Author's Note: Well here it is, the penultimate chapter. Mild trigger warning: there is mention of a suicidal thought in this chapter. And as always, I don't own these characters, but boy if I did! And, I feel a bit funny just coming out and stating this, but, I really enjoy when people comment on what I've written, so please, feel free to leave a comment/review/question/criticism/whatever you're feeling! I'd like to say hello to veryjaneere, and thanks for reading! And of course Aimee and Kitty and everyone else who's been reading along
UPDATE: veryjaneeyre pointed out to me that I had some tense discrepancies going on in Chapters 6 & 7, so I've edited them slightly. I might have still missed some spots (and I haven't gone over the earlier chapters to see if I was doing it in those, but I wouldn't be surprised if they could use a brush up as well), but one thing I deliberately left was Kendall referring to Logan's sunsets in the past tense, because in Kendall's mind, that's how he's already thinking about things when it comes to Logan: as a part of the past and almost lost
Once everyone's back from vacation, it's time to get back to a serious work schedule, and after a couple weeks in the studio, the boys are going to shoot a music video. They get driven out to a location in the middle of nowhere in a stretch limo with Gustavo and Kelly and Griffin. A production crew follows with equipment in a van.
When putting on the high tops the wardrobe guy wants Logan to wear, the lace breaks and Carlos says he's got skate laces in his bag. Someone asks why he carries around skate laces, but the other BTR guys shrug it off-he always has his helmet, why WOULDN'T he have laces? Logan quickly unlaces and relaces the high top, years of hockey games trained his fingers to do that when they were stiff with cold. Muscle memory kicks in and he's got the shoe laced and tied before the wardrobe guy can find a pair of scissors to cut off the excess length. Logan tells him not to bother and just triple knots the bow. Kendall tells him the big floppy lace looks hip hop, perfect for the era Griffin is trying to recreate.
For some idiotic reason Griffin wanted them to make a homage to Stand By Me, a movie made before they were born and that came out way before their target tween audience was around, so they're shooting on railroad tracks that are supposed to be offline for the day. But it's been dry in the weeks since that soaking rainstorm in southern California and take after take of the boys walking down the tracks are being ruined by all the dust that's kicked up. Gustavo yells to one of the production people to just pour water on the tracks to keep the dust down. There's no water source to be had, so Gustavo tells him to use the bottled water they lugged out there for the shoot. Kelly tries to protest, and the guys know there won't be enough water in those little bottles to make much of a difference, but there's no talking Gustavo out of it, and then Griffin says it's a good idea, cheaper than paying the crew to stand around while someone drives into the nearest town for water, and their only source of hydration is foolishly wasted on the dusty trail.
The day wears on and everyone's getting cranky and dehydrated. They're losing daylight and finally the director tells Griffin they only have time to set up one more shot before the late afternoon sun will just cause glare in the camera, and with all the dust that keeps rising, he's not even sure it's worth it. Griffin tells him to just shoot two of the boys, at least that way they'll get half the dust to deal with. The director looks over all the boys, and says for contrast, he'll use a short one and a tall one. And also the blond with one of the brunets. Logan's feeling like absolute shit by this point-he felt the loss of the water first-but he realizes this could very well be the last video he appears in, and he'll be damned if someone else is walking by Kendall's side in it. He jumps right up and volunteers, not that Carlos was eager to do it. He and James slump gratefully onto the canvas chairs set up far from the railroad tracks and watch Kendall and Logan walk to another piece of track that the director hopes is less dusty since they haven't been trudging back and forth in that area.
The director puts them on a starting mark, and asks them just to keep walking forward (the camera's on a dolly rolling backwards before them, just as it's been doing all day) and follow the track when it curves off to the side, instead of staying on the straight track. He tells them to keep their heads down and look at their feet, not each other-a bit of direction they had been ignoring all day. The director yells "Action!" and they start to walk along for a bit. They're just getting to the where the second track curves away from the straight track and Kendall hears a metallic "clang" and suddenly senses Logan is not next to him any longer. He stops and looks back, and Logan's trying to move his leg closest to the rail on his side, but it seems stuck. Kendall walks back and sees the floppy lace is caught in between two massive pieces of metal where the two tracks begin to diverge.
