Voldemort and the Muggle Careers
Chapter 3: I Know Someone Who Knows Someone Who…
Snape and Lucius grudgingly walked to Voldemort's lair. Lucius' son was leaning against the doorway, kicking stones away. He scowled at the cracks on the wall. By the time the two grown Death Eaters reached the doorway that lead inside, they were panting heavily. Snape leaned on Lucius' shoulder.
"Get off!" Lucius said weakly, shoving Snape off him.
Draco kept scowling at the wall. Thoughts of what happened earlier replayed through his mind. It was very disturbing.
Draco knocked on the door. He heard a raspy voice telling him to go away.
"But you called for me, sir," replied Draco.
"Oh, that's right. Come in."
Voldemort had called for him. He had very urgent matters to discuss with him. He leaned back in his red armchair that looked suspiciously like a throne. He took a tissue, and rubbed an emerald until he could see himself.
Draco walked in, bowed, and stayed in that position.
"Stand," commanded Voldemort.
Draco obeyed. "What did you need to speak to me for?"
Voldemort stood up, black robes swishing behind him. That's Snape's trademark. I wonder if he knows about that, thought Draco.
"I've been feeling very lonely and useless," admitted Voldemort.
Draco's eyes widened, making him look like Trelawny. "What do you mean?"
"Nothing I do is working. I have
yet to conquer the muggles."
"Why don't you just blast them into oblivion and get it over with," mumbled Draco.
"What did you say?" asked Voldemort innocently.
Is it even possible for him to be innocent? thought Draco. "Nothing."
Voldemort plopped back down on his throne-like chair. He buried his face in his hands. "Come, sit next to me." With a swish of his wand, a chair appeared out of nowhere next to him.
Draco sat down nervously.
"I don't know what to do next," said Voldemort.
"Well, if I may suggest something," began Draco. Voldemort motioned for him to continue. "I know someone who knows someone who knows this guy that smuggles illegal creatures who knows this witch who knows this nice muggle family that needs a babysitter for tonight."
Voldemort blinked. It took him
awhile to soak in all that information. "So, are you telling me
that I should baby sit?"
Draco nodded.
Voldemort rubbed his chin in deep thought. He stood up. He looked down. His left arm twitched and he fell to his knees. Draco pushed himself back. Voldemort was frantically searching for something. He stood up with a triumphant grin.
"I have found my lucky coin!"
Draco looked away. He could not let the Dark Lord see him laughing.
"With this coin, I shall decide whether or not to take that job."
"How are you planning on doing that?" asked Draco.
"Well, baby sit is heads, and not baby sitting is tails."
"Oh."
Voldemort flipped the coin. It seemed to fall in slow motion. Finally it landed. It twirled for a few seconds and fell on its ridges. There was no choice. Draco stomped his foot really hard. It wobbled, but stayed like that. Voldemort looked at the coin with utter disgust. He cast a melting charm on it. It was now a puddle of gold.
Voldemort narrowed his eyes. "If you squint your eyes, it looks like heads…I'll take the job! Call Lucius and Snape!"
And so, Draco did call them, and was waiting for the two out of shape Death Eaters to control their breathing.
"So," began Snape, "what does Voldemort need us for this time?"
"You'll find out soon enough." Draco walked inside. They followed him.
Lucius muttered something to Snape. "Hasn't seen his father in Merlin knows when, and ignores me like I'm some filthy mudblood…I'm so proud of him."
Snape rolled his eyes.
They stopped in front of a very large door. The two grown men looked up in awe.
"Voldemort's private chambers," said Lucius.
"Did you hear about what happened to Bellatrix when she went in there?" asked Snape.
"Yeah, it was around the Ministry of Magic incident. Those were some Cruciatus Curses," replied Lucius.
"Yeah, no one goes in there without having an Unforgivable Curse used on them," said Snape.
Draco snorted. He went in there, and there was no evil curses used on him. That just showed that he was Voldemort's favorite.
"You go first," said Lucius, shoving Snape forward.
"No, you go!"
"You!"
"You!"
"You!"
"You!"
Draco began tapping his foot in frustration. He opened the very large doors and walked in.
"No, Draco, it's not your time!" yelled Lucius on his knees. "You haven't found a decent pure blooded witch yet!"
