Eating Me Alive

Chapter 5

I don't own Bleach

I woke up very early for me the next morning and I was revealed to find that I was along in the room. I got dressed and collected my things faster then I think I ever got dressed in my life. once I was sure that I had everything I needed and or wanted for the day pushed the door open and walked out. I looked to the left to where the 10th's office was located at just wanting to make sure that I could get out without him standing in the way. I slid the door closed sort of and was about to walk out of the 10th when a hand grabbed my arm. I jumped and turned around to see Matsumoto looking at me with a small smile.

"trying to sneak out are we" She said to me with a glint in her eyes "come on lets go get some lunch looks like you need someone to talk to that isn't Tōshirō or Izuru"

"um...no...It's only 9:15 in the morning" I tried to get out "isn't lunch a more after noon thing besides I want to go clean my Zanpakutō."

She looked at me and saw my Zanpakutō with the blood stains on it.

"Then lets go clean it" She said to me "Then we'll go and get lunch

She looked at me with that you can't get out of it look.

"I don't know" I started

"that or I can take you into that office" She said pointing down the hall at the door "And I can tell him that you where trying to sneak out. And if you think that little fight last night was bad I shutter to think how bad it would be if he found out about you trying to sneak out."

I made a face that made her smile knowing that she had one. She genitally grabbed my arm and drag me out of the 10th's office pushing it open. At first I thought that she was going to rat me out, I was making a list of all the evil things I was going to call her. However she stopped at the door and waited for Tōshirō to look up from his paper work.

"Hey" She said in her shipper voice "I'm taking Momo to clean her Zanpakutō then we're going to lunch."

I was surprised that she wasn't asking for permission she was telling him. But then I was worried that he was going to come out of the office and talk to us. It seemed that wasn't going to happen either.

"Don't get drunk we have a lot of paper work do." was all he said with a smile in his voice

The next thing I know I was dragged out of the 10th and over to a quite pond. She flopped down on the grass and looked up at the cloudless sky. I couldn't help but smile at her and I got to work. It wasn't taking as long as I thought that it would have but I was taking extra care with it after all Tobiume had a sprite in her and she needed to know that I was willing to get back to work with her. I was polishing the flowers on the hilt when I saw the pink glow and I felt a warmth from it.

"it seems she's happy I am alive" I said to Rangiku

"I would hope so" Rangiku said with a smile

As I was patting the last of the water off my Zanpakutō when Rangiku appeared at my shoulder looking at me.

"I bet she's also happy to be clean." she said as she offered me a hand to help me up "Nothing like a god bath to clear ones mind"

I let Rangiku dragged me off out to an early lunch. We sat eating I mostly pushed my food around not really hungry although the tea was nice. She on the other hand ate like any normal person who didn't feel like the world was falling down around them would eat. Rangiku looked at me with those blue eyes of hers and I felt myself wanting to be as far away from her as I could get.

"Okay Momo so talk to me" She said after awhile when she realized that I had stopped eating "I know that this isn't about you trying to have independence as some of the boys have suggested. It can't just be about Aizen... although I'm sure that is part of it."

She was giving me as look as I started to bite my lip trying to work it out. I wasn't sure that I wanted to talk about it.

"I promise that I wouldn't tell anyone what you tell me." She said as she crossed her heart "come on...you can't keep it to yourself forever. It'll eat you alive"

"Captain Hitsugaya" I said finally

Matsumoto chocked on her tea and looked at me through shocked eyes. This wasn't what she was expecting she put her cup down and coughed a few times.

"Tōshirō?" She asked when she was able to talk "What about him?

"He almost died because of me" I said fighting back my tears putting my hands together on top of the table "I don't think I could live with myself if he died because of me. I mean I know that it comes with our job and it's part of our life as soul reapers. But I'll be damned if he puts himself in a place like that because of me...again."

Matsumoto had a far off look in her eyes. She picked up her cup and sipped her tea and looked at me with a thoughtful. She smiled as she reached out and grabbed one of my hands and gave it an light squeeze. It seemed that everyone was doing that like the squeeze would make everything better.

"I've know Tōshirō for a while!" She said to me with a smile "Not as long as you have, I mean you have know him your whole life. I can tell you this...he's more protective of you then anyone in the whole of soul society. He puts himself in that place because that's just how he is."

"He's over protective!" I sighed with a shake of my head "I am more then capable of taking care of myself"

We both laughed and I realize just how good that felt to laugh.

"true but it's more then that Momo" Rangiku said with a sad smile "I saw him while you where in the 4th. It was like he was running on auto polite he was there but he wasn't at the sometime."

I wasn't sure I wanted to hear but I had a feeling she wasn't going to stop.

"He wouldn't yell at me for not doing my half of the paper work, when he wasn't at the 10th he would be at the 4th with you." She said with a hunted look in her eyes "I'll admit this only to you and if you tell him I will disavowal that I told you this. But I would eavesdrop when he would talk to you. He would talk about when you where kids, what it was like for him when you left him for the academy, and how this was so much harder for him. All he wanted was for you to wake up and open you're eyes."

"this just make it worse" I said crying for real now "the guilt" it's eating me alive Rangiku."

I was reminded of Rukia who for a while also lived with a crushing guilt about Kaien Shiba. I briefly thought about talking to her about how she lives with that kind of guilt.

"It's simple don't let it." Rangiku said to me "What's done is done. Stop dwelling on it. Aizen betrayed you and tried to kill you but look at yourself. You're awake and living a life without him in it. If you want another example look at me and Izuru. Gin was my childhood friend much like you and Tōshirō. He was Izuru's Captain and yeah he didn't try to kills us, no he just used us. Then there is Captain Sajin Komamura he was a close friend to Captain Kaname and now they're enemies. Quite a few of us have felt the in one way or another what you are. The difference is you almost died because of it all."

I looked at her and then looked at the food in front of me. And I took a real bight of it hungry finally, it was good to be reminded about the fact that there where other that where going through some of the same things as I was.

"You're not alone in this Momo" She said with a smile "You have me, Izuru, Renji and Tōshirō to help you. So stop trying to do this alone, let those that love you help you."

We ate the rest of are meal not talking I think she was talked out and I was grateful for that. When we where done She and I walked back to the 10th together talking about Captain Hitsugaya and each trying to copy his cranky face.

"When he joined I had a feeling that he would end up a captain." I told her thinking about how he young he was for that kind of responsibility "when we where little we would sit and eat watermelon and his pile was always so much bigger then mine ever could have been. When I went off to the academy when I came home to visit I would talk and talk and talk until he couldn't take anymore of it. He would then spit the seeds at me as a way to get me to shout up. I do tend to talk a lot."

We reached the 10th I kind of kept back not wanting to really go in and see him. Matsumoto looked at me and smiled taking my hand.

"I have to go back in but you don't" She said to me "you can keep right on walking about go about you day. But sooner or later you're going to have to talk to him. and just between us girls better sooner rather then later."

She left me outside of the 10th. I really had to made up my mind about this. I was about to walk off when I realized something...it hit me like a ton of bricks. Could the reason that he would go to all that for me was because he thought of me as more then just a friend? I found myself on my back watching the clouds when and pop up in my elbow when I saw Renji and Rukia walking in odd looking robes when I saw that they happened to be holding hands I wondered if maybe I could have that too. I was beginning to wounder if maybe...just maybe.