Author: Rabid Squirrel
Title: "Murphy's Law"
Disclaimer: If I actually owned BTVS, would I bother to write fanfiction? Seriously, Buffy and co. are owned by Joss Whedon, Kazui Productions, 20th Century Fox, and UPN, sick bastards all of them.
Summary: Follow-up to the travesty that was season 6. Answers questions such as: Why Spike is able to hit Buffy; why did Xander really leave Anya at the alter; where does Whistler get his wardrobe; and just what really is in a hot dog. (Just kidding about the hot dog – nobody knows what they hell they put in those)
Spoilers: Thru season 6, though my selective memory allows me to edit out or rewrite certain unsavory aspects. Also, this may be a crossover at some point, though I make no guarantees.
Rating: R, for violence, strong language, sexual content, and the untimely demise of cute little puppies and bunny rabbits.
Dedication: To all B/Xers, who know that B/S is simply that - BS.
Feedback: As always, constructive criticism and positive feedback are more than welcome. I also accept flames; I use them to light my cigarettes. Thanks to RobClark, Finn Mac Cool, lwbush, de profuundis, Ghostrider, Aquila, WBH21C and all the others who have taken the time to read and review this little work of fiction. I'm glad you came along for the ride.
Note: Thanks to WBH21C for keeping me straight by pointing out that the Comanche is not a single seat aircraft. See kids, it pays to do your homework. It makes you look all smart and stuff. Also, I apologize for the slow pace of the story. I felt the need to address the touchy-feely subjects before moving on to the rest of the story. Things should pick up in the next chapter.
Chapter 5 Somewhere on the streets of SunnydaleIn her two short years of existence, Dawn Summers had often known fear. She'd been attacked by demons, pursued by a homicidal army of knights, and hounded by a fashion conscious goddess hell-bent on destroying the world. And yet, she had never feared for her life as much as she did at this moment.
"Um, Buffy, that little red sign with the white border – you know, the one that says stop on it? You, uh, didn't by any chance see it did you…… cause if you did, you maybe should have considered stopping."
If Buffy had heard her sister, she gave no indication. Instead, she stomped down on the throttle, accelerating the Jeep past 60 mph, slightly in excess of the posted limit of 25. Dawn's hands gripped the armrest tightly, threatening to tear through the faded leather upholstery. God; Why do these things always happen to me? She quickly scanned the road ahead, thankful that it was relatively free of obstructions – relatively being the operative word. There were people about; not many, but enough to pose a problem. "You know, just for once, couldn't you choose a more convenient time to go all schizoid on me? I would like to see my 18th birthday, if that's all right with you?" Still no response. OK, so much for pleading with her. At least we don't have far to go – only two miles more; what could possibly happen?
Fate chose the worst possible moment to intervene, as was her practice. A flash of movement from the left caught Dawn's eye, a flash she quickly discerned to be a small child running into the street. "Buffy look out!" she screamed, lunging to grab the steering wheel. Buffy moved faster. Acting purely on instinct, she slammed on the brakes, simultaneously jerking the wheel to the right, directing 2 tons of skidding steel over the curb and onto the sidewalk. The Jeep momentarily left the ground, touching down again in the grass on the far side of the sidewalk. Buffy immediately whipped the wheel back to the left, narrowly avoiding a large elm tree. They swerved back onto the road, leaving a pair of skid marks and one very startled seven year-old in their wake. Dawn counted to three, then opened her eyes again. OK, I'm still breathing, and Buffy's still driving, albeit like a maniac, but still driving. I guess I'm still alive. Dawn pinched herself just to be sure. "Ouch." Okay, that settles it. Still alive. Dawn entertained a glance at the dashboard. Despite the near miss, Buffy hadn't eased of the accelerator a bit. "Uh, Buff. Not sure if you're up to speed on the ole slayer handbook, but I'm pretty certain you're supposed to protect people, not turn them into road kill. You may wanna try easing up on the gas."
Still, Buffy said nothing.