Draco ignored him. He sighed heavily. Ever since he slipped out the fact that he was a Death Eater, Hermione dumped him and moved on to Ron. It was a very emotional five minutes. He got over it and went over to the Three Broomsticks and picked up a couple of random witches.
Back to the story, Snape and Lucius gathered up all the courage they had and went in after Draco. He was too young to see the horrors of Voldemort's private chambers.
They shielded their eyes, and bumped right into Draco.
"Enough of this foolish!" commanded Voldemort.
They stood in a straight line, like in the military. They bowed.
They watched Voldemort pace. Behind the greatest Dark Lord were the horrors of his private chambers. A big, canopy bed was in the corner. Nagini was draped over the bed, slithering. It looked like it trapped a mouse on the bed. The walls were painted in various shades of green and silver. He had a very large bookcase that was practically empty, except for a few books. A muggle contraption was also there. I t was colorful bird that would lean forward and dip its head in water. It was very annoying. He also had many mirrors and a strange gel on his dresser. It read: Scalp Shiner. At least he was concerned over his appearance. Also, many black robes were scattered around. Apparently, he had a hard time picking an outfit for today.
"I have that problem too," whispered Lucius to Snape.
"Nagini, how many times do I have to tell you? Do not eat Death Eaters unless I tell you to!" yelled Voldemort in parseltongue.
A rat came scurrying toward Voldemort. It transformed into Peter. "Thank you, Master!" He kissed the hem of his robes and ran out.
"Anyway, I have called you here for very important business. I have decided to another approach to this whole Muggle business."
"Really? Like what?" Lucius asked.
"I will…" he paused for dramatic tension, "…baby sit!"
Draco rolled his eyes. This was old news. But Snape and Lucius were in complete shock. Their mouths were wide open, gaping like a fish out of water.
Snape was the first to recover. "Do you know who you will baby sit?"
"Oh, yes, Draco has set it all up for me. Wish me luck," said Voldemort. "Oh, make sure you feed Nagini. She gets very irritable if she doesn't eat every two hours. And whatever you do, do not stay in the same room with her for very long. She likes to hug things."
He walked out. The three blinked and looked at each other. "So, what do we do now?" asked Draco.
"Get the hell out of here," said Snape calmly and ran out.
Father and son looked down. Nagini was beginning the hugging process. They gulped and ran out. They did not want to know how it felt like to be hugged by a 300 pound snake.
Unfortunately, they left the giant door open. Nagini slithered out looking for a very unsuspecting Death Eater that had a certain liking to being a rat. Human rats were her favorite.
Voldemort fixed his black robes. He sniffed his underarms. He cringed. "Perfect."
He raised his white, bony hand and knocked. He repeatedly knocked in a tune that sounded oddly like the song "Bad Day." The door opened, but he didn't notice. He kept on knocking on a man's forehead.
"Sounds hollow," said Voldemort.
Someone cleared their throat. Voldemort smiled nervously and followed the man inside. He looked around the house. It was very spacious. As he looked around, he almost tripped on a fire truck. He caught himself before he fell and broke his nose. Wait a second, I don't have a real nose, he thought.
A woman came down the stairs. She was trying to put on her high heel shoes. "That's the babysitter!" she asked in shock. After all, seeing a pale, bald, slits for nose, red-eyed, black robed man in your living room didn't happen everyday.
The man gave her a disapproving look.
"Don't worry, I get this all the time," said Voldemort.
"Um, what is your name again?" she asked.
"Voldemort, You-Know-Who, He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named, or Tom."
"Right, follow us, Tom," said the man.
"Don't call me that," said Voldemort seriously.
"But you just said-never mind," the man replied.
He was led into the kitchen.
"Here is a list of all the emergency numbers, in case," the woman said.
"The fire department, the police department, my cell, their grandparents, Poison Control-well, you get the picture," the man said.
"You will be watching over our little angels." The woman began frantically looking around with a giant smile. It was as if she were being threatened by the children…no, that's dumb.
Voldemort found this very odd. If anyone should feel threatened, it should be because of him.
"Triplets," the mad elaborated. "Two boys, one girl; Peter, Michael, and Wendy."
"They're playing outside right now," the woman said, pushing her husband out the door. "Please hesitate to call us!"
Voldemort blinked. "Right, how hard can a couple of kids be?"
