Chapter 2: Try to kill it all away, but I remember everything

People skills, Rodney really needed to get some. If he had them he would have pulled his head out of his ass long enough to notice someone else, notice the signs that were right in front of him. He should have at least picked up on the clues, Sheppard himself was giving.

It had been right there like a giant red flag, but he had been so consumed with anger. He'd say that it wasn't like him, but that would be a lie; Rodney was very quick to anger, but the situation hadn't called for that level. It was a kernel of frustration that had been slowly roasting for months and had chosen that mission to pop. It was the worst possible time to be too pissed off to notice. John had needed him to piece it together because they both knew Sheppard would never admit that he was in trouble. No, the numbskull had planned to soldier on, only concerned about the team's safety instead of his own.

Sheppard steadied himself against one of the trees, giving into the dizziness by pressing his forehead against his arm as he waited for McKay to catch up. He'd set a gruelling pace once they made it up from the ravine. Althoughit was imperative that he push both of them that hard, even John was struggling with it now.

"I thought you didn't leave people behind?" wheezed McKay as he dropped to his knees beside the Colonel. He was exhausted and aching in places he didn't know he could, but still managed to give his breathy words unnecessary bite and spite.

John's head snapped up in alarm. He had only been a few yards a head hadn't he? It was getting hard to concentrate on anything beyond his single minded focus of getting the scientist back to the safety of Atlantis. "Are you hurt?" he asked, full of concern and with a hint of panic.

The scientist just looked confused. "What?"

The Colonel gave his head a shake and closed his eyes for a moment. Like flipping a switch, the odd youthful and vulnerable tenor to his voice disappeared as he adopted a more formal stance. "Suck it up McKay. It can't be much further and we haven't even seen our friends yet." As if on cue, a bullet slammed into the tree by Sheppard's head, bringing down a hail storm of bark.

"You had to say that!" wailed McKay as John grabbed him by the tac vest and dragged him into the dense underbrush.

Rodney let out a strangled laughed as he thought about how right Teyla had been. Sheppard's decline had been rapid. It started with the confusion and disorganization, which would have been enough to deal with; manageable. The Athosian had been right on the money with the comparison to an overly emotional, needy, child.

In no time at all there had been little Rodney could say or do that didn't apparently hurt Sheppard's feelings, and wasn't he amazingly good at looking like McKay had just kicked his puppy every time he snapped at John.

Rodney wasn't good with kids to start with. Adding semi-automatic weapons, determined soldiers, a foreign planet and two team members down, created the perfect storm. Rodney had all the time in the world to feel bad about it now, but it wouldn't change how he hadacted out there. Under normal circumstances none of Rodney's actions would have bothered Sheppard, or maybe they would have, but he would have kept it to himself; John kept everything to himself.

Perhaps that was the problem. Rodney would never know if anything he did hurt Sheppard because the man would never express that it did. It probably was what made the open hurt and sadness that John suddenly couldn't help but show, dig at McKay's soul all the more.

It was just like John to push his own problems aside for the others. Instead of acknowledging he had been pricked by those damn flowers and accepting Ronon and Teyla's offer to come back and help, he had sent them through to gate to seek medical treatment for their own wounds. Instead of telling Rodney he was in trouble, the Colonel had forged on, hoping that he could get McKay to the Stargate before it became an issue.

Damn him anyways thought Rodney. Sheppard's desperate need to be the protector had put them both in danger. The man was compromised, and setting them up for a scenario where Rodney himself would have to take charge. Where did John get off leaving Rodney to make the hard decisions on his own? He wasn't fit to make the calls that would impact their survival -that was John's department. His was scientist and using his vast intellect to save the team at the last minute from some ultimate disaster, not mad men with guns. He could run a lab and scientists and even then ego in that department had allowed him to destroy a solar system.

That was the mistake of the whole mission. John inadvertently left Rodney in the leadership role. That lapse in judgment would be the thing Sheppard and Rodney would take to the grave.

"You're infected aren't you," accused McKay.