Dawn had almost reached the limit of her patience. "Jesus, could you possibly have any more issues?" No sooner had the words left her mouth, than another movement caught her eye, this time from the passenger side. "Buffy….," she yelled again, but was too late. A loud thump could be heard as the Cherokee's front passenger-side tire struck a living, breathing creature, killing the hapless victim instantly. Buffy stared straight ahead at the road, even as she felt her sister's incredulous gaze upon her. Dawn glanced over at her sister, shaking her head in disbelief. "Congratulations sis, you just killed the Easter Bunny. I hope you're satisfied."
"Dawn," Buffy said, speaking at last, "do me a favor and shut the hell up. I'm trying to drive."
"Maybe you should try a little harder," Dawn mumbled to herself.
"I heard you."
"That'd be a first."
"Dammit Dawn, would you drop it already? I'm not in the mood!"
Dawn had had enough. "Have it your way," she said, reaching out to grab the door handle. She unlatched her seat belt with her left hand, simultaneously opening the door with her right. Buffy's eyes went wide as she saw what Dawn was up to. She slammed on the brakes, reaching out to grab her sister. "Dawn, what the hell do you think you're doing. You're gonna get yourself killed."
Dawn snorted in disgust at her sister. "As opposed to staying in here and letting you kill me? I think I'll pass."
Buffy was stunned. "Dawn, I would never do anything to hurt you. You know that."
Dawn raised an eyebrow at her sister's assertation. "I suppose that little impromptu driving demonstration was for my benefit? Wait, don't tell me, it was the rabbit wasn't it? It was an evil rabbit. The shifty eyes are always a dead giveaway. You saved my life again, Buff.
"God Dawn, do you always have be so sarcastic?"
"Tool's of the trade, sis. You use stakes, I use sarcasm. It's my thing."
"I'm tempted use my stakes right about now.…" Subtlety was a skill the Slayer had not mastered.
"Again with the trying to kill me. Hate to be the bearer of bad tidings, Buffy, but if you want me dead, you're gonna have to take a number. Killing me seems to be a popular theme these days."
"Look Dawn, I…" Before Buffy could finish, she was cut off by a barrage of blaring horns from the cars stopped behind them. Extending her arm out the window, she flipped them the bird. Buffy put the Jeep in gear and turned to her sister. "We'll talk about this later. We're going home"
"No."
"No? We're not going home?"
"No."
"What?"
"We're going to talk about this now, Buffy. With our track record, there's no guarantee we'll be alive later, so we'll talk now."
"Morbid much?"
"Not morbid. Practical. We live on the Hellmouth, and we both seem to have a genetic predisposition to attracting mayhem, ergo the whole carpe diem thingy. We can't afford to put off anything important – the world may end tomorrow for all we know."
"Dawn, just so you know, you have absolutely no future as a motivational speaker."
"That's okay," Dawn confessed, "I've always had my heart set on being a florist." The look that comment elicited from her sister was classic. "God Buffy, chill, I'm joking! I've never wanted to be a florist. I'm not crazy…well – maybe just a little. All kidding aside, we really do need to talk about what happened. And please, don't interrupt. Buffy, I-I know you would never intentionally do anything to hurt me. I mean, I can't count the number of times you've saved my life these past two years, even after I purposely disobeyed you. And I'm also aware that the past year hasn't exactly been a walk in the park for you…"
Buffy sighed, an inscrutable expression on her face. "It has been a rough couple of years."
"The worst," Dawn agreed.
"I died," lamented Buffy.
"You had your soul torn out of heaven."
"I miss mom."
"So do I."
"Dad's a bastard."
"Agreed."
"I slept with Spike."
"More than once."
"I'm a college dropout flipping burgers at the Doublemeat Palace."
"For seven dollars an hour."
"I hate that place."
"Ditto."
"Tara died, and I almost did…"
"Again."
"Xander left Anya at the altar."
"Spike tried to rape you."
"Xander hates me."
"And you're in love with him."
"And I'm in love with him," Buffy repeated. "Wait…what did you say?"
Checkmate. "You said it sis – you're in love with Xander."
"I am not! I am not in love with Xander Harris. I mean, yeah, I love Xander, but I'm not in love with him. He's my platonic, Xander-shaped friend…at least I still think he is."
