwriting is a note. L, I miss you. I want you to be healthy, but just for today, enjoy your carbs. M.

She looks over at the coffee table, her digestive biscuits are all gone. She looks again at Martin's, "Such a shame to let them go to waste," and takes a bite. It taste like honey, nectar and milk.

When she returns to her most important task for the day, the letter to two beloved people in her life, words come as easily as tears. Memories threaten to slow her down but she pushes on, never stopping until she's done.

Dear Nathan

Thank you for being beside me as we tried to bring up James to be the best person he could be. You were the best father he could ever have asked for. He wouldn't be the kind and loving son he is, if you were not there teaching him how to be a man and letting go when it was time to send him into Martin's care.

I love you because you saw beyond my inadequacies and fears. You accepted me as I was, and helped me grow to be the woman I am today. I am grateful for the happy years we had. I love you for the comfort you gave me, for being warm, generous, caring, slow to anger, forgiving and most of all, for your friendship. I say love in the present tense because although you're no longer physically on this plane, you are always here in a special place in my heart.

We have had good and bad times. The worst time was when you became ill and I said angry words. Thank you for forgiving me. It took me some time to understand that you wanted to shield me from your pain. I'm glad you finally accepted that your pain was my pain.

Your love gave me the courage to hold you in my arms and watch you leave this plane fearlessly. To the end, you never wavered in your concern for my welfare. You need not have worried, your love made me strong to embark on another of life's journeys.

As I prepare to marry Martin tomorrow, I thank you for releasing me, on your deathbed, to pursue a life with him.

Please know that we're forever family. James will always have two dads and I'll always have two husbands.

Without your love, I would not have been ready to face life on my own. Without your love and nurturing, I would not have been ready to be Martin's wife.

I love you, Nathan

Always … Louisa.

Dear Joan

I know you're with me as I prepare to become Martin's wife tomorrow. You most of all knew our history and how much we struggled to be parents to our son despite all that had gone wrong in our relationship. You knew Martin more than I did, so you understood how the horrors of his childhood made him run away from being a father and a partner.

That is all behind us now. Tomorrow, James will walk with me and hand me over to Martin to make our vows. As we stand before our friends declaring our love to each other and asking them to bear witness, I know you will be smiling your approval.

Our love has conquered time, circumstances and fear. We have been given another chance to make things right

You'll be pleased to know that today, I wrote Nathan thanking him for loving me and James. I marvel that the Louisa whose insecurities you knew well, has space in her heart to have loved and known love with Nathan and will spend the rest of her life loving Martin all over again.

You were the mother neither Martin nor I had. You had enough love in your heart to help a frightened little girl grow up to be a mum and a wife. You did the same for Martin, as you knew he would one day grow up to be the father and husband he was destined to be.

Joan, you were all I could ever have asked for – mother, friend, comfort, Granma for James and a shoulder that never grew weary of me.

I love you so much. I know you will be with me always and will be looking on tomorrow as Martin and I begin our new life together as man and wife.

Always, your daughter Louisa

She places the list and her two letters in an envelope and tucks them away in her carryon. Their final resting place will be her Treasure Chest. She promise herself to read them on each wedding anniversary to remind her of her journey.

Louisa signals that she's ready to commune with the world by turning on her phone then promptly falls asleep, exhausted from the rituals of the day.

The phone wakes her up. It's Caroline. "Don't be late. We want to get you home early so you can get your beauty rest."

There she goes again, so bossy. "Yes, Caroline, I'll be early." Hope she's not going to be like this tomorrow.

Our night out at The Chantilly Lace, a new hot, happening restaurant in the heart of London, promises to be good. The Friday crowd is trickling in as we wait to be seated. Caroline points me out and casually mentions to the hostess, who introduces herself as Beth, that I was getting married tomorrow. Beth, a young slip of a girl, looks at me and smiles.

"Come with me. Because your reservation is for 5 pm, I can fit you all in a private room. It's small but cozy. Champagne is on the house. Please tell Dave, who will be your waiter, when you're ready."

She turns to me and shyly whispers, "I hope you will be happy. My mum just remarried and she's so happy. Best wishes." She leans down and kisses me on my cheek then almost runs out of the room. We're all touched.

We order a tad indulgent diner and dive into it quickly. To our delight, it lives up the restaurant's reputation. Martin would have thrown a fit, had he had seen the empty calories we consumed, not to mention the wine.

Isobel appointed herself host, or whatever it is you call the person who takes the lead at these events. "Louisa, is there anything you want to say to open the evening. Anything from us?"