"Kendall, it's a switch, it just went off and clamped onto the lace there, but if the trains aren't running here, it shouldn't have…"
Just then the camera guy, who is facing the boys and the track behind them screams, "SHIT!" and everyone looks up and sees that there's a train on the straight part of the track, heading towards them at a fast rate of speed.
The crew, not realizing Logan is stuck, rushes over to get the dolly off the tracks. Kendall drops to his knees and tries to pull Logan's foot free, but he's caught like a bear in a trap. The train is barreling towards them, and Kendall is trying to undo the triple knot in Logan's shoelace. Logan is screaming at Kendall to get away, to save himself, but Kendall won't listen. Logan can hear the train coming closer and closer, can feel it in the ties on the track they're standing on, and finally he has to look, he tears his terrified eyes away from looking at Kendall's head bent down in front of him and his heart stops. The train is so close Logan can clearly read all the numbers printed across its front, and he closes his eyes but opens them again to take one last look at Kendall.
At just that instant, Kendall wrenches Logan's foot with all his might, breaking the skate lace and finally pulling Logan clear of the tracks. They fall down hard on the grass on the opposite side of the tracks from where all the crew and the rest of the people are. Kendall's lying on top of Logan as the train thunders past, both of them struggling to breathe as the train throws up cinders and dirt and dust. Logan just knows Kendall can feel his heart pounding against Kendall's ribcage-Logan can feel Kendall's. Kendall is staring into Logan's eyes, his own pupils blown wide and practically obliterating the irises, making his eyes look almost as dark as Logan's own. Logan has never seen him like this-it's not passion in those beloved eyes right now, Logan can tell that much. It must be rage.
The last few cars of the train roar past, then Kendall pushes himself off Logan and gets up and storms off without saying a word to Logan, gets into the Rocque Records van that brought the crew to the shoot and takes off-speaking to no one and leaving everyone else to catch a lift home in Griffin's limo. Plus Gustavo has to get another van out there to pick up the equipment, but Kendall doesn't think of that.
Logan is silent the whole ride home in the crowded limo, thinking things over. He knows Kendall is super pissed at him because he figured out what Logan figured out when his heart stopped again, when he saw that train bearing down on them: since he DIDN'T die, but he was supposed to, he's probably not going to die as soon as anyone thought. Kendall probably hates him now for everything they've gone through together these past few months and Kendall wouldn't have had sex with Logan had he known he'd still have to face him and deal with him the rest of his life. He only had sex with him out of pity, so he wouldn't die a virgin. Logan figures he'll never be able to face Kendall again, and that Kendall probably thinks Logan purposely deceived him and tricked him. Such are the morose thoughts running through Logan's head the whole uncomfortable ride back. He should be thrilled that he's probably not dying, but all he can see is the black anger in Kendall's eyes, and his mind keeps whispering more and more reasons why that look was there into Logan's thoughts.
By the time they get back to the Palmwoods, Logan's dehydrated and carsick from the back of the limo and he barely rinses off in the shower and then falls into bed. He's so exhausted from the day's chaos that he doesn't even bother to wonder where Kendall is before basically blacking out into a dreamless sleep.
Kendall, when he left the location, had no idea where he was going, he just knew he had to get away from everyone, from everything, from what just happened. He drove faster than he should have, and just drove and drove for a while. A car horn blaring at him when he ran a red light finally brings him a bit more back to his senses and he pulls into the next parking lot he comes to. It's for a rundown little strip mall, with a liquor store on the end. He checks his back pockets and luckily his phone and his wallet are still there-he had automatically put them into the pants he changed into for the video shoot, and they hadn't flown out when he jumped out of the way of the oncoming train. He goes in to the store and pays an exorbitant amount for a six pack of spring water, gets back in the van and starts chugging the water furiously, but at least his driving has slowed down.