Dawn was not convinced. "Right. And that little psychotic episode you just had was a completely rational reaction to Willow and Xander sleeping together."
"Look, I admit that I was a little thrown by it…"
"A little? Christ Buffy, you make postal workers look sane."
"As I was saying before I was so rudely interrupted, I was a little thrown at first. I just think it's too soon for either of them to be getting involved, especially with each other. They've gone down that road before, at look where it got them."
"And this has nothing to do with the fact that you're jealous of Willow?"
"I'm not jealous of Willow," said Buffy, pulling into the driveway. "I'm concerned that they're making a mistake. Willow lost Tara only a month ago, and Xander still has unresolved issues with Anya."
"He's not the only one with unresolved issues."
Buffy turned off the Jeep's engine and turned to look at her sister. "You're right Dawn, he's not the only one with issues. But mine don't involve Xander."
"Buffy, like it or not, everything you do involves Xander. He's a big part of your life, and he always will be, whether you admit your feelings for him or not."
"Dawn, could we please find another subject, preferably one that doesn't involve Xander."
"We could always talk about sex…." Dawn offered.
"Xander it is."
"Glad we settled that. Damn girl, you're good. You're very good.
"So…where were we?"
"Well, since you're obviously in denial about your feelings for Xander, we're gonna have to try a different tack. It looks like we need to have the talk."
"The talk?"
"Yes, Buffy, the talk," Dawn replied, an exaggerated sigh escaping her mouth. "You're old enough now that you need to understand certain things. And since Mom isn't around to tell you about them, the responsibility falls to me, your younger but wiser and infinitely more attractive sister.
"What in the hell are you…..Oh God, you're talking about sex aren't you. I swear Dawn, if you can possibly tell me anything about that I don't already know, I will personally strangle every guy who's ever laid eyes on you."
Dawn just smiled at the thought, a devilish glint in her eye. Wisely, though, she didn't broach that particular subject. "No Buffy. This isn't about the birds and the bees. It's about the Buffys and the Xanders."
"Uh, Dawn, you're making the kind of sense that's not." In truth, it made perfect sense, though Buffy did not want to hear it, especially not from her younger, less attractive sister.
"Oh please, spare me the oblivious act. I can read you like newspaper big sis. You're a lousy liar, always have been. You know damn well what I'm talking about, so don't try to pretend otherwise." Dawn was actually enjoying this little tirade. The view was much better from the moral high ground.
"Dawn, you have no idea what you're talking about. I will say it one more time for the cheap seats. I am not now, nor have I ever been, in love with Xander Harris. Please. I mean, look at his track record: Cordy, Faith, Anya. Please. A little over a month ago he was engaged to be married, and now he's sleeping with Willow, who just buried her girlfriend. Do you honestly believe I could love someone like that? Please, give me some credit."
Dawn laughed in amazement. Could her own sister really be this clueless? How had she managed to survive this long? Certainly not by her wits. She didn't have any, at least not that Dawn could see.
"Yeah, Xander's such a terrible person. Always there watching your back, making you laugh when things get a little too tense, helping you pick up the pieces of your life when everything falls apart, not to mention looking after your little sister when you're dead. He can be such a bastard that way. And what he did to poor helpless Willow: Taking care of her night and day, being there for her when she needed him the most, even after she tried to kill him. I'll bet the miserable son-of-a-bitch even gave her multiple orgasms. I swear, he can be so selfish like that." Dawn studiously ignored the murderous look her sister was giving her. Buffy had made her bed. Now it was time to lie in it. "I mean, Willow sounded sooo broken up this morning. You know, I'll bet he took advantage of her several times last night. Probably at least three or four times, don't you think Buff?
"Right now I'm thinking that you have about three seconds to live." Buffy said in a very matter-of-fact tone.
"That's OK. I talk fast. You wanna know the truth, Buffy? Here it is: I think you've been miserable for so damn long that you forgot what it's like to be happy. And now I think that the very thought of being truly happy scares you. You've lost so much the past few years that you're afraid of losing anyone or anything else. The truth of it is that while you may be able to protect me from whatever goes bump in the night, you have no idea how to protect yourself. You can't safeguard your own heart from the pain, so you play the martyr. You do things to hurt yourself, to push everyone away, to keep from feeling anything. You slept with Spike, not because he made you feel something, but because he made you feel nothing. The truth of the matter is Buffy, you may have crawled out of that grave, but a part of you is still dead.
