Hey guys :)
This is a really personal fic. I had a burnout last year, and at first I wasn´t sure if I should write this, but then I wrote it, and now I am not sure if I should post it, but what the hell, there you go.
I figured, that if I would´ve read something like that last year, it would have helped me, so if there´s just one person that thinks that this is what she/he needs, I will continue.
It´s written from Marco´s POV, the not named boyfreind might be Shanks, or whoever, it doesn´t really matter, also this will turn into a MarcoxAce story at chapter 3 :)
It may be a bit "blurred", but that´s on purpose, I really have a huge loss of memories from that time.
Please review! Let me know what you think and if I should continue.
Day 0
He was raging, it was just too much. Everyday the same shit, he wanted to quit, but couldn´t, he needed the money, after all. Marco was working as a sales assistant in a super market and had to deal with unfriendly customers and, what he called it, torture. He was just the fucking slave for everyone.
For "normal" people, the job wouldn´t be so bad. But he wanted more, needed more, he knew that this couldn´t be his life, right? But why didn´t he havethe strenght to change it?
It was a bit much that past two weeks, Oyaji was in the hospital, he got double-shifts at the store and felt, knew he was depressed. And he needed to take care of his siblings as well. He couldn´t get up in the morning, had trouble sleeping at night, his temper had gotten way worse and he was tired all the time. It was april, and this was going on since february.
He sighed relieved as his collegue told him that it was his lunch break now. Finally! But as he went to the cantine, he wasn´t even hungry. He was numb.
He sat down and a co-worker asked him, what was wrong with him. Normally, he was smiling, because how hard could it be to handle everything, right?
But this day something was off. He couldn´t even tell, what it was. He felt tears forming, and he knew, he needed a break.
"Maybe you should call in sick, for one or two weeks? You don´t look so good, I am worried." He actually liked his co-workers, well, his boss was an asshole, but the co-workers were great.
"It´s nothing, really. But thanks, yoi" he said, his voice shaking.
He knew he needed to make a first step and called his old man, while he was hiding in the staff room.
He couldn´t even ask, if he knew any psychiatrist, who could help him, as he felt the tears running down his cheeks already.
"Marco, please go home, tell them you are sick and get out of there!"
He stumbled a "yes" and wiped away the tears, took a deep breath and headed for the door, that would lead him into the customer area. He raised his hand to open it, but he just couldn´t.
The rest was blurred.
He remembered walking back into the cantine, asking his co-worker to call one of their bosses, as he needed permission to get home, and then he only remembered tears.
Being hugged. He didn´t respond.
He was sobbing and just couldn´t stop crying! Why couldn´t he stop crying already?
He was embarrassed, everyone saw him, everyone was talking to him, he wanted to stop crying, to shake it off, like he did the last months, but he felt that something burned out inside of him.
He remembered that his boss called his boyfriend and that he was coming in, to pick him up.
Later, he knew that he was crying for two hours straight. That he was dragged to a doctor. How he refused to eat. And how unbelievably relieved he was, as the doctor told him, that he didn´t need to go to work for at least two weeks.
And to please take that anti-depressant. It would help.
Day 6
He couldn´t get up. He couldn´t shower. No, he didn´t want to eat. He was lying in bed for three days straight. He could smell himself. The pills made him dizzy too. But the numbness and sadness he was feeling, both at the same time, was still his. The pills needed three weeks to show some sign of effect.
He felt sick.
Day 14
He was at the doctors today. No, he still wasn´t able to sleep. Yes, his boyfriend brought him here. He tried to take the bus, but he just coulnd´t face other people. He was scared, he felt like his natural distance, his inner wall, had vanished and they could hurt him with their mood alone. Stupid, right?
Day 23
He couldn´t breathe. He was shaking, he felt like dying. Like someone sat on his chest, it hurt to breath, his lungs needed air and he coulnd´t breath! What was wrong with him? His sight got blurried, he felt cold, mean panic rise and finally, his mind began to work again. No, I am not having a heart attack. Yes, this is a panic attack. Think about what you´ve read. You have read about the whole thing. About your depression, about that burn-out, about what could happen and what already happened with your mind. Your body reacts. That´s all.
Calm down. Calm down. Calm down.
Get hugged, pressed against someone. It will trigger some points on your body that will help you relax. He called for his boyfriend and the poor man was clearly overchallenged. He needed to tell him what to do.
"Can you please bring my meds? And hold me, the tighter, the better?"
"What is wrong, what´s-?"
"I am having a panic attack. Hurry now."
Day 31
"Can I ask you a favor?" It was the first time since that day, that he was able to get a visitor. Thatch was here, with him and he slowly began to open up.
"Sure. Bring it on."
"Can you come with me to the doctors appointment tomorrow? I still can´t take the fucking bus."
"Still the fucking panic attacks?"
"Yes."
Day 57
"Come here Ann!"he laughed. The last two months were hell, but today he was able to get out and pick his dog. It was a cute girl, black, and as he saw her, he felt like he just got his firstborn.
She looked at him with her huge, brown eyes, and as she licked his face, he actually laughed.
His shrink told him to consider the possibility of a dog, since it was a good way to regain simple routines. Like taking the dog out three times a day and talking to people.
Last month he needed six attempts and solid two hours to empty the dishwasher. The fucking dishwasher!He was not allowed to hide inside the appartement anymore.
And since his boyfriend worked from home, the dog wouldn´t be alone when he got back to work. If he got back to work.
The anti-deppresant was helping, at least a bit, but he got way too much side effects. His hands were trembling all the time, he fainted suddenly, he never wanted to eat. He lost 14 pounds already. He just didn´t feel the need to eat. He couldn´t sleep, and he still had trouble getting out of bed.
Day 67
He wanted to work again. But what happened when he tried to get to the store? Just to visit? His body gave him a panic attack. Outside, on the street and no one was with him.
"It´s happening again, please pick me up..."
Day 112
He couldn´t go back to his old job. He was at least able to take the bus, but only when the dog sat on his lap. Like a super furry shield.
He filed for unemployment, because of his psychic condition. And the he was told to relax, he didn´t need to find a job right away. His first task would be to get healthy.
Was that even possible?
So...I really hope you liked it and give me a review, I am actually a bit nervous posting it -.-