Gil Grissom could not seem to shake his somber mood. Maybe it was the deaths of Alex and Sophia Vartan and the fact that he responded to the scene of the fatal car crash, and maybe it was the fact that he hadn't had a decent nights sleep since the whole ordeal with Sophia's shooting had started, and maybe it was the fact that Sara had left him for Nick, making his biggest fear about their relationship a grim reality; whatever it was, he was tired and distracted and for the first time in his career he wasn't sure he still had within him what it took to be a criminalist.
He was at the funeral, but he only recalled snippets; snippets that seemed to create the most pain for him. Two pine caskets flanking each other at the front of the sanctuary of the church he'd last been in to investigate the murder of a young girl. Faceless people standing up to offer words in honor of the dead, making them seem more like saints than the ordinary people that they were. One glance to see that Sara was clinging tightly to Nick's hand with tears sliding down her cheeks, causing a pang so deep he couldn't bring himself to look again. He recalled people talking to him afterwards, but he couldn't really remember who they were or what they said.
At least until he was back in his office and the images played over and over in his mind, finally interrupted by a concerned looking Catherine standing in his doorway, "Gil?"
He glanced up and didn't even pretend to smile, he simply gestured towards the chair across from his desk knowing that he had a decision to make and somehow it seemed appropriate that of all the people who might pry into what his state of mind was that it would be Catherine; other than Brass she probably knew him best. After nearly 20 years of working with him, she ought to.
Catherine sank into the chair and leaned back, pausing to study her friend for a moment with slightly pursed lips before she said anything. Her brow was furrowed as she spoke, "Gil, you look...tired." There was more to it than mere fatigue and she was genuinely worried about his state of mind; he wasn't acting like Grissom.
He saw no need to deny what was clearly evident, "I am tired." The truth was, he was beginning to realize that he'd gone past burnout and hadn't heeded the warning signs.
Catherine's tone was soft, that sort of maternal tone she reserved for Lindsey, "This seems like more than just an 'I haven't had enough sleep' tired though, Gil." She wondered if all of the events in the last month or so had become too much for him. She knew that he was still agonizing over Sara, but to her knowledge, he hadn't bothered to do anything about it, rather taking the path of least resistance and being completely miserable as a result.
Grissom let out a weary sigh and removed his glasses and rubbed the bridge of his nose, "I'm thinking about quitting, Cath."
For some reason Catherine wasn't really all that surprised by his confession; truth be told, she'd seen the signs even before he'd apparently started dating Sara. The fact that he'd gone ahead and dated a subordinate in the first place told her that he had been on the edge. She had thought that if Gil ever got the courage to pursue Sara he'd change his status first, "Burnout?"
Grissom felt relief that she seemed to understand without having to delve into great detail. That was something that he genuinely appreciated about his friendship with Catherine; she was good with people and she knew him well enough to read between the lines. "Yeah," he let out another sigh, "I just don't think I can do this anymore. I used to be able to focus regardless of what else was going on, but I seem to have lost something and I don't know how to get that back; I don't know if I want to get it back." Sophia and Alex being killed in a car crash had been the proverbial last straw on a stack that in reality had been building for years.
Catherine gently probed, "Does this have anything to do with Sara?" She knew that for Gil to finally give in to his feelings and pursue his colleague, subordinate or not, meant that the thing that he'd devoted most of his adult life too just didn't matter as much as it used to. Part of her wondered if him having some semblance of normalcy, or at least as normal as he would allow had shown him that there truly was more to life than work.
Grissom set his glasses down on the desk and leaned back in his chair, bridging his fingers together, "Maybe. I don't really know to tell you the truth. I was happy with her, Cath, really happy." The fact that Sara apparently hadn't been happy with him stabbed at his heart again as he recalled how it had been Nick who'd held her hand at the funeral and had taken her home; not him. He'd had his chance and although she'd said she wasn't sure she could give him what he asked, she hadn't said no outright. There was the faintest glimmer of hope still alive inside of him that someday she might change her mind.
"Sometimes you don't realize what you have until it's gone," that seemed to be the story of Catherine's life. It was only after Warrick had eloped with Tina that she'd realized that if she'd truly wanted him she should have said something to him; but then she'd been promoted and if she was honest with herself, she was a little dizzy with newfound power. Any opportunity she'd had with Warrick vanished at the point she became his boss.
Grissom nodded in agreement, he was keenly aware of how painful that statement was when it played out in your own life. He hadn't realized until it was too late that by opening himself up to loving Sara that he'd opened himself up to feelings that he'd tried to shut out for years. Maybe it was that overrun of emotion that he seemed to be feeling at every turn that had made him feel like it was impossible for him to continue working in a career that required him to remain objective and emotionally detached.
"Listen, Gil, whatever you decide, I'm behind you a hundred percent, but just make sure you do this for the right reason. Are you sure quitting is the answer; maybe you should just look into taking a sabbatical and start using up some of that vacation you never seem to have time for." Catherine wasn't quite ready to lose her friend; he might feel like he was burnt out now, but maybe after a few months of rest, relaxation, and a change of scenery he might be a new man. He was a brilliant criminalist and it would be a shame for them to lose him.
Grissom looked even wearier as he considered her suggestion, "I just don't know, Cath, I just don't know." He knew he had a lot to think about, but whatever he decided he needed to do it soon, if he wasn't able to get his mind focused on work, he was in serious danger of compromising a case and that was a risk he wasn't willing to take.