John rolled his head from watching the armed Genii guarding the gate to McKay who was kneeling beside him under the cover of the forest foliage. "I don't know what you're talking about," protested Sheppard, aiming for a casual brush off of the other man's concern.

"Yeah, I'm sure you don't," growled McKay. "It was the flowers back where we were ambushed wasn't it? You had to be the damn hero and push me out of the way and tumble into them didn't you," he added in an accusatory whisper.

Sheppard scowled. "It's better than the alternative McKay."

"How is this better? We're stuck on the wrong side of the gate with armed Genii and the guy that's supposed to be able to take care of things like this, is about two seconds from emotionally turning into a child!"

"What exactly is your problem lately Rodney?" asked Sheppard.

The question threw the scientist off guard. The Colonel wasn't the first person to comment on his abundant crankiness lately, but he was the first person whose opinion gave him pause. Even Rodney had noticed his fuse was quicker to ignite lately but that wasn't the issue here. No the problem at hand was that once again the team was in a position that was further complicated by some need to be overly heroic and it was going to fall to McKay to get them out of it; only this time the answer wasn't scientific. "You know what, focus on the problem at hand and shut up and let me think. Someone with full control of their faculties needs to come up with a plan to get us out of here."

"What did you have in mind?" asked John, slightly hopeful.

"That should have been my first clue," sighed Rodney, mesmerized by the deep and changing blues of the ocean. Sheppard never willingly handed over control. Things had gone downhill rather quickly after that. It was almost as if John had stopped fighting it, like he felt he could safely put his life in the hands of someone else.

Rodney let out a bitter laugh. He should have felt honoured that John had trusted him enough to believe that McKay could get them out of a clearly military situation. Obviously they had both been delusional at that point; John for putting his life in Rodney's hands and McKay for actually thinking he could get them out of there.

"What are you doing here? And what part of stay there and don't move do you not understand?" raged McKay in a barely controlled whisper as Sheppard crawled over to him. He had made his way rather stealthily to the opposite side of the gate in preparation of creating a distraction to lure the six heavily armed Genii soldiers away from the gate and shut it down so Atlantis could dial in and send a rescue team, and now Sheppard was threatening to derail Rodney's sad attempt of a master plan. "All you had to do was stay there out of danger and yet here you are."

"You wouldn't really leave me here would you?" asked John with a wobble in his voice that matched his lip. He had a youthful look on his face that might have been described as cute by one of the nurses on Atlantis but now was nothing more than a red flag highlighting just how far gone John was. Worse yet, it conveyed a sense that the man actually believed that Rodney would leave him behind.

McKay rolled his eyes. There it was again, that feeling that he'd just told a child that Christmas was cancelled. He pinched the bridge of his nose feeling a headache coming on. He wasn't any good with kids and now here he was, dealing with an adult sized one in a perilous situation. "I'm sorry," he offered in an attempt to forestall the waterworks that seemed to be threatening. With a forced calm he amended, "I'm going to say it one more time, because clearly you're not in your right mind. I'm going to lead them away from the gate, swing back, grab you and deactivate the wormhole that has been preventing Atlantis from dialling in and sending a rescue. Then we can go home."

"That sounds dangerous," John posed in a small voice.

"Of course it's dangerous! Those are heavily armed men over there and I'm me and you're not you right now."

"This is a really bad plan," Sheppard added causally as though he expected better from Rodney. "You're supposed to be smart."

"Yeah, well it's the best I can do under the circumstances considering you have the capabilities of a drunken sailor."

A rueful smile spread across John's face. "Air force," he announced slowly as though McKay was the one having difficulties understanding the situation, "not navy."

"Shut up."

It really hadn't been the worst plan ever conceived by their team. It wasn't a sure bet, but they had pulled off crazier stunts. Rodney pursed his lips as he calculated the odds of success. Working the formula helped take off some of the frustration and made him feel better about what he had proposed.

It all came back to the same variable. If Sheppard had been the one leading it, if he had come up with the plan, it would have gone off without a measurable hitch. John managed to make the impossible possible.