He walked outside, under the light of the setting sun. His eye twitched. "I never liked sun light."
He saw a kiddy pool in the middle of the yard. The colors were blinding; pink, green, blue, yellow, red. He rubbed his eyes. Three children were splashing around. A giant wave of water hit Voldemort. He glared at them. The kids huddle near each other under the Dark Lord's shadow. He looked very menacing, but the idea of the boogeyman finally coming after them was banished from their minds as soon as Voldemort spoke.
"There are three of you?"
The girl was the first to recover. "Yeah, stupid, didn't our parents tell you that?"
Voldemort picked up Wendy from her ponytail. He brought her close to his face. "Address me by my proper name, Lord Voldemort, your baby sitter, and I am not stupid. In fact, I am a very brilliant, evil overlord."
Wendy gagged. "What did you eat? It smells like you ate a dead person!"
"Thank you." He dropped Wendy on Peter, or was it Michael? He couldn't tell.
They scrambled out of the pool. Peter, or Michael, whistled. Voldemort turned around. His eyes widened. A giant, black dog was snarling at him. It appeared out of nowhere. It had beady, red eyes. He screamed like a little girl. He turned to run, but it was too late. The dog jumped on his back, knocking face first into the pool.
The dog stayed on top of him. He flailed around, gurgling. "Can't swim!"
They motioned for the dog to come off him. He was still flailing around madly. It was odd. The pool wasn't even six inches deep, even with a full grown adult in it.
"I guess scary albino babysitters can't swim," said Peter, or Michael.
The other boy nodded.
Wendy clapped her hands together and smiled mischievously. "This is going to be good."
Voldemort sat on the sofa with a towel wrapped around him. He was still wearing his robes, thankfully. (We all had our fill of a naked Dark Lord in the Goblet of Fire movie.) He was trying to blow his nose, but couldn't. It was very difficult, especially since he had two slits in place of a nose. The water had gone up his snake-like nose, and it bothered him greatly.
The children sat in front of him in a semi-circle. They stared at him. That also bothered him greatly. Abruptly, he stood up, scaring them. The towel fell on top of Peter, or Michael. He screamed, tossing it away.
"I'm so stupid," said Voldemort.
"I know you are," said Wendy.
Voldemort glowered. He pulled out his want and cast a drying charm on his robes. Then, he used another charm to rid his nose of the excess water. A trail of booger filled water came out, falling on top of Peter or Michael. (The same one that was unfortunate enough to touch his towel.) He screamed, running around in a circle.
No one spared him a passing glance.
"Let's play," said Voldemort sinisterly.
And so, the greatest, the most evil sorcerer in the world was going to play with three eight year olds with muggle toys.
What he saw next scarred him for life: Harry Potter action figures, posters, and plushies, the replicas of Hogwarts, the Quidditch field, the Forbidden Forest, Hogsmeade, the Ministry of Magic, and a place called number 12, Grimmauld Place, and action figures of Snape, Dumbledore, Filch, Lucius, Hagrid, Ron, Hermione, Peter, Peter in rat form Sirius, Sirius in dog form, Remus, werewolf Remus, James Potter, James in stag form, Lily Potter, the fat boy he sold ice cream to, his mother, a fat man that must be his father, a hippogriff, and Dobby. He blinked. No Voldemort merchandise whatsoever. No, he didn't care that a couple of muggles had all this merchandise about people he encountered in his life; he only cared that he was no where in site.
He growled. He raised his wand and cursed everything into oblivion, except for the Snape, Lucius, and Draco action figures. They were his favorite followers.
The triplets began to wail. He walked dramatically out, black robes swishing, but not before picking up those three action figures. He stomped down the stairs, muttering to himself. "How the hell do muggle children find out about magic, and not have at least one thing about me? Maybe they're wizards…no, that's stupid. Their parents would have screamed and ran away from me the moment they saw me. They had clearly not even heard of me. But-gah! This is making my head hurt!"
The phone rang. He picked it up, looking at it suspiciously.
"Hello." Voldemort didn't hear anything. He flipped it, and tried again. "Hello."
"Do you like my body?" the random person said over the phone. The voice was clearly female. She said that statement a lot like that blond person from the Trim Spa commercial. Voldemort couldn't recall her name.
"What? Who is this?" Voldemort plugged his other ear with his finger. Those kids had a nice set of lungs.
