Grissom had been mulling over Catherine's words for days now. He wasn't sure what to do about what he was feeling; he had work to do and perhaps since Sara wasn't at work, it was just that much easier to not deal with the situation. However, this past week was probably the loneliest week he'd had in recent memory. There was a time in his life when he hadn't really noticed how lonely he was; he had a career that he lived and breathed; with only a handful of forensic entomologists in the country he was at the top of his field and he'd written many white papers and given professional presentations over the years and he'd even contributed to a few textbooks; but none of that it seemed really compared to having found the love of a woman like Sara only to lose her because he hadn't been able to see what was really important until it was too late.
He had felt like he was on the verge of having a migraine for days now and he knew that the only way it was going to go away was to do the one thing that he thought he never could. If the only way to get Sara back was to ask for a demotion or to leave the lab altogether and look for a teaching position in the area, then maybe he should seriously consider it. He knew that there were no guarantees that she would leave Nick and come back to him; but he had come to the realization that if he didn't at least try, he would regret it for the rest of his life.
Only he wasn't exactly sure what the first step should be. He didn't want to march right down to Ecklie's office and ask for a demotion and explain that it was because he was in love with Sara; Ecklie might just fire both of them. Ecklie had made it clear to Gil on several occasions that Sara had a job at the lab solely because of Grissom. Ecklie claimed that Sara was a loose cannon with a gun, but Grissom knew otherwise; he had come to know things about Sara that he'd never even imagined when he'd first met her so many years ago. He had nothing but respect and admiration for someone who had gone though the personal hell she had and manage to carve out a life as a brilliant criminalist who didn't really quite grasp just how special she was.
If he was even going to have a chance at winning her back, he needed to plan this carefully; he didn't want to completely sabotage his entire career, but he did want to make it clear to her that he no longer wanted to hide in the shadows and live his true life in secret. What did it really matter if he knew that mosquitoes had 47 teeth or that dragonflies had six legs but couldn't walk? Without the love of a woman like Sara in his life, he felt like part of him was missing; he wanted to be the man that Sara needed him to be.
Then there was Nick to consider. Grissom held a fondness for Nick that was as close to fatherly as he supposed he could be. He had watched the younger man grow from an insecure rookie criminalist into a more seasoned veteran that had endured some of his own personal hell on the job. Deep down he knew that Nick loved Sara too even if he had refused to admit it when he'd confronted him. He didn't want to march right up and steal Sara back under his nose. Nick had been honest with him and he deserved the same courtesy. He was going to make it clear that while he respected Nick and he knew that he and Sara were seeing each other, he was going to do something to show Sara that he still wanted her to be a part of his life outside of work; that he wanted the little haven of solitude that they'd carved out together back. Ultimately, Sara was going to have to choose, and he only hoped that this time, she didn't choose Nick.
A soft tap at his office door broke him out of his reverie as a smiling Catherine Willows rested her shoulder against the frame. "You look like you're in deep." She could tell from years of working with him that something had grabbed a hold of him and wouldn't let him go. She'd seen this look on particularly troubling cases and she'd more than once had to remind Grissom to eat and sleep. Only she didn't think that it was a case he was thinking about.
Grissom let out a tired sigh and gestured towards the chair on the other side of his desk. "Yes, too deep I think." He trusted Catherine more than he trusted most people; there wasn't much he didn't feel comfortable telling her, even if most of the time he kept it to himself.
Catherine settled herself easily in the chair and looked at him with concern. "You're still thinking about Sara, aren't you?" She worried about him; she'd always known him to do things by the book except when the people on his team were concerned, but although he'd not fired Warrick when he should have, and he didn't reprimand her for using the DNA lab to verify a hunch that Sam Braun was her father and as a result completely compromising the case against him, those were all professional decisions. This decision he'd made to date Sara was a completely personal one that held serious professional consequences. She was sure she hadn't ever seen Grissom in love with someone enough to do something as stupid as to keep it a secret rather than risk his career.
"I can't stop thinking about her Cath." Grissom's brow was furrowed for a moment and then he looked up at Catherine with an expression that was full of resolve. "And I can't just sit here and do nothing about it." He let out a deep breath as he continued. "I've decided that if I need to leave the lab to let her know how serious I am about her, then I will. I'm just not sure what I'm going to do yet." He had a bit of a boyish half smirk as Catherine's jaw seemed to drop.
"Leave the lab." Catherine wasn't sure she was hearing him correctly; the lab was his life and if he left what else would he have, especially if Sara didn't leave Nick and come back to him.
"Or not." Grissom took his glasses off and rubbed his temples. "I don't know." He replaced the glasses and leaned back in his chair. "I've never felt for a woman what I feel for her. I'm not so sure that my career is enough anymore if it means losing what we had." He would manage of course, but he didn't really want to. Whatever he did, he didn't want to risk her career; his own was one thing, but hers was something else entirely. He would not let his insistence about this damn secret relationship become the reason that she lost her job when it became public.
Catherine studied him for a moment. "So what are you going to do, march down and tell Conrad that you've been dating Sara?" She knew that was career suicide for both him and Sara.
Grissom sighed. "Technically, Sara's dating Nick, not me. And I need to leave Conrad out of this if I can." He wasn't really sure that was possible; for him to ask for a demotion, he'd have to go to Ecklie to request it, unless of course he went directly to the lab director instead. Ecklie reported to him and the Sheriff, and once they approved something, he couldn't argue about it.
"If you leave, Ecklie may just split us all up again, you do realize that don't you?" Catherine didn't want him making any hasty decisions; she was sure that if Gil really wanted to be with Sara, there was a way to make it happen that wouldn't pull everyone apart again.
"Catherine, I don't want to split up the team." Grissom sounded so conflicted. "But I can't just sit here and let the best thing that's ever happened to me slip away because I was too much of a coward to do anything about it." He had waited long enough as it was before he'd decided that he had to at least try a relationship with Sara; and now that he'd had a taste of what a relationship with her was like he wasn't going to give up without a fight.