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I couldn't touch her after we sent Angelus to get his soul back. I knew I didn't deserve her. I wanted to so bad, but I couldn't. And it was frustrating for her. My bunny had never been the most patient of women, but when she decided that she had forgiven me, she lost all pretense of wanting to be celibate and careful. Fawn, though she'd learned a lot in all of her years living, had never fully learned to control her emotions and hormones. So, when she decided she wanted something, she was a dangerous little thing.
"Jamesy." She had the sweetest purr. It was throaty and light, almost a growl, but with a giggle in it.
"What, bunny?" I was in the library, trying to ignore her. But, apparently, seventeen years was way too long for her to go without contact.
"Come to bed, please. I want to go to bed."
"Bunny, the night just started. It's too early to sleep. Are you alright?" I didn't look away from the book I was holding.
"I'm fine. I'm just bored. Please. It's been a very long time, Jamesy. I want to go to bed with you."
I heard her feet pad across the floor before she pressed her front to my back. She wrapped her arms around my waist and I let go of the book with one hand to pat hers. "We're not going to bed, bunny. You have to find a different way to amuse yourself for a few hours."
"But, Jamesy…"
"Fawn, I said no." I closed the book and turned around to stare down at her. Her arms were still wrapped tight around my waist. "We're not climbing into bed together."
"James, we haven't been in bed together for seventeen years. Don't you think that's a little too long? Come on. It's 1930. Let's celebrate that women can wear dresses that show their ankles. Aren't you titillated by my ankles, Jamesy?"
"I'm titillated by the idea of us having some lunch." I pressed a kiss to her forehead and she pulled away with a deep set frown.
"James, I've forgiven you. You've decided you want to stay with me. Can we please do all that stuff we used to do? I'll even give you a nibble," she bargained.
"Absolutely not. Come on, bunny. We're getting lunch. I'll let you feed me and you can practice magic while I go out for a bit."
"You have to go out?"
"I have to go out, bunny. Come on. Let's go."
I pulled her out of the library and to the kitchen where the lunch table was set for her, waiting for her to eat, as she was the only one in the house who actually needed to eat. I sat down and settled her on top of my lap so she could pout in a comfortable position. Her hand servants waited on her patiently and she was sullen while she ate, but she did eat. She'd never been one for hunger strikes. Then, I left her with her other knights and took my leave of her, for just a few hours. Just enough time to resist the urge to devour her. I did that often. Got up and left. So I could resist her for just a few more hours.
I didn't deserve her. I didn't earn her. Not in the way I should have. So, until I could deserve her, I did that. When I went on those walks, I didn't have a place in mind. I just walked until I thought the sun would be coming up soon, then I'd head home and climb into her bed, where she'd be sleeping peacefully. She'd curl into my body and nuzzle my neck with her nose and then she'd continue sleeping like it was nothing.
"Jamesy." The purr was gone. There was only a solemnness to her voice.
"Yeah, bunny?" She was tracing patterns on my bare back and her chin was pressed between my shoulder blades.
"Why are you seeking so hard to find a soul? That's what you're looking for, isn't it? That's why you read so often? You want to find a soul without the curse. But without me having to do it." She was so calm about it. Her fingernails never stopped tracing the curves of my back.
"What would make you think that, princess?"
"Because I know everything about you, Jamesy. And I know you think it's the only way you can deserve me. But it's not. I don't care if you have a soul or not."
I rolled over and she shifted so that she was strewn across my chest, her olive eyes staring down at me with worry. I took a deep breath and then let it out.
"We've been doing this too long, James. I can't keep this like it. I want us to be us. I want things to go back to how they were before you left with Angelus. What's keeping you stuck like this?"
I reached up and ran my fingers through all the blonde hair hanging loose. I avoided the topic and said instead, "You should have dark hair with all this olive skin. You should be darker my little Greek."
"I'm the Chosen one, my knight." Her fingers came up to run through my hair as well. "Now don't change the subject. What's going on with you? What's been going on with you?"
It took a moment to say it. To choke it out.