"Do you like my body?"
"You didn't answer my previous questions! I demand you tell me who you are, where you live, and a short, but accurate description of your appearance and hobbies so I may track you down on the grounds that I am an evil sorcerer!"
"Well…do you like it?"
"Do I like what? Cheese? I don't like two pieces of cheese."
"No, my body."
"What about it? Oh, right, you're asking if I like it."
"Yes."
"I have not seen your body. I cannot tell you if I like it if I have not seen it."
"You just suck the fun out of prank phone calls, you know that?"
She hung up. Voldemort looked at the phone and shrugged his shoulders. "What's her problem?" He put the phone down on the receiver.
Out of nowhere, he was tackled. "What? What's going on?"
Peter and Michael dragged him to a chair. Voldemort, not surprisingly, had no strength to even fight off a couple of children. Wendy began to circle him, giggling maniacally. It was after the first couple minutes that Voldemort realized she was wrapping him in something.
It was gray and sticky. "An elephant's trunk!" he exclaimed. "How dare you kill an elephant! They're endangered, I think. And, they are one of my favorite animals."
The three kids stared at him. It was Wendy who spoke up. "No, you idiot, it's duct tape!
"Oh…what's that?"
The triplets groaned.
Voldemort struggled to get free. He tried to reach for his wand, but couldn't.
"We also have your magic stick," said Peter, or Michael. He really couldn't tell them apart.
"We are going to play Indians. You are our captive, and we're going to sacrifice you to Mother Earth," explained Wendy, smiling evilly. The effect of the smile wasn't as good as she hoped because she was missing a couple teeth.
They began to put face paint on using lipstick. Voldemort watched on, horrified. They began circling him with bent backs. They seemed to be chanting. The Wendy girl stopped, causing the boys to bump into her. She glared.
She took out something that looked a lot like matches.
"Didn't your parents say not to play with fire?" asked Voldemort nervously. He might have to be reborn, again. He gulped.
She struck the match on the box. It didn't light. She tried repeatedly, but it didn't work. Voldemort opened his eyes to see why he wasn't burning. Peter, or Michael, grabbed it.
"Let me try," he said.
Wendy huffed. It reminded him of Bellatrix on her PMS.
Just when he got it lit, the doorbell rang.
"Thank Merlin! I'm saved! I mean, I'll get it," said Voldemort.
He had a hard time getting to the door strapped into the chair. Once there, he realized he couldn't open it in the condition he was in. He growled in frustration. The tape disappeared. Accidental magic was great. He turned to face the triplets. He stuck his tongue out. They cringed. His tongue was forked.
He opened the door. It was a Chinese man. He was holding a variety of products to sell. Voldemort groaned. He hated door-to-door salesmen. They came to his lair all the time. It was a chore calling Nagini to eat them.
He shut the door, but it didn't want to close. He repeatedly tried to slam the door shut, but couldn't. He looked down. The man had jabbed his foot there to stop him.
He faced the Oriental man. He was red in the face from pain.
"What do you want?" asked Voldemort.
A flurry of words flowed from his mouth, but didn't understand a word of it. It was like he was speaking in Pig Latin, but he was fluent in Pig Latin. Voldemort raised his brow, well, he would have if he had any. His head was spinning!
"Hold on a second," the Dark Lord said.
"Okay," the Chinese man said in perfect English. There was no accent at all.
Voldemort blinked. He turned around and pulled Wendy's ponytail until she gave him his wand. He returned to the salesman.
"It's been a pleasure talking to you, but your time has come," said Voldemort. "Avada Kedavra."
A flash of green light erupted from his wand, killing the man. He looked around, making sure no one saw. He levitated the man into the bushes. Whistling, he walked back.
The triplets screamed and ran upstairs. Voldemort shrugged his shoulders and sat down on the sofa.
The phone rang. He put it upside down again, but fixed it quickly.
"Hello," said Voldemort.
"I am an albino." The person was oddly familiar, but he couldn't place his finger on it.
"Really? Me too!" exclaimed Voldemort.
"That's nice," replied the person with uncertainty in her voice.
"I'm so glad I found another albino. I have so many questions to ask."
"Oookay."
"You see, I have this problem with the white hair on my back. It itches like hell. The healers I kidnapped didn't help at all. I was wondering if you had the same problem."