McKay's heart hammered in his chest as he and Sheppard ran through the darkened forest under a hail of bullets. It was an all too familiar occurrence, but the commonplaceness of it didn't deter from the gut wrenching fear that weaved its tentacles over every inch of his being every time it happened. This part of the plan Rodney had become very familiar with. He could add DF to the lengthy list of titles that followed his name; doctorate of fleeing. This wasn't exactly like any other time though. Sheppard was counting on him to be 'the man', the one to get them out of impossible military situation and the doctor found himself missing the Colonel's unshakeable optimism.

This infected Sheppard was just like the rest of them, scared, maybe even a little hopeless, and that frightened Rodney even more; which in turn, pissed him off even more, perpetuating an unhelpful closed circuit reaction. Sheppard had trusted him once before and Rodney had almost gotten them killed alongside the solar system he destroyed. Now, the man was depending on him again, even if he no longer had the faculties to realize his life was resting on McKay's shoulders. Really, they weren't very good at shouldering life or death kinds of responsibility.

Rodney slowed to a jog as the landscape changed into a rougher, rockier terrain. The change in speed almost had John slamming into the back of him before they both came to a stop.

"This is a terrible plan," continued Sheppard with his running commentary in a childish singsong voice that had persisted since fleeing the gate. He looked around at the rock formations like a tourist on vacation, unconcerned as to the danger gaining ground behind them.

There was enough pressure to be the one to get them out of this mess, Rodney certainly didn't need what sliver of a plan he constructed being ridiculed by someone who was as about as helpful as a house plant at the moment. Actually a house plant would have been more help than John, he thought, it would have stayed where it was put.

"If you aren't going to contribute anything helpful, shut the hell up!" snapped McKay. Clearly he could try and save them, or he could attempt to be tolerable of Sheppard's current condition; doing both wasn't going to be possible.

Sheppard's jaw snapped shut with an audible click. McKay rolled his eyes as the kicked puppy look worked its way back on John's face and for a moment the cranky scientist almost had a Grinch moment. Unfortunately the angry voices of several heavily armed men approaching killed the moment pretty quickly and his compassion for other members of the human race quickly vanished.

"Over here," ordered Rodney, wiggling himself into one of the crevasses in the rocky outcrop before them. It was dark enough and out of sight enough that they might get lucky and the Genii would think they'd kept going.

The Colonel began to slowly follow Rodney's lead when hail of bullets started. Rodney latched onto John's hand and reefed him into the safety of the rocks. Every time the Genii felt they were getting close to the pair, they unceremoniously opened fire, effectively firing at nothing. Apparently they studied at the same school Rodney did because he was all too familiar with the strategy of shooting at every little sound.

"McKay," whined Sheppard, squirming around behind Rodney.

Every hair on the back of the scientist's neck stood on end. He was so ridged, he could have snapped under the sheer tension in his body. Never taking his eyes off the spot the Genii would approach through, he hissed, "Be quiet before you get us all killed!"

A little louder this time, "McKay!"

If the man's pathetic whining didn't give them away, his fidgeting would. And for what? So Sheppard could tell him what a bad plan this was again? Rodney knew that, he never claimed to be a great strategist. So he could whine and pout about not being left alone? That was clearly some deep routed childhood trauma that drove the man's unshakable creed to never leave a man behind and would probably warrant more consideration and analysis when people weren't trying to kill them. "Whatever stupid thing you have to say it can wait."

His irritation was at a boiling point now. Sheppard had been constantly telling him, his plan was no good and it was grating on McKay's last nerve. He was doing the best he could under the circumstance and damn Sheppard anyway for getting himself in this mess and putting Rodney on charge by default.

"McKay." John's voice was a little more pleading this time but still Rodney kept focused on the men getting closer.

"I swear to god Sheppard..."

"Rodney," came an all too soft whisper.

"Shut the hell up!" spat McKay with a fierceness he had never before unleashed. The statement was uttered in a hushed tone but the malice behind it more than made up for its lack of volume.

