Voldemort and the Muggle Careers
Chapter Two: Psychiatrist- Hookers and Demonic Possessions Galore
"What!" yelled the former potions master of Hogwarts.
"Shh! Keep your voice down!" hissed Lucius.
Severus Snape paced back and forth in the library of Malfoy Manor. Earlier, he had gotten a very important message from their fastest owl. The handwriting on it was worse than the chicken scratches of Harry Potter, and that's saying something. He only managed to make out a few of the few of the words, such as 'Voldemort…crazy…muggles…why me?'
Right now, Lucius had just broken the news to everyone's favorite potions professor that Voldemort has gone mental.
"Are you telling me that Voldemort would rather work with muggles than kill them?" asked Snape.
Lucius nodded.
"You have to help me," the blond Death Eater pleaded.
"How? The Dark Lord has gone completely off his rocker! I remember a time when he would have killed puppies and kittens, even snakes, than socialize with muggles."
"I know, I know," replied Lucius with his head in his hands. He was sitting on his favorite sofa. It was the red one that looked like one of those therapist sofas where you could lie down on and spill all your secrets.
Snape sat down next to him with a look of complete horror. Those poor unsuspecting muggles. Killing them would have been less obvious.
"Has he started this plan of his?" he asked.
"Yes, he was an ice cream man yesterday."
"Great, I'll never look at ice cream the same way again."
"He actually thought a book that taught German was a driving manual," complained Lucius.
"German? You know what; I don't even want to know. The whole image of our Dark Lord as an ice cream man is enough to give me nightmares," Snape sighed. "I wonder if I have any dreamless sleep potion lying around."
After a moment of silence, Snape spoke again. "Has he said what his next career will be?"
Lucius shook his head.
"You know, I have a theory."
"What?" Malfoy asked.
"Since his defeat of Potter, he's been acting strange. It's like Potter was what made him complete. It gave him something to look forward to. Now that it's over, nothing and no one can stop him. He's trying to fill the gap that Potter made with these muggle careers."
Lucius looked at him with a look of awe. "You know, you might be right. Why don't we try bringing Potter back?"
"You mean necromancy?"
"Don't you have to give up an arm or something?"
"Yes, something like that," replied Snape with a twisted smile.
Obviously, the former potions master new something Malfoy didn't, and it seemed bad.
They sat in silence for an immeasurable amount of time, trying to think of a better plan than giving up an arm.
Soon, the door to the library opened, startling the two Death Eaters.
"Draco, what are you doing here?"
"The Dark Lord is here to see you," he sneered. Why do I have to act like owl now? I was just getting busy with that mudblood Granger. Surprisingly, she's a good kisser, thought Draco with a goofy, dreamy smile.
Snape and Lucius looked at each with a mixture of fear and constipation on their faces.
"Snape, what are you doing here?" asked Voldemort.
"I came to visit Lucius. If you have important business with him, I'll leave," said Snape, a little too quickly.
"No, no, no, I'm glad you're here. Has Lucius told you about my plan?"
"Yes, and I think it's wonderful."
"Good, you can help, too."
Snape made strange noise in the back of his throat. "Of course."
"So, what will be your next course of action?" asked Lucius.
"Psychiatrist."
That one word made Snape and Lucius flinch in fear. Who knows what kind of affect he'll have on poor, innocent suicidal patients?
Snape and Lucius were wringing their hands in unison as Voldemort talked to the secretary. How he had gotten a doctor's degree in psychology and medicine astounded them. It took years of schooling, but he received his in less than five minutes. The internet was such a useful tool. Well, that was what Voldemort told them when they asked about the degree.
The two Death Eaters followed him inside with their heads bowed and their long capes flowing behind them. It created a very dramatic effect. The secretary shivered. Today was not going to be a very good day.
"Is that my favorite couch?" shouted Lucius.
Voldemort blinked. "Yes, I hope that you don't mind."
"No, of course not," replied Lucius through gritted teeth.
Snape covered his mouth with his head, trying to hide his smile.
"Now, I want you two to be my bodyguards. I heard that muggles that go to psychiatrists are mentally unstable. We don't want to risk me getting hurt before I rule the world, now do we?"
"No," they replied monotonously.
"Good."
The secretary entered with a patient's file covering her face. "Your first patient is here. Oh and here's their file." She threw the file across the room, hitting Snape in the face.
It was Lucius' turn to laugh.
Grudgingly, Snape handed Voldemort the file. He rubbed his nose.
"Does my nose look okay?" he asked the blond man.
"It's no more crooked than usual."
"Thanks…hey!"
"Stop acting like a couple of toddlers! My patient is here!" yelled Voldemort.
The patient in question was petite woman with dark circles under her eyes. She had overdone her make up as well. Her messy black hair gave her a deranged look. She was wearing a tight, red leather miniskirt and a shirt that didn't leave much to the imagination.
