Chapter 2
I don't own PLL
Two weeks. Two fucking weeks. Thats how long its been since I've spoke to Spencer. Its been too long. She said she was giving us a break. She said she wanted to be friends still. She said so many things, that ended up not being true. The worse part is, that I can't get mad at her for this. This wasn't her fault. I did this to us. I broke our relationship. I lost her trust. I caused her to loose her happiness. I break everything I touch, and theres nothing I can do about that.
My family is a mess because of me. My friends aren't talking because of me. Ezra Fitz is dead because of me. Im a fucking time bomb just waiting to explode and destroy everything around me. I don't deserve Spencer, or Ezra, or anyone. I don't deserve love.
I snap myself back to reality as the school bell rings. School. Theres another thing that I'm messing up. My grades have been complete shit lately. I can't concentrate, I can't focus, I can't even write. Im just to distracted.
My next class is music. That might be the only class left that still holds a tiny shred of hope left for me. Firstly, none of my friends, or should I say ex-friends, are in that class, secondly, it doesn't require much writing and studying thus, giving me my only escape for the day, The only class that doesn't push me over the edge. The only class I just feel like the old me again.
I make my way to the small music room and take a seat near the back. A few students are already here, just mindlessly chatting. A few moments later and Noel Kahn walks in.
My thoughts are brought back to the time where I actually liked Noel. A much, much simpler time. Where school girl crushes were normal. Where squealing and laughing with your girlfriends but a cute guy in your music class was normal. Where absentmindedly flirting, like twirling your hair in your fingers, was all normal teenage behaviour. I miss that. I miss the feeling of normal. Noel was a huge part of that. And as he took a sat next to me, flashing me a soft sad smile, I found myself liking it, and looking for comfort in it.
"Hey" He spoke gently. My head lifted, and my eyes met his. "Hey" I sighed, staring into his deep green eyes. "Hows it, uh, hows it going?" He asked cautiously. Almost everyone in school knew me and Fitz being an item, and they all knew about his death, on top of that almost every knew about about me and Spencers 'breakup' too. Resulting in everyone in this damn school talking to me like their stepping on thin ice.
"How do you think?" I asked rolling my eyes. He waited a moment to speak. Almost like he was really thinking about it. "Im sure its not easy" He chuckled slightly. A pity laugh more then anything. After that he nervously placed his hand on the back of his neck. "Nope sure not easy" I smiled, humouring his attempt to make things less tense.
"Listen, I know things probably suck right now, and I know you're not looking for anything. But, I remember a time where we were actually friends, and I think you could really use a friend right now, and I would like to be that friend" He said keeping his gaze locked on my the whole time he spoke. My smiled had returned only this time, it was genuine.
"I'd really like that" I told him sincerely. A smile appeared on his face as well. "Great, in that case, I heard we were getting a duet project today, how would you like to be partners, friend?" He asked, his mood turning to more of a chipper goofy mood, then the tense unsure one from before. "I would love to be your partner" I said.
"Awesome we can work on it tonight if you'd like" He asked me. "Yeah okay" I told him. "Well, why don't you come over to my place at after school" Noel asked waiting for my reply. I just nodded. "Ok, so what song are we going to do…it could be kinda like-" Noel began speaking but I cut him off. "Hey Noel?" I said. "Yeah?" He asked with a slight confused look on his face. "Thank you" I told him, trying hard not to let any emotion show. He smiled. "For what?" I looked down. "For caring" I spoke honestly.
Music class eventually ended and we received our assignment. A duet. It was pretty straight forward, you picked a partner, you picked a song, and you sang in front of the class.
Weirdly, I was actually kind of excited about this assignment. Singing was another one of those things that reminded me of my simpler life. I loved to sing. It was just a great way to express myself. I only had two ways of expressing feelings and it was through singing or writing. And when a pen and a piece of paper had failed me, singing was always there for me. Im also glad its with Noel. Im combining two things that make me feel normal, and I feel like I might actually catch a break tonight. I might actually just have fun. Singing and being with a good guy. Nothing could ruin it.
So when the day came to an end, Noel offered me a ride and I gladly accepted it. We walked through the hallways making our way to the parking lot and as we did I couldn't help but notice Spencer standing at her locker. I could tell she wasn't doing amazing either. She looked tired, and maybe even a little thinner then usual. I knew there was nothing I could do to help her. Not anymore. I just hoped, I prayed that she wasn't using still. My heart was breaking just thinking about Spencer still using. But as me and Noel were getting closer to approaching her, I pushed those thoughts out of my mind and made eye contact with her for just a moment.
She looked sad, she broke contact with me and placed her gaze on Noel, and her sadness turned to anger. She couldn't be jealous could she? I needed to know, I needed to know if she was. I brushed myself up against Noel more and joined our hands. He looked down to at me curiously. But let it go and continued to hold my hand. He then put his arm around me as we kept walking. I swallowed nervously, taking another quick glance Spencers way and saw that she really was jealous. She was practically fuming from her locker, sending daggers me and Noels way with her eyes. I turned around, keeping my gaze fixed ahead of me after that. But I couldn't help the little smile that was plastered on my face now. Spencer was jealous, which meant that Spencer still cared.
Noel and I have been practicing our song for almost two hours now. We have the lyrics to We Are Stars by Virginia To Vegas, pretty much memorized now, and were just going over it, seeing how our voices mesh together.