I'm a little nervous asking, but I ask nevertheless. "I would like you to share your words of wisdom for a happy marriage."

"If you ask me ..., Jenny started.

"I didn't ask you, Jenny. " I stop her noticing that she has already had a glass of wine, plus a martini while we were waiting at the bar for our room. "Unless you can keep it G-Rated. What will our young waiter think?"

"I know what I was thinking when he came in all muscular and looking at us as if we're old biddies. I would just need one evening ..." Jenny blurts out.

"Stop, don't go there, Chris would kill you," Caroline says almost choking on her wine.

"Oh, he's a sweetheart. He knows I'm all talk. Speaking of talk, that's not a word I associate with Martin, and I have known him a very long time. Does he talk to you in bed? I mean when ... ahem.." she asks..

Caroline comes to my rescue. "That's it. I'm going to order a cup of coffee for you. Chris will really kill you if you go home any worse than you are now. Louisa is not going to answer. Look at her blushing."

Isobel chirps in. "He's not a talker for sure, but he certainly knows his way around the female anatomy."

"He's a doctor, for God's sake. He delivered your baby," Caroline hisses.

I'm doubled up in laughter, but I have to put a stop to the downward slide of the conversation. I really want some advice from my friends, especially Jenny and Caroline who have been married forever. I have been drinking just like them, but I wasn't so inebriated that I fell for their curiosity. It was harmless fun, however Martin is a very private person and I want to preserve what happens between us behind closed doors.

Everything goes nicely after that. Everyone wanted to share a Louisa story. Caroline brings up my time with Danny. I can't believe my ears.

"Danny? Which Danny? I have not heard from him since he went back to London and that was before James was born."

"Oh, forget about that pretentious loser," Isobel says. "What about the lawyer you dated before you met Nathan."

Again I can't believe my ears. "What do you mean by dated? I went out with the man once. When he asked me for a second date, I told him about James and I never heard from him again."

"Poor Lou Lou,? Isobel moans.

"Well, you're the one who brought up that sorry story." Jenny says sarcastically.

"Okay Mrs. Jenny Parsons, what's your Louisa story?" Isobel shoots back.

Jenny proceeds to tell them her version of a story about Martin and myself. "Did you know that when Martin started coming to Truro she refused to stay at the hotel with him. Said it wasn't proper."

"Are you serious?" Caroline asks looking at me as if I had grown horns.

I got defensive. "That's not exactly how it went. I wanted to, but Martin took too long to pluck up the courage to ask me. By the time he did, I invented that excuse. A girl has to have some pride."

As usual Isobel has the last word. "That's our Lou Lou. You have the man eating out of your hands and what do you do? Get on your high horse."

We go back and forth with the ribbing, until Jenny asks me what were my plans for my new life in London.

"You're a first rate educator. Have you thought about returning to teaching or consulting?" Caroline asked. "Martin is still working. What would you do while he's away?"

"I have a few ideas. The National Board of Education offered me a full-time consulting position. I turned it down because it will be too confining. Martin and I will discuss this after things settle down."

Jenny who has not worked formally in years was sympathetic. "Take your time Louisa. You may find being married to Martin a lot more demanding than expected. London is a fast city and it's easy to get swept up in the frenetic pace."

I agreed with her to a point. "As long as being Martin's wife is not going to entail going to stuffy tea parties and sitting around with bored, spoilt women."

I hadn't told them about Martin's Science Is Cool project. I felt I could be of use there and hoped that in time, a part-time volunteer opportunity would open. If Martin was surprised that I still had subscriptions to two of the leading Educational journals, he never said anything to me.

At 6:30, Dave wants to know if we are ready for our check. Of course we're not.

After he leaves the room, Caroline opens a bag she had sitting under the table, takes out a beautifully wrapped gift box and hands it to me. "This is our way of helping you to keep the spice in your marriage."

I can feel my face getting red as I wonder what she means by that and hope it's not what I'm thinking. But of course it is.

I unwrap the box carefully. Inside is an array of gorgeous silk underwear wrapped in tissue paper from an exclusive High Street boutique.

Isobel saw my face and explained, "We kept it fancy to match your fancy bedroom. It's eight sets, one extra for the week."

All I could say was thanks. I knew Martin would love seeing me in them.

I know they must have put a lot of thought into this gift to make it personal and something I would use and enjoy. I will myself not to cry, but they saw the tears welling up and ordered another bottle of wine.

"This is no time for tears, Lou Lou," Isobel warns me.