"Dawn, you don't.." Buffy began.
"I'm not finished," Dawn snapped, then resumed her lecture. "You're not angry at me. I know that. You're angry at yourself, because the rational part of you – the part that knows you can be happy and wants to fight for it – is afraid that you just might have missed your chance. Well you know what, I hope it's true. It would serve you right if Xander has moved on. He's been right there in front of you for so long, and you never allowed yourself to really see him. You never acknowledged the true Xander, the person he really was. He gave you so much and never asked for anything in return, except for your friendship. You took for granted that he would always be there. He's your safety net, Buffy, and you're scared to death that you just might lose it."
"I don't have to listen to this," Buffy said, though she didn't sound too convinced.
"No, you don't," Dawn conceded, her voice softer than before. "You can go on being miserable. You can spend your life alone, never allowing anyone to really love you. And someday, when you're dying at the hands of some godforsaken demon, you can lie there as your life flashes before your eyes and wonder to yourself why you never took the chance, why you never allowed yourself to love him. Is that what you really want? Cause if it is, let me congratulate you on doing a first-rate job."
"I'm not miserable, Dawn, and I'm not alone. I still have you," Buffy temporized, not quite ready to admit the truth to herself.
"Buffy, I adore you and I love you more than anything in the world, but it's not the same thing. You need someone who can make you happy, who can give you the life you need and deserve. You need someone to be your rock, to anchor you to the world. Look in your heart, Buffy, and I think you'll see what I do – that person is Xander. Ok that's it, that's my spiel. I won't say another word about Buffy/Xander, although I do have to say one last thing, or I'll never forgive myself. Xander's not going to wait around forever. Sooner or later he's going to move on. And let me remind you that I'll be 18 in two years, and then the things I fantasize about doing to Xander will no longer remain just fantasies…"
"Dawn!" Buffy shouted, shocked by what her sister had just said. "When did you become such a pervert?"
"Well, let's see. I'm a sexually repressed sixteen year-old girl who lived with two horny lesbians, and whose sister screws more vampires than she kills. I'd say it was fate."
Despite the vampire comment (and for the record she had only slept with 2), Buffy couldn't help but laugh at her sister's observation. It was hard to stay mad at Dawn, irritating though she may be. She could not however, let that comment go unchallenged. "Just for the record, Dawn, I'd like to point out that I'm not the only one in this family who's dated a vampire."
"You've got me there. But, unlike you, at least I learned my lesson the first time around. Besides, I'm not into necrophilia. I like my men with a pulse."
The amusement was beginning to wear thin for Buffy. "Dawn, you know how you sometimes cross the line and don't realize it? I think maybe this is one of those times. Just a thought"
Dawn nodded her head obediently. "Duly noted, Buff. But just so we're clear, I'm not going to drop the Xander issue anytime soon. I will torment you until you either admit that you have feelings for him, or you snap and kill me."
"That's fine with me," the Slayer agreed, "just as long as I get to choose."
Meanwhile, back at Xander's….
"We need to talk ." Four words that strike fear into the heart of every man and woman alive. It could mean many things, though it was universally recognized as the death knell of a relationship. Shit, Xandman, it could be worse. She could've said "I'm pregnant". Yeahhh. Okay. Timing's not quite right on that one. Note to self: Stop talking to self.
"Xander, did you hear me? I said we need to talk."
Xander snapped to attention. "Uh, yeah, I heard you Will, and I know what you're going to say. I understand – it was a mistake. I accept full responsibility for what happened."
"Xander, sweetheart, you really don't have a clue, do you?" No wonder she was a lesbian. Guys never seemed to get it right. "This isn't about us. It's about you and Buffy."
"But…." Xander started, quickly forgetting what he had planned to say.