"Bunny, I really, truly don't deserve you. You chose me but you shouldn't have. You chose a blackened man. A man who has no soul. I want one so it doesn't hurt to feel this way about you. I want a soul so that my muscles don't scream when you touch me. I want a soul so that I can love you without aching. I want a soul so that I can adore you without my entire nature raging inside me. I feel like there are these two parts of me. One of them twisted, craving destruction throughout the world. The other craving you, and you only. Your safety, your well-being, your body, your soul. I want to know that I won't be able to hurt you. I want to know that I'll never be able to hurt you again."
"That's what it will take for you to forgive yourself?" Her eyebrows furrowed together and her perfect lips turned down in a frown.
"I don't know, bunny. But it's what it will take for me able to fully love you. It's what it will take for me to be able to be with you for the rest of eternity without fearing what will happen to you."
She nodded slowly and then said suddenly, "Then let me give you what you want. Let me give you back your soul."
I rolled away from her quickly and leapt from the bed. "No!"
"And why is that?"
"Because I'm not earning it if you give it back to me! I'm not deserving of it. I'm still not deserving of you!"
"You're an idiot." She didn't even leap up off the bed. She just sat up, her curls falling down around her face and her lips curled into an irritated sneer. "You're a bloody fucking idiot."
"And you're spoiled, but I love you anyway." The sneer fell off her face and her head cocked to the side like a confused puppy.
"What?" I demanded.
"That's the first time you've actually said it." Her voice regained her usual, airy tone.
"What?"
"That's the first time you've actually said 'I love you.' Usually it's 'so I can love you' or 'I can't love you.' And you said it in the middle of an argument, you selfish beast! You're the only person who has ever loved me and you said it during an argument!"
She wasn't mad enough for things in the room to float, which was an improvement from her usual temper. So I took the risk and argued back, "You've known since I got back from my time with Angelus that I've loved you. It's no surprise, bunny."
"No surprise! Clearly it is to one of us! You're having yourself a fit trying to figure out whether you want to love me or not. Whether you need a soul or not. Guess what, Jamie! You want a soul, I'll give you a soul. And it will burn and break and hurt. And you will beg me to take it back. And I will. Because I can't see you hurting! So go get my stuff and I'll give you a damn soul again, Jamesy. Go get my stuff so I can take the pain away. Please, James." Her voice broke and all of the fight went out of me. She sniffled and I took the seat beside her on the bed. I pulled her onto my lap and wrapped her tight in my arms.
"Bunny, I want to take care of you. I don't want you to have to do this. I didn't want you to give me my soul because I didn't know how to ask you for it. I didn't want you to be the one to give me something that I'm going to give back to you. I wanted to give you a gift. My heart, my mind, and my soul. I didn't think I could do that unless I got it from somewhere else."
"That's so stupid, James. If you want a soul, let me give it to you. Let me give you what you want. That's all I ever want to do."
"Bunny, I can't do that."
"Do it or I'll go behind your back and do it."
"It's hard to go behind my back when I'm with you all the time."
"Not when you're out on your little wandering sprees."
"You wouldn't do that. You'd wait until I was here. So you could walk me through having a soul again. So you could be there to nurse me and take care of me."
"So you're agreeing to it. You want me to give you your soul back."
"You're putting words in my mouth, my princess."
"Let me do it, Jamie. You don't want to be wandering around when you get a soul. You want to be here with me. That should be my gift. My gift should be that you're here with me, so that I can protect you and care for you the way you've protected and cared for me all these years. Plus, if you get a soul from anyone else, I'll take it away and do it myself."
"Brat."
"I'll do anything to have you back with me. It will be the last of your penance towards me. Then, we can get on with our lives."
"I'm not exactly alive, bunny."
"Then, your unlife. But we're going to get on with it. Give me this. Let your final act of penance be me causing you the worst pain you can ever imagine. Then, let me be the one at your side for the rest of my life."
"And the rest of mine. Because, when you leave this earth, I leave this earth. This I promise you."
She pulled her face out of the crook of my neck and smiled up at me softly. She ordered, "We start tomorrow. Father should be interested in this."
"Great. It will take us longer than tomorrow if we're going to get your Father's blessing."
"You and I both know Father will bless what I ask for. Now. Would you like to sleep again?"
"Yes, please, bunny."