Author's Note: I don't have much to say here, I'll let the chapter speak for itself. I DO want to thank everyone that's reading, and I hope you're enjoying it (tell your friends!), and a special thanks to Wilhelm Wigworthy for being my first reviewer ever on here, and extra special thanks to my Tumblr friends Kitty and Aimee for their enthusiastic support and reviews. And, as always, the stuff to cover my butt can go right here: the M rating is for later chapters-there will be slash. I don't own these characters, but boy, if I did! Anyway, to cover my own butt, anything you may recognize isn't mine. Happy reading!
Logan actually flourishes after getting the news-he goes outside more, he gets more sleep (because of the security and warmth from sleeping in Kendall's arms), he gets better at dancing and singing because he's not stressing over working to become a doctor and worrying about fitting in online college courses while being in a boyband anymore. He stops reading textbooks and science manuals and reads for fun-stuff like P.G. Wodehouse and Lemony Snicket.
Kendall notices the changes and mentions to Logan he can tell he's reading for fun.
"How can you tell?" Logan asks, looking up at Kendall towering over him where he stands while Logan sits on the couch enjoying yet another in the series of unfortunate events befalling the Baudelaire children.
"Because your forehead doesn't have the wrinkles in it that it did when you'd concentrate so hard," Kendall said gently as he rubbed his fingers across Logan's smooth forehead. Kendall was looking at Logan thoughtfully, as Logan tilted his head up allowing Kendall to rub back and forth soothingly, his eyes staring into Kendall's. They stayed like that for quite a while, until the spell was broken by the other boys coming back in from the pool looking for something to eat.
Kendall breaks up with Jo, quietly and privately in a Skype call to New Zealand but lets Logan know during one of their nightly bed talks. They've always had those, even across the little aisle between their beds, now they're just quieter and more intimate, since they're curled up under the covers on Logan's bed. But they've always discussed everything that was going on in their lives. Even back in Minnesota schoolnight sleepovers were permitted since both Kendall and Katie stopped having nightmares the first time Logan was allowed to stay. Kendall's nightmares used to wake Katie up, and when she'd finally get back to sleep, she'd inevitably start crying out in the night. But Kendall didn't have a nightmare the first time Logan stayed over, the first weekend he lived in Minnesota, and any he had subsequently inevitably occurred on the nights they were separated due to one of them being sick, or when they had to visit relatives and stay overnight. The only other friends' houses Kendall ever stayed at were Carlos and James', and from the time Logan moved to town, it was understood that the new boy would be included in the "Three Musketeers" sleepovers. Kendall and Logan got into a routine they never outgrew, switching between houses after every couple of nights or so.
"How did Jo take it?" Logan whispered, remembering the hurt look in Camille's eyes as she insisted she understood, and apologizing profusely for not treating Logan better when she had the chance.
"She was fine with it. Being so far away, I was her boyfriend in name only. I get the feeling we'll see her name linked with one of her movie co-stars in the next Pop Tiger," Kendall said breezily. He could sense rather than see Logan's worried frown in their dark bedroom. "Logan, honest, it's okay. We got along fine, but as far as being in a 'relationship'? It was just something on her checklist from her publicist of things she had to have, right up there with long hair and the latest smart phone. One boyfriend: preferably slightly less good looking than her, slightly less famous than her, and definitely not a bad boy."
Logan didn't like the sound of that, like they ordered Kendall out of a catalog or something.
"You made a very convincing bad boy," he said, smiling in spite of everything. That memory was one of his favorites.
"That's my loyal Logie," Kendall said, giving him a squeeze and closing his eyes for the night.
Logan, however, stayed awake mulling things over. He wondered if there was a way he could fix this for Kendall. Ever since they were kids, with Kendall's dad being gone forever and Logan's orthopedic surgeon father at work or at conferences or catching up on sleep from long shifts at the hospital, it usually fell to Logan to find solutions to the problems dads normally fielded that cropped up in life. Not that one of their moms weren't more than capable of stepping into the breach, and both moms did do that countless times when things proved beyond Logan's skills, but he would always try first. Kendall was always sticking up for him with bullies and coaching him in hockey, Logan wanted to give his share of support, beyond helping with homework.