"Shut the hell up!"

That was the last thing Sheppard heard him say. Sheppard, who was infected with some horrible reminder of how much the Pegasus Galaxy hated them, who needed a friend probably more than he ever had before, had been subjected to all of McKay's frustration and irritation.

Jeanie had always been the one with the people skills in the family. Rodney couldn't count the number of times she'd warned him that his brashness was going to cause not only himself but others pain. He knew she was right then, but he'd never actually cared enough about anyone else to be bothered if his prickliness hurt anyone.

Now he had told his best friend in two galaxies to shut up when he desperately needed McKay's undying attention, when he needed Rodney's help and the scientist had allowed his displeasure at being dragged away from his lab to grow and ferment to a point that Sheppard suffered.

"How am I supposed to live with myself?" Those hadn't been the last words he ever wanted to leave Sheppard with.

"I think they're gone now. I mean, they've definitely left the area. Hopefully, their friends aren't waiting for us at the gate. Maybe we should just stay here for awhile and wait for Lorne to come to us, just to make sure. They didn't see us, no thanks to your big mouth, but they might come back. What do you think Sheppard?"

The relief McKay felt as he watched the Genii disappear in the darkness of the forest, moving further away from not only them but their ticket home, quickly vanished as he was met with silence. "Sheppard?"

"Oh, that's really mature, Sheppard. The silent treatment? What are we four?" Relief was replaced with frustration at the childish behaviour of his friend. Yes the toxin was messing with the man's mind but surely he could pull it together for a minute to be an adult. It wasn't like the Colonel didn't have it coming. His constant squirming and unhelpful commentary was going to expose them to the Genii and in turn get them killed.

Silence.

"Sheppard!" McKay snapped, twisting around to give the over grown toddler a piece of his mind.

"Shep..." The rant died on his tongue as he turned. "Oh god no."

Time stopped. Rodney couldn't even convince himself to take a breath. Sheppard had wedged himself into the rocky crevasse; it was the only thing keeping the man from slumping to the ground. He was deathly pale, eyes closed, lips tinged faintly with blue. His arm was curled protectively around his stomach, and the blood...

Rodney couldn't look away, there was so much blood. He stood there blinking, paralyzed with the fear that if he reached over, the man would be cold. It took him a few seconds to realize Sheppard wasn't breathing. It was a few seconds too long for Rodney's liking. The realization kicked started his brain and he sprung into action.

Carefully he lowered Sheppard's too still body to the ground. With shaking fingers he checked for a pulse.

Nothing.

"Oh no, no, no, no, no. You do not get to do this." Without thinking he launched into the first aid response Carson had been trying to drill into his head. McKay rhythmically pounded on Sheppard's chest pausing at regular intervals to force air past the man's too cold lips. The warm blood on the Colonel's chest made horrific squelching sounds as the scientist's hands slipped and slide in his effort to maintain the life of his friend.

The world dissolved into nothingness. Time no longer had meaning or effect as Rodney lost himself to his singular goal. He would continue his attempts forever if there was the slightest change it would yield a positive result. John Sheppard never left a man behind and Rodney was damned if he was going to be the one to destroy that tradition.

A sharp crackle burst over the radio but McKay ignored it. The noise picked up, morphing into a longer garbled sound closely related to English. "eppard…an..ead, ..ay…oo…opy?"

McKay tapped his radio, opening a channel. "Lorne? Is that you?"

"I'm in Jumper Three with Ronan, Teyla, Keller and a team of Marines. We got here as quickly as we could but the gate was busy. We're just about on top of your signal," came the Major's calm yet concerned voice.

"Thank god," McKay sighed, never stopping in his important task. It almost felt like relief, the feeling washing over him as he realized he was no longer alone, no longer the one that had to be in charge, to bear the responsibility of other's lives, but the terror laying before him kept every nerve keyed up and on edge. "Get down here now! Sheppard's dying… he's not breathing and there's too much blood!"