"Um, yeah."
Voldemort sighed deeply. "I'm so relieved. The skin back there was getting all diseased and disgusting. I was starting to think I had leprosy or something. Not that I can die though. I still have a few more horcruxes the Boy-Who-Is-No-Longer-Alive didn't find. Anyway, do your red eyes drive away people of the opposite sex?"
There was no answer. Instead, Voldemort heard a clicking noise.
"That was rude!"
He could still hear the triplet screaming. He went upstairs. He found them huddled in the remains in of their destroyed toys.
"Don't worry, I won't hurt you," said Voldemort.
They screamed. Voldemort seriously considered using a silencing charm, but thought better of it. He picked up a Harry Potter action figure with its head melted off. He transfigured it into a guitar. He strummed it, and opened his mouth to sing. The children gulped. Who knows what horrors would erupt from his mouth?
"I call this little medley 'The Albino Rap,'" said Voldemort, strumming his guitar.
He took a deep breath and began singing:
"I am an Albino.
Yeah, yeah, yeah
I got the red eyes;
I got the white skin.
I don't know what else there is to an
Albino!
But I will find out 'cuz
I am an albino!"
The children stared at Voldemort, and Voldemort stared at the children. The older, more albino wizard was waiting for some sort of response about his magnificent singing. The triplets' right eye twitched in unison.
"Now remember, this is a work in progress. I'm still tinkering around with it," said Voldemort.
More silence and staring.
"You're not speaking."
Wendy blinked. "Er, words can't describe that song."
"You are absolutely correct! It was so good that trying to even find a word to describe it is a crime. Speechlessness is the perfect response."
She nodded quickly in agreement. She elbowed her brothers. They nodded, too.
"Did you hear that awful screeching?" asked Lucius, rubbing his ear. They were hiding in the bushes. Not the one with the dead Chinese man. They stayed away from that one.
"It sounded like an animal dying on the premises," said Snape still in shock.
"No, worse, it was Voldemort…rapping," said Draco dramatically.
Now let's take a look at the scenery behind them. A car had hit a fire hydrant, causing a geyser. It also started a four car pileup. Also, the animals in the neighborhood tried to commit suicide. The birds were rocking back and forth on tree branches. A few of them had tried to jump, and die, but it didn't go so well. A few cats had even gone to the extreme of trying to claw their ears out. The dogs were seen wandering around with their tails between their legs, whimpering.
The sounds of babies, and even teenagers, crying filled the air.
"We should have just stayed at the gentlemen's club," said Lucius.
"You mean the stripper place?" asked Draco.
"Shh, don't say that. Your mother hears all," whispered Lucius, and the louder he added, "He meant the slipper store! He needed slippers from the slipper store!"
Snape rolled his eyes. He was surrounded by idiots.
Voldemort led the children downstairs and into the kitchen. He clapped his hands together and smiled a cruel, twisted smile. "Dinner time."
The triplets groaned. He turned around and began cooking. He threw in a variety of items into a blender. A gurgling noise could be heard over the loud whirring of the blender. Voldemort began cackling madly.
Peter, or Michael, whistled for their dog. It came running in, but one look at Voldemort sent it running right back out with its tail in between its legs, whining.
Then, the kids' worst nightmare came true. Voldemort finished cooking. He placed a large glass containing a strange liquid in front of each one. It was an army green color. It was very fizzy. A foul smell filled the air.
"I combined your drinks, dinner, and dessert into one convenient drink. It'll revolutionize the way we eat dinner," said Voldemort happily.
Their eyes darted from the 'drink,' the door, and Voldemort. Their chances were very good.
"Well, aren't you going to try?"
Their evil babysitter was holding his wand rather menacingly. They had no choice. It was either this, or end up like the Chinese man.
They lifted their glasses to their lips. They tipped it so the liquid would come forward enough to just touch their lips. As soon as it touched, the smell, the look, and the texture made them vomit uncontrollably.
It got everywhere. Vomit even managed to find its way to Voldemort's black robes, the one that took forever to find.
"My favorite robes!"
Wendy turned green again. She placed her hand on her mouth, but couldn't hold it in. She retched all over Voldemort.
"Why you little-" He was ready to put her in a strangle hold, until he was interrupted by the doorbell. "I'll be back."
He left the kitchen. Before opening the door, he cleaned himself up with a quick skurge.
