Risen

AN: Okay, so I thought I'd do something different with this chapter. This chapter is going to be told mostly from BUFFY's point of view. I'm not talking about vampire Buffy. I'm talking about the REAL Buffy. As in, Buffy's soul. It'll be like Buffy's watching everything that's going on right now, though I'll try not to reveal too much. I don't want to give the ending away, or anything, otherwise, there'd be no point in any of my readers continuing to read this story! But you know, as I type this author's note, I'm wondering to myself how many people actually read these little notes, or just skip past them to get to the story. Huh. I could probably type anything I want to up here, and nobody would ever really pay attention. Hmmm... Horseshoe, donkey-tail, ladybug, dog ears, rabbit feet, stop sign, diga-diga-diga-diga! Okay, I'm sorry about that burst of randomness to anyone who actually read that. I just watched one of Jeff Dunham's Comedy Central routines on my DVR, and I've got it stuck in my mind right now. Anyone who's seen this scene from this routine knows which one I'm talking about. "It's like taking a bunch of blind people to see David Copperfield! 'The elephant disappeared... It just disappeared... You should see... Oh, I'm sorry!'"

Chapter 8...

I remember my last moments like it was just yesterday. Then again, as a dead person, time doesn't really mean anything, so I guess, for me, it could have been yesterday. Or it could be tomorrow. or it could be happening right now. Anyway, it pretty much sucked, dying. I mean that figuratively, though I guess it's kind of literal, too.

I'm fighting several vamps at once. As soon as we charged, the vampires broke rank and attacked us. We were all highly trained, and were pretty much the longest activated Slayers in existence, with the exception of Kennedy, who was with Willow at another battle somewhere else in the desert, and the few Slayers who survived Battle Sunnydale. A few hundred vampires should be nothing, right?

Apparently, I'm right. Dust is flying with every vamp I stake. I never really get a scratch on me. It seems like they were hoping to overwhelm us with sheer numbers. Under normal circumstances, they'd be right, but when it comes to Slayers and adrenaline, nothing is ever normal. We're already as fast as vampires, but with adrenaline, we're three, no, four times as fast. And four times as strong. These vampires don't seem to have been out of the ground for long. Even with the somehow natural martial arts skills that they pick up, they're still falling like... something that falls really easily. Okay, so as easy as I say it is to kill them, my concentration is still solely on killing them, because if it's not, then one of them will inevitably get lucky, and I'll die.

Then, it happens. I'm down to the last vamp, but it's more skilled than the others. I underestimate it. It gets me in a headlock and bites into my neck. I can feel my life slipping away as I bleed out into its mouth. I kick and scream, and do everythingI can think of to get free, but I'm being drained too quickly. I'm so weak. I do the only other thing I can think of. I bite down on his arm. My teeth cause him to back away a little, and remove his fangs from my neck. Too weak to stand on my own, I topple to the ground and feel dust scatter over my body as the vampire that bit me was staked. I manage to turn in my fall so I land face up and I look into the eyes of my rescuer, who is now screaming down at my body in horror. I die in Faith's arms, and I'm mad. I'm pissed because I never told her how I really felt for her. I know she knew, but I still never actually said it. I was afraid. Afraid that something bad would happen. I've been in love before. I've been told I fall in love too easily, that I'm asking to be hurt, but that never stopped me before. I loved Angel. He was my first true love. It was more than a crush. I truly loved him. And look at what happened then. He went evil, and I had to kill him. He came back, and I fell in love all over again, but he left me. Then there was Riley, though by then, I already knew I was in love with Faith. But I let myself believe that I loved him. But I couldn't stop him from leaving.

Every time I fall in love, I get hurt. That's why I never told Faith. I was afraid of getting hurt. But now, now that I'm lying in her arms, dead, I realize, I was going to get hurt anyway. I should have at least enjoyed being with Faith while it lasted.

And now she won't stop crying over my body. She won't let anyone near me. She looks insane right now. She looks possessed. I hate seeing her like this. I wish I never saw that, because I can't get the image out of my head.

And since time means nothing to me now that I'm dead, it feels like I've been seeing that image in my head for eternity, and only a few seconds at the same time.

I don't know how to explain how I feel right now. I don't feel like I'm in Hell. I don't feel like I'm in Heaven. I feel like I'm... everywhere... and nowhere at the same time. I feel like I embody everything, but don't really exist, either. I feel like... a contradiction. I don't know how else to describe it. But I can see what's happening right now, I remember everything that's happened in the past, and I know what's going to happen in the future, both near, and in the distant future.