"But nothing. There is no us, and we both know it. We're friends – best friends – who just happened to have sex. And okay, the sex was great, but that is so not the point. I'm gay, well, OK, maybe I'm bi, but the important thing is I'm not in love with you. And you're not in love with me either. You're in love with Buffy. You always have been."
"Will, I used to be in love with Buffy. Past tense. Remember Anya? Ex – well current – vengeance demon? The one I was engaged to?
"The one you left at the alter?"
"That had nothing to do with Buffy. Well, maybe just a little, but not the way you think."
The skeptical look on Willow's face compelled him to explain. "That demon, the one who wanted revenge on Anya, he showed me things, things in my future. And yes, I know they weren't necessarily real, but they could be, and that's what scares me." Xander paused for a moment, running his hand through his hair in frustration. "Every time I go on patrol with Buffy, every time a new big bad shows up in Sunnydale, there's a good chance that one of us is going to get hurt…or worse. I can't bear the thought of doing that to Anya. I don't think I could live with the consequences."
"You could have left. Moved away from Sunnydale, started a family, lived a normal life…"
"You know I couldn't do that, Wills. You guys are my family. When I signed up for this gig, I enlisted for the duration. I'm a lifer."
"Xan, if I recall correctly, we've had this exact same talk with Buffy. It wasn't her choice to allow us to help her in the fight, it was our decision to make. This is no different. I know you didn't want her to get hurt, but it wasn't your choice to make. If you really loved Anya, you would have let her decide for herself."
"There's more to it than that, Will. You know the type of person my father is." Willow nodded sadly, conveying her understanding. Unlike the others, she knew exactly how Xander's home life had been. He seldom talked about. Xander wasn't the type to bother his friends with his problems, but it was a constant undercurrent in his relationships. It shaped his life, molded him into the man he had become. Xander knew what it was like to fell unwanted, to be hurt both physically and emotionally. He swore to himself that he would never allow those he loved to feel such pain, not if he could do something to prevent it. "That could be me, Wills. I could be my father, and that scares me more than anything."
"Alexander Harris," Willow scolded, putting on her resolve face, "You are not your father. Your father is weak. He's a coward. When his life didn't turn out the way he wanted, he turned to the bottle, and turned his back on his family. You're better than that. You've been knocked down time and again by this world, and each time you dust yourself off and leap back into the fray. When life kicks you in the ass, you kick it right back. You're the strongest one of us. You're the heart of the Scoobies. More than that, you're my hero.'
Willow could feel the tears welling up in her eyes as she met Xander's gaze. He smiled sheepishly, reaching out to take her hands in his. "Are we having a Hallmark moment here, or is it just me?"
Willow smiled, the tears threatening to fall once more. "If I had a nickel for every time you've made me cry….."
"You'd still be my best friend, only you could afford to buy me better presents."
The redhead looked at her friend, actually smiling for the first time in ages. "Right now I'm thinking of the perfect present."
"Uh Will, I thought the sex was a one-time deal?"
"Get your mind out of the gutter, Xander. I had something else in mind."
"And that would be…?"
"I'm going to show a certain fair haired Slayer just what she's been missing."
Xander just shook his head. "Wills, even if I were in love with Buffy, and I'm not saying I am, she doesn't feel the same way about me. She's made that perfectly clear on more than one occasion."
"You really don't have a clue do you, Xand?"
"Did I miss something?"
The question elicited a laugh. "Did you not see the same thing I did this morning? Did you see how Buffy reacted when she found out about us sleeping together? That girl was seriously wigged. Trust me, I know what it's like to have the Xander love-jones. I'm the founding member of the I fell in love with Xander Harris and all I got was this lousy tee shirt club."
"Wait a second. There were tee-shirts?"
"Not many, it was a pretty select club."
"Oh." The look on Xander's face said it all.
"Oh, it's not that," assured Willow. "We just had really high standards."
"We?"
"We. As in Cordelia, Amy and I."
"Amy," asked an incredulous Xander.
"Yes, Amy. She had a huge crush on you in high school."
"I didn't know."
"Of course not. You were oblivious." Seeing the look on Xander's face, she quickly added, "Don't worry, it's just your way."
"Yeah, it's one of my more endearing traits."
"Something like that," she said with a smile.