At the door was the strangest person creature thing that Voldemort had ever seen. And Voldemort was one strange person creature thing himself. This thing, (Voldemort couldn't tell its gender), had a hunched back with tanned skin. It had a very large nose ring made of pure gold. It also had many deformities that made it look like a pretzel.
"What can I do for?" asked Voldemort, gripping his wan. Even he was afraid.
"You are having child problems, am I correct?"
Voldemort lowered his wand. "You read me like a book."
"I can help."
"How?"
"Let me come in, and you shall see for yourself." It walked in.
"What the bloody hell was that?" asked Draco.
"A voodoo witch," replied Snape and Lucius.
"And how do you two know?"
"You don't want to know," said Snape, twitching.
"You'll be scarred for like," said Lucius.
Draco physically moved away from them into the neighboring bush.
Voldemort led the thing into the kitchen. The children took one look and screamed.
"Which child has given you the most trouble?"
"Wendy," replied Voldemort without hesitation.
At this point, Wendy paled considerably, and hid behind her brothers, screaming bloody murder. The creature dragged Wendy to the counter. It mumbled a few incantations, and she became immobile. The creature drew strange markings on her face and around her on the counter.
Voldemort ushered the boys out and into the bathroom. "Take a bath. I'll be right back."
"What about Wendy?" Peter and Michael asked.
"She'll be fine."
By the time Voldemort came down the stairs, it was coming out of the kitchen, wiping its hand on its skirt.
"My job here is done."
"What did you do?"
"I'm a voodoo witch. People don't come back when I'm done with them."
Voldemort's eyes widened. He ran into the kitchen, but only to come back out. It was too gruesome for words.
The voodoo witch smiled. Voldemort killed it on the spot. He levitated the body into the bushes, on top of the Chinese man.
Someone screamed. "I know that scream anywhere…Lucius!"
"Yes, milord!" Lucius and the rest emerged from the bushes.
"Snape, Draco, Lucius, my faithful followers! Look, I have action figures for you!" exclaimed Voldemort.
"Thanks," they mumbled as they caught their appropriate action figure.
"They did a great job on my hair," remarked Lucius.
"Is my nose really that crooked?" asked Snape, examining the mini Snape figure.
"Yes!" they yelled.
"I haven't put my hair in that style since first year. It's ridiculous looking," said Draco.
"Look, I need your help," said Voldemort.
Lucius looked very smug. "I never thought I'd see the day that the great Lord Voldemort need help baby sitting."
"Lucius, I swear I will Avada you into hell, but you're lucky that I have a job for you." Lucius mumbled a quick sorry.
He led them inside. "Lucius, you are going to clean the kitchen. Beware; maybe a good skurge might not be strong enough."
Lucius gave a salute and went inside, only to come back out, screaming. Voldemort glared.
"I'm going to have nightmares for life," he said.
"If you manage to clean everything, I'll pay for the second honeymoon you and your wife have been wanting," conceded Voldemort.
"Anywhere?" asked Lucius.
Voldemort nodded.
"I'd like to point out that Snape and Draco are witnesses. There is no backing out."
"Get on with it."
"Okay, but all that blood and vomit and flesh will be hard to get out," replied Lucius.
"Just get in there and clean!"
"Fine," mumbled Lucius, walking back in. Loud whimpering could be heard, mixed with a strangled scream or two.
"Draco, I need you to help me with the boys' bath time, and Snape, I need you to make a potion."
"What kind of potion?" Snape asked suspiciously.
"I'll explain on the way up."
In the kitchen, Lucius' eyes were stinging from the smell and the gruesome sight. Any type of magic he tried wouldn't work. He had to clean everything the muggle way. "Why me?"
Peter and Michael had already finished their baths.
"Where is Wendy?" Peter, or Michael, asked.
Voldemort stammered.
"She's going to take her bath now. You don't think a girl would take a bath in front of a bunch of guys," Draco lied.
Voldemort mouthed the words 'thank you' to Draco.
"Where should I make the potion?" whispered Snape.
"Bath tub," replied Voldemort.
"Right." Snape left.
The two remaining wizards led the boys into the bed and tucked them in. Draco made Voldemort fix all the toys he destroyed, even if he did have good reason.
"What about our bed time story?" one of the boys asked.