But I focus on the present.

Faith is helping that demon in my body escape from the Watchers. At first, I was mad, thinking that she needed to kill it while she had the chance. Don't let me become... that. But then... I realize that she's going to get me back. I don't know how I feel about that. I don't know. I feel... I'm tired. I'm tired of always fighting evil, risking my life every night and day to kill demons. I'm tired. But... Faith isn't going to go get me back to force me to fight again. She's going to get me back to... to get me back. She loves me, and I wish I could tell her now that I'm here. I wish I could give her some kind of sign that I'm here, and tell her how I love her, how I'm in love with her. I realize that, even if I were to go to Heaven right this moment, it wouldn't be Heaven without her. I've been in Heaven before. And I've wanted to go back there ever since Willow tore me out. I never wanted anything more than to go back. Until Faith was back in my life.

When she came back, and we started to build a friendship again, living in the real world was finally bearable again. I didn't miss being in Heaven as much with her around. And, over time, my desire to go back lessened more and more, until I didn't miss Heaven at all, even when I was looking into the eyes of demons, so long as Faith was beside me, there was nowhere I'd rather have been.

But now, seeing her in this cave with Angel, Dawn, Oz and my vampire look-alike, I hate seeing her like this almost as much as I hated seeing her holding my body after I died. She still looks insane, and she grows more and more deranged every hour. It's like I was the only thing keeping her sane this whole time. I know that right now, I'd do anything to get back to her. But, since I'm nothing more than a soul right now, I can't do anything. At all. I can't communicate with her, I can't fight beside her, I can't do anything to help. And I know she can't hear me, but when I see my vampire look-alike beating her up after that game of Truth-or-Dare, I'm screaming, begging myself to stop. To leave Faith alone. To leave my Faith alone.

Then, I'm alone with Faith, my doppelganger having gone back to the rest of the group. Faith curls up into the fetal position and lets it all out. She's crying silently, and I'm amazed at how strong she still is, even with everything that's going on. I know her strength is holding on by a thread, only the hope that she can get me back is keeping her strong. That's all that's keeping her on this side of sanity. But it's still something. She's so strong right now, though I know she feels vulnerable. And my Faith hates feeling vulnerable.

Her cries are so silent, even my Slayer hearing is having a hard time hearing her. She can't feel me, But I still lay on the ground beside her, and I wrap my arms around her protectively, and I cry with her. I know how this ends. I know every possible future branching out from this moment, and I don't know which one I'd rather have happen. Because none of them are good. There are only four possible endings right now. Of course, there are actually countless endings, but if you're looking at it as a general ending, there's only four.

One, Faith succeeds in getting my soul back. Everyone survives, but the catch is, I have to sacrifice my love for her. When I get my soul back, I don't love her anymore, no matter how badly I want to. No matter how badly she wants me to.

Two, again, they get my soul back. This time, I'm still in love with Faith, and we get together. But, we have to stay on the run. Us and everyone who helped Faith get my soul back, including some people who aren't with her right now. Otherwise, the Council kills us all.

Three, Faith decides to kill the vampire me. She drives a stake through my heart. With my body no longer anchoring me down, I go to Heaven, but Faith feels guilty. She turns herself into the Council, and they execute her. They execute her, and track down and kill everyone who helped her.

Finally, the only other ending, Faith continues on her quest. She tries to get my soul back, but vampire me betrays her. Dawn and Oz get separated from us, and I kill Faith. I escape, and am eventually tracked down and killed. Dawn and Oz get away and go into hiding.

But none of these endings are good. None of them. If Faith succeeds, we have to go into hiding, and either I don't love her, or I lose someone I care about, and it could end up actually being Faith. If Faith fails, everyone dies. No happy endings. Then again, we're Slayers. We never get happy endings, anyway.

Finally, Faith gets up and dries her eyes. By the time she gets back to the rest of the group, she looks as if nothing happened at all, except she kind of flinches when she moves. I think she might have a couple broken ribs. They'll heal quickly, though. That's the one thing I always liked about being a Slayer, we heal quickly.

Faith takes a short walk outside, and announces that they should leave soon. Angel, however, is still pretty stubborn, saying that they should wait until the next morning. Dawn and Oz agree with him, so Faith is out voted.