One of the proudest moments of Logan's life was the look in Kendall's eyes when Logan was able to finally figure out how to replace the bike chain that had slipped off his first ten speed bike. Kendall had gotten the bike for his 13th birthday, the first of their group of friends to get one. But no one was around to teach him how to shift into the different speeds, and the chain slipped off the first time he tried to ride it. Logan got himself right to the library, buried his nose in a few different books for about an hour, then went to Kendall's and managed to get the chain back on and explained to Kendall what he had read about how to shift the gears. Kendall looked at him like he had invented fire. At that point, Kendall had just had a growth spurt that brought him up to his almost full grown height, and Logan was still about as tall as he had been as an eleven year old. Kendall sat on the bike seat, his long legs struck out on either side of the bike, his feet on the ground as Logan went over the different gear positions with him. Logan had chain oil smudged on his nose and chin, and even with Kendall in an almost sitting position, he was still a good deal taller than Logan. But Logan could do anything, in Kendall's eyes.
Over the years, Logan would earn that look of admiration again and again as he helped Kendall out. He loved that look. He loved helping Kendall out.
Logan rolled over on his side and contemplated the sleeping Kendall. There was just enough moonlight coming through their window now that he could make out Kendall's features. He looked…content, Logan realized. Logan thought back over their conversation about Jo, thought about what Kendall didn't say more than what he did. He didn't sound upset or regretful, and he most certainly hadn't asked Logan for help, not even indirectly. Maybe there was nothing here to fix? Once that thought flitted into Logan's mind, he was finally able to shut off his thoughts and drifted to sleep himself.
Other nights though, they talk about what Logan won't talk about with anyone else. He's decided he doesn't want to tell anyone what he knows, and, after he patiently goes over his reasons with Kendall, Kendall had to admit he makes some good points.
"If anyone else knew, that'd it be it, that's all that would be discussed. And since there's no options for the outcome, why waste time preparing for a future I won't be a part of? Maybe it's not fair to you and the guys to not start looking for my replacement now…" Logan's words were cut off by Kendall's unintelligible shout. Kendall hadn't thought that far ahead, wouldn't think that far ahead, but there's one thing he knew down to his very soul: whatever the future held once Logan was gone, there would never be four people in Big Time Rush again. If it meant the end of the band, so be it. Probably Carlos and James would have to continue as a duo. There's no way Kendall would want to be on a stage without Logan, ever. He didn't say any of that to Logan; he didn't want Logan wasting any of the precious time he had left trying to talk him into a future path he wouldn't take without Logan.
Logan also says how he doesn't want to see the hurt in Kendall's mom's and sister's eyes if they knew. And he doesn't want anybody feeling sorry for him, or treating him like he's fragile. He's enjoyed how Gustavo and the guys have been complimenting him on his improved singing and dancing, and right now he knows they're saying it because they really mean it.
Kendall can't take any of that away from him, and he's right there with Logan on not wanting to see his mom or Katie being hurt before they're going to be anyway. Would his father's death been any the easier if they knew it was coming? Of course not. Kendall doesn't want Logan to have to see them sad like they will be again and know that he's the reason for it.
"And, if my parents knew, they'd take me away from y...here," Logan said sadly. "They'd bring me back to Minnesota and just hover over me and watch me until I died." Kendall knew this would be true. Logan's parents, while a lot less demonstrative when it came to pride or affection than any of the other parents of the boys, were always the ones to most keep an eye on Logan, and any of the friends if they were over. Whereas at Kendall's they'd spend most of their time in Kendall's room doing anything from playing to homework, at the Mitchell's they did their work at the dining room table under the watchful eye of one or both of his parents, and all play was to take place in the family room-Logan's room was strictly for sleeping. It wasn't a comfortable environment at all.
So everything's just kept between the two of them. And the two of them make a real effort to keep everything as normal as possible, even just between them.
It's not always easy. Christmas is super tough, they both have to push "this is the last one" thoughts out of their minds constantly. And Kendall has no idea what to give Logan for a present. Any clothes or jewelry Kendall sees and has the fleeting thought how perfect it would look on Logan morphs into the thought of him being buried wearing it and Kendall stops going to stores-everyone's gifts are purchased online. He thinks about writing a song just for Logan, but there's no way he'd be able to get through the verses about their friendship without breaking down. In the end, he obtains a first edition copy of Thank You, Jeeves from the UK. It cost as much as a used car, but Logan's worth that, and so much more, to Kendall.
For his part, Logan gives Kendall a book as well: a leather bound journal with Kendall's initials embossed into the cover.
"You know, for writing songs in and whatever," Logan says when Kendall opens it under the tree in 2J, with all the noise and happiness of everyone opening their presents around them. Kendall opens the journal to the first page and sees Logan has written something.
"Please write down everything you'd know I wouldn't want to miss."