"So Buffy's in love with me huh?"
"We covered that already."
"Yeah, but it I'm having a little trouble processing it. It kinda goes against the natural order of things."
"Xand, we live in Sunnydale. Everything goes against the natural order of things."
"Point taken, but it still doesn't make sense. Why now? Why after all these years does she suddenly have feelings for me?"
"I don't think she fell in love with you overnight. Think of it as a work in progress," Willow explained patiently. "She probably always felt something for you, she was just afraid to act on her feelings."
"If she felt that way about me, why push me away?"
"How long did it take you to act on your feelings for Buffy," said Willow, answering his question with one of her own.
"A lot less than six years. And I never denied how I felt."
"That's true, Xander. You've always been honest with yourself. But look at it from Buffy's perspective. Every guy she's ever cared about has left her. Her father, Angel, Riley, even Giles. In her mind, they've all abandoned her, even though they had their reasons. She can't bear the thought of losing you too."
"And how do you know of all this how?"
"Women's intuition. That and I may have sneaked a peak or two at her diary, but it's your word against mine, and I'll deny it under oath."
"Wills, I'm shocked. I never would have guessed."
"What can I say, I'm full of surprises."
"Guess I should have gotten used to that by now."
"Look at the bright side. At least you haven't become jaded. A little cynical perhaps, but never jaded."
"I do try to keep an open mind Willow."
"And what about Buffy? Are you going to keep an open mind about her?"
Xander pondered that point for a moment. That's the million dollar question isn't it. What am I going to do about Buffy? It wasn't as if he'd never considered the possibility. He'd always held on to the infinitesimal sliver of hope that one day Buffy would open her eyes and realize the truth. Even through the dark days of Buffy/Angel he had never allowed the torch to completely die. True, it had dimmed some. There was the love/hate relationship with Cordelia, his ill-conceived dalliance with Willow, and the one-night fiasco that was Faith. And then there was Anya.
Anya. The woman he was supposed to spend the rest of his life with. The woman who would bear his children. To be honest, he still harbored feelings for her. It was only natural. After all, he was going to marry her. Xander knew it wasn't love though. Any possibility of that had been squelched by the resumption of Anya's demonic ways, as well as her subsequent indiscretion with Spike. The sun had set on that relationship, and they both knew it.
Buffy was an even bigger dilemma. Contrary to popular belief, Xander did have at least a modicum of pride. Therein lay the problem. He was half tempted to confront Buffy, to force her to admit her feelings so they could finally be together. He'd always entertained that little fantasy in his furthest reaches of his mind. But to do so would be to set aside his pride, to say that all grievances were forgiven. He didn't know if he was prepared to do that. He wasn't Buffy's lap-dog. He wouldn't come running when she called him, wouldn't roll over and play dead on command. He wasn't that type of person. And still, in spite of it all, he loved her. He loved everything about her. He loved the way her nose crinkled and her eyes lit up when she smiled. He loved her incredible sense of humor, the way she could laugh at almost anything, despite the direness of the situation. He loved her limitless generosity, and her indomitable spirit. God help him, he loved every part of the creature that was Buffy Summers. But still…
Willow sat silently and watched the turmoil reflected in Xander's face. She could almost hear his thoughts, so well it was that she knew her friend. She truly hoped for his sake that he made the right choice. She knew what loneliness felt like. She faced it every day since Tara had been taken from her. Friend's could help to temporarily fill the void left behind, but they were only a stop-gap measure. True love was the only permanent fix, and that was a rare thing indeed.
She looked deeply into Xander's somber eyes and could see the answer reflected there. Damn him.
That's all for chapter 5. I'm not very good at writing the touchy-feely stuff, so please bear with me. Also, I'm still not sure where this story is going, though I am 90% sure it will be B/X in the end. Please let me know what you all think of this chapter (you know who you are), if only to tell me it sucked. I promise there will be more action in chapter six, though I am not sure when it will be finished. I'm working 12 hour days again and I have a few old friends coming into town for the weekend, so probably won't see chapter six until sometime next week. As always, please review (it helps build my self esteem!)
Until next time,
Rabid Squirrel