He drives himself up into the canyons around Los Angeles and when he comes to a scenic overlook he pulls the van over and gets out. The sun is truly setting now, the sky is ablaze with color: purple and pink and orange and blue. Logan loved sunsets, loved taking pictures of them, has a whole fucking folder of sunset pictures on his laptop…
Kendall finally breaks down and starts to cry. And cry and cry and cry. Racking ugly sobs that send the day's dust and grime and video shoot make up streaking down his cheeks and onto his shirt.
Kendall ran away from the video location because it hit him how close he came to losing Logan, and now he doesn't know how he'll survive that when it does happen. Standing there overlooking the canyon he finally allows himself to realize how close he came to letting the train kill HIM, and he would've if it wouldn't have meant Logan would have been killed by it too. His whole life, even when he lost his father, he had never had a suicidal thought so much as flit through his head. But in that moment, when the train was hurtling towards them, he thought about it. Thought how much easier everything would be for him if he didn't have to watch Logan die, if he didn't have to let Logan go soon.
He realizes as he looks down the side of the canyon that the impulse to end it has left him. He could never do that to Logan-leave him like Logan's about to leave him, like his father left him when Kendall was eight. That look Logan saw in Kendall's eyes wasn't anger, it was fear. Logan didn't recognize it as such because that's never been there before.
Kendall has probably cried out any of the moisture the bottles of water he drank provided him with, because his tears dry up and he can't cry anymore right now, even though he feels like he wants to. He rubs the back of his hand across his eyes and it comes away all grimy. The last thing he wants to do is go home and face everyone, so he drives to the only place he can think of.
He rings Gustavo's doorbell and sheepishly looks down at his feet when the producer opens the door.
"Uh, hi, Gustavo…look, I'm real sorry about taking off, and taking the van, and, uh, I'll find a way to pay for whatever it costs, me disrupting everything like that…"
Gustavo takes in Kendall's broken, disheveled look, the streaks of dried dirt and mud and make up on his designer plain white Tshirt the wardrobe guy had put him in. Gustavo has no idea what got Kendall so upset, but he knows that in all the years working with this young man, he's never looked how he looks now: defeated.
"Stop right there, Kendall," Gustavo tells him, holding up a hand when it appears Kendall's about to try to apologize for something else. "Already had a call from Griffin. The railway company's lawyers have made him a sweet settlement offer to avoid a gross negligence claim. They're giving him money that will cover the cost of today, plus enough to shoot the complete video three times over with Martin Scorsese directing. Everything's okay, kid."
Kendall slumps against the doorframe, but Gustavo can tell he's still not feeling better about…something.
"Kendall, is there anything I could do for you? Anything you want, just name it."
"Could I maybe…uh, stay here for tonight?" Kendall asks.
Gustavo blinks in surprise. He's never really thought about it, but the last thing he'd ever expect would be for Kendall Knight to spend time away from his friends. Clearly something's going on, but Gustavo figures if Kendall wanted him to know what it was, he'd tell him.
"Of course!" Gustavo booms, probably a little too loudly. "Upstairs, third door on the left-best guest room in the house. Um, there's towels and robes and anything you'd need. You want me to order in some dinner? Some Chinese or a pizza?"
"No thanks, Gustavo. I think I'll just shower off and then get to bed. Thanks a lot, you have no idea how much this means to me."
"Well, sure," Gustavo said, stepping aside to allow Kendall in and giving his back an awkward pat as he walked by.