Kendall's eyes fill with tears. There's no journal big enough in the world to hold all the things Logan should be there for. He senses Logan is looking at him though, so he raises his head and mouths the words, "I will."
They manage to get through the holidays. Kendall and Logan beg off from Gustavo's New Year's Rocquing Eve (yes, he went there) party and watch the Mighty Ducks trilogy on DVD at home with cartons of Chinese food, just the two of them. They're not even awake when the clock strikes midnight, having fallen asleep about a half hour into the third movie, their heads sharing the same pillow where the two couches meet to form an L.
After New Year's, Katie and Mama Knight leave for a week to visit family back in Minnesota. The guys are taking advantage of a Gustavo vacation to Fiji to go up to Bear Mountain for snowboarding, but the day before they're leaving Logan comes down with a bad cold. He begs Kendall not to sleep in his bed that night, but Kendall won't hear of it, insisting he promised Logan wouldn't ever be alone.
"Kendall, what does that have to do with anything? Sleep in your own bed. You won't get sick and I won't be alone, you'll be right there."
"No."
"Why are you being so stubborn about this?" Logan asked, breaking into a fit of coughing before he got to the end of the sentence.
"Because I made a promise to you, Logan."
"Well, in life sometimes you have to make adjustments. Like in the matter of this cold, for instance. I really don't see myself enjoying being up at Big Bear, and I don't want to have to suffer all the way up there on the car ride just to not go snowboarding and be stuck in the room. I'll let you sleep with me tonight if you promise that you'll go to the mountain without me if I'm still sick tomorrow," Logan told him, his voice raspy and fading fast.
"WHAT? No way, I promised…"
Logan held up a hand. "Save it, Kendall. I don't have the energy to argue. You've been doing everything you can for me these past couple of months, haven't you?"
Kendall nodded.
"Well then, either you're going to go up to Big Bear FOR me, or I'll force my sick self to go FOR you." Logan held a distinct advantage over Kendall in that Kendall didn't believe he could match Logan in a battle of wits, like in The Princess Bride.
Kendall reluctantly agrees to Logan's terms, but insists on sleeping in his bed with him this last night. Logan mutters it'll be Kendall's own fault when he comes down with a hellacious cold up on the mountain.
The next day dawned, and Kendall hoped against hope that Logan would've made a miraculous recovery, but he hasn't, and the other three boys leave for the mountain, Kendall looking like a lost puppy the whole way out the door. Logan goes back to his room and sleeps for about 46 straight hours.
Or, he would have, if it weren't for Kendall calling or texting every half hour or so. When Mrs. Knight calls to check on Logan, he mentions in passing how he's not getting much sleep because Kendall keeps calling.
"You leave him to me, Logan. I'll call and tell him that from here on out, you'll call me every eight to twelve hours or so-whenever you're awake-and then I'll call him and let him know you're fine. He won't bug you again until you're up to handling it."
"Thanks, Mama Knight," Logan said with gratitude, before breaking into another coughing fit.
Kendall wasn't happy about the new arrangement, but even he realized it was the only way Logan would get any rest. Once Logan was able to stop keeping an ear out for his ringtone, he was able to let his body sink into the deep sleep it needed to get him over his cold. He woke up in the late afternoon of the second day the guys were gone, finally feeling human again. There was a rainstorm raging outside, and Logan listened to the water lashing against the window in his room for a while, then got up, brushed his teeth, and had a nice long hot shower.
He wandered back into his and Kendall's room once he was all clean, and rummaged through his chest of drawers for clean socks and underwear and his comfiest sweatpants. On a whim, he decided to put on one of Kendall's shirts, his secret favorite for Kendall to sleep in. It was dark green and really complimented Kendall's eyes, plus it was as soft as baby clothes. Logan was glad to notice the fact that it smelled like Kendall, since that meant Logan could actually smell things again. He bet that meant he could taste things too and made his way out to the kitchen and made himself a protein smoothie. When he started up the blender, he thought maybe the lights flickered for a second, but nothing further happened so he didn't think about it again. He poured the smoothie into a tall glass and made his way to the living room, sipping it as he went. The blinds were closed so he didn't see the lightning that was flashing across the sky, but a few seconds later, a rumble of thunder shook the whole apartment, it felt like.
