Author: Feather (Flightf)
Warnings: Spoilers all the way through Twelve Sharp.
Disclaimers: I own nothing…JE owns it all….I will return everything when I am finished
Rating (K-M) M (for language)
A/N: This was a challenge sent by the Twelve Sharp group. 'Ranger in the hospital of any point of view.' This is 11th in a series of 12. Thanks to everyone who gave me feedback…it is always appreciated.
I am sorry that it has taken me this long to get out this chapter…….I hope that it was worth the wait.
I studied the face of the man I loved, searching for signs of life. His skin was ashen, and his eyes closed. I needed to know that he was alive. I craved the contact with his body and needed to feel his warmth. I laid my hand softly on his cheek and took in the marvelous sight that was him: the shape of his hands, and the planes of his face. Just a few hours earlier, I believed that I would never have the chance see him again. I've never felt such panic or grief; I wouldn't be able to describe those moments even if asked. For those few seconds as time stood still, I was completely lost. I couldn't imagine my life without his presence. The fact that he was laying in front of me is a miracle.
One that I was vowing never to take for granted again.
I wasn't sure how all this happened. Yesterday, I was content how my life was going. Now, I was sitting here admitting to myself that I loved two men. Ranger and Morelli are two of the most important people in my life. How was I going to make this work? Because I knew for certain my life wouldn't be as it was before.
Ranger had always been my own personal superhero. In my mind he was batman. He had been the everlasting force that had always surrounded me. I knew that if I got in over my head he would be there to drag me above water and then kiss the fear away. I had known since the moment that we met that I could trust him with anything. He made me feel like I could do anything that I wanted; he gave me the strength to be me. He builds me back up when others tear me down. He was the one person that I knew I could always turn to. Tonight, sitting in that chair, I learned that batman was just a man. Ranger was a man who chose to live his life doing extraordinary things. He wasn't batman. He was a man named Carlos. A man who I loved, a man that I couldn't live my life without, the man who just had to say Babe to make my insides melt. But he was also the man who once told me that he didn't do relationships, a man who told me that he was my desert, a man who I know very little about his past. He told me that it was no secret what he wanted to do with me, and that he was emotionally attached. Was he ready to let me into his life completely? Was Carlos waiting on me to make a decision?
I could feel my heart rate speed up as this thought crossed my mind. I noticed that I was gripping the sheets on the bed next to Rangers hand. I let go of the sheets and smoothed out the wrinkles and forced myself to take a few deep breaths to calm myself down. Being with Ranger would mean leaving the protective arms of the Burg. Saying goodbye to the man on the other side of the glass.
The man in the waiting room was Joe Morelli. He was the equivalent of comfort food to me. He represented all that was familiar. We grew up together; we were raised with the same beliefs and values. Our families attend the same Church, shop at the same market, and our mothers bought the Friday night Pot Roast at the same butcher. Morelli and I both share the love for Pizza and Hockey. He comes to dinner at my parent's house without putting up too much of a fight. We should be so blissfully happy that I would never notice another man again. Joe wanted to get married, have babies and eat pot roast every Friday night. He wanted me at home making sure that his dinner was warm. He was the kind of man that my mother told me to look for. He would be an excellent father and husband. Most importantly, I loved him. Even with this list of wonderful qualities, I still wanted to turn and run when any mention of the future came up. I looked at him and I could still see the boy at eighteen that took my virginity, the man at twenty that I hit with my fathers Buick and finally the cop that I knew now. How do we forget all the bad and reach for the good? We have so much history that it could be its own textbook on how not to have a successful relationship. We come together but we are like polar ends of a magnet pushing each other way. We just can't seem to head in the same direction. He had been my past, he was my present but did I want him to be my future?
I admitted to Joe that I loved him and he really didn't seem surprised. I thought after all this time the first time I would say it wouldn't have been in the middle of a breakdown over another man who was shot protecting me. Someone who loved me, someone that I always turn to for strength. There are different types of love, would Morelli understand? Can I choose between the path well worn with travel and the path with an unknown destination? Do I stay on the ground or do I take a chance and fly?
I wasn't ready to make this decision. I wasn't ready to let either of these men out of my life. I could feel the terror rising in my chest; I just didn't know what I was going to do. I laid my head on the bed and willed myself to breathe. I kept myself as still as possible fighting the panic that wanted to overcome me. For the first time in my life the blinders were off and I wasn't sure I could deal with what I saw. I wasn't sure that I was ready to face reality.
I felt the bed shift then I felt a hand brush my curl off my face. I lifted my head off the pillow and I lost myself into depths of his chocolate eyes. I moved my hand to cover his heart and I heard the word that put my world back on its axle.
"Babe," his voice was dry and rough but I could hear the tenderness.
Suddenly everything became clearer and the panic disappeared, my eyes filled with tears and I whispered, "Ranger."