Kendall calls his mom and says he's staying the night there, Gustavo said it'd be okay. She's just so relieved he's finally called-the other guys have been home for hours and James and Carlos told her all they knew, which wasn't much, and she's been frantic waiting to hear from her son. All her calls were going straight to voicemail, her texts were unanswered. She figures he obviously needs space for whatever reason, so she'll give it to him rather than pepper him with questions. She merely tells him to be sure to call in the morning, and then tells him goodnight and bites her lip in worry when he doesn't respond, he just disconnects the call.
Kendall gets into the huge walk-in shower, turns the water on full blast, slides his back down one of the walls into a sitting position with his knees pulled up in front of him and cries some more. It's killing him he can't tell Logan that he loves him, but Logan's been adamant about that-he doesn't want anyone loving him and Kendall figures that's because it'll hurt Logan too much to have to let them go. He knows life won't be worth living without Logan, but he thinks he's going to have to, and soon. He remembers the two days they spent at the elite hospital Dr. Chowdray had Logan go to for all his tests-it seems so long ago, because so much has happened since then, but it's only been a few months.
Logan looked impossibly small and pale, just like he had on the first day they met. They had him put on one of those hospital gowns and those socks with rubber treads glued to the bottom so you don't slip on the floors. Kendall and Logan went from waiting area to machines to treadmills to hospital bed as the nurses and technicians and even the doctor himself put Logan through innumerable tests and pokings and proddings. Kendall thought he was in everyone's way, but he needn't have worried, the medical professionals were grateful for his presence. He obviously had a calming effect on the other young man, and the two looked at each other with such caring and concern that everyone there knew they belonged together. Logan was uncomplaining and brave no matter what they had to do to him, because his friend was right there, and they were being strong for each other.
Kendall had no way of knowing everyone else was feeling all that, of course. All he knew was Logan had all these needles jabbed into him, and had monitors stuck onto him with those little white circles at the end of wires, and that everyone seemed so serious every step of the way. All he could do was stay out of everyone's space but stick as close to Logan as possible, and hold his hand and rub his shoulder when he could get close enough.
Kendall finally notices he's shivering, and that all his skin has turned pruney. He slowly stands up and makes a half hearted attempt to soap up his body and wash his hair. He gets out of the shower and wraps himself in the big cotton robe with the Rocque Records logo embroidered on the back. He falls into bed in the spacious guest room and stares at the ceiling for a few hours, but never goes to sleep.
At two in the morning, he goes back to 2J (he made a brief attempt to find a paper and pen at Gustavo's and leave him a note letting him know he was taking the van again, but settled for sending him a text). He has to rouse Bitters out of bed because his clothes and his keys were left at the video shoot, Kendall assumes they were brought back to the record studio by the wardrobe guy, but he doesn't even really care. Any protests Bitters might have made die on his lips when he, like Gustavo hours before, takes in the very "un-Kendall" way he looks. Kendall had put his dirty clothes from the video back on when he got up in the middle of the night, and he looks like he's been fighting off coyotes, in Bitters' assessment.
Kendall quietly lets himself into their bedroom and strips off all his dirty clothes and gets into bed naked behind Logan and holds him tight and says how he had promised him he'd never spend a night alone, and he's so sorry he broke that promise and wasted some of their time together by running off. Logan rolls over so he can face Kendall and just kisses him and kisses him and tells him it's all right, that everything will be all right.
Kendall starts to cry again, quietly with big tears spilling out of his scared eyes, and he breaks down and admits to Logan, "I only split because I was so afraid of losing you. I don't know how I'll survive it when I do lose you-you came to me and pulled me through losing my dad, but there will be no one to do that when you're gone. I hate myself for being so selfish, Logan, I know you have the hard part to play in all this, but I can't help it. I need you, to make things all right."
Logan doesn't want to get his hopes up, but he can't stand to see Kendall so hurt, so he tells him about the night Kendall came back from the mountain, and how it felt like his heart stopped then and he was fine when it started back up again. And now not dying on the tracks is making him think maybe the diagnosis could be incorrect.
"Kendall, maybe we have more time than we thought."