Sara sat on her couch for a long time after Grissom left, thumbing through the photos from that trip to California. She had been so happy then and yet as she considered what had led up to that trip, she realized even then she'd had doubts. Not doubts about her feelings really, but doubts about Grissom's. She had literally thrown herself at Grissom for years and in the back of her mind she wondered if the reason he had consented to entering into a romantic relationship with her at all was because she'd finally worn him down or if he was truly ready to act on the feelings that she knew he had. There was a part of her at least that had been thrilled to have been proven right that he did in fact have feelings for her after pushing her away for nearly as long as she'd been throwing herself at him.
But was that really love? Maybe in some odd way it was; she did love Grissom, she knew that he loved her, but was it the kind of love that could go the distance? She really didn't think it was since it wasn't even the kind of love that they could tell anyone else about. Certainly Grissom could kiss and she'd never felt particularly unsatisfied when they'd made love, but after experiencing that kiss with Nick she knew what it was like to be desired the way you desired water in the middle of a scorching desert. That kind of desire was something she'd never felt with Grissom.
She let out a sigh; sitting there all night wasn't going to do her any good; she needed sleep; good sleep and despite the fact that she wasn't very sure she was going to get any at all, she dropped the photos onto the coffee table and headed off to her bedroom. Surprisingly, she was asleep almost as soon as her head hit the pillow.
Nick on the other hand couldn't sleep.
He'd gone for a long run after he'd gotten home, but rather than wear him out, it seemed to energize him. The stress of waiting for IA to get around to calling him in for the official inquiry and his confrontation with Grissom was wearing on him. What if Grissom did decide to go after Sara; what then? Would she go back to him if he did what she asked and gave up his career so they could go public?
Nick was mentally kicking himself; he was in way too deep to not get hurt if Sara decided that she'd made a mistake. But then he tried to remind himself that there was no way that she could return his kisses like that if she didn't feel something, but he wondered if it was stronger than whatever she felt for Grissom. All he could do was ride it out and see where things went with Sara and hopefully if things went well, he would be the last man Sara dated. That thought just made him smile and then he let out a laugh as he realized if Warrick knew what he was thinking he'd be giving him shit about it. Maybe as much as Nick had given Warrick about Tina when he'd gone off and eloped; probably more actually since it was Sara they were talking about.
He let out a frustrated sigh; he was damn tired and yet he knew he wasn't going to get a lick of sleep. He glanced around his living room and shrugged his shoulders; as long as he wasn't going to be sleeping, he might as well start tackling some of the projects he'd been putting off. He pulled himself off the couch and grabbed his keys and wallet on the way out the front door for the 24-hour home improvement store a short drive away, determined to kick out a few of his projects.
By the time he got home and unloaded his rig however; Nick barely had enough energy to kick his shoes off and strip down to his boxers before crawling into bed and falling into a deep sleep.
Grissom had a migraine. He hadn't had one for a long time, but the stress he'd been experiencing had brought it on and he could tell that this one was going to be especially painful. He rubbed his temples knowing that it would probably do no good. Sara was the reason for his migraine and it was going to take far more than his prescription medication to make it go away.
He had resisted her advances for a long time; he'd convinced himself that the age difference between them was too much; that if she had the opportunity she would leave him for someone younger and perhaps more virile than he was. And as far as he was concerned, he had been right.
But if he was right, why the hell did it hurt like this? Shouldn't being right bring some measure of satisfaction or at least a logical consolation that you shouldn't allow your emotions to direct your decisions. He had to admit to himself that at least in part, the reason he'd asked Sara to come out here from San Francisco six years ago was because she intrigued him. There was something about her that had captured his curiosity and if he was honest; he found her irresistible. But he had resisted; to the point that it had been painful. He'd worked at shutting her out, perhaps erring on the side of making her work harder for recognition lest he be accused of having an affair with a subordinate and risk his career.
But then Brass had been shot and he found that all of his resolve didn't seem to matter anymore. He wanted to find something meaningful outside of his work and Sara was there for him; she never judged him, she was definitely opinionated, but she never judged. She was an enigma to him and perhaps it was as much that as her beauty that caused him to finally give in and cross a line into a romantic relationship with her. And he hadn't been disappointed either; the exact opposite had been true. He never really realized how happy he could be, but in spite of that he still held something back; certain that it couldn't last, that he was setting himself up for the biggest fall of his life.
He'd even had himself reasonably convinced that the arrangement they had worked out was a success; but he hadn't counted on her changing her mind. The scientist in him reminded him that you couldn't leave out the human element when considering the data but that was exactly what he'd done in this case and he had no one to blame but himself.
One thing that didn't make sense to him though was Nick; why had the man chided him for not going after Sara when it was clear that he was in love with her himself? What chance did this aging scientist have against a young, intelligent, athletic criminalist? If he was examining the data he was the anomaly. It made far more sense for Sara to be with Nick than it did that she might actually want to be with him.
Even if he were to believe that all it would take to win her back would be to step down from his position as supervisor, it didn't guarantee that she still wouldn't choose Nick in the end; or someone else for that matter. He had convinced himself that he couldn't take that risk when she'd first let him know that she was interested, and now he was even more certain that to risk that much meant everything that brought meaning to his life would be gone.
His head was throbbing now and he decided to take the maximum dosage of his migraine medicine and try and get some sleep; he had several hours until the next shift was set to begin and he reasoned that if he happened to sleep though the beginning of it, Catherine would find him right here where he felt most comfortable and at home, on his couch in his office.