We were in his room. I sat the end of his bed. While he was leaning against his desk. "We sound really good together" He said as he walked over to the bed, sitting next to me. "Yeah, better then the original" I laughed. He laughed slightly too. "Definitely" He agreed. He then started leaning towards me slowly at first. What was he doing? Was he going to kiss me? My heart beat began beating a thousand times a minute and I wanted to pull away before he got the chance to get closer but my reflexes weren't fast enough, and his lips connected to mine.
I expected the kiss to be rushed, sloppy, and one-sided but as the kiss continued for a second, I found myself starting to enjoy it, and started kissing back. I don't know if it was just because I was looking for love, or because I always kinda had a thing for Noel, or maybe it was even the fact that Spencer being jealous was still in my mind, and made me want to keep doing this. I don't know why, maybe it was all those reasons, but my better sense of judgement kicked in, and then I pulled back.
"What are you doing?" I asked. Noel nervously sat further away from me. "Im sorry.. its just, when we were walking out of school, you held my hand…and-and I just thought-" Noel began speaking. My mind was blocking him out now, as it was trapped deep in thought. He didn't just want to get in my pants or take advantage. He cared, and I gave him false hope. I was the one that held his hand, and snuggled up to him while walking out of the school, giving him the idea that I wanted this. Once again, I, Aria Montgomery was going to hurt another person. Because I had to tell him I didn't want this.
But as I looked into those eyes of his, watching him nervously ramble on, I couldn't help but ask myself what was holding me back. Noel liked me. I liked Noel. I was single. Noel was single. So why was I telling myself I had to tell him no? What was stopping me? Spencer? Please, she broke up with me. She's the one avoiding me. And yeah maybe she was a little jealous today, but that didn't mean she wanted me back. She was probably just shocked to see me with Noel Kahn of all people. And quite frankly, she had no right to be jealous. She ended this. Not me. So now, I'm going to do something for me. And not because I want to make Spencer jealous, but because I want something to feel normal again, and being with a guy that you've had a crush on, while working on a school assignment sounded like a perfectly normal thing to me.
"Noel?" I asked stopping his ramble. "Uh Yeah?" He asked meeting my eyes. "Kiss me?" I asked. "You-you want me too?" He asked, while moving closer to me again. I nodded. "Yeah, I do" Noel closed the space between us once again, and placed his lips on mine.
That night, I slept with Noel Kahn. Ironic really. Sleeping with Noel had been a fantasy of mine for all of my freshman and softmore year. Yet here I was, now in senior year, finally getting to fulfil my fantasy and I felt nothing. No spark, no fireworks, nothing amazing at all. It was just sex. Meaningless, boring sex. It didn't even begin to compare to the way Spencer could make me feel, or Ezra for that matter. The only other two people I've slept with and the only two people I've ever loved. I suppose that was the difference. When I slept with Ezra I had loved him, and it was an amazing experience. And when I slept with Spencer, I had loved her, and it was too, an amazing experience. With Noel I felt nothing. Especially not love.
Now all I felt was dirty. And I just wanted to go home. Noel was still asleep and I decided that I would just leave. Sure it wasn't the nicest way to leave things with someone who just made love to you, but I really didn't care at the moment. I got my things and headed out. Leaving Noel still asleep in his bed.
I walked into my house, after walking about 30 minutes from Noels. I made my way upstairs and into my room. I dumped my stuff on my bed and then went to the bathroom. Looking into the mirror I saw that I looked pretty shitty. My hair was a mess, and my makeup from yesterday was smudged and out of place. I really didn't like this look on me. I sighed and turned on the tap, turning it all the way to hot, and waiting for it to heat up. I opened my medicine drawer and got an advil, popping it in without any water. I then washed my face with the burning water, cleaning it from the messy makeup left on my face. I proceeded to do my hair, re-do my makeup and then make my way back to my bedroom to get changed. Unfortunately I still had to go to school today, as much as I would love to just stay in bed, and sleep away all the shame and regret from last night there was no way in hell my parents would let me stay home, unless I was on the verge of death. At least not lately. They were always to busy arguing, and yelling at each other to care about me or Mike, and the last thing they wanted was for us to be home to watch the show.
So I had changed and brushed my teeth. Then checking the time I saw that it was 7:30. School doesn't start until 8:30, but will be at least another thirty minute walk to school. My car wasn't an option lately, ever since my mom moved out. My dad has not been doing great when it came to money, he told me I had to start paying for anything related to my car, including gas. And I had no money at the moment. Leaving my car almost empty and un drivable. I knew I would have to get a job soon and find away to start pulling my own weight, but with everything going on in my life right now, I haven't found the time, or the proper emotional state to look for a job.
The walk was long but it was a good time to just think. I made it to school eventually though. At 8:00. I walked into school and started heading for my locker. "Slut" I heard a random voice say as a girl walked by. I furrowed my brows. Extremely confused. "Hey Aria! I didn't know you were so desperate, it only takes one kiss to get into your pants huh?" Then some douchebag jock laughed from across the hall. Oh no. no no no. This can't be happening. Noel seriously couldn't have told everyone. "Hey look its the whore" Another girl said to her friend while passing by.
Thats it. Where is that dickhead, Noel. Im going to kill him.