So, instead, Faith lays down on the ground further inside the cave, puts her arms under her head, and falls asleep. Vampy-me stands in the mouth of the cave with Angel, keeping watch, so she never notices Dawn and Oz curling up beside each other, falling asleep in each other's arms.

I sit on the ground and stare at Faith while she sleeps. She had been tossing and turning for about ten minutes, but now she's calm, like she can feel me nearby. I smile. A lonely smile. I miss her, though she's right here. I miss being able to feel her. I miss being able to punch her arm playfully whenever she made a joke about us sleeping together, not-very-subtly beating around the bush. I miss being able to smell her shampoo and perfume, whenever she wore perfume. I miss being able to hear her voice. That's another thing. Since I'm dead, I can't hear anything. I can tell what she's saying, though. I don't know how, but I can. But it's not the same as hearing her say it. I love her voice.

I feel like there's this barrier between us, like some kind of wall. Like if I were just a bit stronger, I could break the barrier and touch her right now. It's so frustrating! If I were just strong enough to break that barrier, I could reach out with my ghostly hand and stroke her hair.

I reach out to touch her, but my hand just goes right through her. I get angry at the sight, it's pissing me off. All I want is to brush the hair from her face so I can see her, and I can't even do that! I recoil in anger, and I feel the rage building inside me as my hand slips out of her head. Finally, I feel the rage explode, and I'm left weakened. I've done a spell or two with Willow when she needed help, mainly so I could know what she feels. It feels like that. I feel like my energy just left me in a major spell when I pull back. But I notice something. Her hair moved.

It could have been the wind, blowing her hair out of her face, but somehow, I don't believe that. I think that my emotions acted as energy of some kind, and it let me move her hair. In the moment that I think I became solid, Faith sighed, like someone actually touched her.

I think it was me. I think I actually touched her.

I have to test this. I reach over and I try to do it again. I try to stroke her hair, but like before, my hand goes right through. I try again, and again, and again, but I have no more success. No matter what I try to do, the only time I succeed in touching her is that first time.

I seem to remember something like this in a movie. I think it was a romantic movie. So Faith wouldn't have any idea about it. Unless it was one of the ones I forced her to watch.

Hmm... Patrick Swayze... Demi Moore... Whoopi Goldberg? That's right. Ghost. The movie "Ghost". I love that movie. I remember the advice that homeless looking ghost guy gave Patrick Swayze in the movie, how to move things. Something about using your anger.

Well, I have lots of anger. I'm an angry person.

I was forced into a destiny I never asked for. I was forced to fight for my life night after night after night. I was forced to risk my life and the lives of everyone I cared about to save the world. I was forced to give up on having a normal life, give up on finding love. I died to protect a bunch of power hungry assholes who were too scared to risk their own lives to save the world, instead, relying on an army of teenage girls to do their dirty work. Finally, what's the thanks I get for dying to protect them? They want to drive a stake through my heart.

I'm a very angry person. This should be easy.

As I think about everything I've lost, and everything I haven't gained, I feel the rage finally rising again. I stand up and let it all out as I kick a rock. The rock soars through the air, and the sound of it bouncing off the walls of the cave echoes throughout the den, causing everyone to jump.

"What was that?" I hear Angel ask. I heard him ask it. I actually heard something. I'm almost in tears at the realization. But now that the rage has left, leaving me weakened again, I can't hear them anymore, which leaves me grief-stricken, because now Faith is talking.

She says something about checking for other openings in the cave, making sure the Watchers aren't sneaking the army in another way. She and Oz get up to go check. I don't follow. Instead, I stay and keep an eye on myself.

She passes the time in silence. I get the feeling that she can tell I'm near, just like Faith can. She scowls whenever I'm near.

That's right, bitch. It's me. I think. You'd better stay the fuck away from my Faith. Stop trying to get into her pants, already. It's pissing me off. I'll stake you, if I have to. Now that I know how to touch things, I'll do it.

(Faith's POV)...

Once me and Oz are headin' into the cave, lookin' for other openings, I feel... I don't know... empty. Even emptier than I've been feelin' all along. I don't know why. It's like there was this boulder that I was holdin' up, and until I just got up and left the group, it felt like there was someone... or somethin' there, helpin' me hold it. But now I'm all alone. I'm the only one holdin' the boulder now.

I really hate that I got woken up. I was finally sleepin' good. I felt comfortable, despite bein' on the cold, hard ground in the cave. I don't know why. There's been several things in the past few hours that I couldn't explain if I tried. Times where I've felt comfortable, almost loved, when there's no reason I should've. Like when I was curled up in the back of the cave, cryin'. Suddenly, I just felt comfortable.

