Nick wasn't sure what to make of Sara's comment; he'd reasoned himself into a corner that the kiss had been one big huge mistake that was going to do nothing but come back and bite him right in the ass. For her to say that maybe he shouldn't be regretting it had him completely thrown and quite honestly on guard. He might wear his heart out on his sleeve, but it sure as hell didn't mean he was going to throw it out there for someone to walk all over when it was clear as day to him that despite Sara's confession that she'd broken things off with Grissom there was a whole lot there that still needed to be dealt with. He wasn't about to risk throwing away a very good friendship on a fling with Sara because she was having doubts about her relationship with Grissom. "Why?"
Sara knew that she ought to expect that he'd question her; she knew him well enough to know that over the years he'd become less happy go lucky and more cynical about human nature. She'd been cynical for years; she recognized all the signs. Although, she had to say about Nick that he still seemed to find a silver lining where anyone else would claim one never existed. She looked back over at him and let out a sigh. "I don't know." A tiny smile played at her lips. "I think if you hadn't, it would have taken me longer to tell Grissom that we can't go on like this...that maybe he isn't what I've really needed this whole time."
"What if he is?" Nick looked skeptical; she'd been quite nearly obsessed with Gil Grissom for the last two or three years; you didn't just turn around one day and decide that you were over someone like that; or did you? Her implication wasn't very clear to him either; did his kiss put in motion something that she already had intended to do, or did it open up the possibility of something between them? He had to know; he respected Grissom and he wasn't about to step on his toes no matter how he felt about Sara.
Sara leaned back in her chair with a furrowed brow and then glanced up and her eyes met Nick's. "I'm not going to deny that I have strong feelings for him; that maybe I even still love him...but it's not enough; I don't want to have to hide it...I shouldn't have to. Vartan was right; what the hell good is falling in love with someone if you can't tell the whole world?" She felt a pang as she considered what she was giving up; what it all meant. Just because Nick had kissed her did not mean that he was going to want to immediately be in a relationship with her; she wasn't even sure that's what she wanted.
"You're right; you shouldn't have to hide it." Nick was frustrated and more of it than he'd intended came out in his tone. "But what do you expect, Sara? He's your supervisor; on a professional level it's unethical. If he wants to keep his job, if you want to keep your job; you can't let anyone in authority know." It really pissed him off that the two of them hadn't figured that out before they'd gotten into a romantic relationship; you'd think that two people who thought through everything so logically would have addressed that issue up front.
Sara crossed her arms over her chest and watched the conflicted emotions flickering across Nick's face. "You're right; I know you're right...but I'm not willing to give up my career...I have to eat." She let out a bitter sort of laugh. "And he; well he at least could ask for a demotion." She knew it was a lot to ask; he'd worked very hard to get where he was; but if she was the love of his life as he claimed wasn't she worth it?
"That's a huge blow to a guy; a demotion." Nick knew that he would have a hard time with something like that, but if it was for a woman that he truly loved, he wouldn't even think about it he would just do it. He also knew that Grissom wasn't like other guys; the man was married to his career; the fact that he'd even consented to be in a romantic relationship with Sara was a shock; but for Grissom to give up everything that made him feel secure for something as intangible as a romance, even if it was with Sara; that would be the most difficult thing the man would ever do. Nick wasn't sure Grissom had it in him.
Sara looked at Nick for a long moment and when she spoke again, her voice was soft and wistful; you could just hear the longing to be loved by someone in it. "So he really doesn't love me as much as he says he does."
Nick shrugged his shoulders a little and then seeing her looking so fragile for that instant, he melted. "The thing is, Sara, it doesn't matter what Grissom wants from this; it matters what you want from this. You told him what you needed and he either couldn't or wasn't willing to give it to you. I'm sure it doesn't mean he doesn't care about you because I think we both know that he does; I think maybe it just reveals the depth of his feelings...and maybe the depth of his fear." He wanted to pull her into a hug, but he didn't dare; he was feeling a little fragile right then too. He had feelings for one of his best friends and he was counseling her about the man she'd just broken up with; who he wasn't so sure she wasn't still in love with.
"Yeah, I think you're right." She smiled softly, leaning forward and resting her elbows on her knees as she folded her hands together. "I think that's what I've been feeling for a while now and then when this all happened to Sophia, I just had enough." She glanced over at Nick who was clenching his jaw. Her brow furrowed as she sat up and reached over and touched his arm. "I'm sorry."
Nick's eyes snapped to hers. "What are you sorry about?" He could think of a number of reasons she should be sorry; sorry for not telling anyone that she and Grissom were seeing each other; sorry for not making sure their relationship was professionally ethical; and maybe most of all sorry for kissing him back like she meant it when she wasn't available. Yeah, that was the thing that she should be the sorriest for because he couldn't get the memory of how her lips felt out of his mind.
Sara was perceptive and she knew that she had really crossed a line with Nick that had altered their friendship significantly; she knew that it wasn't really fair to make him listen about her now defunct relationship with Grissom when it was obvious that he had feelings for her; she knew he had feelings because how the hell could a man kiss like that if he didn't? "I'm sorry that I..." She let out a breath and cleared her throat, looking him straight in the eye. "I wanted that kiss...I knew that I shouldn't, but I couldn't help myself."
Nick wasn't sure what to make of that either; he didn't want to alienate her by asking harsh questions, but at the same time, he hadn't put his heart out like this in a long, long time. "I can't be that guy who just happens to be there to pick up the pieces, Sara." He had an earnest look in his eyes as he pleaded with her to understand. "See, I think I care too much about you to do that."
"I don't want you to be that guy either, Nick." Sara began fumbling a little with her words. "I didn't realize until you kissed me just how much I wanted to kiss you back." She smiled a little as a somewhat cocky grin spread across Nick's face. "I didn't realize that I felt that way until then."
Nick looked over at her again, a hint of sadness registering in his eyes as his grin relaxed into a soft smile. "Feelings aren't enough, Sara." He let out a sigh. "You need to decide what it is you really want; who you really want. You might think you're free...but I don't think you really are yet."