Caroline proposes a toast and that's when they give me their words of wisdom. It was worth the wait.

Caroline's secret to a happy marriage is to forgive quickly. "I'm still working on it. Tom has it down pat and it has saved our sanity and kept our marriage intact."

Jenny's wisdom was hard won. "After my illness, Chris and I realized that the most valuable thing we had, besides our health, was each other. We have never forgotten that experience. We tell each other I love you every morning and every night, no matter where we are."

Isobel has the last word. "When you get lucky, treasure that person. Laugh hard, forgive easily and remember to have fun. Life is much too short to waste."

Before we left, I wrote a thank-you note to Beth and included a generous tip. I had noticed her Cornish accent and gave her my telephone number.

I called Martin when I got home, It felt good hearing his voice. I hold out for as long as I can, until I gives up and tell him that I had more wine than I should and had to go to bed. He assured me that he would be there for our wedding and urged me to to get some sleep, drink water, blah, blah, blah.

I open my eyes and for a minute, I can't remember where I am when I don't feel Martin's warm, familiar body beside me. I yawn and stretch, then look around. I have slept in this room many times. The robe I used the last time I was here is at the foot of the bed where I place it last night. I wonder what my two men are doing, then drift off to sleep again. It's only 5:15 am.

By 6:30, I'm awake again. I look at my dress hanging on a lovely padded hanger and hanging from a hook next to the closet. It's so beautiful, I hope Martin will like it. Jenny will stop by on her way to the wedding to give me whatever help I might need. For the next hour or so, I lay in bed propped up on pillows, waging a battle with myself about yesterday's decision to show James my letter to Nathan. Joan's is not an issue.

In the cold light of my wedding day, I'm having second thoughts. On the one hand, Nathan's letter is my private, soul-baring moment? However, to be fair, I had told Nathan about us always being a family. That seals it. I will show it to James.

When James arrives at about 9:45 am, I look anxiously at him before hugging him. "I have missed you and your dad? Did you have a good father son bonding?"

"I thought it was supposed to be a stag night," he teases.

"Oh, just have a seat, I have something to show you."

James reads Nathan's letter then looks up at me. "This is good. You have thought of everything, but it wasn't necessary. Dad never wanted you to be alone. He would have understood your getting married. "

Seeing his bluey grey eyes looking lovingly at me in the way Martin's did, I explain. " I wanted to do what is right. Nathan is your dad and was my husband for a long time."

"Mum, I will always love Dad, you don't have to worry about that. I love my two dads, and that's just the way it is. Don't push it though, the only mum I want is you."

That was enough for me. "Saying goodbye was the right thing to do. As of yesterday, that part of my life is closed, but your Dad will always have a special place in it. He will always be your dad. Always.'"

James was not overly sentimental, not even close. However, he had been thinking about Nathan a lot lately. While he wasn't conflicted about Martin and Louisa being together, he had wondered what his mum's life would have been had Nathan been alive and what Martin's life would have been had she not gotten back with him. He had seen Martin going on dates a few times, met some of the women, but none had seemed right for him. How could Martin and his mum being together seem so right and Nathan and his mum together seem so right, all at the same time, he wondered.

When Jenny arrives, there's nothing to do besides tell Louisa that she looks gorgeous. "Please don't get me started," she says and starts crying.

I shake my head, this is not how I want to start my special day. "Jenny we're not even at the wedding. Save your tears for later."

"It's just that you look so happy, so beautiful."

After Jenny leaves James and I sit quietly listening to music. I especially like Bruce Springsteen's If I Should Fall Behind.

We said we'd walk together baby come what may
That come the twilight should we lose our way
If as we're walking a hand should slip free
I'll wait for you
And should I fall behind
Wait for me

We swore we'd travel darlin' side by side
We'd help each other stay in stride
But each lover's steps fall so differently
But I'll wait for you

And if I should fall behind
Wait for me

When the song is over, I look at the clock on the mantle and put on my veil. "Time to go, James."

We drive in silence. James helps me out of the car and opens the door for me.

Caroline is waiting for us. Tears well up in her eyes when she sees me. "You look beautiful and happy."

Why is everybody crying? Looks like we're all gearing up for a crying fest.

James, who is looking like a young version of Martin, whispers, "You're beautiful," takes my arm and leads me to the door that opens into the courtyard. I hear the faint strains of John Lennon's Imagine, and on cue, James pushes the door open and looks at me.

"Are you ready?" I nod my head.

Martin is smiling. His face registers joy, nervousness and adoration all in one. I bite my lips to contain my tears and begin walking towards him.