"Bed time story?" asked Voldemort.
Draco rolled his eyes. "I'll read, you fix."
The young Malfoy conjured a chair out of thin air. The boys clapped. He grabbed a book from their shelf, sat down, and began reading.
"The Three Little Pigs," said Draco.
About halfway through the story, Voldemort came up to him, plucked the book from his hands, and threw it out the window.
"What the hell was that? It was crap! My ears were burning!" complained Voldemort.
"Watch your language," admonished Draco.
"Look who's talking."
The Dark Lord rolled his eyes at the look Draco was giving him. "Let me tell you a real story." He pushed Draco off the chair and sat down.
"This is the tale of my very first raid…"
At the end of the story, the boys' eyes, and Draco's, were widened in fear and shock. Peter and Michael clung to each other, fearing for the lives. Draco was still in shock. Fear was evident in his eyes.
"Well, good night," said Voldemort. He turned the lights off and shut the door. He came back in to drag the fainted Draco out. "Sorry," he told the boys.
Voldemort bumped into Snape.
"Sorry-why are you dragging young Mr. Malfoy from his foot," asked Snape.
"He fainted from my bed time story, but that's not important. Did you finish the potion?"
"Yeah, I just need the girl's DNA."
They looked at each other and ran downstairs with Draco trailing behind them, his head hitting every step. They burst into the kitchen. Lucius had already cleaned most of the kitchen.
"Why the hell did you clean the place?" yelled Voldemort.
"You told me to," defended Lucius. "Why is my son unconscious?"
"That's not important," said Voldemort.
"Bed time story gone wrong," explained Snape.
Voldemort grabbed the sponge Lucius was holding and threw it to Snape. It landed on his hair.
"Great, your greasy hair better not ruin the girl's DNA," said Voldemort.
Snape sneered. He squeezed the sponge. Red drops of soapy blood fell into the vial. He corked it shut and shook. He opened it and poured the contents onto the floor.
"I just cleaned that floor!" said Lucius.
"You're just going to have to clean it again," said Snape.
The puddle bubbled. It began morphing into a human form. Features began forming; hair, facial features, fingers, toes. Then clothes formed. They watched on until it was all over.
"The house looks immaculate!" exclaimed the mother.
"Yes, lets' just check on our children and then we'll pay you," said the father.
Voldemort nervously followed them. He waited outside the room.
"They look fine, but why is Wendy's hair so greasy?" asked the mother.
Voldemort nervously looked around. "Well, I told her to take a bath after playing outside, but she didn't. She even put mud in her hair to spite me, but I just told her that she can stay like for her parents to see."
"Sounds like her, but why is her nose so crooked?" asked the father.
Voldemort shrugged his shoulders. They paid him very generously. He quickly left before they changed their minds. It was the first time he had been paid for a job not so well done.
He ran back inside with Snape and Lucius following. They carried an unconscious Draco through the night.
A few days later, Voldemort and all his Death Eaters were surrounded in front of the television.
"It's just the news. Change the channel," said Bellatrix.
"No wait," said Draco.
"…and this was the scene last night when police arrested Mr. and Mrs. Farley for the murder of two innocent people. They were found in their bushes. One was a Chinese door-to-door salesman, and the other was…well, the police can't identify if this person is even human. The cause of death is still a mystery," said the newscaster.
The scene changed to the triplets. Peter and Michael had dark circles under their eyes from lack of sleep, most likely from nightmares caused by a certain story. Wendy was sneering at everything that moved. Her hair was so greasy that it shined. Her crooked nose was about half the size of her face.
Everyone turned to face Snape.
"What?" asked Snape, hands raised in defense.
Just then, Nagini slithered into the room.
"That reminds me, has anyone seen Wormtail?" asked Voldemort.
There was a strangled noise coming from Nagini. They noticed a giant lump that looked peculiarly like a man.
All the evil wizards, and one witch, looked at each other with expressions mixed with fear, shock, and constipation in Lucius' case.
CrazyDreamerGirl: Phew, this chapter was 18 pages long! You have no idea how much my fingers hurt after this. I also want to thank my friend for coming up with the Albino Rap! Oh, if anyone can figure out where I got the names for the triplets, I'll tell them Voldemort's next occupation. It'll only work if you are logged in because I'd rather not have many people know my e-mail address. Please review!