a/n: This is not a great chapter. I'm sorry.
-x-
When she gets home, she fills the tub with hot water. There are bruises on her side where he gripped her at the waist so tightly, but for some reason it's not as painful as the injuries she gets from work sometimes. Sinking into the water, it's only now that she realizes how fucked up she is.
She just slept with a fucking terrorist. And not just any terrorist, the terrorist that could destroy the world and the foundation of how she lived. One of her hands touch the side of her neck and she winces. Funny how pain could be pleasurable in some moments and than linger around as an unpleasant reminder.
The next morning she goes to a chemist and asks for the after morning pill. It's not embarrassing - every courtesan at one point or another has requested such things and she swallows it down, washing away the bitter taste with a glass of water. The physician seeing her is concerned, because she's seen Tsukuyo injured before and assumes that Tsukuyo is also here for other concerns.
"Hon, don't push yourself - " and idly Tsukuyo wonders if the physician can see the hickeys on her neck, " - it's good to have fun in a while, Tsukuyo-san, but don't hurt yourself, aight?" The old woman hands her a cup of tea. "You've been looking fevered lately."
"... Yeah," is what Tsukuyo finally says. It's the long hours of pulling late shifts and worrying if Takasugi Shinsuke is going to set fire on everything she loves while simultaneously holding a fucked up attraction to someone she wouldn't have classified as even possible before Gintoki came into her life.
"Well, you need to get some rest. It's not healthy for a woman like you to be out there fighting so hard." Tsukuyo looks up and for both of their sakes lies, saying she'll get around to it today.
Later, Hinowa says someone's dropped off a letter, and it's sick - downright sick, of how joyful she is to see Takasugi's elegant writing on paper, asking her to meet him at one of the tea houses tomorrow night.
He visits her the night after that, and the one after that, and the one after that. Their meetings have been those of fevered love-making, if anyone could call it that. In reality it is madness and confusion, made up of forbidden pleasure. Their affair, provided by the darkness of Yoshiwara, forms so neatly and succinctly that both of them are drunk on momentary happiness, gorging on bliss while knowing all good things must come to an end.
He tells her things sometimes.
"I used to have a master once. His name was Shoyou."
She chokes on her smoke as soon as she recognizes the name. When her throat clears it out she admits that she, too, had a master by the name of Jiraia.
In the stillness of the night, when all is dark and they cannot see each other's faces, they tell each other things that have nothing to do with desire or lust. Favorite seasons, childhood memories, their dreams from a long time ago.
It's this - the small conversations, the secrets - that allows her to deny that whatever is holding them together is built on a house of cards.
But then again, Tsukuyo has grown up in Yoshiwara. She has spent years seeing battered courtesans destroyed by affairs of this nature. So she knows that even this cannot last forever.
-x-
The man is deeply uncomfortable even though he is dressed casually outside of his Shinsengumi uniform. Attractive, handsome men like him are always desired by the courtesans, it's something that's never changed even before the liberation of Yoshiwara. With eyes of young girls on him, he's flustered. He's not in control of the situation.
Tsukuyo sighs and leads him to a more private room in town, where she sits patiently, her pipe in mouth, legs tucked in under her lap.
"What can I do for you today, Hijikata-san?"
"Ah, well - Gintoki told me to ask you for help, since you keep an eye on this town."
"The Shinsengumi don't have any jurisdiction here," she reminds him softly.
"I understand that, but I already made a request to the Shogun himself to pursue what we believe is a threat to the country." Hijikata crosses his legs and lights up a cigarette.
A prickle of dread breaks out on her neck. "... A threat?" she repeats cautiously.
"Yes. I suppose you wouldn't know who Takasugi Shinsuke is, would you?"
"I mighta have heard of him somewhere," she says and slips her hands inside her longer sleeve so that Hijikata won't see she's trembling.
"Well, he's one of the most dangerous terrorists in Japan." Hijikata exhales, lowering his fingers from his mouth. "He's had a history of burning down government buildings and assassinating our top officials. The problem is, we haven't been able to catch him since he's very well connected at the top. They'd rather hush it up than to order a direct manhunt."
Tsukuyo's lungs start to constrict. She lowers her eyes, and murmurs, "I see."
"One of my men reported seeing a suspicious mercenary ship down here, and we confirmed that the Kiheitai has made contact at least once in your city." She knows Hijikata is scrutinizing her carefully, and it takes all her willpower to gaze at him calmly, as if she is not involved in this, as if she is not a lover to the enemy.
"With your permission... if at any time you knew his whereabouts, do you think you could give me a call?" The man's eyes seem too intelligent for her to relax. He passes her a card with his number on it.
She doesn't pick it up right away.
"... One of the aspects that attract men ta come here is the fact that we won't arrest them for political subterfuge," Tsukuyo says slowly, which is not a complete lie.
"Tsukuyo-san, this is no petty criminal we're talking about." Hijikata flicks some ash away from the table. She watches it pile onto an ashtray. "I wouldn't waste my time on thieves or drug dealers in this sort of place, so far from Edo."
She doesn't know what to say. But he picks up on her reluctance and adds, "I'm not going to ask for your help. My men are here on their own, and they know the risks of this operation. But this isn't our territory. I don't want to inflict unnecessary damage."
"I'm not goin' to allow a rampage," she said, a little uneasily. "I'm here ta protect the women."
"I understand that. But I'm only using my top men. Very skilled men, some whom I would trust with my own life." Hijikata's eyes narrow, as if he's suspecting that she knows more than she lets on. "It's going to be a very small group of us. It will be discreet."
"I see," she says. "Well, in that case - "
"I've already set up watchmen," he interrupts. "All around the place. But I figured I'd go to you first, just to see if you knew any more than I did."
"How far have you gotten?" she asks.
"So far?" Hijikata sighed. "We think one of the Shogun's best men is dead."
Tsukuyo closes her eyes and shakes her head. "Unbelievable." But inwardly she is shaking. She has chosen to play with fire in the first place. The consequences loom ahead - slowly, but surely. Finally she promises Hijikata she'll keep her eyes open. He nods and doesn't push for more - most people try to stay out of trouble, not get involved in it.
-x-
In the end, she remembers that nobody can afford to give her happiness.
She tells Hijikata the address of the inn that Takasugi was supposed to meet her that night. Hijikata thanks her, and she hangs up the phone. Seita and Hinowa rush out when they hear her break down in sobs in the middle of their kitchen.
Hinowa's arms aren't enough to console her. They aren't enough to stop her tears. Nothing was ever good enough.
-x-