And when B was beatin' the shit outta me, I could almost hear the real Buffy screamin', beggin' her to stop. I felt at peace.

God, I swear, I've read somethin' like this before. No one knows it, but I'm actually every bit as much a sucker for romance as B. I read Twilight. Yes, I actually read that series. And, aside from the fact that those things in the series were obviously not vampires, I actually enjoyed it. I remember New Moon. It's been a while since I read the series, so I think it was New Moon, but I might be wrong. Maybe it was Eclipse. Anyway, I remember this part, where Bella's all fucked up in the head, hallucinatin', seein' Edward any time she's in danger, so she keeps puttin' herself in danger just so she can see him. That's how I feel right now. Like, if I were to put myself in danger right now, I might feel B somewhere nearby. Like if I got hurt, I'd feel her there, comfortin' me, beggin' me not to do somethin' like that again. And damn it, I'm actually considerin' it.

"Hey, Oz... Do you think... Do you think that ghosts are real?" I ask Scruffy beside me.

"Why do you ask?"

"Just answer the fuckin' question, would ya?"

He thinks for a minute. "I think so. I mean, I like to believe it. I know Dawn does. She told me that there was this time that she was talking to her mom's ghost. So... yeah, I guess I do believe in ghosts."

Okay, then he won't think I'm completely fucked up. "Do... do you think-"

"I don't know."

"You don't even-"

"Yes I do. You were going to ask if I thought maybe Buffy was a ghost now, and if she's with us, watching us. I don't know. I don't know if she's a ghost now. I mean, she's dead, but she's alive at the same time. I don't know if someone can be two different forms of the undead at the same time."

"Well... It's just... I think I've been feelin' her lately. Like, I can feel her close... I don't know... maybe it's just wishful thinkin'. Maybe I'm just hopin' too hard orsomethin', and it's just a hallucination."

"Maybe. Maybe not. Maybe you sense Buffy's soul. I mean, as a Slayer, you're more in tune with the undead than others. Maybe you're sensing her soul nearby, like it hasn't decided to leave competely yet. Maybe Buffy's fighting to get back. It's possible."

I smile. "Yeah. If anyone's stubborn enough to come back to life three fuckin' times, it's her. God, I bet she's drivin' Death fuckin' insane, with all her resurrections."

Oz chuckles.

"Yeah." We walk the rest of the way in silence. Then head back in silence when we don't find any other holes.

...

"Well, we went all the way back, but there's no other ways in or out." I say when I'm close enough to talk to Angel. "We're alone in here."

Angel nods. "Well, the sun's going to come up any minute now. If you're going to leave, might as well go now."

I nod in reply. "Let's go."

...

(Omniscient POV)...

Angel's alone in the cave now. He's set his mind now. He's all ready. He's come to terms with what he has to do. The Watchers are fixing to invade the cave. They had been keeping watch all night, thinking there was no way they'd leave in the middle of the day, when Buffy would burst into flame when the sun was up. Since they never left last night, they're still in the cave, obviously.

Ah. Here they come now. The Watchers are coming.

"Angelus? Where are they?" One of the Watchers ask. Angel doesn't recognize him.

"I go by Angel. And since I don't recognize you, that means you're lower down on the political ladder. That means you should refer to me as Councillor Angel. Not "Angelus", Councillor Angel."

He sighs. "Fine then, Councillor Angel. Where are they?"

"They're gone. Buffy took my ring, so she's immune to the sunlight now. I'm not, though. So, if you want to kill me, kill me. Otherwise, you'd probably better figure out where they're going, and get them."

The Watcher curses under his breath, and retreats from the cave. Angel can hear the trucks pulling away in the distance, combing the desert for the runaways.

Well... Here goes nothing. Angel stands up from where he had been sitting on a rock in the cave. He walks closer to the opening, stopping just before he left the shadows and steped into the sun.

"Buffy... If you're there, I hope you find happiness with her. Don't you dare break her heart." Angel said aloud. He felt like the message had been recieved. With that knowledge, he stepped forward, ignoring the flames that were now spreading rapidly across his body. With one last look of defiance on his face, he looked straight up at the sun high in the sky and spread his arms out to either side. He didn't cry out in pain. He just stood there and let the flames consume him.

Well, I was going for an emotional ending to this chapter, so... how'd I do? I'd appreciate the input anyone has to provide.