Logan turned the TV on and found a local station that was airing the news. He sat on the couch, his smoothie forgotten and his brow furrowed as reports of severe weather all over southern California were being shown. He couldn't believe he had been so out of it the past two days that all this catastrophic weather was going on without him knowing. Reports of heavy snowfall in the mountains and non-stop rain nearer the coast made up the whole opening segment of the news. There were power outages starting to crop up, and roads were becoming impassible due to snow in the mountains and the very real threat of mudslides in the lower terrain. Logan ran to his room and got his phone. When he tried calling Kendall's number, it went straight to voicemail. So then he tried James.
"Logan, buddy! You feeling better? Are you on your way here?" James yelled over the sound of several voices in the background.
On his way…? "James, where's Kendall?" Logan didn't have time just now to try to figure out why James had asked if he was on his way.
"I figure you'd know the answer to that-he went to get you," James said.
"Get me? Why?" Logan asked.
"We're in a big blackout up here. There's been a storm raging the past day and a half, they shut down the mountain and we're all stuck inside, using the fireplace for cooking hotdogs and stuff," James said.
"Why on earth would Kendall go out in that kind of weather? Why would he drive?" Logan felt himself starting to panic, and he knew he had to be calm, not only for his heart's sake, but for Kendall.
"It wasn't that bad yet when he left," James said.
"Well, when WAS that?" Logan was getting so sick of having to drag every piece of information out of James.
"I dunno-this morning? Hey, Carlos. CARLOS! When did Kendall leave?"
Logan could hear Carlos' answer through the phone. "I dunno-this morning?"
That was hours and hours ago. Logan was gritting his teeth. "James, I've gotta go, call me if you hear anything." James said sure and hung up. Logan tried Kendall's number again, but this time got an automated message that all circuits were down in the subscriber's area. Logan unmuted the TV and listened to the reports of wild weather everywhere. The station interrupted its own coverage of bad weather with the breaking news of a mudslide taking out part of a road in San Bernardino. Logan's eyes widened in horror. It's the exact road the boys would always take to and from the mountain. What if Kendall was on it? What if Kendall was swept away…?
Logan's quickly escalating panicky thoughts were interrupted by the phone in his hand giving off a weak "moop" sound. He looked down just in time to notice the empty battery symbol flash weakly before the phone powered itself off. Of course! He hadn't plugged it in for over two days as it remained by his bedside instead of plugged in at the dock on his desk. He turned to go to the bedroom to grab the charger when there was a crack of thunder that rocked the whole building and he was plunged into total darkness. His stocking covered toes came in harsh contact with the corner of the couch leg and he dropped his phone. Stupid thing wasn't going to do him any good now, anyway, until the power came back on. He spun around and plunked down on the couch, rubbing his toes and trying not to swear.
There was nothing to do now but go back to worrying about Kendall. Why would he be so foolish as to venture out in such bad weather? "Because of me," Logan's guilty conscience told him. "Why didn't I just suck it up and go up to the mountain with them?" He knew what Kendall was like, he knew Kendall wouldn't stay away the whole week without him. And now he could be stuck, or hurt, or worse, because he was trying to get back to Logan. Logan suddenly missed Kendall more than he ever had in his whole life, because, truth be told, there had never been a point in his life before when he had to miss Kendall-he was always right there. Right there when Logan needed him. No matter what. Logan's eyes were filling with tears. The room kept being momentarily lit up with lightning as the storm raged on outside, but then plunging back into stygian darkness. This was what Logan's future was, being trapped in an eternal darkness, all alone, without Kend…
The apartment door flew open. Logan felt his heart literally stop in his chest. A small rectangle of light (that Logan later figured out had to be coming from a phone screen) was making its way across the apartment at a rapid speed. Logan didn't have time, or the breath, to say anything before someone was kneeling in front of him and a pair of familiar arms in a soaking wet coat were being wrapped around him.
Logan's stilled heart finally starts pounding again and every beat is Ken-dall, Ken-dall, Ken-dall-it's all Logan can hear. Logan bursts out crying, he's nearly incoherent as he says over and over, "I missed you, I wished you were here, I needed you," Kendall is trying to calm him, trying to shush him, but he keeps crying out the same phrases over and over, so Kendall…kisses him. The kiss, Logan's feeling a million things at once-the softness of Kendall's lips against his, the hard muscle and bone of Kendall's shoulders under his coat, the cold tip of Kendall's nose pushing against his wet cheek, the warm breath of Kendall slipping across his mouth as their lips pull apart for air, and then the first thing he says before thinking is, "Why have I wasted all this time? I've wanted you since before we moved to LA." Then he rips Kendall's coat open and tries to snuggle closer as he puts his passionate all into yet another kiss.