The three men in the rooms were left with their mouths open.
Voldemort cleared his throat. "Please, have a seat." His voice cracked.
She walked slowly because of her stiletto heels. She laid seductively on the sofa. They couldn't stop staring at her, mostly the chest area.
"So, Miss Valentine, what exactly are you here for?" asked Voldemort, looking at her file. Keep your eyes down and stop thinking naughty thoughts, he thought. Oh my, she's leaning toward me! What do I do? What do I do?
"What's your name, luv?" she asked.
"You can call me Tom."
"Tom, eh? It suits you, luv. You can call me Sheila."
"Okay, Sheila, what are you here for?"
"That lucky devil," whispered Lucius to Snape.
"You're married, you moron. Stop thinking all those wrong thoughts of yours. I know Legilimency."
"What happened to all that eye contact nonsense?"
"You're standing right next to me. There really is no point."
"You know what? I just found another reason why I love that sofa," said Lucius, leaning towards Snape.
Snape shoved him away. "You sick bastard."
Sheila was currently drawing doodles on Voldemort's sleeves with her finger.
"So, you mean to tell me that you sleep with every man you see," concluded Voldemort.
"Yes, for the right price, though," she replied licking her lips.
Voldemort stretched his collar. "Is it hot in here or is it just me?"
"Um, Miss Valentine, your time is up. Please pay at the front desk," said the secretary, who had quietly snuck in without anyone noticing.
"Alright," replied Shelia, pinching Voldemort's cheeks. She planted a kiss on his cheek, leaving a blood red imprint of her lips. He raised his hand to touch the place where she had kissed him.
Voldemort's eyes narrowed. "That secretary is going to die, painfully."
Snape and Lucius cowered in fear.
The next patient came in. It was Mr. John Greenstone.
"So, Mr. Greenstone, what are you here for?"
"My doctor sent me here. I've been hearing strange voices, and furniture moves without anyone touching it. And, sometimes, the temperature in my room reaches 10 below. Oh, and I have these blackouts where I won't remember anything."
Voldemort rubbed his chin. "I see. Do you ever have thoughts about suicide or murdering anyone?"
"Yes," he whispered.
"There's nothing to worry then. It's normal to feel like killing someone every once and awhile."
"Really?"
Voldemort nodded.
"See, I told you!" Mr. Greenstone said that, but that didn't sound like him. His voice was deeper and it sounded like he was speaking with two different voices at the same time. His eyes shined red for a second and his face looked greener. "Stop staring you two!" His head made a 360 turn.
Lucius and Snape jumped back in surprise. Snape reached for his wand. His hand was shaking.
"Um…what spell should I cast?" he frantically asked Lucius.
"I don't know! Try a freezing charm. He likes the cold!" Lucius hid behind Snape.
"Right!" The room was instantly made colder. Mr. Greenstone relaxed a bit. His head went back to normal.
Voldemort gulped. "Um, I'm going to prescribe these pills for you. It will help you relax and clear your thoughts if it ever gets too murderous, or if you feel like turning your head in a full circle," he said the last bit quietly.
"What did you say?" The demonic voice of Mr. Greenstone came back.
"Nothing," squeaked Voldemort. "Just take it! Leave, and you don't have to pay!" He threw the paper at him and ran behind Snape.
They watched Mr. Greenstone walk away on the sidewalk below them through the window. They saw him scare a little girl and run carelessly through a busy four way intersection without getting hit. The cars were magically being deflected from him.
"You know what?" Voldemort asked.
"What?" said Lucius.
"That man has the makings to take over my Death Eater army if I'm every incapacitated."
Lucius and Snape stared at him with fearful looks, and physically moved away from him as Voldemort was still looking for more signs of Mr. Greenstone.
The two Death Eaters snuck out of the room.
"What in the bloody hell happened to her?" asked Snape, covering his eyes.
"Greenstone," replied Lucius. His eyes were squeezed shut at the gruesome sight.
The poor secretary must have asked for him to pay. She was suspended from the ceiling fan that was on. Her head was lodged between two blades of the fan and her body was frantically spinning, splattering blood at random people. A stapler was shoved through her stomach as well.
"Sorry, I'm back again. I forgot my…underwear." It was Sheila. She screamed and ran out.
"Underwear, huh?" said Snape, thinking outloud.
"Wonder where it is," said Lucius, rubbing his chin.
"Underwear?" screamed Voldemort excitedly from down the hall.
To be continued. . .
CrazyDreamerGirl: Insanity plays a big part in life, and in this story. So, if you don't want a crazy person attacking you, I suggest reviewing. Thank you! Oh, and I messed up with the title in the last chapter. Don't bother telling me, and I refuse to fix it on the grounds that I am too lazy! REVIEW!